Masochism and libido

By being more 'mindful' of what it is happening in the moment it is possible to tap into our subconscious thoughts and to transfer them into our conscious mind. This is important because our subconscious mind tends to hold onto old hurt and negative experiences and to endlessly recycle these experiences. Feelings from our childhood such as feeling controlled, helpless, rejected, unloved, abandoned and so on don't suddenly disappear as we grow older. To put it in other words we can remain attached to these feelings. They are unresolved feelings for us.

Although we may want to feel loved or respected, we haven't come to terms, necessarily, with our feelings of having been disrespected or unloved. So, we fear being disrespected or unloved yet again, remaining attached to that feeling.

It is thought by some psychotherapists  that we can libidinize these feelings - recreate and recycle them as a part of our libido. The negative feelings accord with our sense of injustice and so we must develop "psychological defense systems designed to cover up our emotional attachment to old negative experiences". In this process we may blame others for negative feelings we currently experience, that are really more concerned with covering up these negative feelings from the past that we are playing out over and over again.

In our willingness to recycle these feelings over and over again we are, it is thought, involving ourselves in an "unconscious masochism" which is tapped into when we experience sexual pleasure from various forms of abuse or denigration. Michaelson goes on to discuss sadism as a form of masochism (by identifying with the passivity of the masochist) but let's focus on the masochist's motives and experiences for this post.

What interested me particularly were his comments about the "dark side" - that affinity with negative experiences - and how recycling negative experiences can lead to emotional defensiveness such as apathy, self-pity, self-absorption, cruelty, greed, hatred and violence. By making the dark side conscious, he suggests, we can overcome the negative influences of them.

I know that people who engage in BDSM are inclined to be defensive about their practices, needs and desires. It is upsetting to be looked down on or to be considered perverted for engaging in relationships and experiences that allow us to enjoy our sexual natures.

At the same time, I am not prepared to dismiss Michaelson's comments, even though I'm not completely comfortable with the article for obvious reasons. I don't doubt that I have brought into my adult life some negative feelings and experiences from my childhood. The reality is that I, fundamentally, brought myself up. My parents were very busy and engaged in business life, so whilst I knew that I was loved and that they were proud of me, it was the sort of love that one experiences from a distance. It is true, too, that what I was good at doing wasn't seen as particularly worthy attributes to have, which I didn't find easy, but I may be 'feeling' that to be the case, rather than something that was in their minds. I could be wrong.

I am well aware also that there is a negative and annoying inner voice that often speaks to me saying such cruel things as "why would you bother even doing a writing course when you have no talent?" In my first years of school I think I was made to write with my right hand (I don't have clear memories of what actually happened) until it was considered hopeless and I was allowed to write with my left hand. According to my reports in first and second grades something profound happened in that year and from second grade, and thereafter, I was an A student. Unfortunately, my fourth grade teacher said to my mother, who then told me, that I wouldn't be able to maintain that standard and it put a doubt in my mind that has never gone away. 'Higher Distinctions' recently achieved, evidence one would of thought of some capability, does not make the doubt go. I definitely am recycling some negative feelings and experiences.

But, am I recycling them in the form of masochism? That's the big question. Have I libidinized those old feelings? When I experience sexual pleasure from various forms of "abuse and denigration" am I tapping into previously felt emotional suffering and recycling it yet again? Well, maybe I am. I don't really know. I will continue to dwell on this and see what comes up.

I can say this. It's a very rare day when I feel unloved or disrespected in the power exchange arena of my life. When I live under the dome of understanding that I am to be monitored and when I experience pain/pleasure that releases me from the reality of the moment (a sort of mindfulness of sensation I think), I feel a sense of great happiness. It is not only being done to me but for me. My mind translates these experiences as loving experiences. Perhaps I am working on feelings of having felt unloved or disrespected in the past. It is entirely possible. Yet, I can't see the negativity or harm that comes from doing what I do. I am aware that I am reliant on these experiences for my happiness and to that end I continue to work on a sense of self that enables me to feel whole, no matter what happens. The fact remains that I am elevated by these feelings and experiences and I continue to feel that this must surely be a positive experience. But, as always, I am open to learning more.

CARE

Bettina Arndt, well know sex therapist and writer, has recently published, 'The Sex Diaries: Why Women Go Off Sex and Other Bedroom Battles'.

In an article she wrote for 'The Age' Good Weekend magazine, she notes that "researchers from Germany found that, four years into a relationship, less than half of 30-year old women wanted regular sex." She says that "women know their loss of sexual drive is a huge issue in their relationships."

So, Bettina had 98 couples keep a sex diary and to feel free to write whatever they wished. She writes, "With my sex diaries, it was the men's stories that really set me back on my heels. It is so rare that men talk openly about such personal issues, but the diaries gave them permission to let loose...Many feel duped, disappointed, in despair at finding themselves spending their lives begging for sex from their loved partners."

Now, Bettina is not a woman afraid to stir the pot and get people to really think, and she comes up with a very interesting notion:

"It was one of the outstanding achievements of the women's movement to outlaw rape in marriage and teach women to resist unwanted advances. But it simply hasn't worked to have a couple's sex life hinge on the fragile, feeble female libido."

Needless to say, some of the female members of her audiences at the moment are not feeling kindly towards her and her ideas.

But, I think she might have a point. What she is not saying is 'Do it for England!' What she is saying is that if a women made an effort to engage in sex with her partner, she might find that she actually enjoys it herself.

When Bettina originally asked for volunteers for people to keep sex diaries for her she received a letter from Sam. Sam is twice married, 54, whose first marriage fell apart over battles about sex. His first wife regularly refused his requests for sex, and when she sometimes begrudgingly complied, it made him feel like a thief.

Then he married Rose. He writes about Rose, who has a demanding job as a manager:

"She has never used the headache defence, never been too tired. Always, she makes sex a gift if she is not in the mood herself. Often she finds herself enjoying the moment. She does this because she cares about me, about my feelings and my needs. In my case, I'm sure you can guess the outcomes. If I notice Rose is run down and tired, seldom will I reach for her other than to give her a cuddle...I am far from the perfect husband, but I do love and care for her, not because I am a wonderful bloke, but because her so very obvious caring for me can lead to little else other than reciprocity."

It was the word care that resonated with me.

I do think that people in a power exchange relationship have an advantage here. The relationship is built around care. The sub tends to quite naturally want to care for him, in the bedroom and out, and the care he provides her, in the bedroom and out, makes her feel special, thus promoting the care for him. It's a bit of a circle.

It is often said that the sub seeks attention, but I think that is only half of the equation. The dom ensures, in every conceivable way, that the sub demonstrates that she is willing to attend to his needs, too.

Now, things do go wrong in power exchange relationships, too. It tends to be the other way around though, I think. A woman who is finally expressing her submission tends to have a very high libido and perhaps it is the dom who sometimes feigns a headache! He may wonder, 'When is enough, enough?"

And, a power exchange relationship can be delicate. She gives, (and gives in) to the Dom, in the expectation, surely, that she can rely on him to attend to her. She adores the focus, so it is not enough to give her some amazing 'scenes', I think. She wants to know that he is watching; when she is good and even when she is bad. She wants his attention and she wants it regularly. Both team players have responsibilities. I just don't prescribe to the notion that it is all about the dom's pleasure. Long term that just doesn't sound workable to me.

I believe that vanilla partnerships have much to learn from the power exchange relationship. All partners need to talk about what is going to work for them, but if care for one another is high on the agenda, I think that could be the missing ingredient.

Perhaps we can have Bettina interview 98 of us! The results would be fascinating.