The inner voice

 An issue that has come up for us in our union, and one that my husband wants to resolve is that in the power exchange we are creating, he wants whatever he says to be obeyed. This is the normal expectation in power exchange, of course.

A couple of problems have surfaced around the fact that I have a rather strong intuition, or shall we say, self-direction, around how to handle a matter. I don't necessarily see a matter exactly as he does, or how to resolve the matter in the same way he does. 

We also can have a different sense of timing. I may look to get it resolved as soon as possible whereas he may want to reflect on it some more. 

The truth is I might look to do something when he is out because then I can just do it and it's done. Not all problems require consultation or waiting. I have a lot of patience but sometimes I struggle to be patient and just want to get the thing done and sorted. I think the marriage has on the whole, thrived under the agreement that I am the one that just gets a whole lot of things, outside of business matters, done.

I've noticed today, and he has made darn sure I noticed today that this is a very sore point. If he says to do it his way - let's say, wait some more - and my natural tendency to move on with a remedy overtakes me, he is very cross with me. In fact, more than that, he is determined to nip this assertiveness in me in the bud. If he says wait, I am to wait.

He very naturally likes control, generally, but particularly now, of me. Duh.

I was driving in the car earlier today and felt upset about a correction around these matters, at the same time as I thought, 'well, kudos to him, he's drawn a line in the sand. Isn't that what you wanted and asked for?' It's the push/pull of giving up control to another, of living that slave girl mindset which is so arousing to me.

I was with Andre just now, my acupuncturist and he told me that my spleen was not acting perfectly. It could be tiredness from Christmas festivities and planning, of course, he said, but was I going through something at the moment, some sort of rather significant change?

Well, yeah, that could be it; that could account for the lack of energy I have been feeling in the last couple of weeks. You could say giving over your free will to another was a rather significant change.

Don't get me wrong. I love what we are creating, and I am happy he is so engaged with the process. I am just noting there's a strong self-will here within my bones; an inner voice that guides my behaviour and decisions and it isn't going to be easy to quiet that voice entirely. Watch this space.