The Four Questions

 I have circled back several times to the work of Byron Katie. It's such a simple remedy she offers for the thoughts in our heads that often hold us back from experiencing satisfaction with our lives. Although I could see the value in it, my instincts told me to go to other places - more or less, to felt states. It seemed the right place for me since I was acutely aware that I wasn't in touch with my feelings. I printed out a few years ago a list of feelings, trying to get in touch with those states, to identify and be willing to feel them all. I credit yoga and particularly yin yoga with the great results achieved.

To explain, a few times in a typical day I ask myself the question, 'How are you feeling?'. I feel into my body for the answer and accept whatever comes up. For example, my mother is currently in palliative care. She almost passed away last week, but rallied again, and now she is offered her medication but doesn't necessarily take it, and she is offered food but doesn't necessarily eat it. She is made comfortable and left to sleep whenever she wants to. I sit beside her, and sometimes she wakes and we chat, or after a time I quietly leave her be. 

So, I ask myself 'how are you feeling about all this?' I feel that she would say, if she had the mental capacity to sum up her life on what will be her deathbed, 'I have had a great life, filled with love and fun; with dogs and plants and grandchildren. I regret nothing.' So, yes, I feel sad at saying a silent goodbye to her, but I also feel that there is so little life left, I hope that she can soon let go.

I feel some regret for her that even though she is suffering advanced dementia, she knows things. She knows my brother is gone and won't be back. She mumbles about how she can't understand that he is so far away. I feel sorry I can't change this situation for her. I feel aware of my limitations to make life sweet for those I love. I'm aware that she has been inclined to be self-centered and my brother finds that tough. I am aware that I prefer not to focus on the flaws and instead look to see the strengths. She's been remarkably strong, resilient and kind. She's a whole person. She will die as she lived, with an abundance of strengths and weaknesses. She's human.

In this waiting pattern, the never-ending journeys up and down the highway, the understanding I have that I must begin to think ahead to a funeral service, I call on patience and sit in that space of being in between - alive and noting moments of life more intensely. My mother is dying, her dog almost died at the same moment she did last week, and there is a poignancy to the details of a day. Is it the last time I bring in the dog to visit my mother? Is it the last time we exchange a smile? 

I feel particularly dismayed about the Bondi shootings, a place I have gone with my grandson, my son, my husband. How quickly life is expunged with a knife wielding person in the crowd. Our sense of safety as Australians is currently shattered. I acknowledge the sadness. The trick is to acknowledge it all, in order to allow it to move into something else.

This whole journal, at its core, has been about expressing a part of me that is not fully expressed, and can't be fully expressed in my life.  I have experienced a lot of emotions around this - frustration, sadness, anger, disappointment; maybe even some relief that I am being saved from myself. That's a thought that has sat there for decades. I know that if left to my own devices I would slide down the slippery slope of submission, further than it may be healthy to go. I strongly believe that we have a variety of selves inside us. So, there's the part that wants to glide, to not think, and there's the part that loves to think, to research, to ponder, to discuss, and to learn. It just could be that that part needs more expression, not less. I am open to inquiry, to the mystery; the unknown. 

Okay, so here's the thought on which to do The Work as devised by Byron Katie.

'My life is not complete because I cannot wholly express my submissive side.'

Q. 1 Is it true. 

Yes, I believe that to be true.

Q.2 Can you absolutely know it's true?

No. I can't absolutely know it's true. I may not like wholly expressing my submission. Maybe it would be giving up too much of other parts of myself. Maybe I can find completion in some other way. Maybe my life is already complete.

Q. 3 How do you react - what happens - when you believe that thought?

I feel self-pity. I feel stymied. I feel frustrated that I can't get cooperation. I feel closed down and sad.

Q. 4 Who would you be without that thought?

I would be free of unfulfilled expectation. I would be free of 'shoulds'. I would be open, and open to new possibilities. I would be healed. 

Turn the statement around...

My life is complete even though I cannot fully express my submissive side.

I can fully express my submissive side.

My life is complete because I can wholly express my submissive side.

For Byron Katie, the task is to get to the statement, 'I have everything I need here right now.'

Is it possible that making too much of this part of us - and it is just a part - be that submissive or dominant - is actually hiding from clear view...contentedness??

Insomnia

During a disrupted night's sleep I found myself reading and much like a dream, I can't remember what I read or where I read it exactly. However, the thought, which I think I read, has stayed with me. 

As I recall, a research project had suggested that people who use the word 'I' more than most were more inclined to anxiety. In it's simplest form this idea makes sense, since it suggests a preoccupation with oneself; maybe some self-aggrandizement or self-involvement.

If you look at the above two short paragraphs, there are already 7 'I's typed, so there's no doubt this sort of language is like a runaway train, and to some extent unavoidable. 

In my insomniac state the idea held some merit. So too did the work of Dick Schwartz, that our minds are made up of parts, some of which are less than useful to us. The two ideas were somehow blending together. 

Trying to do whatever might work to allow surrender to sleep I tried the idea of referring to myself as 'cindi' rather than 'I'. cindi isn't my birth name but I relate to it more and feel more authentic using that name. 

At my yoga studio I have noticed that there is a trend amongst teachers to suggest one give oneself a hug. It might happen towards the beginning or end of a class and it is a lovely, self-soothing thing to do. I think many modalities of healing are coming to see how important touch is to humans.

Blending these ideas together, I lay on my side with my arms wrapped around me and said to myself, 'it's okay, cindi, you're going to be all right'.

I felt something shift. In the past days, I had allowed myself to be rattled through external environmental factors. My internal state had become distressed. I had, through frustration, made comments that only someone with influence can make. I'm not sought for my opinions at home but rather as a place where ideas can be expressed and sorted through. No more than a word or two is necessary.

Yet a 'part' of me had demanded a voice. It was a part that hated conflict. It said things to my husband like, 'Do you really need this in your life? You're 65! Why can't you just choose joy?' It was a part that was refusing to acknowledge the facts of life; that my husband never wants to leave the arena of business; that this is his version of joy.

That's when I felt myself sinking back into that joyful place inside me. cindi is innately joyful; quiet; at peace. cindi never feels comfortable using 'I'. cindi is completely in tune with that bimbo entity. cindi hasn't a thought in her little head.

And, that's when I fell deeply asleep, awaking again at 10.56 am.

Virtues

 There are various models for explaining the brain. It feels right to me to think of each person as having parts. You might have heard someone say something like, 'There's a part of me that wants to go and there's another part of me that's want to stay home.' 

There are parts of oneself, on any given day, or in any given moment that feels insecure, or jealous, or sad, or delighted, or boisterous; sure of oneself or not sure of anything. It ebbs and flows, emotions move along, almost as if buffeted by unseen forces.

In mid-winter, as it is for me right now, I can feel my spirits rise anytime the white and grey clouds, as heavy as a dozen blankets forcing me down, part. The moment they decide to allow a patch of blue sky to be seen, it's an 'ahhhhhhh' moment for me. Nothing has ever changed the simple fact that I don't feel right under thick, dirty, dense clouds multiple days in a row. There's a good reason why those down South migrate up to Queensland in the winter.

I digress. So, these parts tend to get in the way of a content life. Let's take it for granted, since people have been saying this for thousands of years, that we are all born with a strong sense of Selfhood. You might have heard of it as 'the Self' or the 'Higher Self'. This isn't a part but rather the core of us.  It can't be broken, we are told, which I think is a most comforting thought.

This core of us has a number of noble qualities: compassion, courage, calmness, creativity, curiosity, confidence, clarity and sense of connection.

Logic tells us that when we don't feel we have one or more of these qualities at our disposal, it's a part, a Manager, that is speaking for us; trying to do the right thing by us, for sure, but probably mucking things up.

When I look at the list I feel I have many of these qualities; some in abundance, which is to say, possibly too much of that quality. I have so much compassion, most people think of me as an out of control empath. Some people call it a 'highly sensitive person'. The thing is I can often feel another person, or animal's distress. I can remember the face of a homeless person years after I saw them. I can pass a tree and actually feel a union with it. It takes up a lot of my life to process this quantity and depth of feeling.

I am courageous. I haven't been tested in so many situations, but I have been tested and I know I have courage; growing more all the time. 

I am calm, almost all the time. It wasn't always so, but I am calm. Yes, I can be internally distressed, aware of a swath of feelings, but it would be hard to tell if you saw me.

Creativity seems to be emerging more and more. I can feel more myself when emerged in some form of creativity. I need that.

Curiosity: that was never ever an  issue for me. I am the curious cat. I am curious about everything.

Confidence: now there is an issue there for sure. There's a part of me (note that) that tries to manage the possibility of judgment and failure. I know this. I am starting to talk back a little to that Manager. 'I get that you don't want me hurt, but sometimes I have to at least try. I want to try.'

Clarity: That's a hard one to assess since we all look at the world through our own eyes and have our own perceptions. That said, I feel clear about so much now. I wasn't clear for a long time but I did my research and I get what went down, why it went down. Even from a world view, there's no one force or period of time or leader that led to the state of the world as it is right now. It's the forces of thousands of years and the makeup of the human that led to now.

Connection: This ebbs and flows. I was at a concert yesterday afternoon and there was a line in a song that went something like, 'We are all walking down the track together' along with lots of drum work to accompany the singers, and I felt an intense sense of connection to all mankind; to the business of living life on this planet. And yet, on a moment by moment basis, I can still feel quite alone. I know this is where the work still lies even though I feel so much more connected than I used to.

Maya Angelou, the voice of wisdom without a doubt, spoke of the Virtues. Of all the virtues the most important was courage, since all the other virtues required courage.

Aristotle spoke of 12 virtues: courage, moderation, liberal spending, charisma/style, generosity, ambition, patience, friendliness, honesty, humor and joy, modesty of ego, and sense of justice.

I like Aristotle's list because it encompasses a whole person in a whole life. What point would there be, for example, if one had all the virtues without a sense of humor and joy: wit? And where would someone be without some sense of style or charisma? To be individual, to express the essence of you, and to feel comfortable in your own individual being makes life full and whole.

Someone recently said in a podcast, and unfortunately I can't remember who said it right now, that our society is at risk in not being able to be clear about what is true. For sure, we all own our own truth, but there is Truth too. At our core, we know what's right and wrong.

I think this is why people have been meditating for thousands of years. I really do. In that quiet space, silent and still, there's room for introspection, for reflection, for knowing one Self; for exploring the forces of  a life, good and bad; for inspecting the flow of emotions; for fostering calm and strength; for gratitude and clarity.

It makes sense to accept as a given that there is sadness and loss in every life; not to fight that reality. Seeing that as a given, we can land more fully on happiness, joy, contentment and peace; whenever and however those moments come, we can notice them, give our thanks, and not be perturbed when they leave again.

We are more alike than we know. We are all just walking each other home.

The 'bimbo' Part

 I've been doing some free guided meditations on Insight Timer where Dick Schwartz takes the listener on some experiences connecting in with their Parts. In one meditation we were taken on a walk and encouraged to just go alone if possible, to leave our Parts at the beginning of the trail. If you are watching yourself rather than being on the trail aware of your surroundings, then a Part has come along, so he encouraged us to ask the Part to go back and wait at the entrance of the Trail.

It didn't take me more than a few minutes, even less, to realize that when I am out in nature, or even in the city but have walked long enough in a state of peace, I am alone with my Self. No Parts are with me. How do I know? There isn't any meaningful chatter in my head. I'm not devising To Do lists. I am not immersed in memory or the future. I am in the Now, aware of the trees, the twittering of birds. I am in my body, settled, secure; needing nothing. 

In the best of times, I am completely at peace. When I was in Peru on the trail, or in Telluride walking up to Bear Falls, I experienced this profoundly. It is said that when a meditator experiences pure Awareness, all they want to do is to experience it again. Yes, I have experienced Awareness in meditation, but moreso in Yoga or on trails, or walking through the coastal town I visit, stopping to stare at the ocean at certain vantage points. 

I have also experienced a complete sense of harmony, peace and tranquillity in the 'bimbo' state. Look at the c's of Selfhood - curiosity, creativity, confidence, connection,  compassion, courage, calmness, clarity. All of these qualities have been available to me in the bimbo state.

I wrote myself a diary note this morning. I wrote this:

"I think 'bimbo' is a hurt Part. She felt it was dangerous, could easily be hurt, had been hurt - so she/it became an exile - even though I now see she is a part of the Self - creative, connected, courageous, confident.

She felt rejected, more than once , and retreated - first with a soul destroying sense of loneliness and abandonment...and then the Protector took over - don't let this ever happen to you again.

And yet, 'bimbo' was a Part of feeling confident, a sense of Awareness, happiness, embodied, in the body. And, connected. When the lack of connection happened, she lost trust."

I have tended to think of attachment injuries as those that happen to young children. But, this Part of me suffered an attachment injury and became an exile... carried the beliefs and thoughts that stuck to me, as Dick Schwartz would say, "like a virus". The Protector part was able to convince 'bimbo' that she wasn't a good thing; that she needed to stay small, safe; invisible. 

It's tricky still, in my mind, because bimbo, that sexual part of me that wants to submit and experience that type of Awareness, or maybe I should say sexual Selfhood, is reliant on the Selfhood of a partner. It actually takes two people operating from the Self, the Higher Self, for this to work.

This is a tall order and yet it feels hopeful today. I was definitely onto something.