Wants and needs

 I have been listening to a series of podcasts entitled 'Power in Practice'. They are quite old, some dating back to 2008, but they are incredibly good. In some ways, the small group of people who published them were experimental, looking to see how to best run a polyamory family, or multiple dominant households.

From the comments made I think it's fair to say that the dominants of the group tend towards extreme dominance and that the submissives of the group were carefully selected to be willing to accept and be at least relatively comfortable with that sort of extreme dominance.

Flagg made the point that romantic love complicates a D/s structure and I think most people can agree on that point. My husband listened along to some of it and I heard him say, sort of to himself, 'I don't agree with that' or 'I could never do that'. 

The hypnotist who we engaged to assist us in setting up a D/s structure again together with dealing with some trauma we both needed to heal, said to my husband that I was born this way. I was born with a service mentality. I think that's right. To be of use to those I love, and even those I don't love, is a part of my personality. I not only do it willingly, I do it without even thinking about it. I slot into the secondary position like a duck waddling into water.

So, what I want is to be myself, to be the s of the D/s situation, not just to serve for serving sake, but to be comfortable in my skin, at one, in harmony. I need harmony, unobtainable to me outside of a D/s structure. 

So what I want and need is for my husband to fulfill his obligations as the D of the D/s arrangement.

Early in December, we were driving along the freeway when my husband said to me, 'Do you commit to stay married to me forever?'. 'Yes. Yes, I do', I said. 'And, do you commit to our dynamic being D/s forever?' 'Yes, Yes, I do.'  'I commit to that too,' he said. And, like that, the deal was sealed, never to be broken.

I can't say exactly how the hypnotist did his work. We would have started with my husband's therapy, but he wasn't ready, so we started with mine.

First, we dealt with some trauma I held, trauma that played out in the writings here, some confusion about my sexuality. Since I had been having masochistic fantasies from the earliest age, in some ways due to the neglect in my early life, I needed to go to that place and satisfy myself that it was I an adult, that wanted these things. It was I that wanted these things and that was okay.

D asked me towards the end of the first session what had changed and at first, I only noted little things; the little desk had been moved; the curtains had been opened. But then I saw me, not a little girl anymore, a fully-fledged woman.

"Oh my God, Oh my God, she's all grown up. She's all grown up."

Then, we dealt with the neglect, the inability to express myself emotionally as a child. We did forgiveness exercises, and most importantly, in my opinion, I had the experience of seeing myself as a young woman, around 30, blissfully happy in a relationship that was led by a man I loved. I was sitting at his feet, and we were happy and at peace.

This was what I wanted.

Immediately after the session I was sad, sometimes angry. I had felt what I wanted, maybe for a full minute, and I desperately wanted it back.

I wanted my husband to be engaged with me in a D/s relationship that was 24/7. I wanted to be responsible for being the best submissive I could be and I wanted him to be the best dominant that he could be.

D worked away at that. I don't know exactly how, but I do know that he feels that I need the structure that enables me to succeed at the submission.

We haven't formulated a contract as yet, but we see it as being one where we outline our responsibilities.

He is responsible for the relationship; to lead it and oversee it. I am responsible for being obedient and available; enticing and companionable.

We do little things right now. He puts a blindfold on me right before sleep. I have been sleeping very well and my husband noted that I seem very relaxed. 

I call him 'Sir' or 'Owner' but mostly Sir, unless other people can hear.

He initiates play. He shaves my pussy and that leads to play, but it can happen at any time. Orgasm on demand is expected. Until recently I didn't know that I could orgasm on demand. I didn't know that there were 12 different types of orgasm. 

Maybe most significant of all is that we are able to engage in conversation without fear of eruptions. We were both prone to be angered by each other and the therapy sorted that, maybe in equal parts with the new/renewed dynamic. I think he's far more reasonable now; far more willing to see his role in all this; that in spite of not being especially well, we have a life to live. This component had been missing for a long time and I found it soul crushing.

Back to the needs...I believe as a submissive that my whole body is his to play with and enjoy. I was trained this way and I think this way. I have experienced the benefits of thinking this way. I am aware that anal training isn't that difficult and on our 'to purchase' list is an inflatable dildo. We will write into the contract that I train with this at least twice a week, so that all three holes are available.

We will purchase a leather collar that he will place around my neck just before I go to sleep.

He wants more touch and I currently wash his back in the shower. I bring close to the shower our towels.

I think he listens to me more. He is no less opinionated, but I think he is more caring in that he is less self-involved. He still tends to what he must tend to but I suppose I would say that he is more relaxed too.

He corrects. Most particularly he reminds me of the Honorifics, cementing that down. He spanks, not soundly. I am not crying when he does it, but I get the point. I don't want and nor do I choose to be in trouble.

With him I don't have to worry about being asked to do something well outside of commonsense. He's not going to ask me to stand naked in the traffic. He's never going to put me at risk, and I would never want that sort of play anyway. He said to me some hours ago that he could never imagine loaning me out as some dominants apparently do because his sense of responsibility for me would never allow me to potentially be put in harm's way. He simply does not have and nor does he need to have, a desire to push the bounds out to feel a certain way.

Om, a man from NYC I listen to talks a lot about containment, and interestingly I wrote a lot about containment in earlier years. Blindfolds, rope, silence, placed on a chair, whole body massage, feeling held down emotionally...I revel in all of this.

There's not the slightest resistance to thinking of myself as a submissive, or a Slave, or the one on the bottom; whatever you like to say. It is denial of my needs for that positioning that caused me so much distress, not at all the other way around.