Some mornings are stressful. We know this. This morning my son couldn't find an item that he carries with him at virtually all times and it really, really bothered him. Knowing that he was bothered, that upset me and I did what I could to find it, to no avail. Dropping him off at school, I encouraged him to "let it go" for now and perhaps once his mind was more relaxed the memory of what had happened would return. I empathize greatly because I feel very out of sorts when I don't have things in their place and I know what he goes through when he loses something too.
We talked about all this last year, the therapist and I. She said that perhaps I was putting too much stock in how distressed someone else in my life was feeling. In relation to another son she said, "While you are fretting over the exchange he's on the tram happily listening to his I Pod." Good point...I guess. It's hard for me to think about someone I care about in distress, especially if my behavior might have caused them any distress. It's what you might call being too empathic or having too strong a sense of guilt.
Later in the morning, I made myself go to Pilates class. I thought it my best shot to 'let go' of my sense of being stressed out. I know all the relaxation strategies now but with each passing day I am finding it harder and harder to be around obsessive-compulsive behavior. I want very much to just let the day come and to handle it in a calm state of mind.
People who live alone or maybe just with a partner probably have no idea what I am talking about. Unless you've been in the chaos of family life and one or more children have special needs of one kind or another you can't understand (and I wouldn't expect you to understand) how all these distractions and mini-crises trigger the senses for flight or fight, with multiple physiological responses. Of course, they are the teeniest tiniest of crises and they come and go. They are the daily grist of the mill for parents and partners of perfectionist-oriented people and the trick becomes to be aware of the tension around you, but not to let it make you tense. I keep working on this; to let it pass through me.
However, I keep moving forward to the thought that whilst I want dominance I'd prefer a rather delicate sort of dominance these days. I want the dominant to be calm; in control of himself; at peace; settled. This calm approach to life and crisis of all types would then encourage me to be settled. I want him to be a good role model for me. I want him to tell me calmly that everything will be all right in the end and if it's not all right, then it's not the end.
I've been surrounded by hot-heads and obsessive-compulsive anal retentives all my life. God bless them. It's take one to know one and I understand their complex, driven minds. However, the pleasure of a quiet man, a calm and settled person is a drawcard, I must say. It makes me think of hugs and smiles; pats on the head; someone being pleased with me; listening to gentle music; drinking soft-palette wine; nights on the porch in summer and nights by the fire in winter. It is a comforting thought for me; a gentle, wistful sort of thought which very much suits my desired state of mind. It is said that men soften with maturity; that they are gentle and compassionate with age and maturity. No wonder women enjoy the company of the older man.
We talked about all this last year, the therapist and I. She said that perhaps I was putting too much stock in how distressed someone else in my life was feeling. In relation to another son she said, "While you are fretting over the exchange he's on the tram happily listening to his I Pod." Good point...I guess. It's hard for me to think about someone I care about in distress, especially if my behavior might have caused them any distress. It's what you might call being too empathic or having too strong a sense of guilt.
Later in the morning, I made myself go to Pilates class. I thought it my best shot to 'let go' of my sense of being stressed out. I know all the relaxation strategies now but with each passing day I am finding it harder and harder to be around obsessive-compulsive behavior. I want very much to just let the day come and to handle it in a calm state of mind.
People who live alone or maybe just with a partner probably have no idea what I am talking about. Unless you've been in the chaos of family life and one or more children have special needs of one kind or another you can't understand (and I wouldn't expect you to understand) how all these distractions and mini-crises trigger the senses for flight or fight, with multiple physiological responses. Of course, they are the teeniest tiniest of crises and they come and go. They are the daily grist of the mill for parents and partners of perfectionist-oriented people and the trick becomes to be aware of the tension around you, but not to let it make you tense. I keep working on this; to let it pass through me.
However, I keep moving forward to the thought that whilst I want dominance I'd prefer a rather delicate sort of dominance these days. I want the dominant to be calm; in control of himself; at peace; settled. This calm approach to life and crisis of all types would then encourage me to be settled. I want him to be a good role model for me. I want him to tell me calmly that everything will be all right in the end and if it's not all right, then it's not the end.
I've been surrounded by hot-heads and obsessive-compulsive anal retentives all my life. God bless them. It's take one to know one and I understand their complex, driven minds. However, the pleasure of a quiet man, a calm and settled person is a drawcard, I must say. It makes me think of hugs and smiles; pats on the head; someone being pleased with me; listening to gentle music; drinking soft-palette wine; nights on the porch in summer and nights by the fire in winter. It is a comforting thought for me; a gentle, wistful sort of thought which very much suits my desired state of mind. It is said that men soften with maturity; that they are gentle and compassionate with age and maturity. No wonder women enjoy the company of the older man.
Yes. Oh yes. My kids are adults now, out on their own. I divorced their dad three years ago and happily live with my dear friend and roommate and her two wonderful doggies. Such peace.
ReplyDeleteWhile I believe I am now ready to "meet someone," no hot heads need apply. = )
Susan
You articulate it so well, Vesta.
I can relate, Vesta. I react to every crisis like it is D-Day, and time to storm the beaches. Sometimes it is a good thing, but usually it is bad for me and everybody else. I labour under the belief that if I am not directing traffic, chaos will ensue - I am working on it and this lifestyle is helping. I have to submit control to my husband, and he gets the final word. For some mysterious reason, I feel emancipated not shackled this submission. I don't understand it, but it is helping me cope with the many calamities involved with family life. Good luck and God Bless.
ReplyDeleteSusan: It can be perplexing to be around people who are so emotional but part of the reason for that is that I am capable of being emotional too. It's funny because I've had a week on my own and my husband has had a week on his own and we both feel very calm right now; peaceful. A little time away from each other did us good. My husband says that I'd find a very mellow man maddening; that I'd probably drive him crazy eventually because I'd be trying to rev him up, wanting some action. Mellow is very pleasant but I do want some action too. I kinda want it all, I think. You've had time to yourself now and time to think about what you want. That's a very good thing, I think, and now that you are ready to meet someone the vibes will be there and I am sure you will meet someone. Big hug.
ReplyDeleteLillian: It's working for you and that's fantastic! It works for me too to know that I don't have final control at the same time as it works for me to take charge of certain aspects of our lives and allow him to get on with other aspects. I've worked hard at staying calm and working through the days without letting little things (and big things) bother me. However, I have noticed time and time again that I can't stand losing things or even things being lost that I didn't lose. I don't know if this is some sort of 'depression mentality' or what but it's a little control thing that I continue to struggle with. I heard my son's therapist say last year, "Well, what if you did lose your record book, what's the worst thing that could happen??" and I try to tell myself this, but it is still a struggle.