Truth and love

 

"When I despair, I remember that the way of truth and love has always won. There may be tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall. Think of it: always."

-- Gandi

Rethinking the Contract

 I have a question that rumbles around in my brain; held towards the back of my consciousness, but even so, consistently present. 

'How do I keep my husband in the game of a D/s dynamic?'

There is a simple fact that must be allowed for, and it is that his mind is both externally focused and also that it is extremely busy. He, for example, doesn't mean to interrupt me mid-sentence but it happens often, because when I start saying something he has a thought and that thought insists on being expressed immediately. It's just part of having ADHD and I know he means me no harm.

On that, improvement has been made. A few years back, if I mentioned that he had interrupted me, self-hatred had him projecting out his feelings on me. That's rare now. I can say, 'may I finish my sentence?' and he is quick to say, 'Yes, yes'.

The obvious answer to my above question is a Contract, an Agreement, and yet he hasn't felt he has the time, or the skill set, and frankly the inclination, to get this done. He thought he had given that task to someone we engaged to help us with that, but it never happened in a way he felt satisfied with. Thus, it remains on the extremely long 'to do' list.

Well, actually I did it myself to the best of my ability, but it truly is a two-person job, and that means we need to sit down and get it done together.

Another characteristic of ADHD is that those people with that particular type of brain find starting things and finishing things rather difficult. This is most especially the case, obviously enough, if they feel they don't have the skill set to do something.

So, I thought I would revisit this on my own and then reintroduce the Contract idea with the hope of some mutual agreement going forth.

If I were to be asked, 'what do you want most?' it wouldn't be where someone is controlling me. I don't want supervision to not smoke and the like. I have a strong sense of independence. I don't, for example, want someone saying, 'I want you to cook a meal for me.' What a waste of a statement. I have been doing that consistently for nearly 50 years. Looking after someone is my jam.

I initiate many things and advancements in our lives, especially once I realized that he secretly enjoyed me doing so. For years there was that push/pull that he wanted to control many things, didn't get them done, I initiated the thing, and that actually pleased him. Slowly, I realized I had more control to improve our lives than I had realized.

What I want is sexual satisfaction. I don't need to have this three times a week, but I do need to have it on some sort of a regular basis. I used to think it lost its meaning if I asked for this, and in some respects, I still do, since I enjoy being 'taken'.

However, I think it would be a game changer if I thought about this as a monthly thing; that is, in November, I would like to have at least one experience where I had a massive orgasm (he knows full well how to achieve this) and at least one experience where I felt the submission in a sexually charged way. This could be using the equipment he bought earlier in the year - the collar, the leash etc. Or it could be using rope to tie me for a Saturday afternoon. Whatever. I just want to know that every few weeks I can feel into that part of my personality.

So, if he agrees to give me that, and let's face it, only he can, since he would never agree to me having a play partner, what can I give him? Well, duh, whatever he wants. The problem is when I ask him what he wants he doesn't really have an answer. 

So, referencing the above strategy, I need to initiate something that he might like and that might get the ball rolling. A full body massage? For him to insert (in me) a butt plug, that size increasing over time? I have to think of something that would entice him to think of play as something that works in his favor, and that has a timeline. A month seems right to me; that's four weeks which gives lots of wiggle time but also demands that satisfaction takes place within the month, keeping everyone honest.

We did try a weekly spanking, but I didn't see that as really bringing us together in a way I had hoped. Sure, receiving a spanking is a submissive act, but pain in and of itself didn't really work for me. It didn't get into that bimbo part I wanted to dig down to; the usery and sluttiness.

When I did a meditation that was designed to heal my core feminine wound, I was asked to say (I think I have this right) 'I see you. I feel you. You are welcome here. I am sorry. Thank you'. Immediately, cindi, the bimbo slut came to mind. She deserves her time, you know? She's no small part of my psyche.

Fantasy, anticipation, emanation

Whilst I have never before had much interest in Astrology, my dabble into that field lately has shown up such synchronicity that it is now impossible for me to dismiss it.

It is believed, according to the day and time I was born, in a particular location on this planet, that my challenge was destined to be 'fantasy'. To try to put that into my own words and based on what I have read, I have been a seeker of experiences of joy, but perhaps looking in the wrong places. 

I have had experiences, wanted more experiences like those experiences and I have done this because I saw, or shall we say 'felt' a connection between those experiences and the divine. To put that another way, those experiences expressed themselves to me as attaining the nothingness with which we come into the world and the nothingness with which we leave the world.

I completely resonate with this 'truth'. I had an experience early on in my adulthood. The Earth stood still as I orgasmed. The sense of nothingness, of emptiness, of ecstatic joy were all rolled together in my mind. Once I had had that experience, I wanted more.

For some astrological thinkers, this is the 'challenge' of living through fantasy, and most particularly sexual fantasy. For others, it's called 'dissatisfaction'. I am, it is said, chasing joy, interfering with the natural processes by trying to create the thing I think will bring joy.

From my end, I know such experiences have brought me great joy, but I also know that they can't be relied upon, because those attempts don't consider the needs of my surroundings - that being that my husband is far less into those experiences than me and I cannot attain those experiences without him. They come but they come spasmodically. His mind is busy and it's really hard for him to turn it off such as to focus on consistent great sexual experiences that honestly bring us both great joy when they do happen.

In the literature I have read, I don't need to be burdened by the fact that I have been born with this challenge, otherwise known as a feminine core wound. I can find my vitality and power in other ways. I can achieve that sense of emptiness; that void that comes to me when my body sings, in other ways.

Of course, I am willing to explore this. A correspondent on tumblr once told me that sexuality was not my spiritual path but just one path to the Highest Path. That was years and years ago and it seems he was right.

With a rather good understanding now of what that means, of course I am willing to learn the lessons in an even deeper way.

Alas, I am also aware that neither my body nor my mind will willingly sacrifice the 'fantasy' of high sexual charge; of being reduced to nothingness; no-one; nobody. It's been in my wiring for a very long time. 

It is written that the power of Grace will ensure that all my dreams will ultimately come true, but only when I understand what my highest dreams really are.

I understand the words. I know I have seen glimpses of my highest dreams in sexual experiences, and I know there is a higher purpose behind those desires.  I perhaps underestimated the power and value of other forms of the present moment, those experiences I can achieve on my own, where the end returns us back to the start. I have experienced those states too, and very recently so. I will try to put those experiences down soon.

I believe that my 'fantasy' was for my Highest Good - equanimity - but perhaps the vehicle for the ride requires revisiting, given the lack of compatibility with my environment. Perhaps, it is thought, I need to include the Highest good of other people. I admit I have felt this in my bones for some time. When I am not leading a meditation group, I yearn for those opportunities to assist others.

I'm told Venus holds more information for me. Happy to learn. I will return when I know more.

Mind states

 I was mindlessly scrolling through Instagram, as one does, when I came across a post about empaths, not out of the ordinary for me since my Instagram feed is full of psychology, spirituality, fashion advice, minimalism advice, gardening advice or interior design. Oh yes, lots of dance and recipes too.

The post made the point that empaths will find themselves drawing away from people and circumstances that induce in them a sense of lack of authenticity. That's so true. I feel like I can spot a lie a mile away, since it registers in my body like the clang of a symbol made at the wrong time of a symphony. It's impossible to miss.

It's tricky though because if one were to call these statements or moments out, life would get very uncomfortable, for me and the person being inauthentic. Invariably, I remain quiet, as if I hadn't noticed. Sometimes, this quietude can be self-recriminating. Why didn't you say you didn't believe him/her? I will ask myself, knowing the answer: that it's more than the other person can take. 

I think Bali has changed me in a way, a deepening of the desire for quietude and solitude. I listened this morning to a podcast about people who can pay to live in a little hobbit cave for a period of, usually, 3-5 days, in complete solitude, in the dark.

The man who runs this facility talked about a woman who was struggling. Whilst it wasn't described in detail, I think there is an opportunity to call or press a button or something if you need help. I think he can talk to her without being with her. He asked her about her struggle, and she said that she feared that this, this experience, would go on forever.

He said to her, then you have a choice. You can resist it or lean into it. He talked to her the next day, and he reported to the listeners that she had gone into a much quieter and more comfortable space and was happy to proceed.

There's a teaching there, I believe. We all struggle against something, sometime. I don't think anyone isn't struggling with something. These emotions and feelings come up for the most rich and creative and externally successful of people. 

So, what can we do? Do we resist the feeling, the emotion? Or do we lean into it?

There's a part of my personality that wants to achieve, to move forward; to fix what is broken, and I mean that literally. I like well running things. I am married to someone less troubled by his external environment. Yes, he has the intention to do something, but it can wait. 

Do I resist this or lean into it? The truth is I have needed to learn new skills and not just patience. You can be patient for the rest of your life, but the fact is each individual needs to manifest something. That is the starting point. It might be a stronger body or a renovated house or a family. It all starts with an intention and then to see that intention through.

So, patience, yes. For some people, starting something and then ending it, is the hard part. Manifestation in the mind is not necessarily compromised, but actionable steps are. So, although I still believe there's a submissive aspect to my personality, there's also an action-oriented aspect too, and I am just not happy with a static environment for a prolonged time. I like to create.

This is not to say that I don't adore doing nothing, the opposite of creation. When I am at my mother's house, not occupied by anyone, I prefer to not have any external stimulus. I like to sit on a bench in the garden and watch the gum trees in front of me. That's my kind of bliss: silence.

But I have been on silent retreats and my mind eventually goes to something I can do. Whilst I love to just be, there's a doing part of me that can only rest for so long.

I once attended a presentation, a sort of soundscape, down in the old Sailor's Guild at the edge of my city, near the water, and when I returned to the street to go back to the car, I suddenly realized that our city is awash with the sounds of seagulls. It hit me; a realization only available to me when my senses had become attuned to their cry against all the other sounds of the city.

I can only imagine that after one exits the silent, dark bunker that life is aglow with an energy of which we can barely conceive. I remember distinctly being in Colorado, high in the mountains and feeling so alive my chest was thumping with an exuberant energy. I felt like John Denver on steroids. 

Nothing would delight me more than to be around people with these sorts of interests: to explore different states of consciousness. I came across one American in Bali and he was going back to the US peremptorily because he had landed a spot in a sacred plant medicine retreat. I was incredibly jealous, but delighted to have had the opportunity to chat.

I am extraordinarily grateful for the inventions of my time. To have access to people who create podcasts about these states is a beautiful addition and contribution to humanity.

New and old frontiers

 I did a short course over the weekend on Sound Healing. In there, I became a little curious about astrology and the Gene Keys. So, I plugged in my birthdate and a few other details and up came my profile. 

Some of the material I related to. Other bits of information didn't resonate with me. The sentence that I found most confusing was one wherein I was told I am at my best when a leader and when working with a group.

I can't help but wonder where the connection in my mind between 'slavery' and 'eroticism' came from. Did I see 'The Story of O' when I was impressionably young? 

I also did some research into the Feminine Core Wound and this material brought up that I need to tap into my inner vitality; that my feminine core wound was dissatisfaction.

It's interesting to me that in my life I have sought the assistance of three mental health professionals. The two men discarded my thought that perhaps I should be achieving something out in the wider world. The female psychologist got me doing academic work that would lead to endeavors, possibly with other people but probably not.

There is, however, a common thread through all this material: that I should seek to be a positive influence on as many people as possible, through whatever field.

I can feel deep within me, and have done so for months now, a yearning to launch into something, but you know what comes up and has been coming up for some time? To go find a dance studio. My deepest desire is to move.

Somewhere in my Gene Keys profile I read that I was ahead of my time. I am meant, it was written, to offer the world something new and fresh; something that it hadn't seen before. Man, the responsibility!

It was also written somewhere that I needed to be aware of beauty. Now you are talking my language. I had a strong desire for many years to have a store with the name 'Beautiful things'. It was felt that in filling a store with all things I found beautiful, it may not lead to commercial success necessarily. Beauty is after all, in the eye of the beholder.

It's all a bit confusing right now. I can say this. The soundscape I was sent to heal my feminine core wound was wonderful. I immediately fell to sleep for two and half hours in a profoundly transformative way. I woke heavy and almost, but not quite, touched on the moment of my conception. I know that sounds weird but sound therapy is a weird and most wonderful thing. More on that soon.

I am left with the mystery of it all. A sense of mystery is a good thing and maybe as close as we can get to what lies beyond.

Feeling owned

 On a podcast I once listened to, the man made the statement that a woman's orgasm has the potential to be so much more profound than the best male orgasm; that a clitoral orgasm is more like a male orgasm, over fast.

A dominant partner, perhaps more than most people in more vanilla relationships, has the ability to induce a significantly more profound orgasm. To call it an orgasm isn't really correct since it's more like a long body of sensation. I am aware personally than the orgasm can last minutes but believed the podcaster when he reported that the pleasure response can go on for hours.

This sort of orgasmic, intense pleasure response is only available to me when I submit. I have to feel some 'do as you are told' dominance over me, and I have to melt into that dominance. For me, and I suspect of a multitude of women, some measure of pain induces that sense of submission. It's a voluntary thing, one let's go, and in that letting go into some pain, some part of the brain is prepared for a total release of intense, even over-the-top sensation. All power is given over to the dominant to induce the intense pleasure response and for as long as it pleases him to do so. It ends when he says it ends and knowing this, the brain and body just keep responding in the same way.

When I was younger, I could give myself a pretty intense orgasm; nothing like one that is given to me. However, when fully involved in my fantasy life, my body could be relieved of the buildup of desire.

Now, I am completely reliant on the dominant giving me the gift of an intense vaginal orgasm. If there were no other reason to submit and obey, this fact of the matter would be more than enough.

When we were on holiday recently, I asked someone showing us various sites if there was a place he could take us to look at silver jewelry. My husband was keen to procure for me a 'slave bracelet'. Our new friend very kindly drove us to a store filled with thousands of items, but I do have some skills in discarding everything except that which piques my interest and I fairly quickly identified a bracelet that would suit our needs. It was to be my ownership bracelet; one worn every day to mark the agreement between us and so it needed to be selected carefully.

It is silver, with three bars of 18 carat gold in the design allowing me to wear it with any other piece of jewelry.  It fits quite snugly on my wrist and has a solid closing. This was important to me because I didn't want to be worrying about the possibility it might fall off my wrist.

Since it was a piece from a store well out of the way of shops in an Asian country, the price was quite affordable at the same as the quality was high. My husband wanted to be sure this was the bracelet for me, and I wanted to be sure he loved it as much as I did. That's all either of us wished to know.

Rules don't come easily to my husband. He's a preoccupied person and I think he doesn't care to supervise me. To be sure, he lets me know if he isn't pleased with me, but close supervision of me just isn't his thing. Speaking respectfully, and keeping our lives running smoothly is expected, but nothing is front and center of his mind to demand of me on a daily basis. 

So, to wear this bracelet every day is especially significant to me. I haven't given up on including more into our dynamic, but this is a lovely addition, and I am noticing that as I navigate the world outside the house, it is providing me with a grounded presence.

Dominance

From time to time, I have read about a woman in a D/s style relationship who has lost her dominant, as in he died, or once or twice I have read about a dominant who has lost his submissive. I remember once telling a dominant friend that I was a little fearful of the dynamic because of the fear of just that - my dominant dying before I did, and the huge hole I imagined that would create in my life.

My husband, who has been diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer isn't your typical cancer patient and he is doing so many of the right things. He honors his intuition, is deeply engaged with the healing process, has released many of his repressed emotions through hypnosis and floods his body with positive emotions. He must go for treatment each month and each and every time he is praised for his attitude. They see him as one out of the box and wish all their other patients had such a strong life force. So, most of the time, I am engaged with his strong life force and certainly not someone who has dug himself a pit of negativity or any sort of resignation.

It's part and parcel of the way we have lived together, for nearly 50 years now. Something very difficult happens, maybe an investment goes pear shaped, or a child or a grandchild has an issue. He is subject to the normal ups and downs of this but ultimately, he rallies. He says something akin to, 'don't worry, we will rise from the ashes and rebuild'. It's our whole lives together that has been a training ground, like a dharma strengthening of character, so that when a heavy-duty dose of courage is required, one is conditioned in that virtue.

I think about our dynamic as one where, as Brene Brown says, it's not 50:50. Sometimes, I might be a 10 and sometimes I am a 90. When he is caught up in fear, letting his imagination run a bit wild, I feel that I can't and shouldn't rely on him for strength or leadership.

This happened late last night when I could see his imagination running wild, and without information that allowed me to decipher whether what he was saying was a major concern, or not, I knew that the best thing for me was to go to silence. This morning provided greater informed detail, and the issue brings with it, a need for careful monitoring, possibly a second opinion, but nothing that seems abnormal under the circumstances. 

My daughter in law, who is carrying their first child, who needs to get married fast (there is an Asian mother to satisfy) and who needs to find a house fast before the baby arrives, said to me on the weekend that she is close to overwhelm. I get it.

In my ideal fantasy world, it's the Dominant one who settles me down, assures me everything will be all right, and enables me to feel safe and secure. I read this blog, I don't particularly want to say which one because it is sorta extreme, and he has the talent of allowing his wife (I am assuming from his writing) to feel so very secure in his dominance. 

She knows the rules. She knows the expectations. She understands that the rules are for her good, and for the good of the marriage and the family. He punishes when she deviates from the good order his rules impose and by all accounts, she responds to the punishment well in that she seems perfectly happy more or less immediately thereafter. 

Of course, it's him writing, not her, and so maybe, like me, she has to sometimes settle him; put things into perspective; give her reading of the things that happen in their lives. Maybe he gets dispirited, or negative, or over-worrying and she has to be the one to pick up the pieces for him on a given day. It's the tango that all couples dance, isn't it?!

In my fantasy world, in my aroused state, it's all so completely set in stone, like in the blog. I read that blog because I like that world he writes about, where he has created this fantastic sense of safety and calm, and putting things right should they go off course. She doesn't, or has learned not to, let's say, argue the point but rather accepts that her ass will bear the brunt of her misalignments of his vision for them. It's just life, their life; the way things go in that household.

For a time, it was like that for us. Pretty close. My husband got sick, and things changed, and I remember how unsafe I felt. That's when I went looking for other ways to feel calm - meditation and breathing techniques and self-compassion exercises and such. 

Here's the thing: For me, nothing cures a sense of anxiety, of worry, or overwhelm, faster than experiencing dominance. It's an act of kindness really, though maybe not in the moment. It makes me feel safe, secure, calm, at peace. It is, I have to think, some deeply invested sense of femininity left over from the stone age that lodged in my body long before there was a body. It's the only explanation.

Anxiety

I am most grateful to have a place by the sea where I can go, sometimes alone, as I am now. I acknowledge that I can become anxious and the opportunity to be alone, and to garden at will, is both comforting and healing for me.

It's well known now that anxious types tend to have had a rather chaotic childhood, and then repeat that sort of situation in the partner they choose. That's certainly what happened to me. So, with plenty of drama and emotional expression swirling around me, my anxiety will rise. 

There comes a point when I know that, rather than just a yoga class or two, I need silence. I need to be completely alone. 

Everything becomes very simple. I buy the simplest of ingredients - fish for my dinners, salad, a potato or two; granola, yoghurt and dates for breakfast, and maybe something like a can of sardines on toast for lunch; a couple of apples.

I don't listen or watch media, although I did bring my lap top, and I felt moved this morning to try to figure out my state by writing something about my inner world.

Which leads me to say that anxiety is a somatic experience, primarily, and so one does need to relate to the body as soon as possible. For me, it's a fluttering feeling, between the neck and the heart; like butterflies all aflutter; restless.

Dr Russ (the Anxiety Doctor) encourages the anxious person, himself included, to look around for signs of safety. Here, they are abundant. The trees, the wind, the view of the sea which I created with much hard work and ingenuity, the birds, the plants in flower, all remind me I am quite safe.

That leads me to say that recently I have felt unsafe; possibly quite erroneously, but not entirely. It can be hard to get across to my husband some ideas that most people take for granted. I don't know why this is so, but perhaps it is his age; the era in which he grew up. I tried to explain that, given his cancer diagnosis, it seemed especially important that I know what to do in his absence. Where were the documents of our lives? What did we have, what did we owe? 

Being the very strong man that he is, I think he has it in mind to be here for a long time, so it doesn't seem something that needs to be on the top of his list. But I hear my friends say that they accompany their husbands to the accountant, and I think to myself, do we even have an accountant?

Whilst my husband can manage risk and is actually as comfortable with high risk as anyone out there, I am, and was brought up to be, a 'term deposit' girl, as was my brother. So, the investments that make up our eventual inheritance are as safe as investments can be. This makes us feel safe.

I think what I am trying to say is that everyone has a different level of sense of safety, in built. I happened to marry a man who can ride the financial roller coaster without a sense of alarm, whereas for me, it makes me pretty queasy.

I do wonder, something not talked about a lot when it comes to anxiety, if we anxious types look for a sense of control; feel centered when there is a sense of control about things. I have noticed myself being triggered by a friend whose husband is all about a sense of safety, which has enabled them in these later years to have more fun. The finances are not extensive, but they are sorted.

There's some sort of lesson here for me - some sort of letting go into the unknown. At the same time, it's the sense of personal agency in the past year or so that feels so good; an individual sense of agency where I can make some decisions for myself that feels so good to me.

I completely agree with the belief that before there can be a power dynamic there must be agreement, and it has to be said that my husband and I don't, and have never, come into agreement about how much risk one should take. Some marriage experts believe that there are areas of life in which a couple will never come into agreement. Maybe that's the lesson: to accept that, on this issue, we will continue to hold our own opinions, and we each need to respect the other's point of view.

Hunter types

 I see an acupuncturist around ten times a year and so over the last couple of years we have come to know quite a lot about one another. I have no expectation the work will be done in silence and it's surprising to me that this works for me because when I initially went to see him, that's the way I expected it to go. I prefer silence as a general rule.

We both like one another, that's clear. Although we come from very different places (he's American Chinese) there's so much we find to talk about.

Bit by bit, I revealed that I was experiencing some sort of transition stage in my life that was a struggle for me. This was no surprise to him since my pulses suggested a blockage (an emotional blockage) in the spleen/kidney/gall bladder area. He had said it so often and focused my acupuncture for those areas of my body that it just made sense to explain more about the confusion I was experiencing.

Interesting, that yesterday he told me the story - again - of one client who had transitioned from her banking profession to the healing world and was enjoying her studies. It was a subtle nudge to get creative about the next (final) stage of my life.

I am no stranger to the visualization of sitting on a mountain and looking onto an endless vista - a visualization he asked me to do at the end of our session last month. There's close to nothing another person can do for you in these transition stages of one's life. I know this, although I also know that the empathic practitioner will attempt to do so. The answer will come from deep within when it is ready to come and when there is but one and only one answer.

It was probably best that I didn't know the situation of my life at the time, over the many years, as I do now. After a great deal of investigation, I now understand that, without doubt, my husband has what some people refer to as a Hunter brain, and other people refer to as ADHD.

I mean, really, that's not news. It was a likely diagnosis in my mind for many many years, but I hadn't quite embraced it as fact; the repercussions of that kind of brain on a marriage, and in my marriage, being a woman with an innate slave mentality. 

If there is one characteristic required of a Dominant in a consensual power exchange, I would say it is consistency. Yet, for the ADHD brain, consistency is maybe the hardest thing. This kind of brain with inadequate dopamine receptors, requires spontaneity and ways to kick up the dopamine supply - in my husband's case, that would be news about the wider world, Trump, Putin, the Ukraine, the entire economic system of the world, information about the body.  Each article or video gives him a little hit of dopamine. Consistency, say, of addressing our Agreement, does not do this for him. His brain is expert at hyperfocus on the issue at hand, primarily a business issue.

In my reading, deep research into his condition, time for Hunter types is clearly a very big difference to the neurotypical brain, sometimes called the Farmer brain. We set up a weekend whereby on Fridays I ask for a couple of things to happen sometime over the weekend. But it didn't take long to realize that this a timeframe that offered too much variability and opportunity for the whole thing to be missed.

The only way this was going to work was for me to take the responsibility of making it work - looking out for a good time and suggesting it, or even saying something along the lines of 'would 7 pm this evening work for you?' and then reminding him at 7 pm that we had an appointment at this time.

Would I love it if I didn't have to do this? Sure. But what I am learning is that this is the only way a D/s exchange is going to be consistently present in our lives. Maybe, just maybe, it can be something else over time, but I certainly cannot rely on this. 

And only time will tell, if he actually wants this at all, if it is the ADHD condition that is preventing success, or if it is that combined with his prostate cancer and treatment, which means that his sexual desire has come to an end.

Two of my sons have a diagnosis of ADHD, but they were both gifted with a delightful sense of humor. It didn't weigh at all heavily on them in the main, mostly, I think, because they didn't fight the diagnosis in any way and played to their strengths. It's the denial that can make life tough, rather than seeing how immensely creative this type of brain is; the huge gifts this brain brings with it. People of my husband's age, of course, were not treated well, and this early conditioning is difficult to fix.

The therapist we have both spoken to, separately, being at a loss, did suggest to me that I open a dialogue with my husband about getting my needs met elsewhere. He was happy to help me through this situation. I can't see it myself. I think it would be endlessly hurtful and thus would lead to unhappiness and sorrow. I just can't go down that road; not after a lifetime together.

Do I sometimes say to myself, 'This is too hard, I give up'. Of course, I do. It's a mismatch of gigantic proportions. But then, there's the love, you see. I can't deny the love. And so, I go on.

Active Submission

 I heard a woman say on a podcast that she realized she was submissive when she identified with the submissive in all the BDSM/D/s/kink stories she read. It's the same for me and was that way from an early age.

In my marriage, I do, and always have provided service. I do this willingly enough. I am a pretty good cook. There are no complaints. I whizz through laundry and like to keep a house clean and organized. So, that's just the way I am.

When I was talking through a little detail for a written Contract with Daniel, a kink educator, he suggested I come up with something else, something more meaningful for the dynamic. So, we settled on me turning down the bed; that is, taking off all the cushions and extra pillows and turning down the bed. It's a small thing but I like to do it and he notices that I do it, what it represents, and he appreciates it.

Our lives didn't allow for a lot more add on, since pretty much all the service kind of activities of our lives are done by me anyway, and I am quick to help him with, say, stacking wood in winter, or gathering leaves in Autumn. This is especially the case now that he is on a chemotherapy type of drug which does sap his energy.

As I listened to the podcast of the 24/7 dynamic couple, I realized that we do pretty much all that they do on a day-to-day level. I am given tasks to do that I do well, and that he doesn't want to do or feels I could do better. We have been together so long that this developed into a groove that requires no discussion. 

I will ask his opinion about certain decisions and keep him abreast of matters but not always, because he doesn't necessarily want to know. Sometimes, he will say, 'why are you asking me this?' in a way that means, 'that is your province and I trust you to make the right selection.'

Daniel thought my husband should have a tracker on me. We both didn't see that as a form of communication that was ideal for us. I say when I am leaving the house and roughly when I am coming back. I might say, 'I am going to the supermarket' or I am going to Book Club'. I don't ask permission for these things, but I do inform. If I wanted to go on a girls' weekend or to a retreat, that I would definitely seek his approval to do.

Last night, I reached for some Kit Kat (a chocolate bar in Australia) and he asked me, 'Did you ask permission?' I smiled and said, 'May I please have permission for some more, Sir?' and he broke off a bar and handed it to me. I love this sort of thing.

This past weekend, he created a Friday rule too. That made my heart sing. I have to ask for something each Friday which becomes a weekend activity. He added in, 'If you don't come and ask, you'll get a beating. Got it?' I did get it. I have a love/hate relationship with spanking. I really do remind myself to be careful what I wish for.

Which leads me to say, it's just not enough for me to have this undercurrent of roles in our lives. I like to feel it more, in a literal sense. He knows this, and also that the feeling he provides, when he chooses to provide it, can test me.

My awareness of my own Self only grows, and I was aware on the weekend that I overreacted to being spanked hard and fast such that I couldn't get on top of my breathing. For the first time ever, I swallowed in some weird way where a sharp pain travelled up into my nose and I said, 'please, I need to stand'. He thought I was just being a whimp and said, 'no' but I said, 'please, it's my nose'. 

He consoled me and that should have been the end of the story, but my sense of Self, or ego, or my uppitiness or whatever you want to call it, got in the way and I became wordy and critical. So, he did too. 

This led to a waste of time back and forth which only ended when I said, 'Okay, I know I am bad.' 'Get that idea out of your head. You are not bad,' he said. This led me to say, 'I'm sorry. I overreacted.'

That night as we cuddled together just before sleep I said, 'I am sorry for today. You should probably spank me for it.' (This isn't a habit of mine - this is progress!)

He said, 'I appreciate your words, cindi.' We fell asleep in one another's arms.

I slept all night, but I was aware of my ass, in a way only a submissive can be. I woke aware of a sense of gentleness and calmness within me.

I know I need a period of training to get back into the lifestyle in a complete way and I do consider what happened just a bleep; not a setback, just me fully accepting my rightful place and associated behavior again. 

In another circumstance this past weekend I said to him, 'Please, Sir, could you go slower' and he liked that; made note to me that it was a good thing I did that.

So, I think this is a go-er for us, quite suddenly. I think we can build momentum from here. I am miles more aware and willing to be an active submissive now and for us, that's a good thing.

Transformational periods

 I have been listening on Audible to the novel 'Long Island', which I think of as being about 'middle age'. It occurred to me that in my lifetime 'middle age' has changed. It was once thought of as in the 40s of one's life, whereas I think of it now as being later, in the 50s or even in the 60s. We remain more active and fitter for longer now, we have our children later, so I think it is all combined with living in a different world.

So, in the novel Eilish and Tony, in the throes of bringing up their children, of living very close to Tony's family, and he busy working away at his plumbing business, and Eilish working as a bookkeeper, there's a single line that reveals that they have stopped making love.

The problem set up on page 1 is that Tony has fathered a child of another woman, and the Irish husband, knowing full well it is not his (so they stopped making love too...) is planning to put the baby on Tony and Eilish's doorstep.

Eilish refuses to deal with the problem and heads off to Ireland to visit her mother for the first time in twenty years, and the way is now paved for her to have an affair with a man she once thought she might marry.

Toibin, I believe, is interested in posing an event, and then seeing what transpires, and indeed he successfully showed how the ball rolled away in an unstoppable way.

But I am interested in what started the ball rolling and it's not the man coming to tell Eilish about the infidelity. It's the fact that they stopped making love. That set it all off, most probably.

It's in 'middle age', whatever those words mean to you, when the needs of people can sometimes not be in line. It was pillow talk, this novel, last night and my husband offered, 'but in middle age the man is still busy with his work and achievement and responsibilities, and the woman is not.'

I countered, 'Eilish was working. Many women are working. Yet it's almost scientifically proven that it's women who want to reinvigorate their sex lives in middle age, it's the men who are too preoccupied to give it the necessary attention.'

But I heard him. I think he is onto something. In middle age, maybe that's a time when a man is feeling burdened by responsibility and legacy and getting it all right to pass money onto the children, when health issues may crop up.

Maybe middle age for a woman is a time of transformation; a time when she doesn't so much want to reinvent the world, or even herself, but her marriage; looking for something more heavenly, more divine, more sacred; like the love being a river that enables the love of the whole world to flow through it. This is experiential for me, by no means all the time. However, once you have tasted it, you never forget it, and maybe, just maybe this is what women intuitively know is possible.

I heard a man speak about his new woman recently in an unusual way and I think he is an unusual man for doing so. He said something like, 'you are a powerful woman, and you don't need a man, don't need men. So, to love you is not to control you. I am like the banks of the river, and you are the river that flows between the banks. And yet, you want to surrender to the maleness in me and I am trying to figure out how exactly to do this, to hold you in this way. It's not something our mothers and fathers taught us, and I am still working this all out.'

D/s has never been a perfect fit for me and perhaps that's why I am thought of as needing it "in a particular way". It's the powerful piece and the wanting to surrender piece and how they marry one another. At the end of the day, I think of it as a mutual devotion. Since I have thought of it in this way, I have felt much more at peace.

Sexual disparities

 I have been reading a little on a site for people who are partnered with, and for people who identify as, asexual. There are really sad cases there where someone is married to a person who fulfills them in various ways - intellectually, for example - but does not fulfil them in a sexual way because that person has very little interest in a sexual life. In some cases, the married couple hadn't had sex for many years.

In all the cases I read through on the site, it was the women who were incredibly sad about this situation and the men who felt pressure to have sex. Obviously, this is only anecdotal and not evidence based.

My thoughts about asexuality are only just now formulating as I read on the subject. I used to think that it might be depression that led someone to feel that sex was an undesirable thing. Maybe, it was a body image problem, or anxiety or feeling overloaded or called upon to have sex when maybe they really wanted to explore some other interest; maybe they wanted to cycle or to work longer hours.

I am starting to wonder if just in the same way a person's sexual orientation is to be attracted to the opposite sex or the same sex, or to want to be in a monogamous situation or a polyamory situation, some people may want intense sexual experiences as part of their dynamic and some people would be happy to have sex, say, a couple of times a year.

Maybe, some people are content to have sex utilizing maybe three different positions and some people continue to explore different ways to have sex for a lifetime.

Maybe, quite naturally, some people want to have sex as 'equals' whereas others want to feel in control, whilst others again want to cede control to the other.

In my own case, my sexuality has been constant in terms of my fantasy life and what turns me on. The difference as I grow older is that the thoughts relate to ownership in a wholly comprehensive way. There's precious little I wouldn't do to express the ownership and in return I want to be that cherished and adored 'slave' who gets to feel owned by virtue of the instructions of an 'obedience is required' 'owner'.

There's a great deal of adoration in these scenarios that goes both ways. He's fulfilling my deepest desires, and I am fulfilling his deepest desires. There is symmetry.

That's the point. No matter what comes completely naturally to a person as the way to live, there does need to be symmetry or at the least a willingness to meet in the middle.

Let's say a couple have sex. This, for the man, ticks a 'to do' off his list. For the woman, it's a delicious aperitif, but she is still hungry. The problem arises when he feels they are 'good' for, say, at least a few months.

I have always wondered just a little about polyamory; not such that I would want to live in a combined household or to have a complicated life. But I do wonder if mismatches in desire can be reconciled if there is an understanding between the couple who love one another but who have very different desires for sexual expression, to compromise. What if someone who matched her needs was willing to meet, even once a month? 

Could jealousy be overcome? Could this sort of arrangement be seen as a gift; something far more satisfying than a piece of jewelry could ever be?

I only have the Internet at my disposal, popular culture such as movies to watch, to assess the lay of the land, but I am getting the sense that people are coming to their senses and being grown-ups about these disparities. If you love someone, don't you want them to be happy?

Space

 It's been glorious autumn weather - leaves turning colour and drifting downwards, morning sun that warms the face and lights the back room golden - such that I have made a habit of taking my coffee out and sitting on the wooden bench outside the kitchen to watch the day break open. 

From the neighbour's garden I can easily see two very tall, majestic trees. Each morning now, it is a little different and today I noticed the branches, close to bare; the birds that have made the trees their home, or their landing spot or mating spot. It has a hypnotic effect on me, and I often find myself spending far more time sitting there than I had meant.

I have had a thing about the word 'space'. When I was guiding meditations, I often found myself using this word, encouraging people to note the space all around them - above them, to either side of them and behind them. The word 'space' has so many meanings. I like to have space to myself in between spending time with others. I like for there to be not too much in a room so there is space to move.

Most of all I like to walk across parkland and look up into the sky and feel the endless space of the sky. Have you ever taken the time to be in awe of the sky above your head, that limitless space that in a way urges you to make space for yourself, to grow and to experience life in all its glory and messiness?

As I sat there this morning, I found the clouds quite glorious. Noting the Earth moving ever so slowly, the clouds moving quietly to one side, I closed my eyes to feel that movement. What a wonder, that we might sit on a seat steadily and yet the world is moving ever so slowly. As are we, moving, never completely still, as the breath demands that we move our bodies in and out in rhythm.

When I opened my eyes, it was as if I was seeing clouds for the first time, and I gasped. They looked just like huge pieces of cotton wool, softly tantalizing awe at the wonder of this planet.  I close my eyes for a moment. Ah, the birds agree.

Calm

 There's the obvious ebb and flow of the four seasons that make up a year, maybe the ebb and flow of an academic year. There's the ebb and flow of the work week and the weekend, depending on your work schedule, and, of course, the ebb and flow of the daytime hours and the nighttime hours. 

Unless we pay attention, we take these changes for granted, unless you've trained yourself to notice, perhaps, that time of day when you make yourself a cup of coffee, or when you notice the sun start to be lower in the sky, or when it is getting dark, and you turn on a salt lamp.

 It's like someone actually making a note on a piece of paper to remember something, except this time, it's a mental note such as 'we are moving towards evening'. I think of it as being in sync with the Universe.

In a similar way, you might notice the ebb and flow of your energy levels; when you feel energized to complete tasks and when you need to rest. You might notice that having sat for a long period, you have a desperate desire to move your body. We aren't exactly dictating these things but rather we are noticing what is going on with us.

I noticed this morning, consciously noted, that my brain was different. I don't mean that something changed overnight, as I am sure it did not. I have half consciously noted a difference for a few weeks, perhaps, a rapidly rising difference that seems to be developing into a trait; that is, not a state, but a trait.

Various psychologists and spiritual leaders will talk about practicing states until they become traits. The example I like best is Ian Gawler who likes to say when asked how long one should meditate: Meditate until you no longer need to meditate.  That is to say, we can practice in the qualities of a state until it simply is a trait; part of us; a permanent change, so to speak.

For years I was aware I found my situation at home frustrating. I would attempt discussion about something only to find myself being closed down; I would hear an automatic rejection of what I was saying simply because I was saying it. It wasn't about everything, but it was often about something that my husband felt could be construed as his domain, a man's domain.

I came to feel that discussion was potentially dangerous and would make me feel worse rather than better. Discussion became something I avoided if I thought this would happen.

I think what happened to change the situation was the clearing out of his trauma, or a lot of it because once that happened, we had a chance to effect change.

Still, change was not going to happen without the trait of calm in me. I knew this down to my bones. I could lay it all out, but the reasons why don't really matter. 

I am aware I still experience frustration. For one thing, it had become part of my default network, a bit akin to breathing. I in no way experience only the feel-good emotions.

And yet, now I experience an emotion such as frustration as something in the background, not the foreground. This is the same as experiencing thoughts and emotions in meditation as in the background, not the foreground. Let's say, you see the balloon filled with frustration, but you can't keep hold of the string and it just floats away.

That's awfully strange, I think to myself, how come the balloon just blew away?

My husband is calmer. This helps me to be calm, for sure, but he is far from always calm, and I am nearly always calm now. 

I ponder, is this what they call 'Acceptance'? I think of a variety of people with a variety of personality differences, some wonderful and some not, and no matter who I think about, I think, 'this is what it is'. It's this mind-blowing trait wherein I feel so calm nearly all the time that I find myself thinking of the story of Eckhart Tolle where a former housemate said it was like living with someone in flotation gear.

To be clear, I am not just hanging around meditating. I move from mental to physical tasks and back again with relative ease, profoundly aware of what I have control over and what is completely outside of my control. It's all good. This is fine.

I go through periods where I am sometimes ravenously sexually hungry and then find it moves to something else eventually.  I have come to accept that what floats my boat is something over which I appear to have no control, until I do. I've learned a lot, and my mind discriminates well now. I understand these little nods to my natural persuasions; the biology of it. It is what it is.

There's a man on the streets of NYC who asks people of a certain age what it's like to be 52, or 66 or 79? They come up with amazing answers on the spot all of which relate to feeling more themselves now.

That's part of it, for sure. But I think it truly is this phenomenon of which Rick Hanson, Californian psychologist, talks; that when we practice certain desired states for long enough, they transform into traits. The brain changes, wires fire; transform.

Oddly, oh so oddly, boundaries are suddenly something that make so much sense. One still aims to please people but it's not the preoccupation it was before. One just feels so comfortable in this set of clothes; this skin.

I'm slightly terrified to write this. Will it change tomorrow? Have I jinxed it by writing these words here? I don't think so. I have worked hard at this for a good decade. It's a sense of peace well-earned and I pat myself on the back.

The Four Questions

 I have circled back several times to the work of Byron Katie. It's such a simple remedy she offers for the thoughts in our heads that often hold us back from experiencing satisfaction with our lives. Although I could see the value in it, my instincts told me to go to other places - more or less, to felt states. It seemed the right place for me since I was acutely aware that I wasn't in touch with my feelings. I printed out a few years ago a list of feelings, trying to get in touch with those states, to identify and be willing to feel them all. I credit yoga and particularly yin yoga with the great results achieved.

To explain, a few times in a typical day I ask myself the question, 'How are you feeling?'. I feel into my body for the answer and accept whatever comes up. For example, my mother is currently in palliative care. She almost passed away last week, but rallied again, and now she is offered her medication but doesn't necessarily take it, and she is offered food but doesn't necessarily eat it. She is made comfortable and left to sleep whenever she wants to. I sit beside her, and sometimes she wakes and we chat, or after a time I quietly leave her be. 

So, I ask myself 'how are you feeling about all this?' I feel that she would say, if she had the mental capacity to sum up her life on what will be her deathbed, 'I have had a great life, filled with love and fun; with dogs and plants and grandchildren. I regret nothing.' So, yes, I feel sad at saying a silent goodbye to her, but I also feel that there is so little life left, I hope that she can soon let go.

I feel some regret for her that even though she is suffering advanced dementia, she knows things. She knows my brother is gone and won't be back. She mumbles about how she can't understand that he is so far away. I feel sorry I can't change this situation for her. I feel aware of my limitations to make life sweet for those I love. I'm aware that she has been inclined to be self-centered and my brother finds that tough. I am aware that I prefer not to focus on the flaws and instead look to see the strengths. She's been remarkably strong, resilient and kind. She's a whole person. She will die as she lived, with an abundance of strengths and weaknesses. She's human.

In this waiting pattern, the never-ending journeys up and down the highway, the understanding I have that I must begin to think ahead to a funeral service, I call on patience and sit in that space of being in between - alive and noting moments of life more intensely. My mother is dying, her dog almost died at the same moment she did last week, and there is a poignancy to the details of a day. Is it the last time I bring in the dog to visit my mother? Is it the last time we exchange a smile? 

I feel particularly dismayed about the Bondi shootings, a place I have gone with my grandson, my son, my husband. How quickly life is expunged with a knife wielding person in the crowd. Our sense of safety as Australians is currently shattered. I acknowledge the sadness. The trick is to acknowledge it all, in order to allow it to move into something else.

This whole journal, at its core, has been about expressing a part of me that is not fully expressed, and can't be fully expressed in my life.  I have experienced a lot of emotions around this - frustration, sadness, anger, disappointment; maybe even some relief that I am being saved from myself. That's a thought that has sat there for decades. I know that if left to my own devices I would slide down the slippery slope of submission, further than it may be healthy to go. I strongly believe that we have a variety of selves inside us. So, there's the part that wants to glide, to not think, and there's the part that loves to think, to research, to ponder, to discuss, and to learn. It just could be that that part needs more expression, not less. I am open to inquiry, to the mystery; the unknown. 

Okay, so here's the thought on which to do The Work as devised by Byron Katie.

'My life is not complete because I cannot wholly express my submissive side.'

Q. 1 Is it true. 

Yes, I believe that to be true.

Q.2 Can you absolutely know it's true?

No. I can't absolutely know it's true. I may not like wholly expressing my submission. Maybe it would be giving up too much of other parts of myself. Maybe I can find completion in some other way. Maybe my life is already complete.

Q. 3 How do you react - what happens - when you believe that thought?

I feel self-pity. I feel stymied. I feel frustrated that I can't get cooperation. I feel closed down and sad.

Q. 4 Who would you be without that thought?

I would be free of unfulfilled expectation. I would be free of 'shoulds'. I would be open, and open to new possibilities. I would be healed. 

Turn the statement around...

My life is complete even though I cannot fully express my submissive side.

I can fully express my submissive side.

My life is complete because I can wholly express my submissive side.

For Byron Katie, the task is to get to the statement, 'I have everything I need here right now.'

Is it possible that making too much of this part of us - and it is just a part - be that submissive or dominant - is actually hiding from clear view...contentedness??

DD versus D/s

 I happened to see on Instagram a post that said, 'These are the three words that saved my marriage' (and it's not I love you'). I was sufficiently curious and went to the link to discover that the three words were 'You do you.'

There's merit to this approach. Maybe especially in the D/s space there's a strong chance you are partnered with someone the opposite of you in so many ways. So, to be understanding, maybe even celebratory about the differences is a good thing. It doesn't take much thought to realize that if you have a submissive bent and your partner does too, that's not the dynamic you're looking for. 

A certain amount of frustration, to put it mildly, is going to ensue about these differences, however, it has to be said. Great to have an understanding of the other's quirks and areas of paramount difference to your own, but not so great when those differences impact your life adversely.

I was on a hunt for something a bit different to roll around in my mind and came across this DD, or is it CDD, site where there was an enormous emphasis on training a wife to be neat and tidy, competent, responsible, to do the household chores. Men were on there, and the wives too, talking about laundry, or not doing the laundry. There was talk about being lazy and forgetting to charge the mobile phone before one went out with the children.

This was like reading about people so different to me, I really couldn't relate. I have always been the one to do all the laundry, even long before we married. No-one, and I mean no-one could ever call me lazy. I am, nearly all the time, in constant motion, doing things and achieving tasks. Honestly, I am the one trying to motivate anyone who might help me to achieve all these goals I have in my head.

There are little things brought to my attention. My children will say I have kept too much of their art projects, but when I try to throw them out, they have second thoughts. My desk doesn't always look like that of an anal retentive, but it's not bad either. I regularly discard what's not needed. I am somewhere between a houseproud person and a tiny bit messy, depending on the day and the time of day. Put it this way. My husband isn't complaining, unless I try to make steps to work on his study which is absolutely his 'den (of too much stuff)'.

So, these DD sites (well one in particular) was both a massive turn on for me and at the same, somewhat ridiculous, in my mind.

These husbands weren't into spanking as a turn on. Not. At. All. This was about training, discipline; results; outcomes. There was talk about a wife being ready to submit to her husband on a moment's whim, regardless of exhaustion and so on, but there was next to no talk about play, per se. This was business. This was the man taking his responsibility seriously, to guide his wayward wife in the right direction by ensuring she had all the necessary corporal discipline to train her to be the best wife.

I had a very brief exchange sort of lately with the hypnotist wherein he mentioned a self-discipline contract. I had to look this up and indeed it's a thing. You decide on your goal, commit to it in writing, sign it, and give yourself some consequences, if you err. He emphasized that he wasn't prescribing this for me and he definitely didn't want me self-punishing. Honestly, I just mulled the whole thing.

The DD blogs suggest to me at least, that a woman, a wife, needs her husband's guidance to ensure that she is suitably disciplined by him such that she is a good wife; that she is not capable of doing this for herself. They suggest that there is a right way to do things, and this right way is known by him, not her. But with the right guidance, he can teach her, instill a bit of fear of doing the wrong thing basically, and Bob's your Uncle, you've got the wife of your dreams.

There's some implication that women are addle headed, incompetent, lazy, that really irks me. I hope you got that long before I wrote that sentence. And I am not saying that this approach, done in a lighter way, wouldn't work with some women. The harshness written about there worked with the women commenting. They rarely complained in an overwhelming way. They had been 'trained' not to complain. If I get a spanking, the result is I feel softer. I don't complain either. There's a bit of mystery around this.

Having said that, I am at peace with a man saying to his wife, a wife that wants a power exchange with her man, 'I don't want you doing things this way, I want you to do them that way.' That way may just be his obsessive compulsive nature showing through, but nonetheless, if a woman wants that dynamic, I think it's perfectly all right to submit to his wants and desires. I say this assuming it is understood that the man and woman are equals (or whatever the make up of the couple), equally capable of running their own lives but don't necessarily want to.

I've been mulling the DD space and the D/s space, thinking about what makes it different and what makes it the same. In D/s and DD the man is expecting, demanding, respect, as in the D/s space, but in DD it feels to me that there is less respect for the woman/wife. In D/s you submit because you want to, because that arouses something deep in your core, your soul. You may have all the degrees, the big career, the prestige, the wealth, not to submit, and yet you do, because it just makes senses to your inner being and to your sexuality. Not once in all the dozens of comments I read by women on that site did even one talk about how aroused it all made her. Maybe she thought it was wrong to admit to it. I simply do not know.

In my own marriage, things were not going well at all at the same time as the hypnotist and I met one another, via his podcast. He assured me he could sort things out. It was sort of hit and miss for a time, but he was right. A lot came right, came back on line, once we both started treating one another respectfully and in a D/s sort of way.

How did that happen? Well, he cleared my husband of a lot of pent up negative emotions. He led me deeper into what we call my slave mentality. He got us having intense sex again. It wasn't DD doctrine but rather making both people responsible for the sexual dynamic. It was very much about me developing boundaries. I didn't see any evidence of the DD wives having boundaries. That's another difference I noted. In one case, a woman wrote in who was clearly being abused, and there was no suggestion for her to start creating boundaries about what she would not tolerate. There was no talk about being two independent people and creating interdependence; none that I could see.

I think too the hypnotist encouraged my husband to give me autonomy, to delegate if you like, tasks to me. This was a log jam for us that needed to be cleared. I am someone who needs to achieve progress. Hold me back and I am going to experience extreme frustration.

I am not here to say that spanking isn't effective, or can be effective, to achieve necessary changes. There's a certain necessary humility in a D/s power exchange that's part of the deal, and a spanking can achieve that humility. I know I feel more myself when I am bossed around, in whatever capacity. If you want to tap into that slave mindset that sits there, like an itch that needs to be scratched, spanking can do it.

But, on this DD website I was reading, it's such a go-to that it seems bordering on something else. I don't know. It just seemed...excessive...brainwashing, and not in a good way.

It's not entirely black and white here. The hypnotist, a long-time player in the M/s space believes passionately that there are far too many 'good guys' and he is not alone. He's not a punisher though, not these days, but rather doesn't reward. He's seen too many broken men to not want to encourage the masculinity of a man and the femininity of a woman.

I argue that submission is a wiring thing. You can bring it out in someone whose submission is latent or unexpressed, but I don't think you can make a woman who has no interest in a power dynamic suddenly become submissive. You can encourage mutual respect, respectful and useful communication models, ways of sorting through conflict. There has to be deep deep trust before you can go further into a marriage structure that encompasses a power exchange.

My fantasy world swims in an intense dynamic and my mind tries it all on; everything. There is a saying: 'Take the best and leave the rest'. I try on intensity; all these harsh spankings for not getting the laundry done, for example, and then I let the thought go. The hypnotist suggested that if I needed to feel the control more, I devise a nonsense rule that made it clear I wanted to feel the power, so to speak. It could be laundry, I guess. It could also be...hmmm...(I've had such trouble figuring something...) not making dinner. THAT would get his attention. I'm not sure I would use it more than once. Maybe not turning down the bed. It's a rule and he would notice if I stopped doing it. I think he'd realize I needed to feel it.

I truly like the idea of containment, of expectations, of feeling into myself in this way, but DD does not sound fun. It doesn't sound fluid, flirty or fun. It doesn't sound like it's loaded with pleasure (a word that I think is a loaded trigger...). By God, though, horses couldn't have dragged me away from reading there for quite a few days. 

Acceptance

 I had a brief but poignant exchange with someone who was recommended to me. He made the comment that if we were to work together for a limited time, the work would center around Acceptance.

I mulled this over several days; one of those statements that confirms my own feelings but brought those feelings more into present moment awareness.

Today, I searched for times in this online journal when I might have written about acceptance, and I see that over the years I have had the thought on my mind a number of times to the extent that I wanted to journal those feelings.

Acceptance, to my mind, isn't about giving up, about giving up hope for something better, but it is about facing the reality of the situation you find yourself confronted with. As much as one might find the phrase 'it is what it is' a bit glib, there's so much truth to it.

I know someone who likes to think he can adjust the natural order of things if he only puts his mind to it. Why suffer with all those levels - anger, sadness, denial and so forth - before you get to acceptance? Why not just jump them all and go straight to Acceptance? Perhaps that's possible, but I don't think it is.

When I was younger, much younger, I had an abundance of positivity. I was convinced I lived in 'the lucky country' (still do) and more personally, I was convinced that I was protected by a 'guardian angel'. In terms of the guardian angel, I think this protected me, at the same time as it did not allow me to see what was right in front of me, which, for a small and vulnerable child, was probably a blessing, and a rather smart thing to believe.

When my husband told me he had been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, I definitely didn't go straight to acceptance. I do wonder if the more invincible someone seems, the least likely one is to accept such a thing. In the months that followed I was sometimes sad, sometimes angry, sometimes disbelieving. Like, are you sure they know what they are talking about?  I didn't so much disbelieve what I was told as I figured we'd solve it, like we solve everything. 

The mind can be mad, and I remember saying to him one day, 'I can't believe you are even considering leaving me with all this mess to clean up. Where will I even start?' It was a poor me thing, a cry for help, disbelief, overwhelm, and a call to action.

It's several months later since that day, and I find respite in similar ways to those I began to use many years ago now. I meditate in a way, in a space and place where 'the problem never existed in the first place'; complete lack of ego; complete nothingness; no mind.

I explain it to my husband in the hope he will join me in this space, but he repeatedly says that he is too stressed with too much to do to take the time. I say, but it in those times that you must visit that space. Your mind and body need a break.

There's a huge benefit to getting to acceptance of a situation as fast as humanly possible. It avoids a great deal of personal pain, for starters. It's an acknowledgement that you are part of the human experience, and that suffering comes to us all. You're not special after all, there is no guardian angel and bad stuff happens to good people.

Once you hit acceptance - this really is happening - then you can see ahead of you all sort of things to assist the situation; ways to make things better. You can dig deep to polish up your empathy skills, and you find ways to nurture yourself, to accept that this is hard and you need to take care of yourself too, so you are there for your loved ones. Always put on your own oxygen mask first.

I follow a few very special people around the world who fuel me with their wisdom and kindness. High on the list is Henry Shukman and I offer you here, to those who might benefit from his beautiful heart, the  final words of his poem, Resistance:

'...do nothing, be still,

stay just where we are,

sit right here,

on the very fence,

exactly on the blade

of reluctance itself,

just here, where we least

want to be, where it seems

it must hurt the most.

But it's here that the blade

already knows

what it needs to do.

And if we could just let it, then finally it could do

what it was always meant to.

And we would fall open,

until there's nothing left

in the middle

except a silent space

which everything is free to fill,

and the whole world can pour

into that one blessed gap.'

Portals

 I listen frequently to a meditation inspired by the work of Joe Dispenza. Joe likes to take the person to a sense of being in space, of surrendering all the past hurts and negative emotions, the pain, the disease to what is sometimes called Source. It's a place where all identity and personality are stripped away. You are nothing, nobody, nowhere.

You surrender all the tightness, stiffness, rigidity, worry and in return you receive a sense of calm, equanimity, harmony. I found my mind this morning landing on the word 'harmony'. Isn't it such a lovely word!

It's been an interesting process lately as my mind has been letting go of unfulfilled expectations. I didn't will this to happen, couldn't have done that if I tried. I am simply noticing what is happening - the falling away of expectations of certain outcomes. Maybe one could call it being very present. I really do think the meditation is having a very soothing effect on me.

It can be a bit of a tightrope experience, life, doing one's best to achieve best outcomes, not just for oneself but those we love...and then accepting that we only have so much control over our experiences.

And, maybe that's a good thing, in a way, part of the journey on this planet, to cede to the mystery.

It's an interesting phenomenon to cede to the mystery, at the same time as recognizing the messages of our bodies. Maybe the ego wants this, but the spirit wants that. Who are you going to listen to? There's definitely more than one voice in our heads, as you would know if you sat and listened for a while - competing voices at that.

In the midst of the above meditation, there's a whole lot of nothingness, which is truly divine (and why I love good masterful sex). Within that nothingness there's an openness too - mystery tinged with curiosity. It's like the slight opening of an unknown portal; a new experience of You.

Dom training

 It seems to be official, according to those in the know, that it's the women wanting to express their submission to a man (in a heterosexual relationship). It's the women expressing their intense frustration that they can't find a (good) man to submit to. It's the women who are ready, willing and waiting.

This is why I can't understand why there are people at the ready to train the submissive, but oh so few people who take it upon themselves to train the Dom.

I wrote these notes from something that Om wrote.

"A Dom snatches control. He has to want for her more than she wants for herself. He has to have the desire and the caliber to take her into the depths of her chaos, to hold her there no matters what happens and then he needs to have the skill, strength and stamina to bring her back and land her safely from her chaos and restore her to form."

Now, that takes some work and practice, doesn't it? Not necessarily innate?

It's no shame to get trained to perform this magic. They didn't call it 'the dark arts' for no reason.

Fear

 Although I do feel into the sense of my body during yoga experiences, I am aware I am not good at visually creating new worlds inside my head. However, if you don't try, you can't improve, and so I tried it this morning whilst I was waking up. 

An image flashed up of a deep forest, that is one tall, relatively thin tree beside another tall, relatively thin tree, there being thousands of such tall and thin trees. I was somewhere in the middle of it. A well-known phrase popped in - can't see the forest for the trees.

I purposefully made myself see some more detail. Not surprisingly for me, I looked for danger. Was there a poisonous snake in a tree, or some four-legged dangerous animal hiding just out of view? I detected nothing. It seemed to be me and the forest, nothing more.

Then, I noticed that the sun was casting light into the forest, almost like a sign, a signpost. I may be thick in the forest and unsure what to do, but the sun was shining; light; hope.

As I think about it now, it reminds me of an experience long ago when I had my first child. Thinking that there would be oodles of free time, I signed myself up for a Graduate Diploma of Education. Whilst the baby slept one afternoon I prepared for a multiple-choice exam on 'Education Psychology', but I suspect I felt unprepared on the day; you know, nervous. (Folks, if you haven't figured it out yet, I'm a nervous Nelly.) 

When I turned the paper over, it looked like gobbledygook. I took a breath and told myself I must remember something from the study and bit by bit I realized that I knew pretty much all the answers. It was like a light coming on, at first dim and then getting brighter and brighter until I could see crystal clear.

That's how it was in the forest; at first totally intimidating, but as my courage grew, I started to form a plan. I started to sense that I had the inward strength to get myself out of this situation safely.

There's another part of me, though, that enjoys a little fear; that inner knowing that I have to push myself out of my comfort zone; to be willing to take more chances.

Now, what might a psychologist say about this? Obvious. Fear of failure. Maybe doubting one's own abilities to deal with the unknown; to face danger square in the eye and say, 'I am not afraid'.

It's an interesting thing that as you sit with a sense of danger, feel into it, the intense discomfort of it in a bodily sense, the feeling starts to dissipate; becomes more distant. You can walk yourself out of the forest, which is what I did.

P.S. I went looking to see if I wrote about fear before and look at this from 2011: Vesta's submission: Fear (vestassubmission.blogspot.com) 

Me

Could I be clearer in the way I express myself? Is there something about the way I express myself open to interpretation? I don't have a flowery or poetic way of writing sentences, so I just don't understand how I could be misunderstood. 

Here's the deal:

- I am a one-man woman. I have always been so. My lifelong fantasy which I wished to make my reality was to be loved by ONE man and for me to love him.

- I am not into and wish for myself NO swingers parties, NO group sex with men or women. 

- By this definition, I am NOT a SLAVE. If an Owner asked me to do these things, I would try, but it would be so against the natural order of my brain and soul that I think I would ultimately be forced to leave the union.

- I am a conventional, old-fashioned sort of gal. I just want MY man all to myself. I want to be in a D/s dynamic with him. I want to know to the core of my being, regularly, minute by minute, that I am HIS and he is MINE.

- I am happy to work hard. Hard work never bothered me, and I actually like it because I just like getting stuff done, transforming spaces, making the world a little bit better in all sorts of ways.

- But, I need play time; time to see the world; enough financial security for both of us to feel free. I am happy to work hard to achieve this; happy to play my part.

I have held down my deep and profound dismay of suggestions that I would find myself at a swingers party with my owner holding my leash whilst I licked some unknown man's anus. No judgment here; each to his own, and that includes me. That's not me.

Tell me, if you have read a smidgeon of my words here, does that sound like me?

I thought not.

Love

 This will be short. I don't mention it here too much or in my life generally, with the children or extended family or friends. I guess we are both being stoic, he and I.

However, I am the spouse of a man who has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, and for some reason today I want to say that, to myself.

I want to acknowledge that I may lose, earlier than we ever anticipated, my husband whom I married 43 years ago.

One's brain does everything to save the Self pain and my brain is no different. I can assure myself my husband will beat the odds and be totally healed. It actually is possible.

The facts are thus: I would be devastated to lose him. I have loved him, and he has loved me for nearly 50 years.

I have the rather unenviable ability to imagine the future, of walking into our holiday home, a place he loves, when he is gone, and that moment fills me with intense sadness. 

It makes me realize how very much I love him.

A note to self: to cherish each day.

Containment

 Please do forgive me if you are tired of hearing about Om. He is just so impressive and it's not just me. I send my husband episodes of his podcast that stand out to me, and he agrees, he has an important message to offer.

So, Om, as you might have already read here, speaks a lot about containment. He was asked in interview what that word means to him. I can't remember all his words, but the gist of the thing is that men and women have certain expectations of each other that is the same no matter in which era we live. Women want to be able to be supported by a man; to have a man settle them. It's up to the man, Om says, for his women to be contained by his masculine energy.

I would like to offer an example from my little orbit. My third child is quiet most of the time, until he decides to talk, in which case he has a lot to offer on a particular subject. Girls have been an important component in his life but it's this recent one, the one to whom he is engaged that has made for a very happy relationship.

He hasn't changed all that much over time, but the other girls were definitely codependent on him. He was, and this is his mother talking, far too good to them. The one before this one was a nice girl but she didn't have respect for him. His grandmother acutely observed the situation and assessed that "she has to go". Their whining and demands definitely got him down, and without space for himself, he took to becoming quite animated and excruciatingly frustrated. Her OCD was a factor here. I gently encouraged him of the view that he didn't owe her anything. He had to think of his own happiness.

This led to S, a charming, respectful and tender girl. At first, she seemed to have no issues, totally put together, until she started to reveal some of her childhood upbringing when it became clear that the anxiety we were seeing now that we had got to know her and love her was coming from those difficult situations.

This is where the containment comes in. She is a worrier. The boss at work is totally into himself. What if they can't find a house? What about her brother? She shares these worries with my son, and he has a way of containing the worry. 'Don't worry about the boss. When you are ready, there are plenty of jobs.' 'We will sort out your brother's situation together.' Or, he'll just be silly and make her giggle. He brings light to her dark and she greatly appreciates being offered the range of possibilities.

Sometimes, I have gone to my husband looking for containment, but he, being a bigger worrier than me, hasn't been able to contain me with his masculine energy. I think he is learning through these podcasts how important this skill is. I remember distinctly certain times when he was able to contain me; reassure me, and this means the world to me. 

This occurred quite recently when he assured me that the financial situation could be sorted; that we would work on it together. There's room to grow in the sensory realm. Words are good, strong hugs are equally important.

I'm not suggesting this is always easy for a man who may desire to dissolve into being contained by their woman. It's what their mothers did for them and no doubt it felt good. A woman is capable of this, for a time, of course. No-one is at their best all of their time.

As Om says, there is a place for that, but pretty much forget eros at those times.

Of course, when we endeavor to contain a situation, it doesn't necessarily work out and there are family folklore stories around this. We burst a tire one summer, on the way to the ferry that would take us to Block Island. Those tickets are bought months in advance, so the situation wasn't good. My husband said at one point, 'We aren't going to make it.' The children in the back no doubt were watching their holiday evaporate and I got a tap on the shoulder and a whisper in my ear, 

'Mum, are we going to make it?'

'Sure. We'll make it', I whispered back.

Well, we arrived, they called us onto the ferry, we drove on, they pulled up the barrier and we sailed off. We made it, by about five seconds.

A man (in this scenario, yes, it's a man) can't know what is to come, but most men will do anything and everything to make it right, safe, for their women and children. 

I think this is what a woman wants to tap into, time and time again. In spite of all her talents, ability to look after herself and so on, this is what she craves. I, like Om, tend to think this is hard wired.

Agreement

 The man I listen to from NYC, Om, made the simplest and yet the most important of points in one of his podcasts. If interested, you can find him on 'Om Rupani Podcast' and I listen on Spotify. 

He explained that couples who have been married for a considerable time will come to him because the marriage isn't currently in great shape, and they would like to try relating to one another with polarity; that is recognizing their differences. (D/s)

The problem Om sees often is that they want to try polarity, but they haven't been in agreement with one another for years, and it's the agreement component that first needs to be sorted.

I agree. If there is not agreement on important matters, it's going to be very hard to build a stable and fulfilling polarity (or D/s dynamic) on that weak structure.

In my marriage, disagreement began to surface many years ago. We had been in wonderful agreement about so very much, until differences in our investment style began to bite.

I had been reasonably comfortable with him assuming full responsibility for the finances, although I was always a more conservative investor than him, until the percentages of what was put into high risk made me exceptionally fearful.

I cannot speak for him, but I know my fears did not play into his decision making. He called the shots as he saw them, and I felt that my shared thoughts were being cast aside. I know this because he would say to me that I didn't understand the world of investment, share trading and so on. 

It caused a lot of friction because although money is only a means to an end, as he likes to say, money does dictate choices as well as a sense of safety. It can't save you from lots of things, but without high risk at one's heels, it's far more possible to relax and let go, knowing you don't have to worry about some financial disaster befalling you.

It's my sense of safety that I value. I think I got that from my mother and father who, admittedly, were cash-oriented people, because my brother is like me. We take care of our mother's portfolio and when interest rates went up last year, I suggested we avail ourselves of the new environment and put the cash into terms of deposit. We were both excited to think that whilst we slept, money was being made. It's just our conservative minds. As my brother likes to say he will never be mega rich, but nor will he be a pauper.

So, that's where my husband and I are not in sync. He's far more comfortable with risk.

I read somewhere that there are one or two matters over which most couples will always be in disagreement. I think this is our disagreement, our only disagreement. It's a big one though because when things don't go his way, it can affect us for years, lead to other difficulties; have long lasting repercussions.

Yet, this is the way it is and maybe the way it was always going to be. People who reflect on the state of the world sometimes make the point that from an evolutionary perspective where we are is where we were always going to be, and maybe that's the way it is in my marriage too. It was always going to be thus.

What to do about it? So, over time I created some boundaries. These days, I need to know what I am signing. 

I adjust the story too so that my sense of safety is not so compromised. Sure, the cash isn't there, but the assets are. It's all fine really. If push comes to shove, there's a way to correct the situation. As my risk analysis son says to me, 'You have choices, Mum, most people don't have choices.' Very true. 

So, I retell myself the story, accept what must be done in the short term; have faith; allow my nervous system to settle.

I wouldn't exactly say that I have come to agreement over this matter, but nor am I in disagreement. I am on board, moving as one.

And so, the D/s has a firm foundation on which to rest. Our style and sense of what it means to be financially stable is very different, but it doesn't mean we aren't okay. 

To put it another way, how much pain do you want to feel before you just let it go and relax?

Wants and needs

 I have been listening to a series of podcasts entitled 'Power in Practice'. They are quite old, some dating back to 2008, but they are incredibly good. In some ways, the small group of people who published them were experimental, looking to see how to best run a polyamory family, or multiple dominant households.

From the comments made I think it's fair to say that the dominants of the group tend towards extreme dominance and that the submissives of the group were carefully selected to be willing to accept and be at least relatively comfortable with that sort of extreme dominance.

Flagg made the point that romantic love complicates a D/s structure and I think most people can agree on that point. My husband listened along to some of it and I heard him say, sort of to himself, 'I don't agree with that' or 'I could never do that'. 

The hypnotist who we engaged to assist us in setting up a D/s structure again together with dealing with some trauma we both needed to heal, said to my husband that I was born this way. I was born with a service mentality. I think that's right. To be of use to those I love, and even those I don't love, is a part of my personality. I not only do it willingly, I do it without even thinking about it. I slot into the secondary position like a duck waddling into water.

So, what I want is to be myself, to be the s of the D/s situation, not just to serve for serving sake, but to be comfortable in my skin, at one, in harmony. I need harmony, unobtainable to me outside of a D/s structure. 

So what I want and need is for my husband to fulfill his obligations as the D of the D/s arrangement.

Early in December, we were driving along the freeway when my husband said to me, 'Do you commit to stay married to me forever?'. 'Yes. Yes, I do', I said. 'And, do you commit to our dynamic being D/s forever?' 'Yes, Yes, I do.'  'I commit to that too,' he said. And, like that, the deal was sealed, never to be broken.

I can't say exactly how the hypnotist did his work. We would have started with my husband's therapy, but he wasn't ready, so we started with mine.

First, we dealt with some trauma I held, trauma that played out in the writings here, some confusion about my sexuality. Since I had been having masochistic fantasies from the earliest age, in some ways due to the neglect in my early life, I needed to go to that place and satisfy myself that it was I an adult, that wanted these things. It was I that wanted these things and that was okay.

D asked me towards the end of the first session what had changed and at first, I only noted little things; the little desk had been moved; the curtains had been opened. But then I saw me, not a little girl anymore, a fully-fledged woman.

"Oh my God, Oh my God, she's all grown up. She's all grown up."

Then, we dealt with the neglect, the inability to express myself emotionally as a child. We did forgiveness exercises, and most importantly, in my opinion, I had the experience of seeing myself as a young woman, around 30, blissfully happy in a relationship that was led by a man I loved. I was sitting at his feet, and we were happy and at peace.

This was what I wanted.

Immediately after the session I was sad, sometimes angry. I had felt what I wanted, maybe for a full minute, and I desperately wanted it back.

I wanted my husband to be engaged with me in a D/s relationship that was 24/7. I wanted to be responsible for being the best submissive I could be and I wanted him to be the best dominant that he could be.

D worked away at that. I don't know exactly how, but I do know that he feels that I need the structure that enables me to succeed at the submission.

We haven't formulated a contract as yet, but we see it as being one where we outline our responsibilities.

He is responsible for the relationship; to lead it and oversee it. I am responsible for being obedient and available; enticing and companionable.

We do little things right now. He puts a blindfold on me right before sleep. I have been sleeping very well and my husband noted that I seem very relaxed. 

I call him 'Sir' or 'Owner' but mostly Sir, unless other people can hear.

He initiates play. He shaves my pussy and that leads to play, but it can happen at any time. Orgasm on demand is expected. Until recently I didn't know that I could orgasm on demand. I didn't know that there were 12 different types of orgasm. 

Maybe most significant of all is that we are able to engage in conversation without fear of eruptions. We were both prone to be angered by each other and the therapy sorted that, maybe in equal parts with the new/renewed dynamic. I think he's far more reasonable now; far more willing to see his role in all this; that in spite of not being especially well, we have a life to live. This component had been missing for a long time and I found it soul crushing.

Back to the needs...I believe as a submissive that my whole body is his to play with and enjoy. I was trained this way and I think this way. I have experienced the benefits of thinking this way. I am aware that anal training isn't that difficult and on our 'to purchase' list is an inflatable dildo. We will write into the contract that I train with this at least twice a week, so that all three holes are available.

We will purchase a leather collar that he will place around my neck just before I go to sleep.

He wants more touch and I currently wash his back in the shower. I bring close to the shower our towels.

I think he listens to me more. He is no less opinionated, but I think he is more caring in that he is less self-involved. He still tends to what he must tend to but I suppose I would say that he is more relaxed too.

He corrects. Most particularly he reminds me of the Honorifics, cementing that down. He spanks, not soundly. I am not crying when he does it, but I get the point. I don't want and nor do I choose to be in trouble.

With him I don't have to worry about being asked to do something well outside of commonsense. He's not going to ask me to stand naked in the traffic. He's never going to put me at risk, and I would never want that sort of play anyway. He said to me some hours ago that he could never imagine loaning me out as some dominants apparently do because his sense of responsibility for me would never allow me to potentially be put in harm's way. He simply does not have and nor does he need to have, a desire to push the bounds out to feel a certain way.

Om, a man from NYC I listen to talks a lot about containment, and interestingly I wrote a lot about containment in earlier years. Blindfolds, rope, silence, placed on a chair, whole body massage, feeling held down emotionally...I revel in all of this.

There's not the slightest resistance to thinking of myself as a submissive, or a Slave, or the one on the bottom; whatever you like to say. It is denial of my needs for that positioning that caused me so much distress, not at all the other way around.