Having a blog is a tremendous opportunity. First and foremost for me was the opportunity to express my thoughts and also to think through my thoughts. A lovely by-product of that endeavour was to meet new people and to have them leave comments about what they read. I have never minded a challenging comment. For me, it is all ‘part and parcel’ of sifting through thoughts that rummage about in my head and getting them to a point where there is clarity.
If I said that I didn’t give some consideration to whom would be reading, I would be lying. Whilst a blog such as this is anonymous, my husband reads here and so too do a few special friends who know my real identity. I am not ashamed of my little blog, and if people discovered my true identity it wouldn’t be the end of the world. But, it would, no doubt, mean that my writing would be tempered by that fact.
Even now, I write carefully. I always write the truth but I admit that I do so with the knowledge that the blog has the potential to hurt the very special people in my life who read here. I was taught a long time ago that what goes down on paper is potentially harmful and I try not to allow my emotions of the day to colour my writings. I try very hard to be rational and reasonable, and not too emotive in my writings.
A few people whose advice I listen to with care have reminded me along the way that nothing is more interesting than an honest tale and that for writing to be good, an author must give of herself. I think I have given the reader here a fair amount of myself. I’ve held things back, I admit, but I’m learning, bit by bit, to write from the deepest place of me. I’m a complex person. I know that.
The truth is that I wish with all my heart that I had a situation in my life where I could feel a consistent level of control from my husband. Janus asked me, right back when we first started emailing, whether I wanted a more “intense” submission. I said I did, not knowing what that really meant. I know now that I don’t want a more harsh submission but I do want a more consistent experience. Whilst my husband is more than capable of being the dominant of my dreams, his business life interferes with this happy outcome. I have needed to feel his control in a more forceful way (read: a caning) for weeks now.
He loves me and understands me but is so devoted to his financial cause (and rightly so) that right now one day leads to the next without this submissive girl feeling the control that would elevate her to a higher realm of living. Success in the venture would mean a more stable financial situation and that would be dreamy. What would be particularly significant to this girl is that her man may then have the time to consider her needs a little more consistently. The man can make me so darn happy, for free.
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I'm there with you about the usefulness of a blog in sorting out one's own thoughts. But yes, it's best to be careful. We all need to remember that this mood will pass and try to write in a way that won't make us cringe later.
ReplyDelete(don't ask me how I know this, she grins.)
As to the rest - Hoooboy, yeah!
We need time with him when he's just our guy and we need time with him when he's our dom (with his various enjoyable apparatuses.) As you know, that's one of my big stumbling blocks now. But, like your husband, BG genuinely, truly does not have lots of extra time right now. His focus is where it needs to be and I see that.
Doesn't mean I don't think it sucks, however!
Same for me... I think that's why I tend to try and leave things about my relationships with others (other than my Master) out of my blog, although I have mentioned a couple of friends, but I don't think either of them would have issues about me saying good things about them. LOL
ReplyDeleteI hope no one in my "other" life, other than those who know that I live this lifestyle, ever make that connection to my blog. It wouldn't ruin me, but it could certainly make my life very difficult.
spirited
Dear Vesta,
ReplyDeletearen't we all still learning? to live with greater passion, purpose and peace?
(adapted from R.Sharma)
Your time will come...and it will be intense. The waiting you have to do is also part of it.
Clemmi
I tend to wonder, endlessly, and often in circles. Writing things down does enforce some linearity for me. What I wonder a lot recently is, when circumstances conspire to put a relationship under stress, especially from just plain lack of opportunity to be together, does the dynamic make that easier, give you something to fall back on, or does it just give you that much more to miss, knowing how good it can be?
ReplyDeletegreengirl, I believe that it depends on the existing dynamics of the relationship itself. I know that, for me, there is a framework of daily expectations - rules, tasks, whatever one might wish to call it - that allows me to feel controlled without my Master having to actually exert control overtly.
ReplyDeleteSo, for me, when stress happens from whatever source, I am grateful for the constancy of my existing framework within which I can act submissively. And Padrone can know that I am under his control even when circumstances may prevent an overt expression of that control.
It is most definitely a comfort for each of us when "life happens", although we each do miss the expression of our roles at times, when we're prevented from it. But this is just US - the answer to your question is individual to a specific relationship, and it is something that only you and your husband can answer for YOU.