Dominance

From time to time, I have read about a woman in a D/s style relationship who has lost her dominant, as in he died, or once or twice I have read about a dominant who has lost his submissive. I remember once telling a dominant friend that I was a little fearful of the dynamic because of the fear of just that - my dominant dying before I did, and the huge hole I imagined that would create in my life.

My husband, who has been diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer isn't your typical cancer patient and he is doing so many of the right things. He honors his intuition, is deeply engaged with the healing process, has released many of his repressed emotions through hypnosis and floods his body with positive emotions. He must go for treatment each month and each and every time he is praised for his attitude. They see him as one out of the box and wish all their other patients had such a strong life force. So, most of the time, I am engaged with his strong life force and certainly not someone who has dug himself a pit of negativity or any sort of resignation.

It's part and parcel of the way we have lived together, for nearly 50 years now. Something very difficult happens, maybe an investment goes pear shaped, or a child or a grandchild has an issue. He is subject to the normal ups and downs of this but ultimately, he rallies. He says something akin to, 'don't worry, we will rise from the ashes and rebuild'. It's our whole lives together that has been a training ground, like a dharma strengthening of character, so that when a heavy-duty dose of courage is required, one is conditioned in that virtue.

I think about our dynamic as one where, as Brene Brown says, it's not 50:50. Sometimes, I might be a 10 and sometimes I am a 90. When he is caught up in fear, letting his imagination run a bit wild, I feel that I can't and shouldn't rely on him for strength or leadership.

This happened late last night when I could see his imagination running wild, and without information that allowed me to decipher whether what he was saying was a major concern, or not, I knew that the best thing for me was to go to silence. This morning provided greater informed detail, and the issue brings with it, a need for careful monitoring, possibly a second opinion, but nothing that seems abnormal under the circumstances. 

My daughter in law, who is carrying their first child, who needs to get married fast (there is an Asian mother to satisfy) and who needs to find a house fast before the baby arrives, said to me on the weekend that she is close to overwhelm. I get it.

In my ideal fantasy world, it's the Dominant one who settles me down, assures me everything will be all right, and enables me to feel safe and secure. I read this blog, I don't particularly want to say which one because it is sorta extreme, and he has the talent of allowing his wife (I am assuming from his writing) to feel so very secure in his dominance. 

She knows the rules. She knows the expectations. She understands that the rules are for her good, and for the good of the marriage and the family. He punishes when she deviates from the good order his rules impose and by all accounts, she responds to the punishment well in that she seems perfectly happy more or less immediately thereafter. 

Of course, it's him writing, not her, and so maybe, like me, she has to sometimes settle him; put things into perspective; give her reading of the things that happen in their lives. Maybe he gets dispirited, or negative, or over-worrying and she has to be the one to pick up the pieces for him on a given day. It's the tango that all couples dance, isn't it?!

In my fantasy world, in my aroused state, it's all so completely set in stone, like in the blog. I read that blog because I like that world he writes about, where he has created this fantastic sense of safety and calm, and putting things right should they go off course. She doesn't, or has learned not to, let's say, argue the point but rather accepts that her ass will bear the brunt of her misalignments of his vision for them. It's just life, their life; the way things go in that household.

For a time, it was like that for us. Pretty close. My husband got sick, and things changed, and I remember how unsafe I felt. That's when I went looking for other ways to feel calm - meditation and breathing techniques and self-compassion exercises and such. 

Here's the thing: For me, nothing cures a sense of anxiety, of worry, or overwhelm, faster than experiencing dominance. It's an act of kindness really, though maybe not in the moment. It makes me feel safe, secure, calm, at peace. It is, I have to think, some deeply invested sense of femininity left over from the stone age that lodged in my body long before there was a body. It's the only explanation.