Dating apps

 A couple of months ago I dated an older man. We had eight dates until, frustrated, I explained that I didn't think we had a romantic future together. He was an extremely polite and respectful person, and on one level I enjoyed his company and conversation, but it was impossible to not notice that his greeting and goodbye kiss was more like a peck. 

I think it was the third date when he asked me if I liked to hold hands and we started doing that. However, it got weird. Not only did he want to hold hands at times when it was comfortable to do so, but pretty much all the time. What this seemed to do was act as a shield against further intimacy. You can't go in for a hug or to wrap yourself around someone on the couch if you are sitting side by side holding hands. I would think in my head about what to do in moments, but nothing felt like it would be generously received. It felt like we were two islands and the mass of water between us would keep us that way.

I was sure that he wasn't sure about me because when I tried to bring up my needs as a woman, to be in the presence of a man who liked to assert control for our mutual benefit, he completely closed down. This was definitely off putting to him. An academic all his life, I think he was living almost entirely in his head. 

It gets worse. His wife had died suddenly 14 years ago, and he was devoted to her memory. She had most certainly achieved sainthood in his mind. After that, he married and that failed and he almost married but lived with another woman, and she left. My nail lady told me to run. It was impossible to compete with a dead wife who had died young.

All well and good. However, he wanted very much to stay friends and at the time it seemed a harmless request. For the last two months, he would wish me good morning and sometimes say something that prompted a little conversation. That seemed fine.

I had met him on a platform where I could see he often went, even when he was dating me, so I recently said 'goodbye' on that platform. He asked why I did that. Well, I explained, we text.

Then, he started to tell me about this new "lady" he was seeing for coffee and gallery dates, like we used to do. And then it felt weird. He was trying to set up a time to see a play together or have lunch as friends and supposedly he would tell me about this new lady and so on.

A little alarm bell went off. I don't mean to downplay all the horrors that are happening to people right now, but I haven't had wonderful things happen in my life lately and I have a responsibility to take care of myself. This friendship wasn't doing me any favours.

I suggested via text that he allowed this new relationship to blossom and that our friendship was secondary to that, but he argued for his continuance. I really didn't want that. I am trying here to do things that are right for me rather than right for someone else. I am trying not to let abundant empathy stand in the way of good sense. I wrestled with the thoughts for at least a minute until I texted, 'Why don't you check in in a couple of weeks?' This, I felt, was better than his reliance on me to interact on a daily basis.

So, what's this all about, I ask myself. He makes me feel weird. He makes me feel like there is something wrong with me that I want intimacy, that I would like to feel some (gentle and not so gentle) control. 

I think I have been on the wrong dating app. If that's your proclivity that app is not where you are going to go looking for a submissive. Yes, I have strong tendencies towards independence but in the hands of a dominant man, that tends to take a back seat. I want that.

Acceptance

 I had a brief but poignant exchange with someone who was recommended to me. He made the comment that if we were to work together for a limited time, the work would center around Acceptance.

I mulled this over several days; one of those statements that confirms my own feelings but brought those feelings more into present moment awareness.

Today, I searched for times in this online journal when I might have written about acceptance, and I see that over the years I have had the thought on my mind a number of times to the extent that I wanted to journal those feelings.

Acceptance, to my mind, isn't about giving up, about giving up hope for something better, but it is about facing the reality of the situation you find yourself confronted with. As much as one might find the phrase 'it is what it is' a bit glib, there's so much truth to it.

I know someone who likes to think he can adjust the natural order of things if he only puts his mind to it. Why suffer with all those levels - anger, sadness, denial and so forth - before you get to acceptance? Why not just jump them all and go straight to Acceptance? Perhaps that's possible, but I don't think it is.

When I was younger, much younger, I had an abundance of positivity. I was convinced I lived in 'the lucky country' (still do) and more personally, I was convinced that I was protected by a 'guardian angel'. In terms of the guardian angel, I think this protected me, at the same time as it did not allow me to see what was right in front of me, which, for a small and vulnerable child, was probably a blessing, and a rather smart thing to believe.

When my husband told me he had been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, I definitely didn't go straight to acceptance. I do wonder if the more invincible someone seems, the least likely one is to accept such a thing. In the months that followed I was sometimes sad, sometimes angry, sometimes disbelieving. Like, are you sure they know what they are talking about?  I didn't so much disbelieve what I was told as I figured we'd solve it, like we solve everything. 

The mind can be mad, and I remember saying to him one day, 'I can't believe you are even considering leaving me with all this mess to clean up. Where will I even start?' It was a poor me thing, a cry for help, disbelief, overwhelm, and a call to action.

It's several months later since that day, and I find respite in similar ways to those I began to use many years ago now. I meditate in a way, in a space and place where 'the problem never existed in the first place'; complete lack of ego; complete nothingness; no mind.

I explain it to my husband in the hope he will join me in this space, but he repeatedly says that he is too stressed with too much to do to take the time. I say, but it in those times that you must visit that space. Your mind and body need a break.

There's a huge benefit to getting to acceptance of a situation as fast as humanly possible. It avoids a great deal of personal pain, for starters. It's an acknowledgement that you are part of the human experience, and that suffering comes to us all. You're not special after all, there is no guardian angel and bad stuff happens to good people.

Once you hit acceptance - this really is happening - then you can see ahead of you all sort of things to assist the situation; ways to make things better. You can dig deep to polish up your empathy skills, and you find ways to nurture yourself, to accept that this is hard and you need to take care of yourself too, so you are there for your loved ones. Always put on your own oxygen mask first.

I follow a few very special people around the world who fuel me with their wisdom and kindness. High on the list is Henry Shukman and I offer you here, to those who might benefit from his beautiful heart, the  final words of his poem, Resistance:

'...do nothing, be still,

stay just where we are,

sit right here,

on the very fence,

exactly on the blade

of reluctance itself,

just here, where we least

want to be, where it seems

it must hurt the most.

But it's here that the blade

already knows

what it needs to do.

And if we could just let it, then finally it could do

what it was always meant to.

And we would fall open,

until there's nothing left

in the middle

except a silent space

which everything is free to fill,

and the whole world can pour

into that one blessed gap.'

Conversation

I had the sweetness of spending time with my youngest son last night. We went to see 'The Post' which we both enjoyed and then onto a Malaysian restaurant to eat dumplings and other delicious food. Usually we talk non stop after a movie about the movie. As someone not well versed with the story and the characters he was more focused on the technicalities of how they told the story and after that we moved onto other topics.

Our conversation tended to traverse areas of personality, since he has recently returned from Cambodia. When he first came home his comments related to the local people and how happy they were with their simple lives. As time has gone on he has tended to ponder the behavior of the other female students there who had a tendency to be hard on one another and especially judgmental of another male student who confided in my son that he has Aspbergers.

This boy and my son were room mates, sharing a hut to themselves. My son told me of a funny moment. At the airport on the way home he confessed to the boy that when he said he was going up on the roof to look at the stars, really he was going up there to get a break from him. The boy said, quite seriously, 'I enjoyed it when you went up there too.' Of course, I laughed, because isn't that the truth!? Too much of anyone and we find something that we have forgotten to do and take off for a while.

I've been revisiting material lately about the qualities of an 'empath' and ways to protect oneself. It seems that I had this somewhat covered as a young person according to my instincts.

When I was a college student my father gave me a little Mazda. It wasn't the fanciest of cars nor particularly stylish but I adored my first car for the simple reason that it allowed me a safety hatch. I was telling my son about those times over dinner. My husband always felt obliged during term breaks to return to the farm for the entirety of the time. He was always a very loyal son and he felt the weight of this expectation.

As his girlfriend if I wanted to spend some little time with him I needed to drive myself up there, and of course, the expectation would be that I'd stay for a week, or longer. But, a week is a very long time for an empath in an environment where everybody speaks loudly, and more loudly again to get over the loud people competing for space. So often I'd yawn in the evenings and explain that the country air made me very sleepy and I thought I'd go off to bed. It wasn't that I was so terribly tired but rather that the noise created was too much.

After five or so days I'd explain that I needed to go home and attempts would be made to convince me to stay longer. I'd explain how much I'd love to do that but I had shifts at my casual job and simply had to return. The drive home alone was always sweet and I'd stop off in some little town and buy jam or have a cup of tea. Sometimes I'd be brave and try a new route home. I've always loved these little solo adventures. To this day I love to drive alone in the country, often with just my own thoughts, or even mindlessly.

To return to Mike, the boy with Aspbergers, my son explained that he finds it hard to understand why people can't just accept people as they are. I guess it is bragging but I have to tell you that I have the most amazing son. He actually converses with me about psychology and philosophy. I can't say this to anyone else or they would think I was nuts but I told him about my feelings about trees.

So, when one goes out to the park you could just go walking and not notice the trees too much. But, I've always felt that they have personalities and that I can feel it. Some trees grow so straight and tall, majestic and proud. Some trees look as if they haven't had the most tender loving care when young, or some event occurred to interfere with their development. Maybe they tend towards one side or develop unusual characteristics. But, certainly in a park setting or out in nature we tend not to be too harsh with the tree. We accept the tree. We can do this with trees but we tend to be much more judgmental of people.  We need to think about people more like trees.

My thoughts are jumping about, I know, but this week I was working with a young boy. The idea was that he would read to me a story about fairies in which he had become immersed, but I notice that when a young person gets my one on one attention they just have to share their life with me. So, he told me all about his family, that he was an only child and a detailed story about the twins his mother was expecting ensued. When I delved further, something didn't feel right and I made a mental note of that.

It wasn't until I was driving home in the car that I remembered that he said, 'My Mum and Dad aren't married. When they get married they will have them.' This came after his explanation that the twins arrival was indeed imminent. His mother wasn't expecting twins at all, but he'd conjured the twins, just as my first son conjured two imaginary friends when he was about three years old who we took everywhere. The story Mike told me was a result of his loneliness and his feeling that he wasn't like the other kids somehow.

I see this morning that there is an article, in the New Yorker I think, with the subject matter of how the United States government has failed to keep their children safe. This is undoubtedly true. My youngest son knows that we are traveling soon to the States and he was very serious when he said to me to keep my wits about me there. This made me feel very sad, that the time had come when we felt fear about traveling to the United States of America.

The United States is my second home although I have been away for a long time. I raised three of my children there. I gave birth to two of them there and another was conceived there. It seems that the young man who shot into the crowd of students, killing 17 of them I believe, was regularly carrying guns at school before he was expelled. How is this in any human beings mind acceptable behavior?

Sadly, this young man desperately needed help and tragically young lives were stolen when he didn't get the help he needed. What could possibly have been more important than seeing to it, by his parents and educators, that he got the assistance he needed to be at ease within himself such that the carnage was avoided?

When watching the movie last night it went through my mind several times, 'Oh, we've lost something.' Investigative journalism that serves the people  seems not to matter so much any more. Maybe not enough people are willing to take the time it takes to read the long story teaming with facts. That's the way I learned about Watergate and it felt right, that a wrong had been righted through careful dissemination of the truth.

Guns are lethal weapons, best not handled by those who are in a delicate frame of mind. No child should be able to access a gun. Maybe if someone had bothered to converse with this boy about matters that were on his mind as he grew up we wouldn't be having this particular conversation.

Empathy

I was born with an extra dose of empathy for the plight of others. Of this, I am certain. My early life was lived out among the downtrodden. Whether they saw themselves as such I cannot know, but I felt their emotional pain. It was incredibly difficult to live with it, hour by hour and day by day, but I had no choice in the matter.

I suspect that I was seen quite simply as a shy child, an introvert. There's truth to that. Whenever I could I stayed in my room, surrounded by books. When I did venture out of my room, except of course to go to school, I went to ballet lessons and piano lessons. My body was more nimble than my fingers and it is dancing that became my true love.

If you think about it for a moment, these are fairly solitary activities. Of course, ballets have many participants but in your body it is just you dancing in sync with others. At the piano, or any instrument, you must delve into your inner life if you are to play well.

I know this not from experiencing it, since I was not a talented piano player. I know it because when my daughter was playing her flute, which she did very well, I sat in a few times as a musicologist took her through pieces of music in intricate detail, perhaps alerting her to a string of notes relating to a caged bird. It was then that I realized that music was so much more than the notes played well. Music comes from the soul and instruments must be played with the soul.

Back to the discomfort of living with those in emotional distress. Each night when I went to the kitchen for my dinner, a dinner not prepared by or eaten with my parents, I had to pass by people, men and women who were drowning their sorrows in beer. I felt that sorrow. I'd feel it like I was feeling sorrow myself and this was very difficult. Obviously, a child does only what one can do, and thus I built a defensive wall that would keep out the sorrow as much as possible. I tried not to look. I smiled and said hello in as disengaged a manner as possible.

The day came when my family was moving on. The establishment was closed. The door bell rang and I must have gone to the door to answer it. Standing there, tall, sad looking and carrying a satchel was a patron I recognized. I told him I would fetch my mother. I returned to the door with her and I heard him give her his best wishes. He wanted to thank her for her kindness over the years.He said that he would miss us and being able to frequent the business daily. I felt his pain. I felt his loss. I still do.

This capacity to feel other people's emotions can make crowds very difficult, going to school to volunteer very difficult. It can make making the right decisions in life very difficult. I have far too much empathy. It is my heart and not my head that wins. A psychologist would definitely identify this as a problem. The heart and head don't have to operate in a 50/50 way, but too far in either direction is a problem. I know this.

Every now and again, I find myself actually saying out loud to myself words like, 'This is a test. This must be a test.' I say this because my empathy fails me in the moment and I wonder if this is some sort of fault in the empathic system. If I have such a healthy dose of it, why can't I feel anything? Why has my empathic system, my heart, shut down?

Lately, I have been very very quiet. January in Australia is slow anyway but I have done little more than read and write, walk, yoga lessons, cook, meditate and breathe deeply. I water the garden and indoor pot plants. I sometimes nap. I do the laundry and such. But, it's the smallest of lives, deliberately small for now

It's like I am saving energy for listening and noting. It is like I am being observant to hear the beating heart, my beating heart. It's some sort of shift which I am not truly aware of in the mind space. I do wonder if this soul of mine, a timeless soul, dwelling within this particular body form, is insisting that I take this time to listen to my own heart; to tend to my own heart.

Who grows and who does not?

If you're telling a story it is part of the deal that your protagonist is going to experience challenge and in the end some, if only very small, growth or transformation. We change from moment to moment, never quite the same on one day than another. So, it's expected that our characters don't stay stagnant, since nobody really does (or do they?), especially if they face hurdles. Hurdles in life almost demand that we confront the challenges and learn something from them. If we don't learn, then the challenges will come back at us until we do. Some people believe that we live multiple lives until we learn our lessons. Some people say that the soul can never be perfect, no matter how far we strive. This does not stop some people from trying, the polar opposite of the person who sees no reason at all to change.

I am not talking about perfection. I am talking about growth. It might be learning to get outside your own head and think of others, walking in their shoes. That's a pretty big lesson for some people; monumental. If, at the end of the novel the protagonist leans into the possibility of walking in another person's shoes, or of recognizing the pain to others that they have caused, or of making the admittedly enormous effort of living a life that takes into account those that they live with, that would be enough, in my book. I'm not an action writer. I'm fascinated by incremental, almost imperceptible change.

Remember when Richard Kimble said, 'I didn't do it', and Deputy Gerard replied, 'I don't care'? We note that. We note also the moment when it finally dawns on Gerard that Kimble is telling the truth. He bent. He stretched. He moved away from his rigid position and he entertained the possibility that he was wrong. I think that is why 'The Fugitive' was so successful. We saw this wonderful transformation of a rather rigid, pain in the ass man.

Now, read this advice to a person who is the kindly partner of a person with a personality disorder:

"You can't control what s/he thinks about you, how s/he acts or says or wants. Stop trying to change the N/B (narcissist/borderline). You can ONLY control YOURSELF. Also, stop trying to make the N/B feel better. You cannot do anything to make them feel better. It can't be done."

IT CAN'T BE DONE. Preordained, yes? Not much chance of a story line there.

So, what about the kindly partner? Can she transform in some way? There are many possibilities here, endless possibilities, and yet...it's so predictable. Of course she can transform. She has been morphing on a daily basis in the interests of everyone else. Hmmm, perhaps she puts herself first, finally? And yet, I'm such a fan of the Deputy Gerard transformation just because all along it seemed so implausible; so unlikely.

Surely, surely there is some way these dark characters can see the light.

"The good doctors" are demonstrating that awareness is possible; transformation, not so much. That sucks. Then again, they made a series of movies about Hannibal Lector, didn't they? All is not lost as far as a story arc goes, so long as you enjoy the permanently dark character. Personally, I'm not a big fan.

Macro and micro decisions

The big, wide world doesn't factor into my writing in this web journal hardly at all. However, it is nearly impossible to ignore the world stage at this time which seems to be in more flux than ever (which isn't true, of course, but it can seem that way when big changes happen overnight). England has left the EU and that has caused great disruption on the world stage. As well, there's an unabating movement of people around the world now, something that was necessary for the safety of hundreds of thousands of people. Sovereignty is a thought in people's minds. Even here in Australia, well removed from centre stage, it might well be the case that England's removal from the EU may mean that we will become a Republic sooner than later. The American elections are also a worry. Did we ever think that a candidate for President would ever make such hateful comments?

At school, I loved my history. In my final year of school I studied the French Revolution. It seemed obvious to me that if you ignored the needs of enough of the people for enough time, they'd revolt. In my US days I remember hearing a dinner guest expound a similar, rather commonsense theory really, that you should always take care of the people lest they get angry and turn their anger on you. If no other reason stirs you, then there's the case of self-interest.

We're all people, made of the same flesh and blood, but in a democratic system, some people are going to accrue a lot more than others, and achieve a lot more than others. It is the way it is, the way it has always been and will always be.  But, we all deserve to be free, safe and to pursue happiness. The Founding Fathers of America did a great service in expressing these ideals.

It is why we hold a former Prime Minister of my country in great esteem, Gough Whitlam, because he made higher education free. I'm a 'baby boomer', a product of that free education, and so are thousands of people like me. We're also very attached to the notion of 'Medicare' here; that all Australians have medical coverage via a small levy on our income. This provides Australians with a level of respect; that they all count.

Recently, in the midst of all this changing of the deck chairs on the world stage, I was in Tasmania. You can't get much further away than that, unless you want to go to Antarctica. It's such a beautiful place, a time warp too, and it did go through my mind, as it always does when I am there, that it would be a lovely place to have a cottage.

As I walked along I found myself wondering why I wanted that. Well, it would be a simple, little life in a cottage in Hobart; space, lots of walking, close to the country; fresh air, cooler summers; access to plentiful fresh food and being surrounded by fairly chilled out people. It would be safe and there would be enough culture and people engaged in creative pursuits that I wouldn't feel alone, and in fact would have plenty of people around me that I'd enjoy.

Employment wouldn't be so easy, but my cost of living would be low, and maybe I could get busy and write something that might make me a little money. Anyway, the selling of assets here would give me enough to live on. I've devoted my life to family, not a career, and that was a choice. Money initially was, but is no longer, my thing. I'm more than aware that to bring up and educate a large family you need to focus on money for a lengthy period of time.

Right now, I'm influenced by having read 'Tuesdays with Morrie' by Mitch Albom. I finished it on the plane coming home and was in tears. It's such a sad but heartwarming story. Morrie, a professor at an American college for over 30 years is dying of Lou Gehrig's disease and his old student Mitch comes to learn about life from his professor once again. He visits him regularly, on Tuesdays.

Morrie always encouraged his students to create their own culture, to reject what it was about culture that doesn't work, or doesn't work for them. He lived humbly, but he was surrounded by the books that he loved, by the family he loved and who loved him. He'd developed a faith that took account of the philosophers. He encouraged Mitch to go to the heart of all his emotions, good and bad, but then to let the emotions go. He accepted his fate, but he refused to stop living until he took his last breath.

Born into poverty in the Bronx, but blessed with a step-mother who told him that education was the way out of poverty (yes!), he worked hard and made a good life for himself and his family. He encouraged Mitch to put love first, ("love or perish") and to be involved in his community. He imparted a common sense approach to a good life. It's a quick read, but it is one of the most important reads of my life.

I was living in the US in the early 80s when Donald Trump came to my attention. I remember Ivana Trump telling a reporter that first you make the money, and then you work on attaining power. I tucked her comment behind my ear and wasn't surprised when Donald chose to run for President of the United States decades later. I can only imagine that many people in the US feel disenfranchised; disenfranchised enough in a changing world that they think he, rather than your mainstream politician, has the answers for them.

Realistically, I doubt you can turn back the clock on an era where the world is more fluid in every way. I doubt that there is any one person capable of doing this. The strictures that were in society - sexual, gender, class, race - are all being broken down over many years. Change is afoot and this can evoke fear. Trump works with 'fear'. This fact alone concerns me.

I think that for many of us change is a very scary thing, but if you take the long term view, the world has always been changing, often very slowly and imperceptibly moving towards big changes. I think we'd do well to be less anxious; to see what is common amongst us rather than focus on what is different. I think we'd do well to take a breath and settle down.

A few afternoons ago, I was driving in traffic and stopped behind a tram who was letting passengers off. A parked car beside me started tooting his horn, which seemed odd, but I assumed he wanted to join the traffic (it was dark and I couldn't make out the driver) and so as soon as I had a chance I moved forward and to the side of the tram. That is, I made way for him to enter the traffic. Unfortunately, the car behind me decided he wasn't going to co-operate and I heard a loud bang and saw in my rear vision mirror that they had collided and were now holding up all the traffic behind them.

For what good purpose did that accident happen? Was it so much of an issue to allow the man out into the traffic? Would it have taken up a split second of the time of the driver behind me? Not at all. Morrie encouraged Mitch to let drivers in; that when they honked their horn angrily to simply raise his hand and wave. I do that. I wave my thanks when given a break in traffic and hope I spread the joy. As philosophies go, even political philosophies, you could do worse than aim to spread joy; to show some heart. There's an idea.

(P.S. Having published the above, I just so happened to read this. You won't spend five minutes better.)

Empathy shouldn't lead to stress

I discovered a blog per chance recently, written by an intelligent, clear-headed American male who is sexually dominant. He calls it BDSM: Things You Need to Know and over the past couple of weeks reading there I have enjoyed it immensely. Unfortunately, he hasn't updated the blog in the past several months, although he does respond still to the odd comment left for him. I'm hoping he'll come back to writing there because it is most insightful reading.

In response to one of his posts a commenter made the point that she experienced anxiety when her dom was "upset" and Will responded to it as follows:

'Hi Jennifer, your anxious response to his "upset" state of mind could be due to your natural empathy, or previous experience (in childhood or adulthood) of someone close to you not dealing well with their own burdens, or an unrealistic sense of duty towards your partner. Asking yourself "what is the origin of this anxiety; what do I fear might happen" whenever it occurs might help you get clarity on that.

How he feels and behaves is of course his responsibility, and although you can lift him by your devotion, you cannot shift that obligation from him. Empathy is beneficial in that it gives you insight into his feelings without him having to describe them. But not to the point of stress on your part — you need to remain at peace in order to be completely present for both of you. As for latent fears you might have, see Assuaging a Sub's Fear of Abandonment.'

Will's comments resonated with me for a couple of reasons. First of all, I can most certainly experience an anxious response to an authority figure being upset. Whether it was a boss from the past, or my husband or my mentor, I've been anxious when I have displeased any one of them.

Will responded to Jennifer that her feelings of upset could be her natural empathy and this is certainly the case with me. I can very easily put myself in the shoes of another person and feel their anger, or their pain, or their distress or their 'upset'. I absorb this upset and it becomes my own distress. This came up in the therapy I had a few years ago, my tendency to hold onto someones distress, and I was encouraged to give back that upset to the person who owned it. It wasn't mine to take, she said. Yet, it's one thing to say something like that and another thing to make such a huge change in one's thinking. I remain profoundly empathic.

Will also suggests that Jennifer may feel an unrealistic sense of duty towards her partner and I do that too. When I feel bound to someone in some way my sense of duty towards them, to make them happy, and happy with me, is notable. It is something of a crusade for me, to see it as my responsibility to keep the peace and to be pleasing. To not be pleasing to such a person is to fill me up with an uncomfortable level of guilt. I'm really quite eager to take the blame and to analyze how I may have done wrong, regardless of their own personality traits that may make it difficult to always be pleasing in the first place. I tend to nearly always feel that I could have done better and to see it as my responsibility to please.

The really huge statement that Will made in my opinion is that empathy is useful, but not to the point of causing distress, because it works best if a submissive is at peace and present for both of them. As someone who has traversed the road seeking consistent peace of mind it made complete sense that my anxiety was in fact a lose:lose situation. My goal going forward was clear: to limit or even eliminate anxiety in terms of taking on other's people's distress and calling it my own.

When you've lived with someone for decades, known them since they entered University, you get to understand that people are fundamentally 'cooked' at any early age. Yes, people can change if they are motivated to do so, but a great deal doesn't change. My husband, for example, needs to express his distress and he usually needs to express it to me. This has been a constant for over 35 years.  In general, once he has blown off enough steam, he gets over what it was that distressed him, but in the meantime I am in a position where I must listen to the distress, acknowledge it, sometimes over and over, but not allow it to lodge inside my body or my mind. So, I demonstrate my usual levels of empathy, hold onto any opinions that wouldn't be helpful in such a situation, and I endeavor to distance myself from the anxiety such that I don't own it or accept it as my own anxiety. This is the theory, not always obtainable in practice usually because I am pushed to my elastic limit over time.

In terms of a power exchange dynamic things don't always go perfectly in spite of the best laid plans. In the rush towards Christmas, for example, I didn't take the time to fully understand a directive and I did it wrong. This was very far from my intention and no-one could have been harder on me than I was on myself. We're all human, doms and subs alike, and disappointment can tend to sit like an unwelcome visitor, making everyone uncomfortable.

Will asks Jennifer to consider what is the origin of her anxiety. I asked a similar question of myself and find it very hard to answer. I think my anxiety stems from finding myself in a situation where I have displeased and not being sure what to do about it. I think it is the uncertainty that is so anxiety-ridden for me, because if I was told to repeat the exercise properly, I'd do it and the anxiety would simply melt away. It's the 'I'm not sure what you want me to do now' feeling that makes for such anxiety, almost as if holding me in an anxious state is the punishment and the way I am meant to learn. Certainly an anxiety-ridden state means that I'll do everything humanly possible to avoid landing myself in that state again, but it also means I'm operating on the basis of fear, and I'm not sure this is a good thing, for me or for anybody. Whether fear is intended is something it is impossible for me to judge, but I know I do feel fear, fear of having displeased and what that means to my inner landscape.

Even as I felt uncomfortable about it, quite foolish for making such a silly mistake, I was trying hard to not absorb the negative feelings. It was my mistake, absolutely, but it was just that, a mistake. Should I allow the mistake or the negative vibes I felt were coming my way to interfere with my effectiveness such that other people would be disappointed in my performance, or that my state of mind would be compromised such that I didn't enjoy Christmas?

It was in these moments of conscious decision making about my response to the unhappy situation  that I decided it was time that I recognize that my empathy could not be allowed to spill over into distress. The mistake had happened in spite of my best intentions. I'd made my apology, was not in a position to rectify the situation to satisfy immediately and thus must recognize that there was no value in going over it in my mind, in distressing myself. I was choosing not be distressed.

Maybe this doesn't sound like a big deal. For people without a particularly empathic soul I don't think it is a big deal. However, for a deeply empathic soul, one who gets off and finds peace in being pleasing, it's huge. The message I have taken from Will's blog, one of the many messages there, is that a submissive's job is to be present. The dominant may say something out of turn (dominants tend to be full of themselves, let's face it, and hence blurt out something that is upsetting to hear), but it's helpful if this doesn't trigger a submissive too often, that's she resilient and cognisant of the fact that his distress isn't hers; that being submissive doesn't extend to owning and wearing his emotions.

In the same way, Will (and I'm still thinking about this) doesn't wear his submissive's emotions and makes the point that to get too involved in her emotions is to make it difficult to control her. In essence, the message is that we are both responsible for owning and controlling our own emotions; very grown up stuff indeed.

Desire

When we desire something a great deal, and then one day that desire is met, what happens? Well, then there is no more desire for a time and we experience feelings of well being, joy and peace. Lack of desire brings us a sense of fulfillment, until the next round of desire takes place and we repeat the process all over again.

With that in mind it occurred to me over the past day or so that if I were to give up my desires, perhaps that would have a positive effect.

The moment I hit on this idea it had a calming effect on me. Rather than pine that my desire could not be fulfilled, I could stop desiring and feel whole. Instead of living my life as if something were missing, I could embrace my life as it is right now.

I think it is a confusing notion in ways - the lack of desire bringing peace - because it is desire that spurs us on. We can't get a degree, or clean a house, or improve a relationship without a desire to do so. People tend to do well in areas that turn them on; in aspects of life in which they desire to do well.

Perhaps desire is not constructive when the desire has too much fire, such that the desire is destructive to achieving the goal. Desires do require patience; nurturing.

Thus, while I continue to desire a relationship with my husband that has a power exchange dynamic that is expressed sexually and with an understanding of spiritual connection via that sexuality and control, right now the right thing appears to be to let go of that desire and just enjoy what we have right now.

Instead of seeing it as 'not enough', as I have been inclined to do, but embracing it for what it is and all its strengths, perhaps the way is cleared for positive progress for later on.

One of the issues for people who have been together for a very long time is that they are so attached to one another that distress in one spouse leads the other to feel estranged. No one likes to feel that they are not making the other happy and that feeling leads to distance.

In my experience there needs to be a softening of the heart towards one another - a move, or even several moves towards one another - that clears the way ahead for much greater intimacy, in whatever form that takes.

There is no denying that intimacy between us that takes a certain shape is incredibly uplifting for me. Once I experience it that way, the desire is removed and that means all that is left is peace. I'm uplifted and very happy. There is no thought that can replace this thought because for me it is a very natural reaction to the sort of intimacy where I feel that I what I desire has been granted.

However, wanting something can be emotionally painful because we can feel that we are being denied. Yet, in essence the thought of 'desire' or 'want' is really just like any other thought - a thought that passes through our minds, that comes and goes.

If we get stuck on that thought - obsess about it - we are causing internal and external distress. We are removing the opportunity to be the awareness of our thoughts; to be aware that we are the blank piece of white paper over which there comes all kinds of writing. Peace can be ours when we return in our minds to that thought - that the peace resides in us.

Some people may say that I am denying what is clear - that I operate best with a submissive stance and with dominance presence. I am certainly not denying that fact.

However, pining for what I don't currently have much of is to relegate what I do have to the slush pool, and it has much more worth than that.

In any case, to remove the need for dominance in my life and the opportunities for peace that dominance brings is to remove the limit of the need.

By removing the limit of the need, by embracing what my life as it currently presents itself is, I'm opening myself up to new expressions of intimacy. I think I'm also opening myself to more expression of the intimacy that I have found so consoling and uplifting in the past.

In order to experience the delights of dominance one must first show comfort and ease  in a submissive role. One needs to put aside desire that makes one edgy and inclined to withdraw. To those with a dominant disposition, even a dominant disposition that is not currently being overtly expressed, anything else is confusing and alienating.

One needs to make one's peace with the circumstances as they have played out. Empathy is required; a commitment to find intimacy in some other way, for now. As my husband likes to say, "You can't fuck a porcupine."

Conflict

Whilst most people who read this web journal are absorbed in the Super Bowl, and I hope it is a fun game to watch, over here we are beginning the new school year. It's the last year that I'll be directly involved in education, since my last child is beginning his last year of high school.

At the school he attends, they set summer holiday work. The VCE (the final year of school) goes by with such a whooosh, and assessment begins so early, that teachers feel compelled to set work to get the students ready from day 1 to begin to discuss very complex topics. This year, in English, the theme is 'encountering conflict' and that led him to read books such as Megan Stack's 'Every Man in the Village is a Liar' wherein the reporter describes what she saw in the Middle East, particularly through 'the war on terrorism' era.

I think it is quite a confronting topic and, in any case, my son likes to discuss novels and books with me verbally, to toss around ideas, before he goes off to write his persuasive essays, or whatever the task. So, we discussed conflict in its various forms, between and within people and how conflict is a bit like a pebble thrown in a stream. One suicide bomber tends to lead to the next and in no time hundreds or even thousands of people are infected with the repercussions of hateful conflict. Conflict has grown like a cancer to infect a whole nation(s).

As it happened, we had drinks with a gentleman yesterday who works mostly in Asia, India and the Middle East and he confirmed two of our ideas - that those countries tormented with civil war were the most persistently ravaged and that, in the main, these countries were about 50 years behind us. They would, eventually, live lives something vaguely like ours. Road safety, as one example, was virtually non-existent right now in their thinking, but it was just beginning to enter their consciousness.

My son and I needed to throw around ideas about conflict and how that impacted on our principles and morals; our values. When Fowler, an English reporter in Vietnam (in 'The Quiet American') comes across a river of dead bodies that reminded him of an Irish stew with too much meat (that's a simile you don't easily forget) he, like all the soldiers with him, looked and then immediately looked away. This was one of the many examples in the readings where people had been going about their lives  and were so randomly and instantly snuffed out. In the Vietnamese jungle every man there was reminded of their mortality; that this minute could, possibly, be their last and confronted by that knowledge, they turned away. I referred to it as the senses being overwhelmed. There is only so much a human mind can take in at any given moment, I think.

Since it is the first day of school this morning I was doing tasks that I always do on this day - tidying up the house and basking in the pleasure of time all alone to myself. I had my feet up on the desk and a coffee cup in my hand. I'd heard a short time before on the radio that I keep in the laundry of the death of Philip Seymour Hoffman and lamented the loss of such a great talent. He was clearly a vulnerable soul and I guess life got too much. It's terribly sad news.

I am not inclined to read the newspaper daily even though it is delivered to our door, but this morning being a relaxed one I read it and was horrified to read of senseless conflict and violence - a nineteen year old boy stabbed by a group of boys known to him as he walked down the street in the north of this city, who is now in hospital fighting for his life and not expected to fully recover.

I was beginning to wonder if reading the newspaper was the best thing when I heard a noise on the lap top beside me registering the arrival of some emails. There was an email from the Headmaster to all parents and I noted the first words. "This morning in assembly I broke the saddest of news to the boys." I felt goosebumps over my entire body and rushed to open it. A Year 11 boy, with his whole life ahead of him had taken his life last night.

Of course, I thought of his devastated family. It's not the first time this has happened and I've seen people's lives destroyed in this way; whole families. I also thought of my son sitting in that esteemed hall, filled with excitement of the year ahead listening to that announcement and having to face the fact that none of us are insulated from conflict and violence. Alongside his quirky, delightfully humorous but earnest and 'strong desire to succeed' personality he must wear the knowledge that some of his coherts are in extraordinary pain.

Over the summer I've noticed he has been receiving and sending long text messages and I asked if they were mostly from his girl. It was then that he explained to me that a boy he met at a drama group of old texted him for a kind ear when life got too much; when he didn't know what to do next. My son had been doing his best to advise him and keep him whole through this turbulent time of his life. He's the 'somebody' that cared and he had to respond, he told me.

I've come to the conclusion that we don't really have a choice but to acknowledge life as it presents itself and to accept that we are surrounded by conflict. It isn't going to go away. It is out there. It will touch all our lives in some way.

I think this 'fact' is what makes it so important to also embrace life - to celebrate it every chance we get. Power exchange as I know it allows time to let go of the thinking (troubled) brain and give the mind a rest from this onslaught of continuous news concerning conflict and violence. Ours minds must rest. Our hearts need to focus on goodness, peace and love because there is much of that in this world as well. It is everywhere.

However, someone close to me, a young man training to be a policeman, told me recently that the vast majority of call outs for police here relate to domestic violence.  That's frightening. So many people are in so much conflict that they need to call a third party to ensure safety. You don't necessarily need to leave your house to encounter conflict and violence.

Kindness. Empathy. Love. Acceptance. Are they teaching this in all schools just as they do maths and science? They should. I hope one day that meditation sessions will be part of every child's school day much like the first Buddhist School in this State that I read about recently. They easily incorporate a group meditation into every morning as their ritual.  I am not so naive as to suggest violent conflict will cease but meditative practices surely will not hurt.