It is well understood, and I think widely accepted, that the dom has the right to control the submissive's orgasms. It was refreshing, therefore, to recently read a dom's words wherein he acknowledged that orgasm control didn't work for all girls. Some girls found it too difficult to be denied an orgasm.
This makes a lot of sense to me. We aren't all the same and we don't all want the same things. For some girls, the notion of controlling her orgasms is blissfully erotic. Sure, it is a kind of torture, but it is an erotic sort of torture and thus, a turn on. But, not every submissive girl sees it that way and I'm delighted to read of a dominant who acknowledges that in print.
When I was first introduced to the notion that my orgasms were no longer my own, that I required his permission, I was aroused on one level and angry on another. I'd discovered the pleasures of my own body at a particularly early age and now, decades later, I was being asked to maintain a 'hands off' policy. I was aroused. Sure. But, I was also angry. Who was the twit who invented that one?
Mistakes occurred. Naturally. As if I was going to take to this like a duck to water! I ask you; do pigs fly?! Finally, the pronouncement was made. Unless I ceded to the demand, I'd be punished in a way I wouldn't forget: my hands (for weren't they the instrument of evil in this case?) would be strapped. What an abhorrent and devilishly outlandish threat!! I was even more angry now and profoundly, hopelessly turned on.
I did my best to do as told. Truly. I tried hard. But, it was, after all, inevitable that I would fail. (Perhaps, that was the idea.) Whilst the threat was really, truly delicious on one level of my brain, I never really thought that the day would ever come when my hands would be strapped. My dominant is the man who loves the hell out of me. He wasn't going to do that.
So, when he announced one evening that, unfortunately, he had no alternative but to punish me, I was totally shocked. I truly never, ever expected this to happen. When he told me to lean over the bed and hold out my hand, palm up, I could barely believe what I was listening to. I complied but was still pretty sure that this was a bluff.
My head was down. I wasn't looking. (I never look at injections or what the dentist has in his hand, either.) Suddenly, I felt an awful stinging across my palm. My God! The man had strapped my hand! And, then he did it again. And, again!
"Change hands, please."
I did so, in shock. And, down came the blasted strap (folded up belt) again. What sort of travesty of justice was this!?
"Are you going to obey this rule? Do you want this to happen again?"
"No, Sir."
"Let this be a lesson to you."
I was full of righteous indignation! And, profoundly turned on. I was hot!! I was more desperate for an orgasm now than ever!
Can I explain this phenomenon? Certainly not. Can I explain why I want both control over my orgasms and no control over my orgasms? Of course I can't, any more than I can explain why I am a submissive girl in need of a strict dom. Can anybody?
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Because you love hating it girl, emptying the dishwasher included!
ReplyDeleteClemmi
Clemmi: I'll concede the first part but I hate/hate emptying the dishwasher. No upside there, I'm afraid. LOL
ReplyDeleteIt sounds a bit like having your cake and eating it. It seems to suit you.
ReplyDeleteI just don't get the whole concept LOL ... I've never really understood it (and still don't)- but at least you gave me an inkling why it might be effective!
ReplyDeletehot
ReplyDelete73: It does sound like that, I admit. LOL
ReplyDeleteselkie: Did I? Perhaps you can explain it to me, then. LOL
Maryann: Thank you. No greater compliment than that.
Well, not having gotten to this point yet with the Infrequent Flyer, I cannot speak to exactly this situation. But I can share that too much orgasm denial, in a non D/s situation at least, can frustrate your libido to the point that it goes off on a walkabout, in search of a more congenial host. You then have to go chasing it down the street, begging it to come back and bribing it with coffee and chocolates.
ReplyDeleteSo, no, I wouldn't say it always works for every woman. Some of us don't run well, or have already eaten all the chocolate...
;-)
I do this, but as usual I do it backwards to the world. I'd been doing it for quite a while and had heard the term often so I was surprised to eventually realize normally this involves denial. As with so many other aspects of power exchange I had to wonder why anyone would do it that way. Granted my rule does say she can only come with permission, but the full rule is she can only come for me and only with my permission UNLESS she is masturbating while I am not there. I don’t deny her an orgasm; I “Force” her to orgasm. She cums on command as it were. I’ve never had any trouble doing it, and I want to be clear that I think rather than show any special talent on my part that shows just about any woman can do it. Sometimes I’ll make her wait for a time. Usually that causes it to be a stronger orgasm when I finally let her release. But the only time I’ve ever actually denied a woman an orgasm completely it was intended and presented as a punishment for her overly sassy mouth. It seems to me that if I deny her an orgasm all together I’m denying myself something beautiful as well.
ReplyDeleteJz: It might be something you find works for you, in fact. The idea is that you are denied for only so long, knowing that relief is on the way, as it were. It can definitely increase desire; a bit like if you had to wait for Saturday night to have the only glass of wine for the week. You'd savour it, right?
ReplyDeleteMagnus Cattus: A big thank you to you for your comment. I am in awe of women (such as persephone) whose owners train them to come on demand. I'm not especially good with pressure myself but I remember in earlier days being able to conjur up an orgasm just thinking back to a good experience. I've heard of doms who say to the sub that unless they come, they will be whipped. That could be a useful tactic in the right circumstances.
Some doms (e.g. All Knowing Man) monitor orgasms/mastburation, not to deny but to ensure that it is, seemingly, the right amount - not too little, not too much.
In practice, usually, I'm asked, and I give an honest answer. That gives him a sense of me and my desire. My guy isn't into denial either, usually.
I really appreciated you giving your point of view.
How about going the other way. How about if he demands that you give yourself so many orgasms that you're so sore that you're begging him to stop. You could even wear out the batteries on your vibe. LOL.
ReplyDeleteBut I agree with the earlier post that you probably love to hate it because it brings out your submissive side and shows the control he has over you.
FD
It's always the idea of failure and punishment that gets me going... BTW, maybe I missed the reference - can you point me to the link you mention about orgasm control not working for all girls? Thanks!
ReplyDeleteFlorida Dom: Are you suggesting that I actually *enjoy* being controlled? But, where would you get an idea like that?
ReplyDelete(These readers are onto me!!)
Penny: I think I know what you mean. I'm torn. I want to be the 'good girl' but there is just something about 'punishment' that gets me going. *Sigh*
Here's the link you requested:
http://discerningdom.blogspot.com/2009/10/micro-management.html
V,
ReplyDeleteI really do see the point. It's another form of prolonged anticipation and, yes, sometimes that's lovely. But your perspective makes the assumption that the dom can and will allow orgasm within a reasonable time frame. Not all do.
Nor does every woman (sub or no) respond well to training of the "turn it on! Now, turn it off! On! Off! On! Off!" variety. Sometimes, that just leads to disaster. The goal may be to make her exquisitely responsive but for some, all it does is to numb, if not obliterate, something inside. The guy / dom (depending on the situation) should, in theory, be alert to this and careful to stop before things deteriorate. But we know that doesn't always happen.
I'm not arguing that o.d. works beautifully for many. Just illustrating your starting point, that it doesn't always work for every sub.
Jz: Agreed. One of the biggest errors a dom can make, in my humble opinion, is to think that it is going to work out for them to assert themselves over the sub, regardless of how she is reacting to that control. The dom/top needs to be vigilant and keep a watchful eye as to reactions. I know it is a theme I return to often, but honestly, if people aren't having fun with D/s on some level, what's the point?
ReplyDeleteLate to the party but I gotta ask, is it really widely accepted that a Dom has a right to control his submissive partners orgasms? I know in sex games I have heard of a person saying 'cum now' and that women do what women do but I did not know that this was a given.
ReplyDeleteI can almost understand someone they want to know when/if you masturbate. It is embarrassing to have to report on that phenomenon and would probably create some increased sexual tension. Ok, I get that - but this idea of saying you can never do so without his permission is probably fostering some dishonest behavior or producing the opportunity to 'punish' which is a turn-on in it's own right.
My understanding, and preferred thought process was more along the lines of AKM, do it as often as humanly possible. I will have to look it up, but I seem to remember him making the point that he thought orgasm denial was stupid and counter-productive.
cd: Whilst there is no evidence of who thinks and does what, I think orgasm control is one of the tricks in the dom's bag that he may or may not put to use. Perhaps his girl does not masturbate at all and he wants to assist her to feel good about doing that. Orgasm control is not likely to be put to use. It just depends on so many factors. But, I am certainly under the impression that many doms feel it can be an effective form of control.
ReplyDeleteDoes it foster some dishonest behaviour? Well, my answer to that would be YES. But, I think some girls would own up to that and accept the consequences. Again, it depends on the relationship. Personally, I find lying about my errors counter-productive and I have to think many girls feel the same way about that.
I don't want to speak for AKM but I think his thoughts have changed over time. In earlier writings, he expressed a relaxed approach, encouraging his wife to masturbate as she chose (or so it seemed to me). Later on, his approach seemed to become more controlling about this.
I think in D/s so much can be eroticized but not everything works for everybody. I think modifications are required for the individuals involved. Having said that, I think just about any sort of control is better than none, for me at least.
Thanks for the thoght provoking comment. I love those.
Dear Vesta, dear ladies & gentlemen,
ReplyDeleteplease remember that the key word here is "control" not orgasm. Control can deny, force, allow or take away. Anytime.
Clemmi