Saturday, July 14, 2012

Courage

As I learn more and grow, progress and alter, I feel I know quite clearly what I would want to have. This, in fact, makes for far more challenge than I have ever had before because I know better than ever before that there is a big gap between what I would like to have and what I can have.

I see my husband trying to give me what I want and in his efforts to do so I also see that it is an effort he puts in for me. His focus isn't in it. He does (and probably must) maintain his focus on getting better. Ideally, he'd prefer that I look after myself and demonstrate empathy; be strong and stoic; patient and understanding; just that. This is not a time for a wanting and needy submissive but a time for a wife to exhibit strength.

I do wonder if it is time I 'let go' of what I want and focus more on what is. There is this sense that the writing here and the tendency to want something too much is causing me too much angst; far too much distress. It doesn't mean that my desires have changed but the relentless beating of my reality is so at odds with my dreams and fantasies that it has simply begun to hurt.

It is one thing to know that you heart beats faster and there is a lighter spring in your step when you feel your nature and can express that nature -  that you can live as you were meant to live - and another to understand that this part of your nature has no real current place to exist. To know that nature and what the expression of that nature can do and to not be able to express that nature is too incongruous for my mind to handle right now.

We have briefly discussed this and there is no easily identifiable answer except to say that first of all, he needs to get well. In his own mind the solution lies in his insisting that I become more involved. He very much wants me to come to him and tell me when I am in need; when I need him. I see his point of view and it may well work but I feel the hugest reluctance to do this and I have told him this. Still he insists. He says it is what he wants but I register this thought with heavy heart. I have only ever wanted what people have wanted to give to me. This directive goes against the grain of everything I know about myself - to go away and bleed alone when I am hurt.

Perhaps what I am experiencing is what all women experience when their husbands alter or grow unwell. As much as you want to aid them and empathize with them, your heart is in mourning for the life you once had and the man you once had and abject fear controls your responses and the thoughts in your mind.

In my mind, one must always have hope that things will turn around. I have always woken up feeling hopeful. Yet, in the past weeks I have woken only half aware that my mouth is forming the word hopeless. Is this now hopeless? Is it time to give up?

Well, I'm better than that and stronger than that but there are some days when I do wonder where this journey has taken me and whether the price I have had to pay is too high. But then we're in the final days of a three week  school holiday vacation where I have had precious little time to get on with my own work and maybe you are reading the words of someone who is desperate for some privacy and a little peace.

8 comments:

  1. I was sitting down at my computer to write a post, but discovered you already wrote it for me. It's so hard when the one we rely on for all of this is not well. It most certainly alters the power exchange dynamic.

    Courage is most certainly needed at these times. I think also a bit of stubbornness, and determination are also needed. Somehow we will find a way to blend our needs into life as it is now.

    *Hugs*

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  2. Serenity: I think a few of us are going through similar issues right now. Perhaps it is the age and stage of life we are at. I think I'm very fearful of this kind of change particularly because (and I don't mean to imply that my husband has a terminal illness because he does not) I saw my mother nurse my father at home for the last year or more of his life before he died of cancer and I watched her nearly kill herself for him. She was utterly stoic and selfless but she was also drained and in enormous emotional pain and I think I may be in the denial stage, at the stage before there comes 'acceptance'. I just don't want to believe it. If you add in the fact that our children range vastly in ages, I've been involved in day to day mothering for over 27 years and I can't seem to get the space and time I need for myself to do my work. There's this enormous sense of frustration right now. God willing, it will all pass and there will be easier and better days to come.

    I am so sorry you are going through a difficult time also. My head tells me to just bunker down and let this time go by as easily as possible. I read that with chronic fatigue conditions etc. it's best to just let go responsibilities so that you can make them the focus. I've battled on with this course but if I read another word about Neomarxism or feminist theory and the like I think I'm at risk of telling them what I *really* think.

    Thinking of you and sending you my love. xx

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  3. Vesta, my heart goes out to you.

    I know from my experience that believing your husband and telling him at the moment must be the hardest thing ever.

    I always feel it is best to go off and bleed alone -- I never, ever want to tell anyone much less him.

    Certainly having a three week vacation with no time to yourself only makes it all the harder for you.

    I'm sure you'll come to grips with this.. but living in the midst of it all is so draining.
    Take care of yourself..
    hugs~~

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  4. Hi Vesta
    When one has reached this time in our lives, we have been running a 2 decade + emotional and physical endurance race. Children (love them dearly), parents, societal pressure to do it all while still fitting into a size 4, and financial pressures have wrung every ounce of energy and vibrancy from our hearts and bodies.
    Is it any wonder that we reach out for something that makes us feel renewed, cared for, and safe?
    Are we wrong to want to have this precious time for our own growth? I agree with Serenity - now is the time to turn that blind faith and dogged determination inward.
    Don't give up, Vesta. Everything will be okay.

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  5. Vesta
    And in quietness we sit, listening to the rhythm that motivates us, that fuels us, that tempers our soul. There is a reason for all we experience and a result of growth in all we endure.

    "And this too shall pass." Five simple words; however, they have done wonders for my spirit over the past 39 years.

    Thinking of you,
    xx
    ~a

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  6. Nancy: This is why women get together and talk. Thank you most genuinely for your words of support. Often, we just need someone to listen and tell us it be will okay, and it will.

    Lillian: Bless you for understanding. I sometimes feel I am being swallowed up whole by the people I love and who love me. As I type there is just one other person in the house sound asleep and already I feel much better. I very much need quiet time on my own to counteract the demands on my time at other times. Of course as far as the family are concerned if Mum's still cooking meals, then everything's okay! Thank you again.

    goodgirl: Wise words, my dear and wise of you to take them to heart as you have. When I get in a muddle, as I did yesterday, there's a part of my brain saying, "For God's sake, *breathe* woman and relax!" Now that I am experiencing silence the world seems a much, much nicer place. Thank you, as always.

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  7. AnonymousJuly 16, 2012

    Such an interesting subject. Several months ago I began to ask for what I need and/or want from people, after a lifetime of taking whatever they wanted to give me. I don't know why I didn't want to ask. I expected them to do the right thing, or give it to me without my asking.

    So I began to do this. I would at first have to force myself to do it, because it was so out of my comfort zone. I have been so very pleasantly surprised because up to this point no one has said no. And in many cases, I get more than I ask for. Let me say that I am not in a romantic relationship right now so the context is different from your asking your husband.

    I have not, by the way, had to be manipulative to get what I want, or overly aggressive or even very assertive. Just politely asking, like a child might do, in a kind, respectful but still direct way.

    I suppose if I was married and my husband told me I needed to ask, I would take the going to him and asking as part of my submission to him.

    Susan

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  8. Susan: Well done you! I think that's very good advice. I remember my first group meditation teacher talking about the fact that she often felt unattached to the love that people were trying to give her and her goal was to be more open to receiving that love. I related to that because sometimes I don't feel that love, even if it is all around me. I feel a bit isolated. My confidence can dip in the same way. I actually wrote to my tutor in one subject yesterday saying that I think I have taken on too much this semester. She settled me down and said that everything was on track and she had no concerns about me whatsoever. But, I didn't *feel* that. So, in the same way, I could call on friends or family and ask for help but it rarely occurs to me to do so. My husband wants me to ask for help or care rather than pine away or feel lost on my own. This is a big challenge but one well worth taking. Thank you very much for your sage comments here.

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