Last night just before I went off to sleep I gave myself the little treat of reading a few people's blogs. One link led to another and I found myself on the blog of a man who wrote that he wasn't interested in submissives. He wanted a slave.
From there he went on to discuss his feelings about a woman whose blog he had read who must surely have self-esteem issues, he determined, because she objected to a Dominant using 'abandonment' techniques.
He felt this a ridiculous thing to suggest and he strongly disagreed because what if the man was going out of town for four days? What would happen to the her then? No. She clearly needed to work on herself before she could give herself over to a Dominant if she thought he wasn't going to do whatever he wanted to do and that included abandoning her as he thought fit.
First of all, blind Freddy knows that the woman wasn't talking about her man going out of town for four days and leaving her on her own. That's not abandoning her; that's going out of town for four days. Abandonment is when the Dominant breaks off contact and/or communication with you as a mean of discipline or for some other emotional/psychological reason, without explaining himself. Abandonment is when the submissive is left bereft and in emotional pain. Abandonment is when the submissive is left confused and feeling unloved.
I sat back on my pillows and tried to get into the mind of a man who would write and would think such things. I think he was totally genuine and sincere in what he wrote. I think he believed it. So, I ask myself, are there men in the world who simply don't have the empathic gene? Are there men in the world who intentionally cause emotional pain to a woman; who can't find it in themselves to walk in her shoes and understand what it is to have a submissive nature and to be intentionally treated in this way...or even sub-consciously treated this way? Does one's heart not speak to them and demand that they communicate with their submissive and find a better way to deal with the issue at hand?
I've seen what happens when men fall out of love with their wives (and fall in love with another woman). I don't blame them necessarily for that, of course, but I do question why the love and the life they shared for over three decades is forgotten as they make financial settlements so arduous and painstaking and as they distance themselves from the children they once bounced on their knee.
Are there some men whose hearts are permanently in winter? I have to believe this is so from what I read. The definition of abandonment is: 'To withdraw one's support or help from, especially in spite of duty, allegiance, or responsibility; desert: abandon a friend in trouble." Is that what a man is entitled to do with the woman who has given herself to him? That's okay? That's kosher?
Communication failures are going to happen because as clever as we are, we're human and inclined to make mistakes. I can understand a man temporarily abandoning a woman, perhaps even unwittingly, and I can understand a woman temporarily feeling abandoned but the man returning to her to make his real feelings for her and the purpose of his actions understood. But, to say that abandoning her is his right? Oh boy, that really stinks.
From there he went on to discuss his feelings about a woman whose blog he had read who must surely have self-esteem issues, he determined, because she objected to a Dominant using 'abandonment' techniques.
He felt this a ridiculous thing to suggest and he strongly disagreed because what if the man was going out of town for four days? What would happen to the her then? No. She clearly needed to work on herself before she could give herself over to a Dominant if she thought he wasn't going to do whatever he wanted to do and that included abandoning her as he thought fit.
First of all, blind Freddy knows that the woman wasn't talking about her man going out of town for four days and leaving her on her own. That's not abandoning her; that's going out of town for four days. Abandonment is when the Dominant breaks off contact and/or communication with you as a mean of discipline or for some other emotional/psychological reason, without explaining himself. Abandonment is when the submissive is left bereft and in emotional pain. Abandonment is when the submissive is left confused and feeling unloved.
I sat back on my pillows and tried to get into the mind of a man who would write and would think such things. I think he was totally genuine and sincere in what he wrote. I think he believed it. So, I ask myself, are there men in the world who simply don't have the empathic gene? Are there men in the world who intentionally cause emotional pain to a woman; who can't find it in themselves to walk in her shoes and understand what it is to have a submissive nature and to be intentionally treated in this way...or even sub-consciously treated this way? Does one's heart not speak to them and demand that they communicate with their submissive and find a better way to deal with the issue at hand?
I've seen what happens when men fall out of love with their wives (and fall in love with another woman). I don't blame them necessarily for that, of course, but I do question why the love and the life they shared for over three decades is forgotten as they make financial settlements so arduous and painstaking and as they distance themselves from the children they once bounced on their knee.
Are there some men whose hearts are permanently in winter? I have to believe this is so from what I read. The definition of abandonment is: 'To withdraw one's support or help from, especially in spite of duty, allegiance, or responsibility; desert: abandon a friend in trouble." Is that what a man is entitled to do with the woman who has given herself to him? That's okay? That's kosher?
Communication failures are going to happen because as clever as we are, we're human and inclined to make mistakes. I can understand a man temporarily abandoning a woman, perhaps even unwittingly, and I can understand a woman temporarily feeling abandoned but the man returning to her to make his real feelings for her and the purpose of his actions understood. But, to say that abandoning her is his right? Oh boy, that really stinks.
I was going to bed and then this post popped up, oh well good enough reason to have another glass of wine.
ReplyDeleteThe first thing that struck me was where he said he wanted a slave, i thought does this mean that slaves should accept abandonment? does this mean a slave has no right to feel emotional pain, to be cherished, to be cared for?
Is this how he separates a slave from a submissive?
To be dominant and to 'master' a submissive or slave to me means being responsible, having integrity, to abandon a sub/slave callously without explanation shows none of these traits in my mind...the complete opposite in fact.
I do think unfortunatley there are men and women out there that do behave in this way and really think its acceptable, they probably have difficulty maintaining a relationship but place the blame on others when it does go wrong.
Its very sad how a dominant (and i use that term lightly) can think its acceptable to abandon someone he is supposed to care for, physically and emotionally.
tori
A really interesting post..and on the face of it, the man in question does seem to have a skewed view on his right as a dominant to use abandonment techniques. Maybe he is arguing he holds the right to do it? Does he take this further and examine whether it is correct to exercise this right.
ReplyDeleteMy understanding is a submissive woman or man (is there a difference with a slave or is it just another lable of degrees in expression of the D/s dynamic?) gives willingly of their submission to their Dom. The Dom, in all I've read and discovered, gives his assurance that he will look after his sub in every way..to be there and available to her so as to maintain her safety, health and well being. A Noblesse Oblige so to speak. Responsibility for a subs well being does not seem to sit comfortably with the theory of abandonment technique. A sub is by her very nature in the most vulnerable of positions. Abandonment seems to me to be a cruel and unjust punishment. Yes a Dominant may have every right to use it..but the question is ought he use it?
I would be interested in reading the blog posts in question.
painspleasure: His notion as I understand it was that a "Master" shouldn't change his punishments because of the fragility of the slave. To take that to its natural conclusion he is entitled and would, I assume, use abandonment as he saw fit just as he would any other punishment. It was up to the slave to have strong self esteem which a Master could not help her with, apparently. It is all double-dutch to me.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you. If you need to be away from someone you explain exactly why and when you'll be back, just as you would to any other person in your life. You don't leave the person for whom you are responsible and for whom you care in an emotional state of confusion and upset. There can be cooling off periods, I think, time allowed to think about what has happened but I find his type of thinking odd. I'm afraid I don't follow the argument at all.
tori: I've emailed the link to you because I'd rather not publish the link here. You're right, he does have the right just as we all have the right to do nasty and mean things to someone but ought we do those things? Good point.
Submissive women who connect so closely to their Dominant are very vulnerable and a disconnection is very painful. I think a Dominant does have a responsibility to act with integrity and it is hard to justify abandonment as being in that category, in my opinion. Sometimes in M/s relationships there are ways of thinking that sorta defy logic and maybe this is one of those times. If someone could explain it, that would be helpful.
Just my first thought is my own personal experience, not surprising I suppose. My ex-husband (when we were married) would give me the silent treatment/cold shoulder and it felt cruel and very much like being abandoned. (This was not a cooling off period; this was days of being completely ignored.)
ReplyDeleteI imagine between two consenting adults, anything the two of them negotiate is acceptable. And a master/slave relationship is by definition one in which the master can do whatever he chooses, but what is accomplished by abandoning someone? I don't see how it's helpful. I think it would be especially painful for a submissive woman, even more so than it would be for someone who did not have submissive tendencies.
I would also like someone who understands to explain it, as I don't want my own personal experience to cause me to dismiss it out of hand.
Susan
Susan: I imagine that felt just like abandonment. I am sure it was a painful experience. One has to ask what can be achieved by such a strategy. Somewhere within the pages of this journal you will find at least a few examples where there was a 'disconnect', let's call it, and there was a reason behind it. It's not too strong a word to call it 'punishment' for not meeting expectations or maybe he might have categorized it a 'correction' of the dynamic. Whilst it wasn't comfortable, it had a purpose. I've experienced it differently too whereby there was a long unexplained silence without a discussion first about the tenor of that silence and I experienced that as full blown abandonment. It mystified me. It can only have a positive purpose, I believe, if the Dominant makes every effort to ensure a reconnection as fast as humanly possible. Otherwise, it is cruel. That's my opinion.
ReplyDeleteVesta
ReplyDeleteAbandonment is a very harsh punishment and one I believe should be done carefully. With that said though whenever me and Master train a new toy I explain very early on that in our home we rarely punish, we provide corrections; however, the one and only punishment that is given is time away from us and the only way to receive such a punishment is to lie. Example: toy tells a lie to me or Master. Punishment is 30 days without any contact whatsoever. No e-mailing, no telephone, no messaging, no leaving comments on either of our journals or on her journal from us. This indeed is a an extreme punishment and would easily fall under abandonment for many people. It is this extreme because for us a lie is never acceptable and when it comes to training we have to have 100% trust in her therefore she must learn immediately how grave her error is. We both acknowledge just how brutal a punishment that is; however, it is not a surprise for the toy for we tell her in the beginning, it is written clearly in her contract which she has a copy of and in her daily mantra. She is aware of the consequences should she tell a lie therefore I have no unsettled feelings for enforcing such a punishment.
If abandonment is to be used as punishment I do believe the submissive should be aware of what could cause such a punishment so that she can avoid it or at the very least be prepared for it in case she errors. Knowing ahead of time will help a little to mentally prepare for such a long absence.
Just my two cents.
xx
~a
goodgirl: Thank you for your input.
ReplyDeletegod. i am going through this for the first time after a year in D/s relationship. it's my first time in this dynamic and he is experienced. i am suffering greatly. is anyone on here?
ReplyDeleteAnon: I'm not sure of your situation. I read over this post and I'm guessing you relate to what I said about a man intentionally abandoning his submissive, as a form of correction or discipline. Is that right?
ReplyDeleteIn my experience, some Dominants are very prepared to be callous in the name of training. They'll do what they think they need to do in order to get a submissive to understand that he is in charge and what he says goes; in other words, to cement the dynamic.
Or/and, maybe he is hurt by some actions of yours. A man who has been shamed in his childhood may react by withdrawing if he feels that shame again with you; or feels abandoned. If he *thinks* you have abandoned him he'll respond in this way.
Think about what happened and try to see it from all angles. If you feel you did something wrong, apologize when you have the opportunity. If you just don't have a clue what went down, ask if you may please discuss it.
Whilst waiting for his next move, try to distract yourself in any way possible: a movie, a book, meet with a friend, anything at all, but do NOT punish yourself any more than he is punishing you, my dear. And, email if you want to talk. Hugs.
For those submissives that may I had the joy of serving my Master for about a year. Just around the time I had major surgery, he went silent. He told me he would return, that he was not abandoning me...yet its been several months and he does not respond to contact of any kind. He was trying to distance himself, and I did see it, but I simply could not accept it. I am in severe conflict myself, but all I can do is try and take care of myself and be patient, understanding that my the Master I love would not just abandon me without cause. He too must be in great pain and conflict to do such a thing, and I can only hope he resolves his issues so that both of us can grow closer and be better for it in the long run. This may be childishly optimistic, but there are always two sides to every story. Remember to keep focusing on the positive, do things to heal and help yourself.
ReplyDeleteAnon: You are right to take care of yourself. I am not sure if I have written it down in this blog or not but I was taught a strategy in meditation classes that one can hold one's own hand at this quiet, reflective time and remember that you are your own best friend. I've a friend who vanishes from my life from time to time. It's caused some painful moments for me and yet I've felt deep in my bones that he'd return when he could, and he always does. So, I don't think it is childishly optimistic that he has his reasons for being absent from your life. At the same time, this man was your "Master" and given you have been through a deeply stressful time having major surgery it concerns me he hasn't been in touch. There is the possibility he has moved on, which doesn't negate all the good things you had together. It just means that you may need to move on without him. Whatever happens, you're not alone. Best of luck.
ReplyDeleteI think that it's too cruel to use abandonment as a punishment technique unless the sub did something majorly wrong and was aware that this kind of punishment was possible and what they could do or not do to avoid it. Even in major instances, I would tell a sub if this was going to happen how long the absence would be. For example: Like if I were to ignore him for 5 hours or if it was a 24 hour cooling off period. If it was longer than a day I'd tell him why I was doing it and how it hurts me to do this to him and what I hope he would learn from it. A Dominant doesn't necessarily have to be cruel and callous. It's a fine balance.
ReplyDeletemistressbreeze: I think you're right in your approach. Sometimes, some behavior calls for silence for a time. At the moment, a friend of mine has been quite silly and tried to be dominating with me. Words fail me right now and all I know to do is to be silent and hope he manages to come to his senses on his own. Sometimes, no contact for a while to give the other party a chance to think about their behavior is the only way. But, I agree, with a close relationship with a power dynamic involved it's very painful to have a disconnect. It needs to be resolved as soon as possible.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I really appreciated reading your post on a similar subject. It's so enlightening to read from your perspective.