Sexual disparities

 I have been reading a little on a site for people who are partnered with, and for people who identify as, asexual. There are really sad cases there where someone is married to a person who fulfills them in various ways - intellectually, for example - but does not fulfil them in a sexual way because that person has very little interest in a sexual life. In some cases, the married couple hadn't had sex for many years.

In all the cases I read through on the site, it was the women who were incredibly sad about this situation and the men who felt pressure to have sex. Obviously, this is only anecdotal and not evidence based.

My thoughts about asexuality are only just now formulating as I read on the subject. I used to think that it might be depression that led someone to feel that sex was an undesirable thing. Maybe, it was a body image problem, or anxiety or feeling overloaded or called upon to have sex when maybe they really wanted to explore some other interest; maybe they wanted to cycle or to work longer hours.

I am starting to wonder if just in the same way a person's sexual orientation is to be attracted to the opposite sex or the same sex, or to want to be in a monogamous situation or a polyamory situation, some people may want intense sexual experiences as part of their dynamic and some people would be happy to have sex, say, a couple of times a year.

Maybe, some people are content to have sex utilizing maybe three different positions and some people continue to explore different ways to have sex for a lifetime.

Maybe, quite naturally, some people want to have sex as 'equals' whereas others want to feel in control, whilst others again want to cede control to the other.

In my own case, my sexuality has been constant in terms of my fantasy life and what turns me on. The difference as I grow older is that the thoughts relate to ownership in a wholly comprehensive way. There's precious little I wouldn't do to express the ownership and in return I want to be that cherished and adored 'slave' who gets to feel owned by virtue of the instructions of an 'obedience is required' 'owner'.

There's a great deal of adoration in these scenarios that goes both ways. He's fulfilling my deepest desires, and I am fulfilling his deepest desires. There is symmetry.

That's the point. No matter what comes completely naturally to a person as the way to live, there does need to be symmetry or at the least a willingness to meet in the middle.

Let's say a couple have sex. This, for the man, ticks a 'to do' off his list. For the woman, it's a delicious aperitif, but she is still hungry. The problem arises when he feels they are 'good' for, say, at least a few months.

I have always wondered just a little about polyamory; not such that I would want to live in a combined household or to have a complicated life. But I do wonder if mismatches in desire can be reconciled if there is an understanding between the couple who love one another but who have very different desires for sexual expression, to compromise. What if someone who matched her needs was willing to meet, even once a month? 

Could jealousy be overcome? Could this sort of arrangement be seen as a gift; something far more satisfying than a piece of jewelry could ever be?

I only have the Internet at my disposal, popular culture such as movies to watch, to assess the lay of the land, but I am getting the sense that people are coming to their senses and being grown-ups about these disparities. If you love someone, don't you want them to be happy?