Love

 This will be short. I don't mention it here too much or in my life generally, with the children or extended family or friends. I guess we are both being stoic, he and I.

However, I am the spouse of a man who has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, and for some reason today I want to say that, to myself.

I want to acknowledge that I may lose, earlier than we ever anticipated, my husband whom I married 43 years ago.

One's brain does everything to save the Self pain and my brain is no different. I can assure myself my husband will beat the odds and be totally healed. It actually is possible.

The facts are thus: I would be devastated to lose him. I have loved him, and he has loved me for nearly 50 years.

I have the rather unenviable ability to imagine the future, of walking into our holiday home, a place he loves, when he is gone, and that moment fills me with intense sadness. 

It makes me realize how very much I love him.

A note to self: to cherish each day.