The leader and the personal assistant

We had a book club meeting recently and since there were just four of us in town we decided to do it in style, meeting at a restaurant and having a long, leisurely lunch. Three of us shared a bottle of wine and the conversation flowed easily and rapidly across a vast terrain. Although I type a lot I actually don't talk a lot and especially not when with these girls. They love to talk and being the voyeur that I am, I like to listen until there's a gap and that's when I open up.

One of the women is a therapist; not a psychologist but a particular therapist offering a certain type of therapy to those people who need a new way of looking at their lives. Given that she's had a traumatic past herself  and has overcome that trauma to be happy I think she's in a good place to offer other people assistance now. I listen carefully for her little gems that she tends to drop into the conversation.

She said that when we choose a partner for life we tend to choose someone that will fill the void in us. This person usually can do something or be something or act in such a way as to give us abilities/characteristics that we don't as yet have.

I thought about that and I think this does apply to me. I met my husband at university and what I noticed about him right away was that, whilst he wasn't the life of the party or the court jester, he was much more extroverted than me; more adventurous and experimental.

I really needed a man like this. Although it may not have seemed that way to other people I was scared of my own shadow back then and unless someone launched me into life I was likely to lead a rather small life. It was my husband who taught me about farm life and how to deal with bulls charging at me and poisonous snakes who were coming at me; mice; discomfort; long hours of work.

It was my husband who took me overseas; who simply went round and round the Champs Elysee roundabout until he found the exit he next wanted to go. It was my husband who told me it would be all right. In the year we started going out I bought a poster to put on my college room wall and it was a photograph of a boy walking through a field all alone. The caption read

I don't know where I am going but I am on my way.

I've no idea now what exactly I was thinking when I was attracted enough to the poster to buy it but looking back it epitomized my new life with my future husband. I honestly had no idea where he was leading me but I was prepared to tag along.


Now, my friend also said that this thing about our spouse that completes us can go close to killing us. It is tremendously challenging in the long run to run up against that thing in ourselves that isn't all that comfortable and when our spouse has that thing in spades, that's deeply confronting.

What my husband has in spades is a desire for the novel; to test himself; to prove himself; to attempt to have a big score; to explore unknown territory; to hyper focus on an issue of interest; to protect; to demand; to insist; to have his own way; to procrastinate until he sees the whole picture; to want perfection above all else.

What comes naturally to me is to be careful; to be organized; to plan; to be vigilant; to look after; to nurture, to take baby steps towards a goal; to contemplate and consider; to focus on beauty and the aesthetic; to want momentum; to be safe.

As much as he completes me, he frustrates me and as much as I complete him, he finds me frustrating.

You might say...well, just as well there's a leader then...and perhaps this is so.

But, let's be clear that in relation to many things it is best that I lead and he knows this...best that I lead when organizing social and cultural events, best that I lead when organizing the lives of the children, best that I lead when maintaining a home or getting food into the house or getting us fed or determining what next to do in the renovation.

Now, this gets enormously tricky and huge wads of patience, understanding and quiet convincing are required. I want my way (to get things done) and he wants his way (to be left to do things at his own pace and in his own way even if that means they will never get done) and we have to find some middle road.

We also have to find the middle road between taking huge chances and thinking big (his tendency) and being careful and not risking too much (my tendency).

It's all a super duper delicate game of chess (which is unfortunate because I don't play chess and he does!)

I have heard this kind of relationship referred to as 'the electric energy' between a couple which means that they are likely to have the kind of relationship where they fight a lot and make up a lot and the fun is in the making up. Yes, it was like that for years and years until I discovered that one of my tendencies is to hate to fight and now I'm silent a lot more; wait out my time a lot more; stay vigilant for an opportunity to convince and cajole so that he may see through my lens from time to time. (Asking is good in theory and may work for many people but is not an adequate strategy in my case.)

It's the delicate argy-bargy required when a person like me discovers that she's the kind of gal that needs a leader but the leader needs a secretary.