The Third

Whilst I was at a lovely open air market this week, I took the time to wander across the road and discovered a terrific second-hand book store where you can buy books in great condition for very little. I bought three books while I was there and one of them was Esther Perel's 'Mating in Captivity'. I was delighted to find it there, for I well remember hearing her beautiful voice on the radio a couple of years ago and being captivated by what she had to say. I also remember the interviewer questioning here closely about her thinking on monogamy and this seemed to be the chapter of her book that was going to get her into the most trouble.

Needless to say, I have been reading the book this week and I was intrigued by what she had to say about 'The Shadow of the Third.'

"At the boundary of every couple lives the third...The third is the manifestation of our desire for what lies outside the fence. It is the forbidden...The menace of the third is intrinsic to the experience of love, and even the most controlling marriage may not be able to allay our anxieties."

One of the really lovely qualities of my husband is that, after many years of life lived together, day by day, he saw very clearly that I needed to embrace the "third" into my life. He, ultimately, saw that I needed an opportunity to explore a relationship with a third person. Not a relationship that in any way damaged our relationship, but a relationship that could enrich it.

I needed to know what I did not know. I needed to examine my own mind, my needs and desires; my lust. I needed to let my fantasies out to play and I needed to write in order to explore those thoughts and fantasies. I needed people with whom I could converse on these subjects, and finally, I needed a mentor.

For many months, my mentor and I shared our thoughts and explored my mind. We wrote letters to one another that hearkened back to another era, when written correspondence in letter form was the communication style of the day. We were not using fountain pen and putting our letters in the mail, but our letters were personal and divulged details that rarely see the light of day.

I feel extremely privileged to have been able to undertake this process with a man of great integrity and wisdom; a man who never overstepped the mark and who was so respectful of the privilege that my husband had granted him. One day, I hope to do something with them all, and he has already said that he would be happy for me to do this.

One of the points that Esther makes in her excellent book is that even the most secure of relationships face change. People change and life changes; we age. Nothing stays the same. My mentor's life has changed since those early months when we corresponded in detail. He has new challenges and calls on his time. Perhaps, our work together has come to an end. I know in my heart, that whether we continue to correspond or not, he will always be my special friend, and I will always want for him, every happiness.

I am extraordinarily proud of my husband for allowing in "the third". It is a testament, I believe, to his faith in me, that by doing this, our marriage would not be harmed. Certainly, there have been days when my emotions have spilled over and he has questioned his decision, but our marriage is stronger than ever, and our venture paid us great dividends.

I am extraordinary proud of my mentor, as well. On many occasions he went the extra mile with me, delving into my thought processes, not relenting in his search for what was true. He is currently involved in an exciting project which requires all his time, and more, and thus it is time for me to give him that space to make it right. He is a special person, a good person, and I am proud to have worked so closely with him.

Esther is right. We should not be so afraid to embrace 'the third'. It is not always easy to do this, but those courageous few who do, often see that there is untold benefit to themselves when they do.