Behavior

Raising memories and feelings from the sub-conscious can take a long time. If I had been absorbed in a life of full time employment I am not sure that I would have been able to see the full picture of my life, and the lives of other people who I know well. It's not just come to me in snippets here and there; a thought that has halted me such that my mind insists on it being further explored, or a piece of conversation that has struck me as happening thousands of times before, but ultimately as the complete story of an era, of several families over the generations whose lives have intertwined to bring us to the modern day.

It has a unique quality about it - certainly the characters are unique - but also a universal quality about it; that there are soul mates all about me nearly all of whom I will never meet, who have vaguely similar stories with the same theme. I wonder if they are still trying to nut it out - why he responds the way he does, why she responds the way she does...some sort of dance with a vaguely familiar tune. How did we finds ourselves here on the dance floor again, she wonders. Unless you can break it down for yourself, it's a language and a scene from the movie of your life that seems indecipherable.

When and if you do come to realize that you got where you are, or where you were, through a series of  events where little people weren't treated well and grew up with deficits that they then exposed other people to, especially their own children, but perhaps too their siblings and people at their work place, or just in the wider world, you begin to see the damage delivered to the world by the behavior of the individual.

If we posit that even huge world events such as a World War can begin with an event, with individuals not being able to have a conversation that is reasonable and fair, we begin to see how devastating it is to have individuals in any sort of power situation who are not fully formed; rather living out their lives in terms of an inflated ego and crippled morality.

The crisis of a World War, or any war, leaves countless human beings having seen and experienced devastating carnage; the physical body and mind broken.

Survivors return to a more peaceful world once the conflict has reached an end, for now, but with broken minds, they often are in no position to parent the next generation. But, they do, and therein the damage is inflicted once again on innocent children. It goes on and on.

Until, with luck, the behavior is brought to the surface. Until, somehow it gets through to the person that these are people you love and you don't really want to hurt those you love, do you?

Awareness is everything. For as long as we allow unaware behavior to march on into the future, behavior that carries the scars of the past, we can't break out of the cycle of toxic shame, of mental anguish, of an egoic identity that demands its way. For as long as the more empathic souls amongst us allow this demonic egoic identity to thrive in others, refusing to build barriers against such outlandish behavior, we can't stop the devastation of a tidal wave of destruction knocking down the doors of our homes and our world.

This is, if for no other reason, why it seems such a downward turn for our civilization to be satisfied when any person who is so full of himself as to say that he thinks he is the best at nearly everything, to have great power. What the World needs now is full understanding of the overarching damage done by narcissistic abuse; not more people wrapped up in their own importance, but more people willing to devote themselves to providing the love, attention and care that the next generation need in order to stabilize this world and recover from the last century.

It sometimes feels to me like we are living in a world where so many people walk around like aliens without a brain that can decipher right from wrong; that think of manipulative strategies as downright clever. If we don't wake up by the millions pretty darn soon I think we are writing our own death warrants here. The world won't withstand the neglect.

The Narcissistic Cycle

From the moment we take our first breath we expect life to revolve around us. It is all about our needs. We want out stomachs filled and our diaper changed; to be held when we desire and for people to stop holding us when we desire to be alone. Over time, we learn that it is not all about us, and this comes as a deep shock to some children. The adults around them may wonder, why is he or she so desperate for attention? Generally speaking, little people learn to adjust to the real world, being a cog in the big wheel of life. Some people even enjoy their humility. But, for a significant minority, it really does suck to not be in the limelight, to not have a great deal of attention; to not reach some great height in life.

Of course, expression of a narcissistic personality isn't something that you can plot on a line. There are grades of narcissism and according to the level of narcissism expressed, we have some idea as to people's reactions to narcissistic injury. So much of the behavior is covert; covered up; a secret. It can take a good deal of looking before your eyes stop deceiving you.

It is almost impossible to be certain what leads to this behavior in adulthood, but there are two theories. Either the parents created a golden child who did no wrong and and certainly deserves the abundance of praise, glory and possessions the child is given, or else the parents were cold; unresponsive to the child's needs and withholding of praise and love.

It seems that it may well be something that happens about the age of 7 or 8 that can lead to permanent damage in the psyche; a scary thought for me since I work with children of that age. It is also fascinating that it is the occurrence of some damage to the psyche at this same age that can set the child up for a future cancer. Children need to express their emotions. You don't want them feeling that they must contain these emotions. Indeed, it is important that they share them with you. Having dinner together regularly is a great insurance policy because that's a time when concerns are raised.

For some people the swings and arrows directed at their sense of self is so great that they must create an inner sanctum. The chances of being invited into this inner sanctum of their minds is remarkably low for the very reason they fear going through the portal of their inner sanctum themselves. If they cannot enter, then you certainly must be kept out. Thus, the false self is created.

The narcissistic personality requires confirmation; validation; attention. With a low supply of empathy for others or a sense of guilt at their disposal, for their psyche rotates around their own desperate and urgent needs to feel better, people that come into their orbit are at risk of being manipulated to serve the N's needs.

Not all people with a narcissistic personality are wildly intelligent and abound with charm. Some people are mildly narcissistic in personality whilst others are in the mid range. Then there are others that are Masters at the game. How they experience themselves within their own skin can vary wildly from their outward appearance and behavior. It's the pressing need to have their needs met that have them behaving in certain ways because supply must be found and, if we are talking of a primary source, secured.

The appetite for supply can often be voracious and this makes secondary supply and even tertiary supply very important; not as important as the primary supply, most often the romantic partner, but still, an important source for supply. It could be a lover, a co-worker or even a stranger on the street. It is an insidious, all encompassing thing for some people.

There is a pattern, easily recognized when you know what you are looking for, but far too irresistible to reject when you do not. Submissives, yearning to submit as they do, are far less likely to see the master narcissist coming.

The golden period when the narcissistic is a delight to be around and you think you have found the perfect match is, well, golden. It feels special; heady; a high. Is there anything better than this, you wonder?

Unfortunately, the need for supply prevents this period from being permanent. There are a couple of things to note here. Positive supply isn't permanently enough; not even close. The N must have negative supply as well. He or she wants you to love them, but they also want you to sometimes hate them. How else can be there a contrast? How else can there a full expression of their control? Secondly, things go off the boil for the N. He needs to stir the pot; either to get some supply from another source, or have a cooling off period to gather strength and/or recover from a serious narcissistic injury. Either way, the golden period ultimately comes to an end or is patchy at best.

Confusion abounds. Drastic efforts are made; herculean attempts to return to that golden of golden periods of time. And yet, no matter how many hurdles you jump or how many sacrifices you make, that period of time is indeed gone; history; vamoose; vanished in a puff of smoke. It may return in some form or measure for limited periods of time, but the close connection between you is never quite reached. Nor are any attempts to discover the reasons for the change ever revealed or explained.

Probably, the narcissisticly challenged person has awareness; perhaps he or she does not. What matters to him is that he doesn't feel good and it's this drastic search to feel better that really matters to him or her. It drives everything.

Remember this: You didn't cause this situation and you can't fix this situation. You can, however, call it for what it is. You can even empathize, if your heart is big, deep and wide. Let's face it, as a submissive, you have bucket loads of empathy and forgiveness; endless supplies of understanding and an abundant willingness to wonder if you are to blame. For your own preservation of sanity, resist accepting the blame. In this way, you will heal.