Fear

 Although I do feel into the sense of my body during yoga experiences, I am aware I am not good at visually creating new worlds inside my head. However, if you don't try, you can't improve, and so I tried it this morning whilst I was waking up. 

An image flashed up of a deep forest, that is one tall, relatively thin tree beside another tall, relatively thin tree, there being thousands of such tall and thin trees. I was somewhere in the middle of it. A well-known phrase popped in - can't see the forest for the trees.

I purposefully made myself see some more detail. Not surprisingly for me, I looked for danger. Was there a poisonous snake in a tree, or some four-legged dangerous animal hiding just out of view? I detected nothing. It seemed to be me and the forest, nothing more.

Then, I noticed that the sun was casting light into the forest, almost like a sign, a signpost. I may be thick in the forest and unsure what to do, but the sun was shining; light; hope.

As I think about it now, it reminds me of an experience long ago when I had my first child. Thinking that there would be oodles of free time, I signed myself up for a Graduate Diploma of Education. Whilst the baby slept one afternoon I prepared for a multiple-choice exam on 'Education Psychology', but I suspect I felt unprepared on the day; you know, nervous. (Folks, if you haven't figured it out yet, I'm a nervous Nelly.) 

When I turned the paper over, it looked like gobbledygook. I took a breath and told myself I must remember something from the study and bit by bit I realized that I knew pretty much all the answers. It was like a light coming on, at first dim and then getting brighter and brighter until I could see crystal clear.

That's how it was in the forest; at first totally intimidating, but as my courage grew, I started to form a plan. I started to sense that I had the inward strength to get myself out of this situation safely.

There's another part of me, though, that enjoys a little fear; that inner knowing that I have to push myself out of my comfort zone; to be willing to take more chances.

Now, what might a psychologist say about this? Obvious. Fear of failure. Maybe doubting one's own abilities to deal with the unknown; to face danger square in the eye and say, 'I am not afraid'.

It's an interesting thing that as you sit with a sense of danger, feel into it, the intense discomfort of it in a bodily sense, the feeling starts to dissipate; becomes more distant. You can walk yourself out of the forest, which is what I did.

P.S. I went looking to see if I wrote about fear before and look at this from 2011: Vesta's submission: Fear (vestassubmission.blogspot.com)