The need for dominance

The way you can tell if you are a naturally attuned submissive, it seems to me, is how you respond to a lack of dominance in your life. It could be for any reason - you've mutually agreed to end your relationship, or to have a break in the arrangement, or your dominant is busy and preoccupied, or you've asked for a break from the dominance yourself. The outcome for you, no matter the reason, is a sense of loss and disequilibrium. Far from the unequal nature of the D/s relationship providing this disequilibrium, as some people may judge it,  the submissive mind processes the so-called equality that she finds herself sharing with the dominant - present or absent - as deeply disquieting.

To go one step further, I think the submissive who finds herself without a dominants input can experience that as feeling unloved. The simple fact is that a submissive mind such as mine views dominance as an act of love and thus it doesn't strike her as illogical that a lack of dominance can be viewed as love having disappeared from her life.

I'm not saying that I can't have moments of happiness and joie de vivre without a feeling of dominance hovering over my head. It doesn't prevent me from revelling in a piece of classical music or a favourite CD, from enjoying arranging a vase of flowers or having a conversation with an interesting person. I can forget that foreboding sense of loss that hovers over me most of the time when dominance is absent from my life, but what I can't do at such times is feel even fleetingly as if all is right with my world.

I have wondered if this sense of loss is about losing challenge, but it is too simplistic an answer since I can challenge myself in others ways and remain feeling incomplete. No, what I miss is the opportunity to sink deep into my inner world because he has sunk deep into his inner world. He is the conduit to my sense of peace because his natural and instinctive desire to be the boss together with his understanding that I need a boss allows me to fly free.

If I am truly honest here, reveal the inner workings of my mind, I need that boss to not waver.  It is no favour to me to not provide the necessary discipline, in spite of the fact that I truly loathe being in trouble. I can't even begin to tell you how much I despise being punished for misdeeds because my punishments are decided from the short list of those things I utterly loathe. Yet, when I have trawled through all the negative emotions over that time I always return to the fact that nothing could possibly be more challenging to me than no dominance at all.

I occupy myself with many activities and thoughts in a week but it is remarkable how often my mind returns to some element of the D/s dynamic. It is in moments when I am reminded of what I should and should not do (a very few examples might be when I get ready for bed and it is time to insert a plug, or after dinner when I remind myself that I am not meant to eat anything else until the next day, or when I go the nail salon and give instructions as to the shape of my nails, or how I respond when I am approached sexually, or what I determine to wear in the morning...) that I experience comfort. Dominance has formed a part of my life, lightened by load, made me feel beautiful, cherished and loved. Each moment my mind returns to this reality, it fills me with a sense of gratitude and I live over once again the wonder that someone has allowed me to live as I was designed to live, as I naturally entered this world.

I wish I could report it differently but the facts are that without a strong sense of submitting to a fairly unwavering dominant I feel discombobulated to the point where it is very hard to get through the night without waking for long stretches. In fact, this is when I feel it the most. The days are not nearly as bad as those moments when my sub-conscious is allowed to roam during sleep. 'Something's wrong' it seems to say and suddenly I am wide awake, pining, wanting, deeply desiring what I don't have: restrictions, demands, limits and rules. I lay my head on the pillow and pray that I may sleep through to morning, but it is rarely the case when I am a free agent.

I know enough that in all situations I must adhere to a certain way of structuring my life and of thinking about myself and the processes of my day. To abandon what I know to do, just because I am on my own for any length of time is the path to a sense of feeling dysfunctional and unloved. I stay the course. This is how I get by. But, to feel cherished; to feel at peace within my own mind such that a full night's sleep is mine there must be that person who is the conduit to a sense of peace and well being. We all need nourishment, hydration, shelter and sleep. To my list of needs I would add, dominance.