It is what it is

 I would like to think that the sky is the limit; that two people can get so close that they can reveal themselves, perhaps not in entirety, but close enough.

We keep secrets from one another, don't we? We keep the secrets that we must. We shelter the other not just from parts of ourselves, but from parts of themselves. We understand that complete disclosure wouldn't be in anyone's interests.

What happened in childhood, the attachment issues that may have appeared back then, potentially even in the preverbal stage are enduring.  They leave marks on the psyche. It's territory that should be explored only with a well-trained therapist, not a partner, so sometimes one just adapts and makes allowance for, and compromises with a partner, in the overarching interests of what is.

I do believe that an attachment style is able to be adjusted; that is, that one can go from an insecure attachment style to one that is secure. I am testament to that.

I have taken a test a few times to ascertain my attachment style. It focused on asking me questions about my mother, my father and my husband. I came out as having a disorganized attachment style. In one case, I was said to be 'avoidant' with similar questions. But I noticed just yesterday when I was whiling away time awaiting the cooking of the vegetables that the test score revealed I was actually quite close to the category of secure if you took away the result of the attachment to my mother. It was the result of the relationship with my mother that had statistically reduced my overall score.

I suddenly realized how flawed this logic was. Sure, no doubt, I needed to look after myself as a child whilst, of course, wanting to be nurtured, but should that affect my functioning score now? So, I went elsewhere and immediately noticed that there were no questions about my parents - one dead for over 30 years and the other one at death's door - bur rather lots of questions about my thought patterns and daily patterns now. What do you know, I came out as Secure.

This was delightful news and signified buckets of growth. I have been feeling it, especially recently. It comes down to those few words - It is what it is. Acceptance.

It's really important, I believe, to have plenty of empathy for the people with insecure attachment. Sometimes they are obvious in their presentation but often they are not. Even well trained and highly experienced therapists need months if not years to figure them out, so it's not so much a job for us to figure them out, as it is to accept that there is some trauma there. 

Try your best to stay emotionally regulated yourself. Stay calm. Maintain appropriate boundaries for yourself. When you hit their brick (emotional) wall, and you will feel it when you do - recognize you have gone as far into that neck of the woods as you can today and let that expedition go. Only ever do what you can do without there being harm done. 

No matter what defences a person puts up, we are all fundamentally the same in that we all want to get close. Sometimes, people just don't know how. It just doesn't feel safe. You do what you can do. It's all we can do. There's peace in knowing that.

Fear

 Although I do feel into the sense of my body during yoga experiences, I am aware I am not good at visually creating new worlds inside my head. However, if you don't try, you can't improve, and so I tried it this morning whilst I was waking up. 

An image flashed up of a deep forest, that is one tall, relatively thin tree beside another tall, relatively thin tree, there being thousands of such tall and thin trees. I was somewhere in the middle of it. A well-known phrase popped in - can't see the forest for the trees.

I purposefully made myself see some more detail. Not surprisingly for me, I looked for danger. Was there a poisonous snake in a tree, or some four-legged dangerous animal hiding just out of view? I detected nothing. It seemed to be me and the forest, nothing more.

Then, I noticed that the sun was casting light into the forest, almost like a sign, a signpost. I may be thick in the forest and unsure what to do, but the sun was shining; light; hope.

As I think about it now, it reminds me of an experience long ago when I had my first child. Thinking that there would be oodles of free time, I signed myself up for a Graduate Diploma of Education. Whilst the baby slept one afternoon I prepared for a multiple-choice exam on 'Education Psychology', but I suspect I felt unprepared on the day; you know, nervous. (Folks, if you haven't figured it out yet, I'm a nervous Nelly.) 

When I turned the paper over, it looked like gobbledygook. I took a breath and told myself I must remember something from the study and bit by bit I realized that I knew pretty much all the answers. It was like a light coming on, at first dim and then getting brighter and brighter until I could see crystal clear.

That's how it was in the forest; at first totally intimidating, but as my courage grew, I started to form a plan. I started to sense that I had the inward strength to get myself out of this situation safely.

There's another part of me, though, that enjoys a little fear; that inner knowing that I have to push myself out of my comfort zone; to be willing to take more chances.

Now, what might a psychologist say about this? Obvious. Fear of failure. Maybe doubting one's own abilities to deal with the unknown; to face danger square in the eye and say, 'I am not afraid'.

It's an interesting thing that as you sit with a sense of danger, feel into it, the intense discomfort of it in a bodily sense, the feeling starts to dissipate; becomes more distant. You can walk yourself out of the forest, which is what I did.

P.S. I went looking to see if I wrote about fear before and look at this from 2011: Vesta's submission: Fear (vestassubmission.blogspot.com) 

Tapping into wisdom

When change happens, perhaps a cancer diagnosis of one member of a relationship, there will be a wave of emotions. Each person is riding the waves of their own emotions before they can come together to ride the waves together. It is a 'sink or swim' time as each person deals with their own fears.

It was Kubler-Ross who many years ago laid out the five stages of grief. In my earlier days I thought  Kubler-Ross's model of loss applied only to death and dying, but I've come to understand that the model applies to all types of significant grief and loss in one's life; perhaps the loss of good health, or the breakdown of a relationship. There is going to be denial, anger, bargaining, depression and ultimately, acceptance. It's just the way the brain works, it is thought. I have linked to an article here that does a great job of explaining the stages of leaving a toxic relationship and the justifications one can make of remaining in such a union.

Whether it is a diagnosis of ill health or the breakdown of a relationship, or a significant issue of a family member under your care perhaps, the thing is that it didn't just occur overnight. It wasn't just a wrong step here or there but multiple missteps and flawed thinking processes. The question then becomes, 'You are where you are. What are you going to do about it now?'

In the case of cancer, medical science tends to consider the body as a piece of apparatus. The body developed a problem, so let's get rid of the problem; slash and burn. Medical practitioners rarely have time or interest in looking at the reasons why your particular body developed this particular problem, but they do have some ways to assist and that's what they'll offer. It's always worth hearing what they have to offer.

It's interesting though that we know a lot now about how the body responds to stress, to emotions, to good nutrition or the lack thereof, to sleep or a lack of sleep. We also know a lot about hope, and how vital it is for the brain to develop a positive approach in the light of a  serious challenge. This material can make a real difference, potentially a life saving difference, especially when medical practitioners can't necessarily offer a satisfactory solution; when they offer next to no hope.

We are even coming to learn that not all tests ordered by the doctors to diagnose problems are necessarily safe. It happens in every life time that what was thought of as safe is sometimes later determined not to be safe, so it makes sense to have some healthy skepticism. For example, microwaves may not be nearly as safe as we once thought, nor are the dyes in some X-rays necessarily non toxic. We've taken a lot for granted in this modern world and now it's time to start rethinking the game. What is the wrapper around your hamburger actually made of? It's not just one little thing like a wrapper that matters but all the bits of a modern world that we inhabit that may not be good for our health or peace of mind.

Worrying about this won't solve anything but awareness of what we do and how we live will. We need to supersede the denial and the bargaining and so forth with action that matters. If, for example, one is given a cancer diagnosis, the important thing to do first is to stop and process. If it took years and years for your body to get out of whack and for a cancer to form, do you need surgery tomorrow morning?

It's not that I'm saying 'don't trust the medical profession' but rather 'put a little faith in your own body and your own self' to aid in the healing process.

Consider these options or additions to any plan devised:

1) Get rid of all the junk food out of your diet immediately. Eat plenty of colored fruits and vegetables, whole and juiced. Get into vegetarian cooking with plant based proteins such as quinoa in the recipes. Make sure you have plenty of garlic, ginger, pomegranates, and citrus. You'll find endless advice on the Internet about the best foods to heal cancer. Dark green leafy vegetables are wonderful.

2) Reduce the stress in your life. Focus on living your life in the Now and put the issues in your life into perspective. Rather than worrying a matter, see what you can do to take action to make the situation better. For every action there is a reaction. Choose wisely.

3) Meditate every day even if for just a few minutes. Get to know your own mind and what thoughts are trundling through it. Remind yourself you are not your thoughts and go home inside yourself to the peaceful soul that resides inside you. Giving your ego free rein is not going to work. Get in touch with your inner peace.

4) Maintain a positive attitude. Those people that beat cancer are those that believe that they can beat cancer, even visualizing cancer cells being broken down as they go through the healing process.

We've reached a stage where, thankfully, we have stopped dream walking through our own lives and giving the responsibility to other people to do the right thing. We are beginning to take responsibility for our own health, our own behavior and the consequences of foolish decision making.

It feels like we are at the precipice of accepting responsibility for our own behavior in countless ways and calling out those people when something doesn't make sense or doesn't feel right - economically, spiritually, financially, emotionally. We're learning to trust in our own judgment and that's always a good thing. We all have an inner wisdom. We just have to tap into that.

Drilling down

First of all, I want to record that I am happy. There are reasons for this sense of happiness, although I see it more of a 'welling' of happiness, something with its own internal logic and not necessarily related to external factors. But, since I'm trying to be 'aware' of this new felt sense of happiness and how that came to pass, let's drill down.

First thing that comes to mind: I've little pressure in my life at this time, especially today. I'm typing away here at my desk, but I've precious little that really needs to be done. I'll go and explore the world a little once I've tapped away on these keys and have myself a little adventure. Love adventures!

Second thought: In this moment, my whole family seems settled and happy. Gosh, that's a fabulous feeling. My eldest son had his 30th birthday in the past week - a great party, just the way he wanted it - and I got to meet/meet up with all his closest friends.  It's fabulous to see how much he is loved and embraced, especially by his girlfriend's family. It was very good karma at that party and at dinner at home one night this week I could see that he had 'lifted'. He's happy.

My daughter has started her second year of teaching, a job she adores. She and her boyfriend have moved into their first house together. They adore one another; very, very connected. My third child has come right of his shell, sewing some wild oats now, fully immersed in a job he loves and so much more social and responsible; all good things. And, my youngest child, my baby, is doing just fine travelling around other countries with his mate. He's registered at his institution of choice and it's all good for him too - he's maturely fabulously.

Third thought: It's no co-incidence that once the family were fully ensconced in their lives that this automatically made way for my husband and me. We've been...happy...together lately, planning things and doing things and very much on the same page. Knowing I had to be out of the house by 10 am yesterday he woke me with some pampering and then a lovely breakfast on a tray in bed. It felt so...loving and tender. The kiss 'good morning' was sweet. We've watched the tennis most nights whilst partaking in a late dinner and although he's popped into his office to check his screens, it's been fine. It's been very...settled...around here this week in all these ways. My mother seemed much better yesterday and happy I agreed to go to a concert with her next week. This gives her something to look forward to and it makes me happy to make her happy. All these things are good. I love seeing the people in my life happy. That makes me happy.

Fourth thought: Schedules and routines begin next week. February brings with it routine, which I appreciate, but until January is done and dusted I'm loving the lack of routine. I'm sorting through the decade of paper on my desk, going through the storage space downstairs, sorting out and altering spaces. It's 'me and my house' time and I love that. I've a relationship with this house too, just as I do people.

Fifth thought: The 'power exchange' side of things hasn't been nearly so intact and yet it hasn't felt...bad. I've felt rebellious lately which I attribute to several factors, not least of which is the reading I've been doing; important articles that have opened my eyes to issues that may have led me down the path of considerable unhappiness in the past. I've been working privately and internally with confronting my fears, standing up for myself and being assertive, which, on the surface, looks like it doesn't meld well with accepting that I don't have any real control. Inside myself, I know there is progress going on, but I'm not ready to express that in words just yet.

I am pondering, however, if the Crystal Bowls Meditation that I did recently has indeed had an effect on me. I noticed I choked a bit during that meditation and thought that strange since that had never happened before, and was later told that the meditation was attuned to the throat chakra. Since the meditation it has felt that I have had to clear my throat several times and that's most unusual for me as well. The throat chakra is the chakra related to speaking one's truth. Speaking out has to be a bit of a shock for any dominant man used to talking to an agreeable, compliant bimbo who asks few questions about the reasons for and desired outcomes of her tasks, but the thoughts that have been held back are rising up and finding expression. Personally, I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing. I think it opens the door for a closer, stronger connection, but the jury is still out and I'm certainly not the judge in session.

I suppose you could say that bimbo took things waaaaay too far when she had a go at usurping control. I can't imagine what she was thinking (that this behaviour would end well? that she'd actually get away with it? that she wanted to get away with it??) except to say that sometimes bimbo doesn't look that far down the track...

I know this much. When push comes to shove...when all factors are considered...when we reach the bottom line...whether she's right or wrong...whether the grievance is handled in a way that is satisfying to her, or not...she's grateful that the dominance remains intact and that she is shown her place. This outcome is deeply satisfying to such an extent that she can bunker down into consequences. She doesn't have to like the consequences to respect them.

Here's the honest truth: Today (and admittedly probably not tomorrow...and the day after...and so forth) she's loving the freedom; revelling in the fact that she's a bimbo on the loose with a whole afternoon in front of her to frolic freely. Yes, she's taking the credit card with her but promises to be judicious with it. Wonder where bimbo can get a slice of gluten free orange cake...(PS Relax, that was a joke, she didn't go near cake. As if...!)

More challenge

Having been 'offered' a new challenge lately and finding it extremely difficult I was searching around the Internet for inspiration when I found myself wondering if I might have written about challenge before. Indeed I had written about challenge before. I read the words and everything I felt but was finding hard to process and express were in that post. Hmmm. I'm not as dumdum as I thought.

Herd mentality

If you are looking to get married and be married for a lifetime I strongly recommend marrying a partner who is interested in talking to you at depth. Engaging conversation is the mainstay of my marriage. It doesn't matter what topic he opens or I open, we can end up talking for hours and hours. You won't ever find us sitting opposite one another in a restaurant wondering what there is left to say.

This morning I opened up a conversation about a character. It's sad but I'm afraid it is what writer types do. He listened and then he made a 'spot on' remark.

"It's like a marble in a bowl. It will eventually come back to the centre."

"Exactly! This girl is White Anglo Saxon Protestant. She's a good time girl. She wasn't ever going to be able to take a lifetime of melancholia or sacrifice."

"It's not her."

"Yes. That's not her."

"Often, in the early twenties, a young person has to go and experience something else; to be sure who they are, they have to go and experience something wilder than themselves."

"Yes, she did that and realized that the wild side wasn't going to work for a lifetime. She needed safety, familiarity; comfort."

"Well, it's not safe to stray away from the herd. That's when you get eaten."

And, so it went. He expounded his theories about primal instincts, one of his pet topics and I told him that it seemed that more men were wanting to express submission than women, according to my research. That's when he expounded on his theories of there being a scale of femaleness and a scale of maleness and that I just happened to be to the far left of femaleness.

It's true. I am to the far left of centre on the scale of femaleness. I do believe in achievement in life. I believe in making a day count, whatever that means to the individual. However, I have the strongest urge to express my nature; the strongest desire to be aroused and to let my nature unfold; to relax into that state where I am fed upon; where I give of myself freely and where I receive the dominant energy that  allows me to be so unencumbered; so free.

This matters a great deal to me. Without expressing this nature of mine I feel restless and at times ambivalent. Expressing my submissive nature fills me with some sort of feel-good endorphins that allow me to enjoy all facets of life.

And yet, words whisper in my ear regularly enough to give me pause.

You must never tell. You must never tell a soul...

The doll must keep her council if she is to be safe; to express herself in ultimate safety. Trust for her is paramount. She must not stray too far from the herd.  She must always be protected and nurtured. This is the role of the dominant: to keep her safe; to protect her; to ally her fears and allow the doll to thrive.

Fear

One of my greatest pleasures over the past several years since I have explored the power exchange arrangement is that I get to experience fear. Not in my childhood I don't think, at least I don't remember a situation right now, but since I have been an adult I have so enjoyed being a little frightened.

I don't enjoy the sort of fear where I truly fear for my life or safety, of course, but I adore feeling the sort of fear where I get a tickle in my throat and my heart skips a beat; where the world stands still for a moment or two and I realize that I am in one of those moments where the Dominant has pulled me up with a round turn.

I have a love/hate relationship with those moments. On the one hand, I never feel more alive than in such a moment but on the other hand, I know I will pay. Big time.

I try to distract. I beg for forgiveness. I express my sorrow to the extent I can. Fear pulls me over to the side of the ledger where I try to expunge myself from consequences.

If I am not let off the hook, not only do I get to experience fear but I get to experience force. That is, I am forced to push through the fear and experience it completely.

There is no education quite like the lesson of fear pursued in its entirety. The Dom will have his way and I will accept my place of subservience.

What a thrill.

Fear

I want something and I want it right now. I want to be asked a series of questions; badgered with a set of queries that lead me down a drainpipe with no way to ascend.

I want to be interrogated until I let something slip - some small detail that I had never intended to disclose, yet now have no choice but to reveal.

I want to feel the uncertainty and consternation of not knowing what he will say next.

I want the thrill of fear.

I want to experience the exhilaration of knowing that the next step is not mine.

I want to feel the control of the other and to be aware that I have no control at all.

I want to be reminded that I have no will of my own and that my only "choice" is to accept that I have no choice.

I want to dig deep into that dolli state of mind.

Fiendish folly; fearsome fright; fully fortified.

The contents

What does she want?

She wants what he wants her to want. His wants become her wants.

It is not that she didn't have a dirty mind before. Far from it.

But, she didn't know then what she knows now. She might never have known if he had not told her.

She is trapped inside herself now; a plaything.

At his beck and call.

Without choice.

Or, is the doll just responding to the echoes of her own impulses and deep desires?

All she knows for sure is that she just opened that big box, took fright and closed it again.

And yet...

She can't wipe the image of its contents from her mind.

She's caught in his web.

Right where she wants to be.