Us

 For those who haven't read this e-journal before, let me recap the past year or so.

We engaged a sort of sex therapist with the idea that we wanted a more formal and satisfying D/s relationship. There was considerable derailment around whether we were codependent or not, blah, blah, blah. As opposed to providing a sense of calm and equanimity - always my goal - there was a long period of dishevelment and analysis, never a good thing.

There was a 10-week period around 15 months ago where I was in a no-man's land. That is, my submissive thoughts had been removed via hypnotic trance, and ultimately, they were returned with some more intensity. If you should ever find yourself wondering if this is a good idea, all I can say is, I do not recommend the process.

However, once the submission was returned with gusto, for a few weeks, it was a dream come true. My submission was attached to orgasm and obedience, and I revelled in it. We both did.

There was a day over (our) summer when things didn't go so well. He interrogated me about my thoughts and in the end, I expressed some fears around the status quo (unrelated to the relationship per se but rather around my sense of safety. He can tolerate miles more risk than me and that's what that was about).

This set us deeply off track in term of the oh so new intense dynamic. He simply stopped being sexually dominant.

It's hard to put in words the sense of loss. Having waited for so long for him to be this way, the rug was pulled from under my feet so soon after it had begun.

We both wore the responsibility of the failure. It's like we didn't know how to repair, we honestly didn't know what to do.

I started to talk about the Contract, a BDSM sort of Contract, one of fair substance and detail, finalising it and getting it signed. He sort of agreed but he actually did next to nothing (read nothing) to sort this. I would write a draft, and he would look at it and in more recent times, sometimes he would say something like, 'I don't see how you can have so much input into it, it doesn't feel right'. I would reply, 'So can you give your input?'

Maybe two months ago, he agreed to sit down and discuss it with me, and we took notes. It was a great session, but still something was holding him back. It remained incomplete and unsigned. He later shared that it felt like a business contract and as such required line by line analysis and he didn't have the time or inclination for it.

I started listening to Andrew and Dawn at Dom Sub Devotion and for the first time, it all made so much sense. Here was a man who had lived in a longish marriage who had come to his wife and asked for a power dynamic, like me.

Slowly, carefully, artfully, with deep respect and wisdom he had become the architect of their lives such that she could sink into her authenticity as he could sink into his. I was completely smitten.

So, I thought about all the elements of their power dynamic that I loved and in one sitting, one afternoon, whilst my husband was at work, I wrote us a new and short Contract. I think I wrote it in ten minutes because it simply flowed out of me.

I sent it in a text to my husband and when he saw his phone and read it, he sent me back a row of hearts. Later, he told me it was perfect.

In spite of all the mutterings about me being codependent to my husband, I am not. I am and always have been an independent gal, perfectly able to entertain and look after myself. I need love and I need attention, just like any submissively oriented girl. Bringing up four children, I often couldn't find time for myself. Yes, I was a devoted mother, but I am in a different era of my life and I can do self-care. I do have boundaries. 

I have, twice in my life, been subject to a form of love bombing. I used to berate myself for falling prey to this, but I have stopped doing that. I am probably no more and no less vulnerable to that sort of behaviour than any other girl who experienced some neglect as a child. I liked the adoration and when the devaluation started to take place, it took a little while for my brain to sort it, but sort it, it did.

That said, it feels authentic and pleasing to be in a D/s relationship. I enjoy being able to express my submissive nature. I'm perfectly okay with that.

I am happy to share the Contract here, for those who might resonate with a contract that has no BDSM notions and practices specifically laid out. We are in a long-term loving relationship and a consensual non-consensual relationship is what does it for us when all is well between us, as it is now.

Just before I do, I would like to share a recent happening when I, in my head, used the tenor of the Contract to remedy a situation.

We had had a very active period of time, interstate, and immersed in activities - fun, but exhausting. In the Uber on the way home I thought about what would be, a very late dinner. I suggested I send to my husband's text a list of ingredients and he was happy to make the run to the supermarket whilst I watered the garden after the heatwave.

By the time he returned, my tiredness had made me crochety. He isn't used to that, and he was doubly crotchety back. We ate the dinner, and I made my way to bed. We said good night to each other, but I knew he wasn't happy with me.

In the morning, he came to kiss me goodbye and as I put my arms around him, I said, "I am sorry." He said, "That means a lot to me." The dynamic was restored. This was good. I congratulated myself.

Inside, the feeling is different now. I am more at peace. Not all that much has changed on the surface, perhaps, but deep down, it feels far more real.

I require a sense of safety. There's been reason to be fearful in my life and it is a sense of safety I hanker for.

I also have taken from my childhood a bit of unworthiness, which is, quite frankly, an illusion. Sure, I could have achieved more, and maybe I will achieve more, but I have done fine. It's time to tell the self-judging part to back off. I am enough.

I plead guilty to having done my fair share of caretaking, but I have learned so much and put so much in place.

I honestly believe that my husband and I are in fact interdependent. We are there for each other. He has my back, and I have his back. We encourage each other in our individual pursuits, and we still love to spend time together. After 49 years together, I think that's not bad.

So, here's the Contract. I hope it helps someone.

CONTRACT BETWEEN VESTA and HER MAN

Henceforth from this date, C is the leader of this relationship and Vesta is the follower.

C will guide her as necessary and keep her safe, loved and cherished.

Vesta will accept his guidance and devote herself to him and the relationship.

In this way they both will experience polarity and the strongest sense of their own authenticity.

The dynamic will be experienced in moments of polarity as determined by C. Such moments, as determined by him and conveyed to her, would include the morning greeting, the wearing of a piece of jewellery symbolising their relationship, the turning down of the bed, for Vesta to wait to eat until he has his first bite of food, for Vesta to wait for him to open a car door, to order her meal at a restaurant.

C will determine how and when they will play together, and will decide on toys used, impact, pleasure, denial, instruction. Vesta will follow his lead in this, as in all things.

C, in seeking her authenticity, will enforce her expressing her full range of emotions and thoughts, in a respectful way, with final decisions as to direction and substance being determined by C.

This contract is written in expression of their enduring love, to death and beyond.

With love,

Rethinking the Contract

 I have a question that rumbles around in my brain; held towards the back of my consciousness, but even so, consistently present. 

'How do I keep my husband in the game of a D/s dynamic?'

There is a simple fact that must be allowed for, and it is that his mind is both externally focused and also that it is extremely busy. He, for example, doesn't mean to interrupt me mid-sentence but it happens often, because when I start saying something he has a thought and that thought insists on being expressed immediately. It's just part of having ADHD and I know he means me no harm.

On that, improvement has been made. A few years back, if I mentioned that he had interrupted me, self-hatred had him projecting out his feelings on me. That's rare now. I can say, 'may I finish my sentence?' and he is quick to say, 'Yes, yes'.

The obvious answer to my above question is a Contract, an Agreement, and yet he hasn't felt he has the time, or the skill set, and frankly the inclination, to get this done. He thought he had given that task to someone we engaged to help us with that, but it never happened in a way he felt satisfied with. Thus, it remains on the extremely long 'to do' list.

Well, actually I did it myself to the best of my ability, but it truly is a two-person job, and that means we need to sit down and get it done together.

Another characteristic of ADHD is that those people with that particular type of brain find starting things and finishing things rather difficult. This is most especially the case, obviously enough, if they feel they don't have the skill set to do something.

So, I thought I would revisit this on my own and then reintroduce the Contract idea with the hope of some mutual agreement going forth.

If I were to be asked, 'what do you want most?' it wouldn't be where someone is controlling me. I don't want supervision to not smoke and the like. I have a strong sense of independence. I don't, for example, want someone saying, 'I want you to cook a meal for me.' What a waste of a statement. I have been doing that consistently for nearly 50 years. Looking after someone is my jam.

I initiate many things and advancements in our lives, especially once I realized that he secretly enjoyed me doing so. For years there was that push/pull that he wanted to control many things, didn't get them done, I initiated the thing, and that actually pleased him. Slowly, I realized I had more control to improve our lives than I had realized.

What I want is sexual satisfaction. I don't need to have this three times a week, but I do need to have it on some sort of a regular basis. I used to think it lost its meaning if I asked for this, and in some respects, I still do, since I enjoy being 'taken'.

However, I think it would be a game changer if I thought about this as a monthly thing; that is, in November, I would like to have at least one experience where I had a massive orgasm (he knows full well how to achieve this) and at least one experience where I felt the submission in a sexually charged way. This could be using the equipment he bought earlier in the year - the collar, the leash etc. Or it could be using rope to tie me for a Saturday afternoon. Whatever. I just want to know that every few weeks I can feel into that part of my personality.

So, if he agrees to give me that, and let's face it, only he can, since he would never agree to me having a play partner, what can I give him? Well, duh, whatever he wants. The problem is when I ask him what he wants he doesn't really have an answer. 

So, referencing the above strategy, I need to initiate something that he might like and that might get the ball rolling. A full body massage? For him to insert (in me) a butt plug, that size increasing over time? I have to think of something that would entice him to think of play as something that works in his favor, and that has a timeline. A month seems right to me; that's four weeks which gives lots of wiggle time but also demands that satisfaction takes place within the month, keeping everyone honest.

We did try a weekly spanking, but I didn't see that as really bringing us together in a way I had hoped. Sure, receiving a spanking is a submissive act, but pain in and of itself didn't really work for me. It didn't get into that bimbo part I wanted to dig down to; the usery and sluttiness.

When I did a meditation that was designed to heal my core feminine wound, I was asked to say (I think I have this right) 'I see you. I feel you. You are welcome here. I am sorry. Thank you'. Immediately, cindi, the bimbo slut came to mind. She deserves her time, you know? She's no small part of my psyche.

Contract awaits

 I await the Contract. No, it's not a legal contract and no lawyers are involved. Nevertheless, it seems like a lot of thought is going into the document, in spite of the fact that various iterations are expected to get it just right.

I made a small contribution. I was asked if I had any requests or ideas, and I made a note of them. I wanted to express what I saw as my role and the characteristics that make up that role in my mind. I wanted to express what I saw as his role. It's what the hypnotist refers to as the Keystone statement. 

I didn't have any deal breakers since we've been together quite long enough, I would say (48 years!), to trust that nothing is going to be a dealbreaker at this stage of the game.

I mentioned, very broadly, maybe there's a few things I could have at my disposal to key him in to me wanting attention without breaking the tenor of the Contract...

Maybe there's a list of 'go to' activities that he can know are welcome. Maybe not. I think they think that's not the way to go; maybe, apart from the obvious no-go zones, everything is a green sign. 

I thought a nighttime ritual would be cool, and the hynotist responded to that with an idea I like very much.

In other words, it's all up in the air, and it's kind of like some old show I used to watch where the owners of the house leave and the designers come in and make over your house. 

Not quite. It's a sort of a negotiation. I think.

Most of the time I can be patient about this, like a girl awaiting a proposal of marriage, maybe. You sort of know it will happen sometime soon, but you can't be sure. Is it tonight, or in three months? So, you just sort of await the other in some sort of suspended animation.

Half a week ago the hypnotist and I had a brief chat around the Contract, extending out the conversation to traverse the relationship that would result from it. I happened to mention that my submissive appetite was waaaaaay up and he said something rather surprising to me.

He said that a passionate force (me, I guess) required a strong hand, clear boundaries and high standards.

 I interpreted this as strictness, maybe because I was wayward. I tend to think that this sort of statement is directed towards someone who needs to be kept in her lane. David, my friend who died some years ago and was sort of like a father to me, said to me that he kept me in my lane, but that there were bumpers on the lane. So, I rolled like a ball from the left to the right but stayed in my lane. Never forgot that. I felt it was said endearingly.

No, no, no, the hypnotist assured me. It was not a derisive comment at all. His explanation is really worth reading carefully.

He said that there are three motivations for a person to want to express his or her submission. It could be devotional (love), positional (a desire to do things well) or transactional. I tended towards 40% for the first two and 20% for the third.  (He may have said 50% for the first two and zero for the last category. I know my husband thinks there is a negotiation side of me.) I remembered as he explained this that I knew this material from a podcast of his and we had even briefly discussed it months ago when we were first getting to know each other.

He made me an audio message and said that I was a person who wanted to do things well, that that mattered to me and so to "win" at my submission I needed a 'strong hand, clear boundaries and high standards'.

When he put it like that it was far more palatable. I didn't need to feel like I was 'bad' which is an insufferable thought or feeling for me. He was committed to explaining all this to me because he was not in any way criticizing me. That was comforting.

Since writing the last post and this post I have had wonderful sex and although I have no quarrel with the explanations above, I think really great sex goes an awfully long way to a girl being more than happy to follow the rules as laid out. I may be smiling as I write this, but we both know it's true. 

Stop the shit

It's been...eventful...and I barely know where to start. It's been about my emotions - the spilling over of them and the repercussions of them  - and it's been about intimacy through a shared dynamic, and it's been about accepting my own faults. It's been about so much that at the moment it's just a smattering of disjoint thoughts.

There is a recognition as well that you can't share what you can't put into words. If your perceptions and growth can't be expressed coherently, maybe you haven't quite reached the place where you need to go. Yet, I want to record something here and see where it goes, how it expands and grows in my mind. It feels like I have a palm full of seeds that could grow into a very good crop if I tend them well. Right now my thoughts are just separate seeds living right beside each other but not amounting to much until put into the ground and watered; left to mature and reach for sunlight. Still, I have the seeds. That's a start.

First of all, a situation occurred where I felt alienated. Experiencing a sense of alienation - whether true or just perceived in that light - shatters me. I know it shatters me and my mind protected me this time by telling me, first, that I wasn't troubled by it, and soon after that, it told me that I needed to stand up for myself. If memory serves me rightly only a few days before this event (perhaps seeing it coming and getting ready?) I pulled from my file the long article my psychologist had given me about 'The Subjugation Trap'. As I read it, it was blatantly obvious this time around that I fell firmly into the category of a subjugated person, potentially. The reason for this is that I wasn't assertive. I'd blended into people to keep the peace in many ways and according to the article I needed to learn to ask for things in a way where I was listened to. I needed to see myself as my own person.

I made notes. I began cue cards to keep me on track in my own mind. By God, this time I was going to get this right. When the time came to speak again my physiological responses weren't really under control but I wanted to talk. I decided to say as little as possible in the hope of staying in control of myself. But, in this power dynamic of mine there's always going to be a way to show me that I'm not the one in control and eventually I had to speak first. It came out as 'girl language', formal speech, an immediate and resounding red flag that I was upset and feisty.

I found myself making statements and asking questions in the most direct way ever that I can remember. This was, I'd agree, akin to waving a red flag at a bull and I'd say this conversation was as close to a 'fight' as we have ever had. (Still, I was proud of myself for making those statements!) I'd punched some accusations and statements over the net and he volleyed some others right back at me.

It's not usual for him to say all that much in one mouthful and as the words spewed out I could feel the bile rising. I was angry. As I do, I tried to settle myself. I was aware of my quickening breath and the tightness in my chest. I knew all too well that my brain was going haywire both with the messages being inputed but also with an emotional state now out of control.

I don't think I am what you want.

Yes, it is embarrassing now to look back and see how I played the feminine card. A little alienation on my part catapulted into the mix of words that had us both smashing balls with Exocet missile capability.


More was said, a good airing of grievances on both sides, but as we know in this dynamic, amongst people who have a tendency to be a bottom or a top, the Top prevails.  Thank God for that.

Stop the shit.
Bimbo was wrong.
Get back to pluggiz.
Talk later.

My anger has a beginning and an end. It burns out. It didn't burn out immediately but the next morning the thought began to occur that he had a point. I had deceived. I hadn't played by the rules. I hadn't just been deceiving him but I had been deceiving myself. My goals weren't achievable until I took responsibility myself  for my erroneous thinking about my strategy and stopped being slack, falling back into thinking traps of justifying my actions. He'd removed himself from the deal because the contract with him was broken and I did need to accept the fact that I'd erred. I had. It was my fault, looked at that way.


I always understood that if he knew every last piece of information about this subject that he'd correct, punish; insist. And, whilst I did the right thing about 98.5% of the time, I wasn't working to the rules laid out. I was achieving results, but not as fast I should have been. I know that.

This business of thinking of our arrangement as a contract - something that he emphasized - really challenged me. It was, somehow in my mind, taking two people with a range of emotions, strengths and weaknesses - human beings - and reducing that relationship to a commercial transaction. I found it galling and even insulting.

But as time has gone by I begin to see that there are concepts of a power exchange that I hadn't quite entirely understood related to the intimacy of the arrangement; another grievance of his at the time of the conversation that seemed so rich. By withholding all the information, by not being entirely honest, I'd denied the opportunity for intimacy that a power exchange dynamic provides. I don't necessarily mean sexual intimacy but the intimacy of two people sharing their lives; their frailties, their needs and their desires.

I'd failed to reveal myself and my weaknesses. I'd not revealed my failings for fear of abandonment (and thus was abandoned...). I'd made it impossible for him to do his work as he'd agreed to do. He'd removed himself from the arrangement because I'd made it clear that I wasn't willing to pay. I simply had not kept my bargain.

The whole experience - unpleasant as it was - had taught me something important, and rather than wanting to walk away from me, he'd seen it as his responsibility to me to pull me up. Maybe, he'd learned something else important about me too; that this fear of abandonment is not something that I can easily control; that it lives in my psyche and shows up without invitation. Fear has its own logic.

I'm not always easily dominated. I need relatively tight control. A partner needs to know that there will be times when it looks awfully like I want to throw in the towel. I don't. I am just hurting. I need someone who can withstand those moments, set me straight, and put me back in my place. I need someone who understands that I very much want to grow through this dynamic. I need someone to tell me to 'stop the shit'.

There's more to say, so much more. This is enough for today.