DO I NEED TO SUBMIT OR DO I WANT TO SUBMIT?

I want anyone reading my blog to be very clear about one thing.

I’m no expert in submission. I definitely don’t have all the answers. But, I do know one thing, and I know it very well. I need to experience submission in my life. It is not so much a choice as simply fulfilling a need.

I know this as a fact, because I’ve tried, several times, to give up the submission. I get angry about something and I tell my husband that I don’t want to do this submission thing anymore. I’m no good at it and it doesn’t work. I’m angry and I’m not going to take it anymore!

I’ve done the same thing to Janus, my mentor. I’ll write and say, thank you for everything but I’m confused and it isn’t working out and at the very least, I need to think about everything for a few days.

Now, within a few days (or even hours), I’m full of regret. What was I thinking? Of course, I want to submit. Did I say I didn’t want to submit? That was stupid of me. I’ve changed my mind. Sorry about all that. Can I get back on the horse now, do you think?

My husband and Janus are both incredibly generous souls. Yes, I am forgiven and yes, I can climb right back up on the horse.

BUT, like the boy who cried ‘wolf’, there is only so many times that you can do this, before it gets stale.

So, recently, after one of those ‘I’m not taking it any more’ messages from me, as he likes to call them, Janus wrote to say that I am forgiven, of course, but that from now on, that forgiveness comes with a proviso. I should understand, very clearly, that I am free to walk away from the dominance at any time without a penalty. No problem. But, if I chose to return, then the re-entry would cost me, dearly. The price would be high, and I should think about that first before I advised that I was ‘out a here’ again.

I could not blame him. I certainly could see where he was coming from. I knew I needed to be contained. I had no complaint and sent my understanding of the new rule.

Such are the mysteries of the submissive woman’s mind (I’m sorry, but I cannot speak to the mind of the submissive man) that this new rule brings me peace. I can’t call it quits now. That avenue is closed to me now, and that’s good. I have to stop and think before I drive head long into the wall. That’s a good thing. For, if there is one thing of which I can be sure it is that, if I go ahead and misbehave on this matter, and then ask for forgiveness, Janus will be waiting for me, with the punishment already written out. He’ll make it uncomfortable in a variety of ways, and he will make me regret it. I know the drill and I don’t want to go there.

Don’t get me wrong. Sometimes, a potential punishment is nothing short of a turn on. It’s out there and it is thrilling, and one almost, (even sometimes does) misbehave, just to experience the threat played out. I’m not going to deny it. It’s the tickle at your throat that won’t go away. You just want to push the point. It’s heavenly devious.

But, I know Janus well now, and I know that once I had experienced that punishment, I’d never want that punishment again. If he is bluffing, then he won the bluff, because he’s pulled me up, with a round turn.

When you submit to a strong, but tender man, you experience a feeling that I can’t describe.

But, I’ll do my best.

His dominance, and his affection, combined, makes you feel that there is nothing that you can’t do. Under his tutelage, you can be your best. Whether it is how you spent your day, what you wrote, whether you produced a perfect piece of work, if you had the right mindset, or whatever, he is watching, and he is expecting your best. He considers you special and special girls give of their best, pay attention to the detail, and are obedient. Special girls are not dishonest and special girls pay attention to the needs of their dominant. Special girls can fly high, just like Dumbo. They are lovable, loving, loved.

Special girls walk proud, and are happy, confident that they are the lucky ones. Their containment is their piece of paradise, and they don’t think to leave the confines of paradise, for why should they? There is no better place to be.

So, that’s the push and the pull of submission for me. Hell one minute and heaven the next.

I’m a woman. Some would say it is my right to change my mind. Well, sometimes, ‘rights’ comes with costs.

So, I don’t do the ‘I’m mad as hell. I’m not taking it anymore!!’routine.

I'm in it for the long haul, and I'm not complaining.