Anger

The details aren't important to this entry about my emotional state (I write to process my emotions), but to give the reader some context a couple of years ago my only sibling was supposedly lent a large sum of money by our mother. Recently I asked the status of that loan and was told that the loan had been forgiven. I need not worry, I was told because an amount, exactly half the amount of the borrowing, had been put aside in the Will for me.

I worked on the basis that a mistake had been made. I approached my brother about it and he tried to confuse me with twisted accounting. I doubted myself and thought of it from every angle until I asked my older son to confirm what I knew. It was rubbish. My brother had no alternative but to concede. He was confusing two things, he said. As far as I was concerned, I had learned at school that the amount on either side of an equal  sign had to be the same, and so had he. It was deeply disappointing.

Assuming that this error in his mathematical thinking had resulted in an erroneous entry in the Will I approached my mother about it. Bare in mind, I am not young and so I represent my four children on these matters. When my mother wants back up for bad behavior she has her younger sister sit in and it was during this conversation that the thinking that went into this decision was laid out on the table.

Nearly 25 years ago, my husband had seen what he thought was a great business opportunity and my mother thought so too because she invested some of her money in the same stock. The opportunity fizzled and they both lost out on the stock, in the same way that my mother won heavily on some stock that I acquired for her. That's the game. There are winners and losers every day.

For a time, my husband and I were in financial difficulty over the decisions made then and although we paid back to her most of what we borrowed from my mother during that 'opportunity', there was a sum my husband didn't pay back. It was never discussed, not once in nearly 25 years, although it seems that my brother was given an amount equal to that sum, to square things up. It never sat well with me. I knew my mother's mind. But, I think my husband thought it was over. We'd been very generous to her over the many years since. We had her to stay for a month at a time when living in the US and she had stayed with us countless times in our home here. I have accompanied her to endless medical appointments, shopped for and with her. Even I had come to think that the borrowing had been forgiven.

Perhaps it is this borrowing that assisted in me not looking at or caring about the money that went my brother's way. My mother and he shared a business that my father bought shortly before his death (no, no-one thought about a business for me) and when capital expenditure/investment took place from my mother's personal account into their business for which I would not receive a penny, my eyes barely flickered at the talk. 

So, back to the talk about the erroneous mathematics.  The two broads sitting opposite me very quickly explained (well, my aunt spoke on my mother's behalf; a twisted sort of 'It's not my business, but your mother...' dynamic) that there was no mistake. Remember the money that my husband had not paid back nearly 25 years?, they had deducted that off the tab, and the rest, well, who cares about equality? Never mind that my brother was inheriting land that would result in vast wealth, we were still quibbling about a small amount from a quarter of a century ago.

I have had many conversations with myself since this encounter. Is this, in my mind, about money, or love? Is this about loyalty? Am I putting some stock in all this junk because we didn't/don't get hugs; am never told 'I love you'? Has it always been some sick Irish joke about power?

For many years, I told myself to hang on. If I could just get to the end of my mother's life without thinking about it too much; maintain a 'grey rock' non emotional approach to her and her antics, I would be fine. Let the world think she is a sweet little old lady. Where's the harm? I have my own family. I am loved dearly by them, so why not?

The facts seem to be, however, that narcissistic nasty oriented people actually live long lives. They hold grudges forever. Thinking about themselves, they seem to be insured in some way; able to withstand the damage incurred to body and soul of the person who is empathic and forgiving; who turns the other cheek and goes on offering love and kindness.

Back in 2011 when I went to a psychologist one of her first questions was about the relationship with my mother. I was in complete denial and assured her it was fine, except for the fact that she never said a good word about my husband (and we have been together now for 44 years). I assured her I could handle it.

However, nearly a decade later, I realize I was wrong. I can't handle it. Last year, when I saw another psychologist, an older man, I described my surviving birth family. He was very quiet and eventually said, 'There's no value for you there.' He told my husband that my trips to my mother were 'very destructive' for me. Still, I battled on, playing the role of the dutiful daughter that had been assigned to me.

A week on from the scene at a cafe where they laid out their thesis - we don't believe in equality and we don't forget, and by the way, we don't like your husband - I find I don't sleep much. And then it occurred to me early this morning that what I was experiencing was red hot anger; not that I had been dealt this hand, but that I had stayed in the game so long with such a losing hand.

I hadn't thought that I could actually make the decision of going 'no contact' and stick with it. And yet, I had been moving along this trajectory. My mother is in a place where her needs are met. She has her beloved son (who can't stand her) near by, for now. My aunt visits her all the time. I had been taking her home for a few days at a time but she would get ugly when I returned her to the home. I don't actually have to do this. I can get on with my life.

Who knew? I can get on with my own life.

Being decisive

There has been a burst of action in my life. I think feelings had been building up  for me for some time so that when I really felt them with full force, action, not words so much as action, was easier than I ever imagined it could be.

For one piece of action, which came more like a decision, a decision to take no further action, it was decisive, but sad. I knew I had to make the decision. I knew I didn't have a choice. I felt strong. I felt a bit like a Warrior, protective of myself, and that part felt good. There was the smaller and more vulnerable part of me that felt sad, but the Warrior won, and I felt proud that that part of me insisted on being decisive and clear.

How it took as long as it did, well that's another story; a painful one. But, the decision was made to end the pain, like a surgeon saying that the patient would need to lose a leg but he could save his life. I haven't heard of anyone that said 'No, no, just leave me to die with everything intact' and I made the same decision.

For the second piece of action, I have turned the other cheek with a friend over the past few years. Conflict avoidant, I had chosen to not speak what I thought, any number of times, although I registered the intuitive thought that something was not right there, in the things she said. She's ratty at times; short tempered and comes across as fragile in a sense, but she's also a strong defender of herself. She has trouble seeing how she comes across and I recognized some time ago that she wasn't going to find a man, because there aren't perfect men/people out there, and that's what she insists upon. She must have gone through a dozen or more in the past few years.

The weird thing is she's good too. She works in the caring industry and she does good work on the whole, as far as I can tell. She does snuff off people along the way because she so wants her own way and most people don't want that sort of conflict in a relationship/friendship, but I chose to ignore the trait, until now. I guess I didn't process how much it bothered me. Or, maybe I was taking the bottom down position yet again and found myself tired of the view from there...

But, she turned on me this evening and said some truly awful things by text over the course of the evening. She sees me as a competitor which I said was a silly thing to do and she just kept upping the ante. The thing is a couple of people gave me praise for what I do, and what she does, and as far as she was concerned any praise for me, even though I am the new kid on the block with loads to learn, was a reason for her to garner more control; ensure I held my place in the pecking order, below her.

In the end, she acted like a domineering, son of a bitch Narcissist telling me what I was and wasn't go to do, and with full clarity and precision of thought I texted back that I wasn't planning to adhere to her demands and that our friendship was over.

(It's the morning and I don't regret this decision although I am sad about it. Something deep inside me tells me to defend that vulnerable part inside of me. My husband, furious about the way she treated me 'I told you she'd do this one day...', wanted to go and tell her off, and you have to love his protective streak, but no, I am standing up for myself.)

I've seen her behave with people in this way before, a number of times, and I kept my own counsel about it, but what's clear is that something has cleared in me.

I can speak up. I can protect myself if necessary. I have agency in this world.

In the past, I've been a Mamma Bear for my kids. I've stood up and protected them. But, it's a very rare day in my life when I stand up for myself in this way, and twice in two days! That's some sort of miracle. There is some sort of transformation going on. I may be growing up.

'The Daughter'

I left the cinema after seeing The Daughter quite discombobulated. I hadn't realized then that the film is based on Ibsen's The Wild Duck. The story line, the weather and the location are bleak. In the last days of a dying logging town in Tasmania, Christian returns to his family home for his father Henry’s wedding. As he reunites with his friend Oliver from university days, he discovers a secret that could blow Oliver's family apart.

The movie is wonderfully set up to provide the audience with an intense emotional response. The daughter, Hedvig, is academically bright, the apple of her parents' eyes, and remarkably empathic. She assists her grandfather (Sam Neil) to tend for injured animals including, of course, the duck that Henry has shot down in the first frame of the film.

When Christian reveals the secret it crushes everyone in its path. No character in this story is spared the pain of the revelation. Yet, as the grandfather tries to explain to Oliver, 'Everyone's got a story like this. It's as old as the hills.' Secrets are, in fact, common as dirt.

Yet, we understand why this secret is such an explosion in Oliver's mind. Bright, he left university prematurely and has struggled financially and career-wise ever since. Hedvig will make up for all this. But, what is his relationship to Hedvig now that he knows about the past? Hedvig is the innocent party in all this but her beloved father can now not even look at her. The life she knew and assumed has vanished. It's all so tragic it is almost unbeable to watch.

The film asks us to explore what we tell and don't tell; that revelations are neither good nor bad in themselves. It is the havoc that a revelation can prompt that makes for careful reflection on the consequences of assuming responsibility for revealing secrets of the past. There's a great deal of selfishness, the film seems to be stating, by taking your own grief and distress and using it as an excuse to take actions that have dire effects on other people's lives; effects that cannot be foreseen.

As by-standers it is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to understand what makes up a marriage or close relationship. It can seem the right thing to get involved, to give advice or to meddle. Who is to say that we hold the ultimate wisdom? I think the film asks us to ponder this question.

It's a very complicated thing, life. My daughter mentioned over a mother-daughter brunch this week that a girl had approached her, wanting to leave a boyfriend who was manhandling her. She didn't want the police involved and the lease for their apartment was in her name. She felt trapped; emotionally, financially and ethically. Basically, he was hurting her but she didn't want to hurt him. She was trying to contain the hurt for everyone by making some sacrifices herself. Until she is ready to take the next step, to take responsibility for her own self, no advice offered will be of much value.

It is interesting that as a member of the cinematic audience we can see quite clearly where people have gone wrong, but movies are designed to do that; to give life some sort of clarity. The reality is that we are all forced to make judgments about our behaviour that can impact other people. Every important decision demands that it is done with intention rather than impulsively. That people so often do act selfishly, impulsively and without regard for others, or even with the best of intentions but without a full understanding of the impact of those decisions, provides story tellers with endless dramatic material. They're not so much 'making up' stories as unpacking human frailty.

I'm not entirely convinced about this business of one person being responsible for the behaviour of another. As much as there is potential for power exchange to be made in heaven, I suspect that it is, generally speaking, subject to all the flaws of any other marital or long term relationship dynamic. To live in an erotic partnership where the role and purpose is well defined is ideal for some people and if it is not broken then there is no need to fix it. 

However, the human condition demands, I think, that we learn to take responsibility for our own actions and decisions. I think this is simply a part of human growth and maturity; that we learn to stand on our own two feet at the same time as we respect the fact that as human beings we desire and need human connection with other people.  We continue throughout our lives to learn to dance gracefully without stepping on other peoples' toes; at least, not breaking them.

Praise

I try to imagine what life would be like for me if my husband were the type of 'Owner' where he wanted complete control of me. In some ways, he has complete control, but in other ways he does not, because he doesn't desire control in those areas.

I think I'm the type of woman that probably would do best if my man did want more control of me. I'm not saying that it would be easy or immediate. I remember myelf as a woman in my twenties - that time when you can probably most mould a person to be what you want them to be, before they develop too many opinions of the world and themselves - having opinions and feeling that I had a right to an equal say.

I learned, particularly through my role at work as a Personal Assistant to a Managing Director, that there was a dynamic at hand and that I was the one to defer. The deferment didn't necessarily come entirely easily or even naturally. For example, at that time my intellect was shooting higher. Quite honestly, I was capable of doing more than I was doing and on a few occasions I requested transferal to a different job. On one occasion I suggested being transferred to the Training Division. I did, after all, have a qualification in teaching high school, so why not put that knowledge and skill into effect?

My boss simply couldn't understand my thinking. Why would I want to limit myself in this way when I could be a part of every last strategic decision made by the organisation? Naturally enough, I reminded him that I didn't make those decisions and had no effect on those decisions in any way. To the contrary, he insisted, he may not have acknowledged too many of my suggestions, but he had in fact listened and a number of those decisions had been taken up.

One day, when he was safely ensconced on an overseas holiday, Dan the advertising man came to me and asked if I would be in an advertising campaign. It sounded like fun and off we went to shoot the photographs. (I didn't advise the boss of this because I had a feeling he'd put the kabosh on the idea.) I was quite pumped about it until he arrived home and berated Dan about taking me out of his office. I took it very personally, though I never let on, and felt that he felt that I wasn't good enough. I came to realize over time that I wasn't going anywhere in that organization. He had the Personal Assistant he wanted; had trained her to suit his purposes and disposition, and he wasn't losing her to some training division or advertising studio.

If you've been reading for years, God help you, you'd know that he wanted control over me and that included my style of clothing, whether I bought something new or not (he wasn't into excess and if he caught me in stores around town at lunchtime when he was returning from a luncheon, he'd let me know about it), and my weight. When I joined his employ I was straight out of two years in the USA and I'd put on a little weight eating one or two too many hamburgers and fries, I suspect. He wasn't (completely) rude about it but he made it clear that the 10 pounds had to go, and they did. It wasn't so much a huge change in diet that did the trick. I was simply using up a lot of energy making sure he was satisfied and that I wasn't going to get another 'rounds of the kitchen'.

He also made it clear that I needed to eat more vegetables and to be sure that I did he'd often drop a box of vegetables from his garden in the country on my front door on a Sunday evening. He thought it senseless that women eat their way into a middle age spread and he loathed women eating in public on the streets. I can still feel the guilt in my throat when he spotted me one day in the street returning to the office at the end of the lunch hour eating an apple. 'But it was just an apple,' I argued. He was unconvinced.

I remember one day expressing my discontent about something in a way that wasn't entirely diplomatic. 'Don't you show your temper to me!' he stated. As a woman living through the stirrings of female liberation, he challenged me to the core. But, he did teach me many things: about men who insisted on control; about diplomacy; loyalty. It was the first stirrings and experiences getting to know my nature. If he was happy with my work, or my decision making on his behalf, or taking action to watch his back, he praised me and I cherished that. I bathed in the glow of his pride and perhaps it is this feeling that has stayed with me.

It may be interesting to know that I don't say much, nothing really, when I receive these warm feelings of having 'done good'. You'd have to look to my expression; the mellowness that is probably evident in my eyes that drop down that may suggest that I am a tad embarrassed, and the slight but unmistakable smile that widens my lips. On the page, you will need to trust me that I am most content.

A man who wanted total control of me would indeed need to train and condition me to his ways. It's only late in my life that I have wanted, myself, piercings or to wear latex. That is when I was introduced to those ideas. At first blush, I'd be most reluctant, I'm sure. But, I know in my heart that if he wanted that and made it clear that he wanted that, and it would strengthen the dynamic we shared, I'd follow along. I'm so very much into wanting a tight, strong, intense relationship that his desire for something in particular is all that would be needed. When I feel the energy coming forth, I meet that energy with abundant energy of my own. I respond to the dominance with a very natural and enjoyed submission.

In all the years that we've been together, my husband has very rarely not liked a piece of clothing I have bought, or at least he hasn't expressed that. But, one day he told me that he didn't like a pair of pants I had bought. They were pink vertical stripes. I thought they looked quite all right for weekends but he made it clear he didn't care for them. Out they went without a glace backwards.

I've an electric toothbrush. On occasion I forget to dry the base before I put it back on the base and he simply hates that, as he hates it when I don't dry my back completely, or when I make a big mess in the kitchen rather than clean up as I go. There are no consequences for these things other than 'getting it in the neck' as I like to put it, or in other words, getting told off. Maybe I'm not so much doing things the way he likes them to please him as I am doing it to avoid another telling off, but the point is, I do do it his way. Is that conditioning? Is it a natural drive to please? I wonder, if he praised me for a clean kitchen just before I served dinner once in a while, might that not be the biggest incentive of all to do things his way?

Truthfully, if I had an 'Owner' that wanted my nipples pierced, as an example, of course I'd oblige. The praise that this agreement would engender would be adequate compensation for overcoming my fear. Anyways, we'd be together. He'd lead me there so it wouldn't be that hard at all.

My husband wants, and will want going forward, to live in this big house. So, we live in this big house. We will live in this big house long after all the children have moved out. My husband wants us to do the garden ourselves, even the removal of huge tree trumps and so it is done this way, with me as the second gardener, of course. Just now I asked if I may use the ladder to do an outside task and he said 'no'. There are many tasks I'm not allowed to do because he wants control of them and isn't sure that they'll be done to his specification (which isn't at all true since I am perfectly capable of this task really). Still, I have to live with that.

Sure, I make suggestions and sometimes they are taken up. Often, they are not. We live according to his decisions. If he wanted me to live in latex for hours each week, needless to say, I'd be living in latex for hours every week. Why not, for heavens sake? It's become a dream of mine anyway, so why would I hesitate? If he bought it and demanded it, what a THRILL would that be!

Yes, at times it is hard buckling under to his version of the world, but kinky demands? And, I do mean demands. Insistence. These days? Well, I think that would be about as hard as eating New York baked cheesecake.

Decision making

Movies like 'Inception' or 'Big Eyes' consider the ethical considerations of mind control. In 'Inception' Don Cobb has the rare ability to invade people's dreams and steal secrets from their subconscious. In 'Big Eyes' we see Walter Keane convince his wife that he should claim credit for her paintings. He was the one with the talent for marketing and sales, he told her, and without him they'd not be sold at all.

Margaret is initially horrifed when she learns that her new husband has been deceiving people in this way. However, one deception quickly leads to another and before she knows it she is immersed in the deception herself. It seems she has no way out, until one day years later, and having fled from his clutches to Hawaii, she announces in a radio interview that she is the artist of all the paintings. Narcissistically driven, he keeps up the pretense until it is categorically proven that he is a liar who has used Margaret for his own advancement.

A particularly poignant scene in 'Big Eyes' is when Margaret, almost driven to distraction with the pretense, enters a church confession box for the first time in her life and confesses that she has lied to her daughter. The priest suggests that she was brought up a Methodist, her husband thus is the 'head of the household' and perhaps she should do as he says. The priest isn't aware of the details of her life, but desperate for answers, this advice keeps Margaret living the lie for considerable time thereafter.

I think in life we have two compasses that guide us. First, there are constructs, constructs like 'the man is head of the household' and then there is the gut, the little voice inside our head; that 'click' when we say to ourselves 'that doesn't feel right'.

Since constructs are devised by other people, not necessarily for our own benefit, I endeavor to rely on my instincts. As a woman that often enjoys the passenger seat the construct of having the other make the decisions can be very comfortable for me. However, as someone who isn't that far off having walked this earth for 60 years I can say that it is my 'gut' which has been the most reliable indicator and judge of what is right for me and those I love.

We are all capable of getting swept up in emotional states, in listening to advice that may be given with the best intentions, or not, with doing what someone else thinks is the 'right' thing. I've been there myself several times in my life. In good time, I come back to the core, with what *I* believe is the right thing; my moral compass; my sense of the fitness of things.

It is for this reason that I take a step away from the 'power exchange' nature of this web journal. I'll still leave my thoughts here when it feels right but I have lost a little faith in relinquishing my mind to another. Some people refer to it as retrieving 'personal power'. I don't particularly want to categorize it in this way. I think I just want to say that I've returned to myself as the best architect for the creation of my life. I'll do what I know is best. No one can ask for more than that.

Emotional needs

I often use the word 'care' here. For example, I've often expressed the opinion that dominance is a form of 'care' in my mind. On a website called Marriage Builders Dr. Harley writes that, "As it turns out, care in marriage is doing what it takes to make each other happy".

It's well worth a few minutes to read what he has to say because it identifies the emotional needs of most people and notes that each person may put those needs in a different order. For instance, admiration may be more important to one person, higher on the list, than affection is to another. Or, 'family commitment' may be more important to one person, or higher on their list, than 'sexual fulfillment' is to another. Once those needs have been identified in each person, the other person needs to make for quality time to have those emotional needs of the partner met.

In a separate link on the site Dr. Harley has written out a 'Policy of Joint Agreement'. It boils down to this one golden rule:

'Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your partner.'

He explains the rule in this way. "In marriage, your interests and your spouses interests should be considered simultaneously. One of you should not suffer for the benefit of the other, even willingly, because when either of you suffer, one is gaining at the other's expense. If you both care about each other, you will not let the other suffer so that you can have what you want. When you are willing to let the other sacrifice for you, you are momentarily lapsing into a state of selfishness that must somehow be corrected before damage is done. The Policy of Joint Agreement provides that correction."

If this statement is considered in terms of a power exchange, more than one interpretation about a power exchange relationship can be made. Let's face it, the dominant may very well say that he wants something because...well, because he (or she) wants it. It's somewhat immaterial to him, in the moment perhaps (?), that he or she doesn't necessarily have a genuine enthusiastic agreement from the partner. Then again, if it is non-consensual consent that's been given, and that's what they both like and want, at least on some level, maybe the rule of 'enthusiastic agreement' doesn't apply.

That said, the dominant who wishes to maintain a relationship in good order really has no choice but to seek enthusiastic agreement for what he or she wants because a life lived with someone who either does not feel in enthusiastic agreement with the partner, or does not seek enthusiastic agreement of the partner, is in for unhappy times. It's undeniable that a happy union is made up of TWO (or more) happy people.

Some people have a mindset that can ignore the good order of this rule. First, there is the type of person that gives in to the other, regardless of his or her own feelings. They make do. They try to let their own feelings go. They accommodate. They accept. They do their best under the difficult circumstances of not feeling in enthusiastic agreement.

The other type of person is inclined to want his or her way. They have difficulty focusing on the fact that they've bullied the other person, in small or large measure. They see their way as the best way and disinclined to negotiation or to ensuring that the other is giving their agreement enthusiastically (their unenthusiastic agreement being more than enough, for perhaps they'd have their own way without agreement at all) they simply assert their position and proceed with their own plan.

Of course, neither position is good. It's no better, really, to give in than it is to insist on one's way regardless of how the other feels. It ultimately breeds resentment. It ultimately leads to one partner feeling disconnected from the other; uncared for; unloved.

If you have a submissive nature, and if you see that certain things matter very deeply to the other, if you know that your lack of agreement will cause disharmony, pouting, angry and/or loud arguments, you're likely to put your own needs to one side. The big question is, can you do this forever? No loving partner should really ever ask this of a submissive soul. It's taking advantage, I think, of her unselfish nature; her desire for harmony even at her own cost; her strong penchant to want to give and to serve the other; to sacrifice.

This is where assertiveness skills come in. We need to express our feelings, our desires and needs in such a way that it is clear what matters to us. Even if we have given our consent to the other to decide, those decisions must be made with a full understanding of what makes us happy. A person who takes on full decision making for another human being must ask a lot of questions or assumptions about the other's emotional needs, and/or neglect of those emotional needs will come back to bite him. If the dominant should choose to go ahead and do what he wants, regardless of the cost to the submissive, regardless of how those emotional needs are in jeopardy, he runs a huge risk, because each person's emotional needs must be met to ensure the happiness of the union.

I like the above website. It's not at all designed for power exchange relationships but it has some very important things to say about how to remain a happily married (committed) couple. In the end, whatever the union, power exchange or not, people's emotional needs must be met. 

Balancing the needs of kink

Kink doesn't lose any traction over time. It only gets stronger and more demanding.`These desires can overwhelm the mind, take up more and more time until there can come a moment when one registers that perhaps one is out of balance; perhaps one should try hard to think about something else.

When in the midst of one's kink, either satiated, or with a lustful appetite for more expression of the kink, there's a sense that one probably should leave the table for one's own health. Yet, there is more meat on the bone, more trifle, Camembert cheese; more chocolates in the box. And, these banquets don't happen every day. Why not a little more?

It can happen to one person or both; that moment when one simply has to stop ingesting; simply has to stop partaking of the delicious treats. That's not a bad thing. It's an acknowledgement to oneself to go a little slower perhaps; to acknowledge that we can be in the grip at times of our own lust.

I don't advocate and am too far into these processes to ever again STOP what I know does me a heap of good. Kink, for me, doesn't work like that. My needs are my needs and they don't go away for very good reasons. It's not some game for me but rather a real need for my body to experience what it does on a daily basis. It's a treatment of sorts and if you take away the treatments I go down hill very fast.

However, it's no bad thing to redistribute daily life every so often. It's been cold and dull here for far too long but the sun has begun to make an appearance late in the day these evenings and it prompts me to get out and about more; to spread my creativity across various pursuits as a form of personal expression; to interact with creative sorts on various non digital platforms and to enjoy my life in every way.

I don't mean that I should suddenly make a bunch of decisions to counteract my desire to make no decisions at all. That would not work. I need my 'bimbo' time. I adore it too much. What I mean is that the longing for the bimbo state can have me going too slow; leave me in a rather catatonic state where the longing for it becomes too much. The longing can hurt me and be counter-productive and if there's no real solution presenting itself in my life right now as to consistency of that experience, then there comes a time when I need to turn the longing off, for my own sake.

The kink won't, and need not go away. It's here to stay. I have no power to alter this nor do I wish to do so. Yet, there is so much of life to explore and it's time I did just a little more of that. It's all about balance - simply redistributing the thoughts patterns so that they are more in line with what works ideally. The formula for that is within the mind of each kinkster, according to the limitations and precinct of one's life as led with other people. Following one's intuition is really the only way to reconstruct balance.

Restraint

Somewhere in my reading last week, I read of one woman who was told that she may not touch herself for a week. She was doing remarkably well when on the sixth day she succumbed and had a most pleasurable orgasm. Her thinking was along the lines of, "I need this today. I'll worry about the consequences tomorrow."

Well, first of all, I think being told not to touch yourself for a week is asking a great deal so I give her full credit for lasting six days! Delayed gratification is something I can find difficult, although I also find difficult the consequences too really. I'm not fond of people being very cross with me and on more than one occasion I've berated myself for not just doing as I was asked. However, I can certainly empathize with the thought process that six out of seven ain't bad.

I've been sleeping on my own for the past week and my sleep has been quite disrupted because there has been too much opportunity to let my hands stray. On one night I considered tying my wrists together so that I could get a good night's rest. Fortunately, my husband returned home last evening and whilst I woke up in a similar way in the early morning I mentally acknowledged the desire but also mentally told myself that it was a darn good thing that I couldn't succumb to my desires. I folded my hands together as in prayer, a testament to my resolve, and duly went back to sleep for a couple of well needed hours of sleep.

There's a big part of me that very much likes the idea of orgasm control. Chastity belts come up in my thoughts regularly and I love photographs of a woman restrained into a chastity belt. I read once that a Dominant kept his submissive in a chastity belt (apart from cleaning and so on) for a six month period and that was not a dreadful thought for me; not at all. I feed off such thoughts.

I like the challenge of seven days without touching myself. I can't imagine my mind thinking of a darn thing other than my own desire for pleasure. Perhaps the need fades as time goes on. I very much doubt this myself. On the seventh day, I can imagine myself counting down the minutes. Maybe I'd get on with writing assignments and put pleasure out of my mind, or, maybe I wouldn't be able to write a thing so muddle-headed with the desire for pleasure I couldn't think straight.

Of course, the fact that I've been told that I can't have or do something is a truly enticing notion. I'd like to think I've progressed enough where the verbal instruction would be enough and I could exhibit restraint. On one level, it would be absolute torture but on another, deeply arousing. It would be an extraordinary act of grace to have my hands tied at bedtime and just give me a hand (by taking away my hands) but I do understand the idea is to use one's mind alone to show resolve sometimes.

When the woman in question told her Dominant of her transgression the whole time period started all over again. It lasted until they saw one another again which, I think, made it even a bit longer than seven days and I think she was starting to wonder if her life was truly worth living if orgasms were to be spaced out in this way. I so get that. On the other hand, what was he do? Well, I think he removed his Dominance from her, as I recall, and that's when the penny dropped. (Oh my, do I get this part...) She suddenly realized that delayed gratification was much, much easier than the removal of his services and I think it is this knowledge that allows her to move forward into this new time period of no touching.

I'm in a particularly desirous mindset; a desire to prove my mettle and to enjoy succeeding. I'm keen to get back in the hunt, out with pack and on with the game. I'm feeling decidedly playful and ready for challenge and I truly do think that I might be able to follow such a command, should be it ordered. I do little tests on myself, actually and I tell myself I can't do this or that for a couple of days and see what happens. Well, I can follow my own instructions with some degree of success but then again, I've never said to myself, "This time it is seven days" because I just couldn't do that to myself.

Power

At the heart of a power exchange is the notion that one person will decide what is best for the other. In these circles, it is an acceptable premise, with various provisos. But, it is a particularly audacious thought, is it not?

I watched a particularly good discussion a week or so ago around the topic of cancer. There were general practitioners and oncologists and patients and family of patients involved in the discussion. At one point the issue of who decides whether to pursue treatments that have little hope of succeeding, or who decides what to do next came up for discussion.

One oncologist was forthright in saying that adult children are not the best judge of these decisions and the decision should be discussed with a person of similar age – a friend, a spouse. One young girl disputed this saying that the decisions about her father’s treatment had been decided “as a family”. Doctors generally advised patients to formulate a plan ahead of time so that it was their decision.

Rationally speaking, it doesn’t always make sense that one person could know what is best for another. Two people can discuss what is best for a person and if they discuss it long enough and hard enough, perhaps the second person can know the first person’s mind well enough to make decisions for them. But, to suggest another person is better placed to know what they need and should have is often really begging the question.

When children are young we have no alternative but to make decisions for them. We sign them up at a particular school and guide them into certain activities and ways of doing things. We give them a good quality road map. But, where they ultimately go and even how they get there is really up to them.

One small example of this is that our eldest boy played soccer and somehow or other I don’t think we actually asked the next one if he wanted to play soccer all through school. We just assumed it until one day his desire for something else became so evident that I finally opened my eyes and realized that we had made a mistake. It then took a bit of talking for me to convince his Dad that we were both wrong but thank goodness we saw the light in time and he has enjoyed his other activities with gusto ever since. My point is he did not actually say what he wanted, fearful I suppose of disappointing us.

I don’t think it is at all impossible for one person to decide for another what is right for them, but I do think it is a very hard task and one that requires enormous diligence, attention and monitoring. Those with a submissive nature, well suited to the power exchange dynamic are not inclined to want dispute or upset in their lives and are inclined to go with the flow and accept things as they play out as best they can.

Yet, unless their mind is so well understood and explored that the other who makes the decisions for them knows it like the back of his hand, there is likely to be missteps, misjudgements and poor decision making as to what is really best for that person. When and if this occurs, the submissive partner is left to make do; to accept less of life; to compromise, which is something they do rather well (perhaps too well).

It may be that the submissive partner misjudged what in fact she needed, of course. The dominant partner knew best all along. It is entirely possible. Who can really judge that? I suppose if she is content and happy within herself that is a good judge of circumstances. Or, perhaps she puts on a good front for him wanting happiness so much she is prepared to appear happy and content for him, even convincing herself (mostly) that she is happy and content.

When one person has the power and the other has very little or no power, human nature being what it is, selfishness is likely to be an issue. I don’t mean that they buy 14 suits for themselves and keep the submissive in an old dress (although, that could happen). I mean that within his decision making, even if he intended for the decision to be in her best interests (on some level), is he not really making the decision based largely on his own criteria and his interpretation of the world?

Submissive women have an inbuilt mechanism where they give and they give and they give. If necessary, they can give up too much, if that is what he wants. They give in. It could be argued that it is incumbent on the submissive to make clear what she wants and needs out of life but I honestly don’t see that as the main game.

She has given her whole self over to him, and if that is what he wants then it is incumbent on him to do the right thing by her. He must know her mind well enough that he is in a position to make the right decisions on her behalf. As well, he must ensure that the decisions that he makes for her will allow her to live her life, not only with adequate sustenance for her inner life but with a sense that she has made the entirely correct decision to put her faith in him. Only then can a power exchange really thrive.

Frustration

It pleased me to see upon a search of this web journal that I have very rarely mentioned 'frustration'. I mentioned it in the last post and according to the record, back in March 2009 when I wrote a post about 'anxiety'. That's not bad.

For, you see, I do experience considerable frustration. As I wrote to my husband just now,

"It is a very, very hard thing to live through someone else - for their wants and desires and ways of doing things; their priorities and their interests to be the sole arbiter of what happens; to expect a person to have eternal patience and to never express frustration and thus, by inference to never HAVE frustration."

Rightly or wrongly, I have tried my absolute best to be satisfied with living my life according to my husband's version of the world. From time to time, I mention that it will be great when we can do this or that, but apart from that, I really just nod when he tells me something, accept his decisions, patiently wait for him to attend to something (or not), and in a nutshell, just wait.

I've become good at this - at living according to the desires and decisions of another person; at keeping my frustrations well hidden and distracting myself in order not to be upset that the things that I would love to see take place, do not.

I think I could have gone on with this positive spirit almost forever...until that moment two days ago when I did express a very minor amount of frustration and experienced his wrath that I should do so.

I'm not an angel. I'm not a perfect person. I'm just one human being doing her best to be pleasing; patient, considerate, understanding, calm and patient.

I just can't seem to get over it. I am shattered that he can't apologize for upsetting me so.

I have asked him to look inside himself - to try to understand how hard I work to see the world through his eyes and to put aside my own wishes. For me, this was what it was all about - to make for a life of harmony - to find a way to go beyond the everyday.

I can't seem to bounce back up this time.

Dancing Class

Upon returning to the bedroom from the spa, I thought to have a nap. Alas, I could not sleep and I turned on the television to see if there might be a movie. Indeed, there was. It was the one where Demi Moore plays Sergeant O'Neil. She is being trained as a Navy SEAL and it is gruelling stuff. At one point the person in charge says, "Pain is your friend." That resonated!

There was another great line that this time had me rushing for my kinky notebook. I had to get this one down.

"Sergeant O'Neil, when I want your opinion I will give it to you."

Isn't that priceless?

Then, I started thinking. In fact, I had heard that before somewhere. Where was that? Oh, yes! When I was working, one day I said to my boss,

"Anyway, you don't want to hear my opinion. You will just do it your way."

He replied: "Not at all, my dear. I am happy to discuss it with you at length; after which I will then do it my way."

Just now, as I was talking to my husband about Sir J's 'Entitlement' entry, he looked over at me from his side of the bed and said,

"If you don't stop talking, I am going to have to fill your mouth with something."

Really! A girl can't be blamed for sometimes getting the feeling that men might find them wordy!

I suppose the challenge is to convince the dominant man of our point of view - by fair means or foul. The challenge is also to admit defeat. They will do things as they see fit and as submissive women, we must rise to the challenge of accepting that.

As a woman with plenty of opinions of my own, (and possibly you noticed that already)I find that a great challenge. Sometimes, it is asking me to accept that the sky is green. I know in my gut that I am accepting a mistake. Demi was asked to do the same thing; to accept that her greater understanding of the situation would be overruled. I felt for her.

I think what I have learned over the past year is that I do in fact have input into decision making, regardless of what my dom decides. The more controlled I am in my presentation, the more willing I am to listen to his point of view in a calm way, the more likelihood I have of swaying him to my point of view.

At the end of the day, he will do things his way, as he always has. In fact, the more submissive I am able to be, the more confident he feels, the more his decisions are spot on. It is a dance that I have found some difficulty in learning. I believe, however, that I may have the steps down pat, finally. He leads and I follow...whispering in his ear, ever so daintily.

O'Neil had guts. She was intelligent and refused to quit. Ultimately, she had the boys eating out of both hands. She earned that privilege because she proved to them that she was worth listening to.

A dominant man, quite naturally, does things his way. A clever dominant man listens to his intelligent submissive, appreciating her input into a situation. He listens, takes into account her read of it, and then, using his own intellect, makes a final determination. I won't argue with that any more. I accept it.

A wise dominant man gives his submissive the entitlement of speaking her point of view. Then, he makes use of his entitlement to have the final say, and lead the dance of their lives.

I just wish I had bothered to go to dancing class sooner!

P.S. I *am* relaxing! When I write, I am relaxed!