Anxiety

My interest in submission goes well beyond the erotic. For a few years now, I have been giving consideration to any ties there might be with various psychological patterns of behaviour and submission. In the past, I was in regular touch with a therapist who was dominant. He was also keen to explore domination and submission with some academic rigor and our discussions on the submissive’s feelings of ‘neediness’ were quite eye-opening. Lately, I have been considering the submissive and wondering if there might be any link to her feelings of submission and feelings of anxiety.

Recently, my husband opened up a discussion with me about anxiety. He wanted me to acknowledge my feelings of anxiety and how they might show up as unacceptable behaviours for a submissive woman to exhibit. People can feel shame about feeling anxious, but it was with some relief that I acknowledged that I do suffer anxiety in certain situations. One example is that I can feel anxious in very noisy environments. In such an environment, if he should try to conduct a conversation with me, I can experience feelings of great anxiety. The competing noises can really put me on edge, and I might find myself giving him a short response. I don’t mean that I ‘flip out’ at him, but rather that there might be a bit of edge in my voice as the frustration in my body becomes overwhelming. I’ve been chastised for this for years, before we both came to see it for what it was: feelings of anxiety making it difficult for me to express my submission appropriately.

One reason people feel anxious, I understand, is when they are outside their comfort zone. Meeting new people may make them anxious because they don’t know what to expect from the encounter. They may be anxious when they are expected to perform. A woman may manage to cook a wonderful meal for a dinner party if left in the kitchen alone, for example, but experience anxiety if people watch her cook.

A dominant may consider it his job to push at his submissive’s edges. Perhaps he wants her to ‘prance’ for him, but this is something she has never done, or considered doing. She is his submissive, after all, and if he wants to see her do this, then it is his responsibility, perhaps, to bring her to the point where she can put aside her feelings of resistance to the task, and ‘prance’ for him. Yet, pushing up against her edges, her limits, may increase her anxiety for some reason. Perhaps, she is anxious about the way her breasts will look bouncing up and down. She has experienced anxiety about the size of her breasts since high school, when girls made fun of them.

Now, let us consider the submissive who is not only bouncing off her edges when the dominant demands something new of her, but she is also trying to deal with her anxiety in being outside her comfort zone. Her resistance may be very strong because of the extreme discomfort she experiences internally. Perhaps, her dominant is completely unaware of those inner thoughts and feelings. She struggles not only with her anxiety but with her feeling of failure as his submissive.

I am not qualified to suggest remedies for this situation, but what I am suggesting is that a dominant whose submissive is resisting his dominance may need to consider if anxiety is playing a part in their relationship.

One thought worth considering is that the submissive who is willing to operate outside her comfort zone should stop being so hard on herself. The vast majority of people are content to remain in their comfort zone for much of their lives, whilst she continually allows herself to be pushed well beyond that state. Her bravery in doing so is to be admired, and she could be given much praise. The dominant must be wary, I believe, of punishing her for non-compliance when in fact it may be her anxiety about the situation that is not allowing her to proceed. As always in a power exchange relationship, good communication is vital. Both the dominant and the submissive must be 100 per cent open with one another if such issues are to be appropriately taken into account.