DD versus D/s

 I happened to see on Instagram a post that said, 'These are the three words that saved my marriage' (and it's not I love you'). I was sufficiently curious and went to the link to discover that the three words were 'You do you.'

There's merit to this approach. Maybe especially in the D/s space there's a strong chance you are partnered with someone the opposite of you in so many ways. So, to be understanding, maybe even celebratory about the differences is a good thing. It doesn't take much thought to realize that if you have a submissive bent and your partner does too, that's not the dynamic you're looking for. 

A certain amount of frustration, to put it mildly, is going to ensue about these differences, however, it has to be said. Great to have an understanding of the other's quirks and areas of paramount difference to your own, but not so great when those differences impact your life adversely.

I was on a hunt for something a bit different to roll around in my mind and came across this DD, or is it CDD, site where there was an enormous emphasis on training a wife to be neat and tidy, competent, responsible, to do the household chores. Men were on there, and the wives too, talking about laundry, or not doing the laundry. There was talk about being lazy and forgetting to charge the mobile phone before one went out with the children.

This was like reading about people so different to me, I really couldn't relate. I have always been the one to do all the laundry, even long before we married. No-one, and I mean no-one could ever call me lazy. I am, nearly all the time, in constant motion, doing things and achieving tasks. Honestly, I am the one trying to motivate anyone who might help me to achieve all these goals I have in my head.

There are little things brought to my attention. My children will say I have kept too much of their art projects, but when I try to throw them out, they have second thoughts. My desk doesn't always look like that of an anal retentive, but it's not bad either. I regularly discard what's not needed. I am somewhere between a houseproud person and a tiny bit messy, depending on the day and the time of day. Put it this way. My husband isn't complaining, unless I try to make steps to work on his study which is absolutely his 'den (of too much stuff)'.

So, these DD sites (well one in particular) was both a massive turn on for me and at the same, somewhat ridiculous, in my mind.

These husbands weren't into spanking as a turn on. Not. At. All. This was about training, discipline; results; outcomes. There was talk about a wife being ready to submit to her husband on a moment's whim, regardless of exhaustion and so on, but there was next to no talk about play, per se. This was business. This was the man taking his responsibility seriously, to guide his wayward wife in the right direction by ensuring she had all the necessary corporal discipline to train her to be the best wife.

I had a very brief exchange sort of lately with the hypnotist wherein he mentioned a self-discipline contract. I had to look this up and indeed it's a thing. You decide on your goal, commit to it in writing, sign it, and give yourself some consequences, if you err. He emphasized that he wasn't prescribing this for me and he definitely didn't want me self-punishing. Honestly, I just mulled the whole thing.

The DD blogs suggest to me at least, that a woman, a wife, needs her husband's guidance to ensure that she is suitably disciplined by him such that she is a good wife; that she is not capable of doing this for herself. They suggest that there is a right way to do things, and this right way is known by him, not her. But with the right guidance, he can teach her, instill a bit of fear of doing the wrong thing basically, and Bob's your Uncle, you've got the wife of your dreams.

There's some implication that women are addle headed, incompetent, lazy, that really irks me. I hope you got that long before I wrote that sentence. And I am not saying that this approach, done in a lighter way, wouldn't work with some women. The harshness written about there worked with the women commenting. They rarely complained in an overwhelming way. They had been 'trained' not to complain. If I get a spanking, the result is I feel softer. I don't complain either. There's a bit of mystery around this.

Having said that, I am at peace with a man saying to his wife, a wife that wants a power exchange with her man, 'I don't want you doing things this way, I want you to do them that way.' That way may just be his obsessive compulsive nature showing through, but nonetheless, if a woman wants that dynamic, I think it's perfectly all right to submit to his wants and desires. I say this assuming it is understood that the man and woman are equals (or whatever the make up of the couple), equally capable of running their own lives but don't necessarily want to.

I've been mulling the DD space and the D/s space, thinking about what makes it different and what makes it the same. In D/s and DD the man is expecting, demanding, respect, as in the D/s space, but in DD it feels to me that there is less respect for the woman/wife. In D/s you submit because you want to, because that arouses something deep in your core, your soul. You may have all the degrees, the big career, the prestige, the wealth, not to submit, and yet you do, because it just makes senses to your inner being and to your sexuality. Not once in all the dozens of comments I read by women on that site did even one talk about how aroused it all made her. Maybe she thought it was wrong to admit to it. I simply do not know.

In my own marriage, things were not going well at all at the same time as the hypnotist and I met one another, via his podcast. He assured me he could sort things out. It was sort of hit and miss for a time, but he was right. A lot came right, came back on line, once we both started treating one another respectfully and in a D/s sort of way.

How did that happen? Well, he cleared my husband of a lot of pent up negative emotions. He led me deeper into what we call my slave mentality. He got us having intense sex again. It wasn't DD doctrine but rather making both people responsible for the sexual dynamic. It was very much about me developing boundaries. I didn't see any evidence of the DD wives having boundaries. That's another difference I noted. In one case, a woman wrote in who was clearly being abused, and there was no suggestion for her to start creating boundaries about what she would not tolerate. There was no talk about being two independent people and creating interdependence; none that I could see.

I think too the hypnotist encouraged my husband to give me autonomy, to delegate if you like, tasks to me. This was a log jam for us that needed to be cleared. I am someone who needs to achieve progress. Hold me back and I am going to experience extreme frustration.

I am not here to say that spanking isn't effective, or can be effective, to achieve necessary changes. There's a certain necessary humility in a D/s power exchange that's part of the deal, and a spanking can achieve that humility. I know I feel more myself when I am bossed around, in whatever capacity. If you want to tap into that slave mindset that sits there, like an itch that needs to be scratched, spanking can do it.

But, on this DD website I was reading, it's such a go-to that it seems bordering on something else. I don't know. It just seemed...excessive...brainwashing, and not in a good way.

It's not entirely black and white here. The hypnotist, a long-time player in the M/s space believes passionately that there are far too many 'good guys' and he is not alone. He's not a punisher though, not these days, but rather doesn't reward. He's seen too many broken men to not want to encourage the masculinity of a man and the femininity of a woman.

I argue that submission is a wiring thing. You can bring it out in someone whose submission is latent or unexpressed, but I don't think you can make a woman who has no interest in a power dynamic suddenly become submissive. You can encourage mutual respect, respectful and useful communication models, ways of sorting through conflict. There has to be deep deep trust before you can go further into a marriage structure that encompasses a power exchange.

My fantasy world swims in an intense dynamic and my mind tries it all on; everything. There is a saying: 'Take the best and leave the rest'. I try on intensity; all these harsh spankings for not getting the laundry done, for example, and then I let the thought go. The hypnotist suggested that if I needed to feel the control more, I devise a nonsense rule that made it clear I wanted to feel the power, so to speak. It could be laundry, I guess. It could also be...hmmm...(I've had such trouble figuring something...) not making dinner. THAT would get his attention. I'm not sure I would use it more than once. Maybe not turning down the bed. It's a rule and he would notice if I stopped doing it. I think he'd realize I needed to feel it.

I truly like the idea of containment, of expectations, of feeling into myself in this way, but DD does not sound fun. It doesn't sound fluid, flirty or fun. It doesn't sound like it's loaded with pleasure (a word that I think is a loaded trigger...). By God, though, horses couldn't have dragged me away from reading there for quite a few days.