A little loving

Last weekend I took my dogs over to our beautiful big gardens on the outskirt of the city. It was cold but it had been sunny all day, which was a real thrill given the grey skies lately, and I was really enjoying being out of doors amongst light-hearted people. It was still light but the light would fade fast and in half an hour there would darkness. I was walking fast to keep warm and to get around the gardens relatively fast when a man in his forties stopped me to ask some questions about my dogs. We discussed the breed for a few minutes and he got out his phone to show me photos of "my girl"  at home and eventually he said, "Well, I'll let you get on your way".

I decided to go through one of the gates to exit the gardens and then walk around the perimeter of the gardens to get back to my car when a man, late fifties, engaged me in conversation. He used the pretext of the dogs needing to socialize to begin a conversation with me and a good hour and half later we were still standing there talking. Well, I had suggested we commence walking to our cars at one point because I was starting to feel like an ice block but even when we got to my car he was still eager to share.

I saw it as a therapy session. The man desperately needed to talk about his life and I seemed a suitable candidate. He was quite a charming, well bred and well educated man. He is from a most esteemed and well-known family and the only time he seemed remotely shy about telling me his life story was when we shook hands just before I got in my car and we exchanged names. He worried that I might be a politician's wife and I assured him I wasn't. He suggested I look him up on Google and I did. The facts he had given me about his life were quite accurate. He was who he said he was.

What is significant about this man in terms of this space is his marriage. He has been married for, I'd say, 35 years to the one woman and they have had one child. She has her own business and when she's not doing that she tends to her many horses. The horses alone take up six hours of every day. They sometimes have business trips overseas, he said, but they don't go on holiday at all because of her commitment to the horses.

He talked of his many affairs and of the last affair in particular and he talked of how wonderful it is to get to know someone and feel their affection. He was in rhapsody about that.

"You sound lonely. Have you told your wife  how you feel?" I asked.

"Well, the horses are a big part of her life. I can't ask her to give them up," he replied.

There seemed no handy solution to his dilemma that I could offer and so I listened; just gave him my ear and made general comments, as seemed appropriate.

Thinking back on the conversation I offered almost nothing about myself or my personal feelings. I gave him opinions and assessments about various topics but not about me or the state of my marriage or my personal feelings. I doubt he had a clue as to whether I was feeling lonely or sad or happy and enriched. It just wasn't the point. He needed to talk and I was prepared to listen.

Is it fair to say that this man has sacrificed his happiness for his wife? I am not sure about that really because he opted not to be the breadwinner of the family. She makes the money and that gives him the opportunity to do his good deeds for the community at large, his lobbying, which provides him with much more satisfaction than a job could do. She may have sacrificed something in that marriage as well. It is awfully hard to say without knowing her side of the story as well.

He says that they are "better" now and that he's been a good boy since the last affair was exposed but he misses her (the lover) "terribly". I think he misses the affection; the conversation; the going to see a movie together; having a meal together.

"You know, when it rolls around to 8.30 pm you do say to yourself, 'Well, it would be rather nice to have dinner some time soon..."

I wondered to myself if he prepared dinner for his wife sometimes so that it was ready when she got back from the horses. I didn't ask about that. I didn't ask about hardly anything. It was all volunteered.

Perhaps this is what marriage is all about; about making compromises for one another. Yet, if one does not receive affection at home eventually one is tempted to find it in other quarters, I think. If someone offered him a happy home, a fire in the hearth and a home-cooked meal, a little affection and love, I think he'd be sorely tempted. He's not getting any younger and he is in desperate need of a little loving. We all need that.