Change

Change is inevitable. We alter when we least expect it, or even want it. There is a tide that flows within us below the surface such that our actions may seem random when in fact they are the outcome of a kaleidoscope of thoughts, actions and reactions. Days turn into months and we realize that we may not be able to return to that person we were back then. We have become another version of ourselves.

The power exchange relationship ideally travels along a continuum where there are rituals and rules that accord with the foundation of the agreement, with more rituals or symbols added as time goes by. It feels comfortable and right; more of the same, but more tight and more intense.  Control.

If one can depend on nothing else in this world there is the assurance for the Dominant that the submissive will follow where he leads. There's growth; the kind of growth where the obedience is ever more relied upon; deeper; darker. For some people it works this way. The conditioning makes for this outcome. The very survival of what they have together depends on this outcome.

I think for some of us, however, the level of submission, and even the submissive response itself is not nearly as steady as this. There are moments, passages of time in a person's life, when what one has done until now almost makes no sense. It's a daunting and confusing experience because we've come to rely on that response as being an important part of us and then, suddenly, it can feel like it has vanished.

I strongly doubt that such an important and enduring component of a personality can actually vanish but it can, I am sure, look like it. What has actually happened is that the response is temporarily dormant for reasons that seem, at first blush, incomprehensible.

I could, if I felt so inclined, take the necessary measures to fixate again on my own lascivious lust. I've done it before and thus I can say with authority, it's not hard. But, the motivation is not there. It's just not there and I don't feel inclined to force my hand just for the sake of feeling better or putting things right if it comes at the expense of exploring this current lack of motivation towards the submissive response; letting it be and seeing where it leads. The impulse is to just live rather than question it's right to exist; allow it rather than force it down below the surface.

It's not entirely gone, of course. That's the thing about a submissive response. My husband tied my wrists over the weekend just before I went to sleep and I loved that feeling all through the night; loved the sense of being wholly alive that I felt between my legs the next day.

It's something to do with variety. This thought came to me this morning as I woke. I've been doing the same thing, admittedly very successfully, for about 6 or 7 years, and my mind seems to be demanding change. How could anyone, I asked myself, continue to do the same things forever? Why would it be important for a dominant to insist upon that, when the one thing we do know is that we are forever changing? It's curious that a doll can live forever being a doll, no change for objects, but a woman does change; matures and evolves. This is to be expected and ideally, desired.

Change scares me but so too does complacency and complete stability; tedium. As disconcerting as it is to be beyond the barriers, there is simply no other choice right now. I'm not looking necessarily to see if there is another way to do this. I'm looking to see if there is another way to commute with the world. I'm looking for conversation that allows me to feel closer to the nub of what it is to be human rather than what it is to be 'toy'. I'm reaching out rather than looking in.

I'm saying that this blog was set up to support a specific state of mind and being; as if control or lack of control was the only way to express oneself; one is submissive or one is dominant. I'm not doubting that I am submissive in nature but my mind is doubting if this is the only way to express my entity in the world. I feel like a child that loves his childhood home and will wish to return from time to time but instinctively knows it is time to venture further.

I'm not concerned that this space doesn't allow for my love of gardens, or fashion, or literature or film. I'm concerned, and putting it into words is so difficult, that I can't tolerate being split into two any more: girl here and toy there; silenced in a way where only the toy's impulses are welcomed. What I find that I must give exploration to is the idea, the right of most human beings, that I am a whole human being and that to cut off parts of me, to only want part of me, isn't really what I want. To be pleasing is a very natural way to live and yet there is something driving me to put myself first this time; to answer for myself the question, without prejudice: What do I want?

Kinks

A week ago I delivered an ultimatum to my husband - either he pursue some further assistance for himself and make efforts to explore his condition psychologically, rather than just from a bodily perspective, or else we'd have to think about whether our paths might need to diverse in the future. I asked him, quite simply, to do it for me. Even if he didn't believe there was a single benefit to be had by exploring his mind for answers, I wanted him to do it for me.

He responded to that and at this stage he has agreed to pursue it immediately. That is to say, we've had conversations in the past where he agreed to do this but he did not follow through. In other words, it was a hollow promise. So, this time I made the appointment and gave him the necessary information.

What we are dealing with is his overall malaise but also we are dealing with the fact that I have a kink and he does not. After so long, once the Pandora's box was opened it was never going to satisfactorily close, and my kink remains. I don't anticipate that it will ever go away. I crave to be lovingly dominated. I crave for my whole self to be present in my life, day by day.

Life without sex as I'd like it to be is hard. Life with very little sexual activity at all, as if we are living together as very good friends, borders on insufferable for me. I know that millions of couples end up this way somewhat satisfactorily, but it is something I am finding too hard to bear.

I've been to my doctor to talk about this situation and he's referred me back to my psychologist whom I will see tomorrow. I plan to be much more direct with her about who I am and what I need in my life. I will not leave my school aged son prematurely but I cannot and will not live a life that demands that I quash my kink on all but the oddest occasions.

I did not ask for this kink and nor can I do much about it. As it has been denied expression it simply grows in hunger and a demand to be expressed. There is no answer in denying its existence, either via my efforts to assure myself I will be all right (I won't), nor by my husband's going about our lives as if it did not exist and as if he has no part to play.

Further (and more truthful and explicit) therapy hopefully will hold the key as to where we go from here, but the simply truths are that:

1) I have a kink/fetish that requires a loving dominant in my life.
2) It doesn't go away by willing it to do so.
3) Either my partner in life is willing to accommodate my kink in his life or he is not.
4) I must make decisions about the rest of my life based on the above criteria.