Whilst I have never before had much interest in Astrology, my dabble into that field lately has shown up such synchronicity that it is now impossible for me to dismiss it.
It is believed, according to the day and time I was born, in a particular location on this planet, that my challenge was destined to be 'fantasy'. To try to put that into my own words and based on what I have read, I have been a seeker of experiences of joy, but perhaps looking in the wrong places.
I have had experiences, wanted more experiences like those experiences and I have done this because I saw, or shall we say 'felt' a connection between those experiences and the divine. To put that another way, those experiences expressed themselves to me as attaining the nothingness with which we come into the world and the nothingness with which we leave the world.
I completely resonate with this 'truth'. I had an experience early on in my adulthood. The Earth stood still as I orgasmed. The sense of nothingness, of emptiness, of ecstatic joy were all rolled together in my mind. Once I had had that experience, I wanted more.
For some astrological thinkers, this is the 'challenge' of living through fantasy, and most particularly sexual fantasy. For others, it's called 'dissatisfaction'. I am, it is said, chasing joy, interfering with the natural processes by trying to create the thing I think will bring joy.
From my end, I know such experiences have brought me great joy, but I also know that they can't be relied upon, because those attempts don't consider the needs of my surroundings - that being that my husband is far less into those experiences than me and I cannot attain those experiences without him. They come but they come spasmodically. His mind is busy and it's really hard for him to turn it off such as to focus on consistent great sexual experiences that honestly bring us both great joy when they do happen.
In the literature I have read, I don't need to be burdened by the fact that I have been born with this challenge, otherwise known as a feminine core wound. I can find my vitality and power in other ways. I can achieve that sense of emptiness; that void that comes to me when my body sings, in other ways.
Of course, I am willing to explore this. A correspondent on tumblr once told me that sexuality was not my spiritual path but just one path to the Highest Path. That was years and years ago and it seems he was right.
With a rather good understanding now of what that means, of course I am willing to learn the lessons in an even deeper way.
Alas, I am also aware that neither my body nor my mind will willingly sacrifice the 'fantasy' of high sexual charge; of being reduced to nothingness; no-one; nobody. It's been in my wiring for a very long time.
It is written that the power of Grace will ensure that all my dreams will ultimately come true, but only when I understand what my highest dreams really are.
I understand the words. I know I have seen glimpses of my highest dreams in sexual experiences, and I know there is a higher purpose behind those desires. I perhaps underestimated the power and value of other forms of the present moment, those experiences I can achieve on my own, where the end returns us back to the start. I have experienced those states too, and very recently so. I will try to put those experiences down soon.
I believe that my 'fantasy' was for my Highest Good - equanimity - but perhaps the vehicle for the ride requires revisiting, given the lack of compatibility with my environment. Perhaps, it is thought, I need to include the Highest good of other people. I admit I have felt this in my bones for some time. When I am not leading a meditation group, I yearn for those opportunities to assist others.
I'm told Venus holds more information for me. Happy to learn. I will return when I know more.
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