Troubled relationships

So, what if you are stuck; stuck in a relationship that you can't seem to leave but that makes you crazy? Have you tried to changed the Other's behavior? How did that go for you?

There is a much more effective way to feel better about the relationship and about yourself because what you do have control over is your own behavior and thoughts. As these shifts take place in you, every element of your life, including the troubled relationship, starts to become smoother. Your sense of self improves. Most importantly, you stop feeling helpless and start feeling strong. The feelings of love remain but now they are based on an acceptance of the way things are; a full and complete acceptance of the person you love. You stop manipulating  the Other to get what you want and come to realize that it is the love that resides in you that you can tap into to heal yourself.

A troubled relationship that means a great deal to you can sap you of your self-confidence. Maybe you try to encourage the Other to act kinder towards you and instead of him or her seeing your distress and moving towards you to comfort you, there is push-back; blame, projection. It's confusing and can lead a person to wonder about their own sanity.  Do you find yourself digging deeper to understand the Other; pushing your own needs and wants further below the surface in order to settle or calm the Other? If so, your self-respect is at risk. You have come to behave like a Caretaker because it seemed the only way to function in a troubled relationship.

Counter-intuitively perhaps, you have to use different strategies to heal yourself and the relationship. Every time you use these strategies your self-respect will grow and you will start to see that things are not hopeless and you are not helpless.

Most importantly, you need to listen to your own feelings. Sit quietly with yourself as often as you can. Often, only a minute or two is enough. Ask yourself, 'How am I traveling?' Identify your feelings. Feel into your physical responses and locate where your feelings lie.

When interactions are hurtful to you, stop them. Don't feel that you need to keep interacting with someone who isn't making sense, or doesn't have control over his or her words and actions. Take a break. Let things simmer down.

If you are dependent on the Other but the Other's behavior isn't reliable it really doesn't make any sense for this person to be the final arbiter over your sense of self; the decider of who you are and the provider of your needs and wants. Your identity is made up primarily in the establishment of what you want, what you are willing to stand up for and the goals you strive for in life.  What you have to do is decide for yourself what action you wish to take. Then, you have to act. With or without him or her in your life, you are determining what will make your life better.

I think the problem can lie in the fact that a submissive sort of person will mention something he or she would like and the Other may sort of put that idea down; perhaps not in a direct way but in an overt sort of reference. It's almost a response to change that they unwittingly see as a threat. Change can be hard for the Other wrapped up in his or her own head. Rather than be put off, your goal can be mentioned in passing, and ultimately a declaration made that as of next week, say, you are going to be volunteering your time at the Soup Kitchen every other Thursday. No arguments. It is just now something that is part of your life.

It is not selfish to think about your own needs and wants as opposed to thinking all the time about the Other's needs and wants. This is what you have to get through your head. It doesn't work to be selfless. It is in fact inevitably soul destroying.

In a troubled relationship, the Other can in fact be very dependent on you. It helps to reflect back to the Other that you have heard and understood their feelings. 'You look upset.' 'I understand that would have been upsetting for you.' This isn't about ignoring the Other's needs but recognizing but they may be submerged in their own feelings and desire to feel better such that they can't attend to you. This is why it is so important in a troubled relationship to learn to use all those caring tendencies to nurture yourself.

When you stop wishing for things to change and start acting on the reality of your life, a sense of new beginnings starts to take hold. This does not have to be the demise of the relationship but rather a new found belief in your own abilities to make the most of your life. You can do it.

Self-belief

I am becoming more comfortable now with this need to write. I'm understanding more about the need to wrestle with the themes and preoccupations of my life and to shape them into a story.

For many years, there  was no time to write. Four busy children and a fully occupied husband absorbed my time. As well, in those child rearing years I didn't have the strong desire to write that I do now. There was adequate succor for me bringing up the children. There was also plenty of worry. It can deplete desire to be creative in another medium.

It is true that my husband would say from time to time that I should sit down and write, but the impetus was not coming from within. I give full credit for my entry into a writing life to my psychologist, who I saw for about ten sessions a few years ago now.

'What would you really like to do?'
'Well, I'm not sure that I have any talent, but I'd like to do a writing course.'
'I don't doubt that you have talent. What is really stopping you?'

I don't remember what I said. I've been sitting here for a few minutes trying to reconstruct that conversation. I probably said that the children still took up a lot of time and I wasn't sure which course to pick. I no doubt gave her any excuse that I could come up with in the moment.

What I didn't say was that I had zero confidence; that the thought of actually doing what I really wanted to do filled me with fear and anxiety, because somewhere in the doing of the course it would be proven categorically that I had no talent.

I do remember her telling me to research writing courses and that next time we met I should let her know which course I had decided on and my reasons for choosing that particular course. She was tough under that sweet surface of hers!

I did do the research and I chose a course that would give me a smattering of choices for a possible writing life; subjects concerning journalism, writing critiques, writing film scripts, adapting one form of writing to another, starting a novel, and so on. I was hedging my bets; that if I was useless in one form of writing I might be better in another. Truthfully, I really wanted to go to the same institution that my youngest son attends now, but it is highly selective and I simply didn't think that I could ever be chosen. So, I downplayed my interest in it.

She was happy with my selection and explanation of my choice, though she did question me about the generalist, academic nature of my selection.  I think she would have been happier with a course that focused specifically on creative writing. It probably would have been a wiser choice, in retrospect, although the course I did expanded my mind and that's a good thing. She was happy enough until I said that I wouldn't enrol in the upcoming study period but rather wait until the new year which was in several months.

'Oh no you don't,' she said more forcefully than any other statement she had ever made, or would make to me. 'You're enrolling right now!' So, I did. I felt I had no choice and that was probably also a good thing.

I remember beginning the very first subject and there were twelve in all. I remember thinking, 'Well, I haven't a clue how to do this so I have nothing to lose.' I remember it being a huge accomplishment in my mind when I could find all the material and sites and discussion boards; you name it. Technologically, I was a dinosaur being drawn into a new era.

I remember having to choose another writing student as a writing buddy and I quickly formed the impression that one young man would be ideal for me. His style of writing and interests were entirely different to mine, but he was smart, witty, open and friendly. We got on very well given all the differences. I remember him having to formally critique a piece of writing of mine for the first time. I had made so many fundamental mistakes but he saw something fresh and honest in the writing and he's always been encouraging to me. I remember getting a Distinction for that subject and that gave me some slight optimism in my own ability to survive the course.

I remember taking on two subjects the next semester and at one point half way through the semester my nerve cracked. I wrote to the tutor of my 'Writing History' subject and said that I had taken on too much and perhaps should withdraw from her subject. She wrote back to say that was unnecessary since I was well on my way to a very high score. There it was again, a fundamental refusal to believe in myself, and to be genuinely shocked at the positive comments she made.

I remember getting back the result of one story I had submitted and the tutor noting in her comments   that she was sure that I would be published very soon.  I thought she was 'bullshitting'. I wanted to believe it. I just did not.

I remember writing to another writing student and sharing with her that I had no faith in my own ability at all. She wrote back and said, 'Sweetie, if you have no confidence in your own ability then we are all doomed. Everybody on that discussion board can see you have ability.' More bullshitting. It was kind, but it didn't mean anything to me.

Conversely, I took constructive criticism very personally. I didn't disagree with it. It just went straight to my soul as a wound. High Distinctions did little to deter me from my fundamental belief that I was winging it somehow; tricking them.

Towards the end of the course another writing student asked for stories for her online literary magazine. I sent her a story that I wrote immediately the course was over. It was a story for myself; relief from the academic rigours of the MA; kinky. She liked it and published it. But, guess what? I showed it to no-one and only mentioned it in passing to the family. She asked for more. I have yet to provide them.

Then, something shifted. I had read Elizabeth Strout's The Burgess Boys and loved it. I listened to her being interviewed on a podcast and something about her comments about her writing life resonated with me. Then, I starting reading Colm Toibin - his collection of short stories The Empty Family, and two of his novels, Brooklyn and Nora Webster. I listened to everything I could find where he was being interviewed. Then, I returned to Strout and did the same thing.

Ever so gradually it began to sink into my psyche; the sort of writer that I was, what it was possible to do, and how it was possible to do it; that I'd make many mistakes before I could produce something I was happy with; that I wasn't a normal person at all but a writer who must write; that the events and preoccupations of my life were enough to create many stories.

I am what is known as a spare writer, and a writer who needs to create characters with rich internal worlds, and that was acceptable. But, I needed to work on creating muscular sentences. I needed to sit down every day and write so that the writing would improve. I wasn't talentless, but nor could I be lazy. This is what I learned from those podcasts and Utube videos. God bless the Internet.

In the past few weeks my internal world has changed. The possibilities seem endless. I am beginning to talk to my family in a new way. My writing is my work I told them; not housework or cooking or arranging things. I'll do my share, I said, the lion's share, of course. But, I wanted them to pull in too. I want time to sit and hone my craft.

On Tuesday, I noticed myself slip. I'd exercised in the morning and the plan was to get to my Meditation group at noon. However, the state of the house overwhelmed me. In the end I wasn't going to be able to meditate in a group knowing that I had endless things to do at home. I stayed home and sorted so that I could write later in a clear and tidy space. In my defence I am not the sort of person that needs to clean the entire house in order to write, but nor can I alter my mind such that I can write surrounded by mess. It's not even an excuse. It's just the environment I need to be able to enter my sub-conscious and draw out what I need for the scenes.

I remembered this morning a lovely man who was a correspondent of mine for some time. He wasn't shy in sharing his opinions with me and he said that it was funny that I longed to travel and yet I loved to be at home. I finally figured this out. I do desperately want to write. It's a huge need. I look to the outside world for inspiration and energy, but I look to my internal world and my home as the place where creativity lives. This makes home very important to me.

I have a very long way to go, but there is a modicum of belief in myself right now. I have my fingers crossed that I can build on this small start.

Girls with glasses

The truth is I have occupied the end chair of my dining room table for the best part of four days. My assignment is hard work and I've had to do that to reach critical mass.

I've submitted what was due so far just now (this post is my reward) but an hour ago my husband put his head around the corner and said, "So, how are you doing?" I sighed and slid my reading glasses up on my head. I proceeded to explain that there was so much learning to be had in this body of work I didn't want to short change myself and do it quickly.

He listened and then he said,

"You look hot! You look so scholarly and so cute in those glasses."

I smiled. I needed a compliment about then.

Of course, it won't come as a surprise, I don't think, that I do take little breaks during my learning and writing periods. Thank God for tumblr and all the naughty people I follow who allow my brain to rest and recover from all those convoluted ideas!

I went looking for a photograph of a girl with glasses and one of the 'bimbos' I follow had this delightful pikki to share. Who said glasses weren't sexy?

Leadership skills

I have been thinking about 'dominance' and in fact, it is just another word for 'leadership'. I've been reading about leadership and it is broken down to five key components.

- self management
- leading others
- task management
- innovation
- social responsibility.

There is far too much material within those five categories to deal with all categories so I want to focus on self-management.  Within self-management, there are issues of self control, stress tolerance, personal resiliency, work life balance and adaptability.

Leaders need to have knowledge of human behavior, to be comfortable interacting and working with others, to seek out ways to assist people in their duties and they must be able to nurture relationships, building positive and co-operative working relationships with others and maintaining relationships over time.

I have never thought of myself as a leader mainly because I am not motivated to want to be a leader.  I don't have a strong desire to lead others but if I were placed in that situation I think I could do it, with proper training. I'd like to attend one of those 'leadership conferences' and get all the material I'd need to lead well, and then I'd simply apply it. I would not be entirely comfortable. The mere thought of having to reprimand someone makes me feel very uncomfortable but if I had to acquire these skills I think I could.

In terms of self-management, well that's what I have been learning and focusing on since the day I began this web journal. I've been working on self control and stress tolerance and personal resiliency as well as adaptability, and I've continued to try to get the work life balance correct in my life. Without blowing my own trumpet too loudly I'd say I'd made pretty huge gains on that front, and how interesting it is that both a leader and a subordinate (submissive) require those skills in spades.

There are issues associated with acquiring those skills, however. I have learned not to argue back, not to cause any rumpus, and to absorb upset. I have developed my own ways of settling myself and dealing with any distress. I'm so good at this that someone who is leading me may get entirely the wrong impression - that I am satisfied and settled within myself.

This reverts back to the fact that it is vital in a power exchange for there to be free-flowing communication back and forth. A submissive or subordinate needs to feel free to respectfully explain an issue. When the leader makes an error or fails to exhibit self-control I see it as important that this is acknowledged. It encourages a good rapport between the two of them and makes the subordinate feel respected and safe under that leadership. No-one is comfortable under tyranny and those leaders who don't acknowledge their errors and who don't invite rational, free-flowing discussion using modulated voices are at risk of closing subordinates (submissives) down. That's not a good thing for anyone because without the support of subordinates, the leadership is in peril.

Leadership takes a lot of work and amongst all the skills that need to be learned and attended to over time, none is more important I think than having self-awareness and self-insight. If your emotions are often out of your control, then you need to go back to basics and develop self-control skills. I am here to tell you that it can be done with hard work. There is just no way that you can expect self control of your subordinate or submissive if you can't demonstrate to him or her that you have worked on these skills yourself.

Disobedience doesn't pay

Why are they looking so glum, so worried?

Well, they were put to bed in the usual way, tucked in, the light put out and told to go straight to sleep. But, once they heard Matron's steps walk down the passage and the door of her bedroom close, they oh so quietly began gathering the food and drink they had been hoarding for the past week.

Joan had bought  the sweets in town last Saturday and Mildred had saved the cake her mother had sent her, to share with her friends for their planned midnight feast. Patricia's contribution had been to buy a bottle of lemonade after her hockey game against the other local grammar school in a nearby town. She'd rushed to the store and purchased it before the bus departed back to school. It had been daring of her and her heart was racing the whole time.

The girls sat down in the middle of the room on the rug, smiling deviously at their cunning to have mastered the plan but when Sarah quietly brought from behind her back a small bottle of Vodka the girls could not contain their squeals of glee. Oh!, the naughtiest of them all, sexy Sarah had been given the remains of the bottle of Vodka by a boy she sometimes met behind the boat sheds for a pash and she had saved it for this special occasion.

They were so enjoying themselves, gobbling down the cake, and having swigs of the contraband alcohol that they hadn't heard anything in the hall at all. Suddenly, the door opened and the light was flung on.

"What is the meaning of this?" Matron wanted to know. "You girls will pay with your hides for this flaunting of school rules!

The girls suddenly weren't so happy. Sarah tried to hide the vodka bottle behind her back.

"Sarah, bring your hands where I can see them," Matron demanded.

Sarah had no choice but to obey.

"Alcohol!! Not in my dormitories, young lady. I shall see to it that the Master gives you all a very sound hiding. Go and wait outside his office at once!"

And, so there the young ladies sat, waiting for the Master to receive them.

The Matron had needed to get him out of bed since for once he had decided to have an early night. He wasn't happy and the scowl on his face as he made his way past them to his office assured the girls that they would not be sitting so comfortably again for at least a week.

Poor Sarah, the girl to the far right, the one sitting a bit separate to the others, would take her turn last, as one might have predicted.

The procurement of alcohol was strictly against school rules and it had meant that the Master had needed to telephone Sarah's father and inform him of the situation. They had a choice in such situations - either a week's suspension from school or an extra twelve of the cane. Her father wasted no time in choosing an extra dozen stripes for his daughter  and recommended that they not be forgettable. The Master assured him that Sarah would not forget the disciplinary session for some time to come.

And, so we leave the girls to contemplate the Master's disappointment in their behavior and to ponder the veracity of their ill-conceived plan. How much better it would have been to be good and simply obey.

Nirvana

In light of the last post and comments I wanted to share some words that I found on Twitter a few weeks ago. I have been reading these words most days and I really think it is something to strive for - not to reject an emotion but not to allow it to alter the way you see the world. I suppose another way of saying that is to be aware of the emotion but not to let it take you over. I don't think that is an easy thing to do but with awareness of how one is feeling and how one's body is reacting, I think it is possible. Nirvana.


"Observing is experiencing without judgement or intent.
It is easy to feel great when you are living without anger. But what happens when anger enters the picture?
The spiritual path is not about keeping out the ‘negative’ things and cultivating the ‘positive’ things. The spiritual path is about ceasing to divide Existence one way or another. That is unity: no divisions, no boundaries.
It is okay to be angry so long as you are more Being than Anger. When your anger overtakes your awareness of Being, you lose consciousness to a degree. That is when you say things you regret, speak before thinking, and generate karma. Karma can only come for ignorance.
If you can empty yourself out, regardless of what emotion you feel, then you are perfectly fine. Keep emptying, keep meditating. If emotions are no trouble for you, and no source of ignorance, then keep on keeping on.
But if you feel the need to reject an emotion, then you will create problems for yourself. Then you will start avoiding all things that incite that emotion.
Observing your emotions as they come, and letting them come, means to allow yourself to feel however you are feeling.
Most people feel anger and have one of two reactions: they either wish to pass on that anger through some sort of punishment or blame on another person, or they wish to escape that anger.
A precious few people can feel anger, open themselves to the experience of it, without allowing that anger to spill over into their speech and perception of the world.
When you are angry, the world looks different. When you are sad, the world looks different. When you are ecstatic, the world looks different. Is it the world that is changing or you? What’s the difference? What’s the truth of the matter?
The answer doesn’t matter as much as the question. If the world is constantly shifting according to your mood, then what is the use of acting on your moods? They are evanescent and narrow your perspective.
When an emotion comes to you, if you can experience it without adopting the perspective of the emotion, then you will know a taste of freedom from samsara.
Samsara is a cycle of ignorant and mindless reaction. Nirvana is the spontaneity of Existence. They aren’t separate.
I hope this helped. :)
Namaste!"