It really isn't new at all, but I am starting to become especially conscious of the fact that my mood and feelings of contentment within myself relate to whether I feel contained enough. I think that certain daily rituals, whatever they may be, come to have significance for us, and although at times it can seem dull to do the same ole things day after day, the simple fact is that without doing them, something erodes.
It is not easy for me it seems to be able to communicate satisfactorily that I need more of a feeling of dominance in my life. There are complicated reasons for this and there is no one reason, but I think I learned very early in my life, and I feel that even at this stage that it is required of me, that I be as independent as I possibly can. I go about this independence as well as I possibly can until I become unglued. This can take the form of becoming low in mood, not myself, or it can mean that I say something rash or do something rash. Either way, it's a consequence of the independence. I am someone who needs to relate to the leader.
Watching The Duke of Burgundy recently I felt deeply for the submissive who craved tight control. She was lost in her own need and her poor lover, doomed to work overtime providing her with the sort of submissive experiences she longed for, was left wondering if she was good enough; if she was loved at all. It's not easy wanting your submissive lover in your bed at night when she wants to be put in a wooden chest and told she'll not come out until the other says so.
In my experience, when I am offered the experience of feeling controlled and connected (because for me they are completely entwined) I am so much softer and sweeter; more mellow and content. I radiate those feelings of love and satisfaction, I hope, but I do wonder if those internal feelings are enough for the dominant partner.
I've not been particularly encouraged to ask those questions which would suggest I am deeply interested in the dominant partner's state of mind. Instinctively I know, or I think I do, when it is appropriate to expect their focus and attention to shine down on me. This is my attention on them, or I thought it was, to be aware that they are pre-occupied or low on energy for the exchange. This is why I return to my independent stance at times, not at all a comfortable place for me to navigate, but one I feel I must traverse for fear of being a burden, my greatest of all fears.
It is not easy for me it seems to be able to communicate satisfactorily that I need more of a feeling of dominance in my life. There are complicated reasons for this and there is no one reason, but I think I learned very early in my life, and I feel that even at this stage that it is required of me, that I be as independent as I possibly can. I go about this independence as well as I possibly can until I become unglued. This can take the form of becoming low in mood, not myself, or it can mean that I say something rash or do something rash. Either way, it's a consequence of the independence. I am someone who needs to relate to the leader.
Watching The Duke of Burgundy recently I felt deeply for the submissive who craved tight control. She was lost in her own need and her poor lover, doomed to work overtime providing her with the sort of submissive experiences she longed for, was left wondering if she was good enough; if she was loved at all. It's not easy wanting your submissive lover in your bed at night when she wants to be put in a wooden chest and told she'll not come out until the other says so.
In my experience, when I am offered the experience of feeling controlled and connected (because for me they are completely entwined) I am so much softer and sweeter; more mellow and content. I radiate those feelings of love and satisfaction, I hope, but I do wonder if those internal feelings are enough for the dominant partner.
I've not been particularly encouraged to ask those questions which would suggest I am deeply interested in the dominant partner's state of mind. Instinctively I know, or I think I do, when it is appropriate to expect their focus and attention to shine down on me. This is my attention on them, or I thought it was, to be aware that they are pre-occupied or low on energy for the exchange. This is why I return to my independent stance at times, not at all a comfortable place for me to navigate, but one I feel I must traverse for fear of being a burden, my greatest of all fears.
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