Just the two of us

 In just a few days, my husband and I are officially empty nesters. My youngest son moves out to live on campus for his final semester of college. It's a landmark event, one that puts us back where we were 40 years ago, just the two of us.

It's going to be quite a thing. We're still in the big family house. We will be 'rattling around' as people like to say. Once upon a time, the people that lived in this house used an intercom system to communicate with one another but that hasn't worked for many years, so I have tended to send a text when dinner is ready, and people appear.

Without a student in the house those long gruelling days of academic writing have, more or less, come to an end. That is to say, I won't be surprised if he returns on certain days to discuss a topic, and I won't be surprised if my days as editor have not entirely come to an end, but he's remarkably talented, so all things being equal, I can hang up my academic assistant boots.

Truthfully, I have considered taking up an academic pursuit of my own, but at the same time, I want to see how it goes for my husband and I to return to a state of 'just the two of us'. I don't know how long he will be well enough for us to share time out and about, so I don't want to compromise the next period of time with distraction. It's a hard choice because there's a big part of me that would like to get qualified and act as a therapist. Maybe two therapists in the family are one too many. Maybe it's my time to slide quietly into activities that provide me with joy. 

When I think about this time, I imagine time carved out for pleasure. I keep banging on that we need to walk every day and now I can turn that into a reality. We can head out the door and, in any direction, we can walk to a coffee shop or a park or a supermarket. We can simply walk the neighbourhood and enjoy the many styles of architecture and beautiful gardens. We can walk to the club we both belong to, and that's on the agenda again too.  A simple lunch or dinner, maybe a sauna or a swim; for me, an exercise class, or for him, some gym time.

Reduced tickets turned up in my inbox yesterday for our town's Symphony Orchestra, so I bought those and booked into the restaurant nearby for an early dinner. We've bought plane tickets for a holiday and started to book accommodation. We are getting into the spirit of this empty nesting, with blind faith that everything will be all right.

We have marked a day in our calendar when we return to the holiday house together and put it back together now that the painters have gone. Together, it won't be so overwhelming. In fact, it will be fun.

In two days, my eldest son arrives with his two sons and wife. Apart from a few hours at the beginning of his life I haven't seen little L and I am excited to hold him again. He's been an angel.

So, maybe, just maybe, we've paid our debts to the Gods of Fire and Fury, and we can enter a time of peace and quietude. Well, mostly, this world rumbles on, the Earth shakes, but seasons come and seasons go, just as they have always done, and maybe we have entered a season where we can take care of one another and find pleasure and purpose in one another's company. We have built a beautiful family together so now maybe we can rest a little on our laurels.

About hope

Hope is a positive word, right? If we have hope for an outcome, then there's still a chance things will go our way. Yet, I read some time ago a comment about hope that suggested it isn't as positive a concept as we would like to think. If you are living in hope, the author argued, you are not accepting things as they are, and in that way hope could be seen to be counterproductive. Acceptance of what is happening right here, right now, is far more productive, it was postulated. This doesn't mean no action is taken, but one isn't wallowing in thoughts of a possible future outcome, in a hopeful frame of mind, if you see the difference. Staying in the present, acceptance of the situation, is what is advocated.

There is considerable dissatisfaction with the medical fraternity who take 'truth giving' a bit too far, advising patients with cancer perhaps that the prognosis is very grim; fundamentally that they should get their affairs in order because there is no hope, or next to no hope. There are just too many people who are taking their health into their own hands even at that  late stage of the game and achieving outcomes considered impossible by the medical practitioners.

Hope for more life, a better life, is part of the positive approach to healing advocated by some people who consult with these marked people. They work with them on their nutrition - a plant based approach. They work with them on their state of mind, getting them well established in a meditative practice, and gentle exercise regimen, and as well, they encourage them to take each moment as it comes.

Perhaps, they don't encourage 'hope' so much as they encourage a positive state of mind and an acceptance of where they are right now, and why, and where they would like to go, all being well. And, if it should be that death comes, then let it a be a good death. It's a hopeful approach because previously they had reached a dead end, whereas now they have an approach that provides them with a healthy and enhanced way of life, for however long that is.

When I was younger and having my babies, I worked on the supposition that all would be well. I quite simply didn't allow for any other thought and I certainly was not prepared for any other outcome.  I'm grateful to be married to someone who simply overrides those in authority when he needs to. When my obstetrician induced me at the time of my first pregnancy and promptly left for a birthday party it was my husband who told the staff not long after that if he didn't get his ass back there and assist with a birth that was fast spiraling out of control they'd all be very sorry. The doctor ran into the room and quickly delivered the baby with forceps, for the cord was around our baby's neck and he was starving of oxygen. Would I have hit the panic button? You know I'd have left it too late.

Over time, my husband who is very detail oriented and inclined to see down the road to potential disastrous outcomes, would proselytize as to a bad outcome. Something inside me usually told me not to buy into it, especially when it came to our children. On the flip side, he sometimes was able to balance me, when I was overly invested in a specialist's prediction, for example.

It was more than me just being hopeful when it came to my children. I made deals with God; deal along the lines that if he agreed to keep them safe, then he could take something else from me. I see now how ridiculous that was, that I have the power to adjust the way of the Universe, but at the time I would have done deals with the devil if I could be assured of a safe outcome for them all.

I'm very grateful that my husband is so prepared to act in a crisis, and to act to avoid a crisis. It balances out with my tendency to simply insist that the universe acknowledge my loved ones' rightful place on this Earth to live a healthy and happy long life. Only a day or two ago he seemed agitated about our eldest son's health. He has a very nasty bug. Of course, one keeps an eye out for symptoms that suggest bacterial meningitis that can happens within hours, as instructed by doctors.

Whilst my husband frets that he is not yet back to full health, ready to push the emergency button, I assure him that bugs play out the way his is playing out; that he is resting and eating well and soon he will be fine. I'm aware of my flawed thinking that nothing can happen to my babies at the same time as I struggle to go to that 'what if this bug doesn't pass?' mode of thought. I'm not so much hopeful as insistent. The Universe knows better than to fuck with me when it comes to my children.

But, the Universe always wins. In the end we have some control over little things, over the best path to take perhaps, but we have no control over what the Universe wants. It is in this way that I sit here awaiting the results of my daughter's test which will confirm or deny the sophisticated blood tests that indicate that her pregnancy should be terminated. Exuberant joy has turned to sorrow.

'I know it is such a narrow chance, Mum, but I still have hope that the blood test is some awful mistake', she wrote to me. And, some motherly instinct, some sense of what I would want to hear from my mother if in the same circumstance, had me writing, 'There is nothing wrong with hope, darling.'

To those people who have never carried life within their limbs it is impossible to explain the joy, the bliss; the hopes one has for this little life inside. The little man may not be fully formed and at risk, but still he is yours. What else is there to do but hope? What else is there to do right now? The die is cast and we have no control. We await the verdict.

Of course, my rational mind, and hers, tells me that we are unlikely to get a call saying, 'You're the one in a million. The blood test showed that the foetus was very high risk, but the CVS test has confirmed that he's fine'. She's prepared for, and I expect, to get the call to say that the diagnosis is now confirmed. In which case, we must accept that it wasn't meant to be, this time. She will grieve and she will heal, and then they will try again, because the human heart prevails. It is inspirational what the human mind and heart can endure and heal from.

In life there is suffering. There is no two ways about it. It is our search for happiness that identifies us, however. I simply hate novels that end without some sense of hope for the protagonist because if we hang in with him or her for 300 pages of conflicts, issues and problems, we'd be mad to want less than at least some hope for his or her future when we turn the last page and must leave them behind. Where there is life, there is hope.

Troubled relationships

So, what if you are stuck; stuck in a relationship that you can't seem to leave but that makes you crazy? Have you tried to changed the Other's behavior? How did that go for you?

There is a much more effective way to feel better about the relationship and about yourself because what you do have control over is your own behavior and thoughts. As these shifts take place in you, every element of your life, including the troubled relationship, starts to become smoother. Your sense of self improves. Most importantly, you stop feeling helpless and start feeling strong. The feelings of love remain but now they are based on an acceptance of the way things are; a full and complete acceptance of the person you love. You stop manipulating  the Other to get what you want and come to realize that it is the love that resides in you that you can tap into to heal yourself.

A troubled relationship that means a great deal to you can sap you of your self-confidence. Maybe you try to encourage the Other to act kinder towards you and instead of him or her seeing your distress and moving towards you to comfort you, there is push-back; blame, projection. It's confusing and can lead a person to wonder about their own sanity.  Do you find yourself digging deeper to understand the Other; pushing your own needs and wants further below the surface in order to settle or calm the Other? If so, your self-respect is at risk. You have come to behave like a Caretaker because it seemed the only way to function in a troubled relationship.

Counter-intuitively perhaps, you have to use different strategies to heal yourself and the relationship. Every time you use these strategies your self-respect will grow and you will start to see that things are not hopeless and you are not helpless.

Most importantly, you need to listen to your own feelings. Sit quietly with yourself as often as you can. Often, only a minute or two is enough. Ask yourself, 'How am I traveling?' Identify your feelings. Feel into your physical responses and locate where your feelings lie.

When interactions are hurtful to you, stop them. Don't feel that you need to keep interacting with someone who isn't making sense, or doesn't have control over his or her words and actions. Take a break. Let things simmer down.

If you are dependent on the Other but the Other's behavior isn't reliable it really doesn't make any sense for this person to be the final arbiter over your sense of self; the decider of who you are and the provider of your needs and wants. Your identity is made up primarily in the establishment of what you want, what you are willing to stand up for and the goals you strive for in life.  What you have to do is decide for yourself what action you wish to take. Then, you have to act. With or without him or her in your life, you are determining what will make your life better.

I think the problem can lie in the fact that a submissive sort of person will mention something he or she would like and the Other may sort of put that idea down; perhaps not in a direct way but in an overt sort of reference. It's almost a response to change that they unwittingly see as a threat. Change can be hard for the Other wrapped up in his or her own head. Rather than be put off, your goal can be mentioned in passing, and ultimately a declaration made that as of next week, say, you are going to be volunteering your time at the Soup Kitchen every other Thursday. No arguments. It is just now something that is part of your life.

It is not selfish to think about your own needs and wants as opposed to thinking all the time about the Other's needs and wants. This is what you have to get through your head. It doesn't work to be selfless. It is in fact inevitably soul destroying.

In a troubled relationship, the Other can in fact be very dependent on you. It helps to reflect back to the Other that you have heard and understood their feelings. 'You look upset.' 'I understand that would have been upsetting for you.' This isn't about ignoring the Other's needs but recognizing but they may be submerged in their own feelings and desire to feel better such that they can't attend to you. This is why it is so important in a troubled relationship to learn to use all those caring tendencies to nurture yourself.

When you stop wishing for things to change and start acting on the reality of your life, a sense of new beginnings starts to take hold. This does not have to be the demise of the relationship but rather a new found belief in your own abilities to make the most of your life. You can do it.

Hitting the brick wall

This is the post that I never wanted to write, but I have been wondering for some time how to come to terms with my life and perhaps this is the way.

My husband is not the same man he used to be. After the chronic fatigue took its toll, there was some improvement for a time, but his condition seems to have now permanently come to rest in a state of what I call 'neutral sexuality'. He does not have any sexuality at all.

For the past month I have woken repeatedly in the middle of the night trying to figure out what has happened. Two nights ago, surprisingly, and I think because there was a certain sense of absolute despair that he read on my face, he shared with me that a medical test revealed that his testosterone is being turned into oestrogen. It's some block of the hormones and nobody seems to know what to do about it, although he talked of some extracts of plants available in the United States.

I took this opportunity to express comments that I had held in:

'I feel like I am living with a stranger.'
'I feel like I am in the wrong house.'

Then I asked, after we had talked a bit, 'Are you saying that there is absolutely nothing you can do? Are you saying that this is completely out of your control?'

'Yes', he said. 'It's what I have been saying all along. I'm not doing this to you.'

You see, it's not just that we don't make love. It's that when he holds me, it doesn't feel like he is holding me. A kiss doesn't feel like his kiss. It doesn't feel like a male/female experience. He doesn't comment when I get a new set of nails, something he knows I adore to do. He offers me nothing. He hasn't used any rope all year. Things that aren't necessarily sexual, and that don't require anything of him but a little time and effort, are not attempted. He has sunk into a world of his own making - work in one office or another.

I make an effort to keep our lives going if for no other reason than if I did not do that, I too would sink into some sort of depression. So, on Friday night I suggested we meet at our Club. It didn't take long for an old friend of his to sit down with us and lay out a plan. My husband could join his tennis group on Wednesday nights for a game of tennis and a drink later. He'd be home by 7 pm except once a month when they ate dinner together. It sounded perfect and I encouraged him to go. But, he would not give a commitment on the spot and he told me later he couldn't do it because he had hurt his shoulder carrying up groceries for me. They are excuses. He doesn't want to be around people he doesn't know. He just wants to do what he does; be with me and the family; work, eat and watch television.

It sounds like a very deep depression, doesn't it? Or, some sort of dymentia?? I know we all change as we age but I still remember the boy with all his abundant entheusiasm and rapture for life; his dreams and goals, and I just can't reconcile what has happened.

I believe, as I always have, that he has undiagnosed ADD and OCD and that the effort of life, everything being that bit harder to achieve, every decision being that more complicated to make, and every outcome he is involved with needing to be perfect, has taken a toll on him such that he has hit the brick wall and has nowhere to go. He has crashed. That's what my doctor says. His doctor suggested seeking mental health care, but my husband's angry response ensured he never suggested it again. He won't accept treatment because he remains in denial as to his conditions. Which is not to say that there aren't chemical/bodily issues here, just that he is ignoring the fact that his mind is involved in this malaise.

I feel an incredibly deep responsibility to this man. This situation is proving to be immensely painful to me, and I am at a point  where I fear that my mind's suffering is creating mayhem within my body. I have taken to walking every day and this helps me. My writing over the past few years has been therapeutic as I deal with the pain of my situation but I am ready to move onto subjects where I can escape into other characters' worlds. (I wrote a short script today, a comedy, and that's huge progress for me. I'm out of my head for those hours and into other people's heads and I think that's an incredibly healthy thing for me.) We'll travel, and I'm hoping that once my study is completed in a month's time I can provide the impetus for projects and new plans.

Of course, I am not alone in carrying the grief of a relationship that has unraveled. Millions of people are doing that. Oddly, some relationships, no matter how bruised and battered they become, endure. The love and sense of empathy remains. Hope has us holding on.