CARE

Bettina Arndt, well know sex therapist and writer, has recently published, 'The Sex Diaries: Why Women Go Off Sex and Other Bedroom Battles'.

In an article she wrote for 'The Age' Good Weekend magazine, she notes that "researchers from Germany found that, four years into a relationship, less than half of 30-year old women wanted regular sex." She says that "women know their loss of sexual drive is a huge issue in their relationships."

So, Bettina had 98 couples keep a sex diary and to feel free to write whatever they wished. She writes, "With my sex diaries, it was the men's stories that really set me back on my heels. It is so rare that men talk openly about such personal issues, but the diaries gave them permission to let loose...Many feel duped, disappointed, in despair at finding themselves spending their lives begging for sex from their loved partners."

Now, Bettina is not a woman afraid to stir the pot and get people to really think, and she comes up with a very interesting notion:

"It was one of the outstanding achievements of the women's movement to outlaw rape in marriage and teach women to resist unwanted advances. But it simply hasn't worked to have a couple's sex life hinge on the fragile, feeble female libido."

Needless to say, some of the female members of her audiences at the moment are not feeling kindly towards her and her ideas.

But, I think she might have a point. What she is not saying is 'Do it for England!' What she is saying is that if a women made an effort to engage in sex with her partner, she might find that she actually enjoys it herself.

When Bettina originally asked for volunteers for people to keep sex diaries for her she received a letter from Sam. Sam is twice married, 54, whose first marriage fell apart over battles about sex. His first wife regularly refused his requests for sex, and when she sometimes begrudgingly complied, it made him feel like a thief.

Then he married Rose. He writes about Rose, who has a demanding job as a manager:

"She has never used the headache defence, never been too tired. Always, she makes sex a gift if she is not in the mood herself. Often she finds herself enjoying the moment. She does this because she cares about me, about my feelings and my needs. In my case, I'm sure you can guess the outcomes. If I notice Rose is run down and tired, seldom will I reach for her other than to give her a cuddle...I am far from the perfect husband, but I do love and care for her, not because I am a wonderful bloke, but because her so very obvious caring for me can lead to little else other than reciprocity."

It was the word care that resonated with me.

I do think that people in a power exchange relationship have an advantage here. The relationship is built around care. The sub tends to quite naturally want to care for him, in the bedroom and out, and the care he provides her, in the bedroom and out, makes her feel special, thus promoting the care for him. It's a bit of a circle.

It is often said that the sub seeks attention, but I think that is only half of the equation. The dom ensures, in every conceivable way, that the sub demonstrates that she is willing to attend to his needs, too.

Now, things do go wrong in power exchange relationships, too. It tends to be the other way around though, I think. A woman who is finally expressing her submission tends to have a very high libido and perhaps it is the dom who sometimes feigns a headache! He may wonder, 'When is enough, enough?"

And, a power exchange relationship can be delicate. She gives, (and gives in) to the Dom, in the expectation, surely, that she can rely on him to attend to her. She adores the focus, so it is not enough to give her some amazing 'scenes', I think. She wants to know that he is watching; when she is good and even when she is bad. She wants his attention and she wants it regularly. Both team players have responsibilities. I just don't prescribe to the notion that it is all about the dom's pleasure. Long term that just doesn't sound workable to me.

I believe that vanilla partnerships have much to learn from the power exchange relationship. All partners need to talk about what is going to work for them, but if care for one another is high on the agenda, I think that could be the missing ingredient.

Perhaps we can have Bettina interview 98 of us! The results would be fascinating.