Active Submission

 I heard a woman say on a podcast that she realized she was submissive when she identified with the submissive in all the BDSM/D/s/kink stories she read. It's the same for me and was that way from an early age.

In my marriage, I do, and always have provided service. I do this willingly enough. I am a pretty good cook. There are no complaints. I whizz through laundry and like to keep a house clean and organized. So, that's just the way I am.

When I was talking through a little detail for a written Contract with Daniel, a kink educator, he suggested I come up with something else, something more meaningful for the dynamic. So, we settled on me turning down the bed; that is, taking off all the cushions and extra pillows and turning down the bed. It's a small thing but I like to do it and he notices that I do it, what it represents, and he appreciates it.

Our lives didn't allow for a lot more add on, since pretty much all the service kind of activities of our lives are done by me anyway, and I am quick to help him with, say, stacking wood in winter, or gathering leaves in Autumn. This is especially the case now that he is on a chemotherapy type of drug which does sap his energy.

As I listened to the podcast of the 24/7 dynamic couple, I realized that we do pretty much all that they do on a day-to-day level. I am given tasks to do that I do well, and that he doesn't want to do or feels I could do better. We have been together so long that this developed into a groove that requires no discussion. 

I will ask his opinion about certain decisions and keep him abreast of matters but not always, because he doesn't necessarily want to know. Sometimes, he will say, 'why are you asking me this?' in a way that means, 'that is your province and I trust you to make the right selection.'

Daniel thought my husband should have a tracker on me. We both didn't see that as a form of communication that was ideal for us. I say when I am leaving the house and roughly when I am coming back. I might say, 'I am going to the supermarket' or I am going to Book Club'. I don't ask permission for these things, but I do inform. If I wanted to go on a girls' weekend or to a retreat, that I would definitely seek his approval to do.

Last night, I reached for some Kit Kat (a chocolate bar in Australia) and he asked me, 'Did you ask permission?' I smiled and said, 'May I please have permission for some more, Sir?' and he broke off a bar and handed it to me. I love this sort of thing.

This past weekend, he created a Friday rule too. That made my heart sing. I have to ask for something each Friday which becomes a weekend activity. He added in, 'If you don't come and ask, you'll get a beating. Got it?' I did get it. I have a love/hate relationship with spanking. I really do remind myself to be careful what I wish for.

Which leads me to say, it's just not enough for me to have this undercurrent of roles in our lives. I like to feel it more, in a literal sense. He knows this, and also that the feeling he provides, when he chooses to provide it, can test me.

My awareness of my own Self only grows, and I was aware on the weekend that I overreacted to being spanked hard and fast such that I couldn't get on top of my breathing. For the first time ever, I swallowed in some weird way where a sharp pain travelled up into my nose and I said, 'please, I need to stand'. He thought I was just being a whimp and said, 'no' but I said, 'please, it's my nose'. 

He consoled me and that should have been the end of the story, but my sense of Self, or ego, or my uppitiness or whatever you want to call it, got in the way and I became wordy and critical. So, he did too. 

This led to a waste of time back and forth which only ended when I said, 'Okay, I know I am bad.' 'Get that idea out of your head. You are not bad,' he said. This led me to say, 'I'm sorry. I overreacted.'

That night as we cuddled together just before sleep I said, 'I am sorry for today. You should probably spank me for it.' (This isn't a habit of mine - this is progress!)

He said, 'I appreciate your words, cindi.' We fell asleep in one another's arms.

I slept all night, but I was aware of my ass, in a way only a submissive can be. I woke aware of a sense of gentleness and calmness within me.

I know I need a period of training to get back into the lifestyle in a complete way and I do consider what happened just a bleep; not a setback, just me fully accepting my rightful place and associated behavior again. 

In another circumstance this past weekend I said to him, 'Please, Sir, could you go slower' and he liked that; made note to me that it was a good thing I did that.

So, I think this is a go-er for us, quite suddenly. I think we can build momentum from here. I am miles more aware and willing to be an active submissive now and for us, that's a good thing.