Distress

For a brief, shining moment we had in our midst a therapist who not only had an intense interest in dominance and submission but who was keen to write about BDSM experiences and the various psychological implications of such experiences. It is such a pity that his personal life no longer enabled him to maintain his blog because there was no finer resource for people who were concerned about issues in relation to a power exchange.

We became friends who exchanged emails and some time back when my limits were being pushed and I felt considerable resistance and worried I may be doing harm to myself, I made contact with him again for some advice. He assured me that it was all right for my edges to be pushed but that if I felt that my psyche was being tampered with such that I felt ongoing stress, it may be too much. I should trust myself to know the difference. He felt sure that I would know if I had reached that point.

Perhaps the knowledge that he trusted me to trust my own abilities in the matter was enough for me because I settled down about whatever issue it was at the time, and as usual, trusted my instincts to guide me through my inner turmoil and to a place where joy in the power exchange experience returned to my life.

I feel a very strong sense of responsibility to those who read here not to trivialize the BDSM experience or to paint it in such glowing terms as for it to appear that it comes without its problems and concerns. With so little professional advice to be offered to practitioners I can only repeat the professional advice that was offered to me and suggest to readers that they pay heed to their own mind and stop to make note of any response where one is agitated and overly emotional. I don’t think ‘upset’ necessarily means that the situation is unresolvable at all, but it does mean perhaps that the mind has thrown up an issue to be addressed.

The submissive response is so often to be the peace maker, to make things right, and in so doing a submissive can be inclined to hold onto issues found perturbing. She may be lonely or not reconciled with a decision or reverting back to long held ‘truths’ such as to express her obedience no matter how she feels. She makes the most of a situation, stays positive, accepts her lot and trusts that this will be enough as it has been enough before. Nine times out of ten, all is well and her concern evaporates much as her monthly cycle first brought her stress but then the stress was released. A woman has deep emotions and they ebb and flow within her almost beyond her control at times.

Sometimes, the upset spills over. Obedience, patience, self-control and sense of calm, be damned, she expresses herself in all her glory and her bile spills out, spewing forth her upset and inner turmoil. I don’t think it does the submissive good to run about wildly at such times. She is likely to feel even more scattered and unsafe should that take place. But, I think it essential that she be allowed to express herself and expunge her distress until her energy is dissipated. This is the soul demanding to be heard. Later, when she is quiet and subdued and reflective, her dominant will, we can but hope, talk with her calmly about what brought matters in her mind to a head and with due care put the situation back to right.

A doctor friend of mine with an interest in adolescent health said to me once that the family who expresses its emotion makes for healthy adolescents, and I think we can satisfactorily transfer this theory to the dominant submissive relationship.

Even the submissives of us who are strongly encouraged to unpack our minds on a regular basis may hold onto unresolved issues, and when they are ready to be expressed, it seems to me the dominant must listen carefully. If the submissive happens to unpack her mind with gusto and bravado once every blue moon, so be it. She did her best. Nobody’s perfect and this is an excellent time, once she is calm, to make the necessary adjustments to set her life back to right. The expression of negative emotions is not necessarily a bad thing at all. An argument can be cleansing. A submissive will return to type. She will want to reconcile and repair and ensure that the relationship is returned to status quo. She will look to her dominant to guide her through that abyss and back to safety, containment, satisfaction and ultimately, joy.

This is a time when the dominant must stand up and take the lead; calmly, responsibly, empathically. It is his girl who is upset, and it is his responsibility to ensure that she is heard. All will be well soon.

Anxiety

My interest in submission goes well beyond the erotic. For a few years now, I have been giving consideration to any ties there might be with various psychological patterns of behaviour and submission. In the past, I was in regular touch with a therapist who was dominant. He was also keen to explore domination and submission with some academic rigor and our discussions on the submissive’s feelings of ‘neediness’ were quite eye-opening. Lately, I have been considering the submissive and wondering if there might be any link to her feelings of submission and feelings of anxiety.

Recently, my husband opened up a discussion with me about anxiety. He wanted me to acknowledge my feelings of anxiety and how they might show up as unacceptable behaviours for a submissive woman to exhibit. People can feel shame about feeling anxious, but it was with some relief that I acknowledged that I do suffer anxiety in certain situations. One example is that I can feel anxious in very noisy environments. In such an environment, if he should try to conduct a conversation with me, I can experience feelings of great anxiety. The competing noises can really put me on edge, and I might find myself giving him a short response. I don’t mean that I ‘flip out’ at him, but rather that there might be a bit of edge in my voice as the frustration in my body becomes overwhelming. I’ve been chastised for this for years, before we both came to see it for what it was: feelings of anxiety making it difficult for me to express my submission appropriately.

One reason people feel anxious, I understand, is when they are outside their comfort zone. Meeting new people may make them anxious because they don’t know what to expect from the encounter. They may be anxious when they are expected to perform. A woman may manage to cook a wonderful meal for a dinner party if left in the kitchen alone, for example, but experience anxiety if people watch her cook.

A dominant may consider it his job to push at his submissive’s edges. Perhaps he wants her to ‘prance’ for him, but this is something she has never done, or considered doing. She is his submissive, after all, and if he wants to see her do this, then it is his responsibility, perhaps, to bring her to the point where she can put aside her feelings of resistance to the task, and ‘prance’ for him. Yet, pushing up against her edges, her limits, may increase her anxiety for some reason. Perhaps, she is anxious about the way her breasts will look bouncing up and down. She has experienced anxiety about the size of her breasts since high school, when girls made fun of them.

Now, let us consider the submissive who is not only bouncing off her edges when the dominant demands something new of her, but she is also trying to deal with her anxiety in being outside her comfort zone. Her resistance may be very strong because of the extreme discomfort she experiences internally. Perhaps, her dominant is completely unaware of those inner thoughts and feelings. She struggles not only with her anxiety but with her feeling of failure as his submissive.

I am not qualified to suggest remedies for this situation, but what I am suggesting is that a dominant whose submissive is resisting his dominance may need to consider if anxiety is playing a part in their relationship.

One thought worth considering is that the submissive who is willing to operate outside her comfort zone should stop being so hard on herself. The vast majority of people are content to remain in their comfort zone for much of their lives, whilst she continually allows herself to be pushed well beyond that state. Her bravery in doing so is to be admired, and she could be given much praise. The dominant must be wary, I believe, of punishing her for non-compliance when in fact it may be her anxiety about the situation that is not allowing her to proceed. As always in a power exchange relationship, good communication is vital. Both the dominant and the submissive must be 100 per cent open with one another if such issues are to be appropriately taken into account.