Feeling State Theory and Intense Sex

I am becoming familiar with Feeling State Therapy. An example was given of a young woman who was crying herself to sleep every night because she missed her boyfriend so much. They had recently broken off their relationship.

The therapist asked her to think of a time that was particularly memorable with her boyfriend and she remembered immediately a time when they went dancing. She was asked how that make her feel and she replied that at that moment she felt "special" which is, of course, a perfectly normal and natural human desire.

There were lots of aspects of their relationship that she didn't miss and hadn't enjoyed but dancing with him, feeling special, had become associated with him, and she missed that feeling, more than she missed him, which was quite a revelation to her. This conversation eased her loss of the relationship and she stopped obsessing and stopped crying too. Now, she was free to find the feeling of being special in some new way other than feeling it all hinged on her boyfriend.

This prompted a somewhat new line of thought for me. I thought about the times when I have felt elated, buoyant, fully present and alive and I would have to say, as sluttish as it is going to sound, that I have felt most thrilled and exuberantly happy and authentically me when I have had sex in something of a primal way.

I remember once thinking that if a man gives a woman an intense full body sort of orgasm, in her mind regardless of their future projectory, they would be somewhat wedded for life. That is, in the corner of her mind, no matter how far into the distance the experience was, she would hold a torch for that man. For example, I remember once an orgasm so overtaking of my senses and so overwhelming that my mind completely shut down in a total yogi sort of way. I go to that particular second in time quite often and relive it in my mind and my body because it was a moment that stands out to me as one of the most significant moments of my life.

I don't think I felt "special" or that I "belonged" or that I was "cared for", the big things that people desire. I just felt authentically me. I felt...alive. I felt..."free". Yes, feeling free is a big human desire of some people.

If we associate our big desire with a person, or a thing, we get some addictive or obsessive thinking going on. I know this from experience. In Feeling State Theory I believe the idea is that if it is not possible to feel free with that person any longer for whatever reason, it's the therapist's job to help the client find some other way to feel free, or whatever it is they desire to feel.

It seems that for some of us, intense sexual experiences are deeply desired and freeing, and there's nothing wrong with that, so long as you embrace that with someone who also wants to give you those intense experiences, and that this arrangement works into your life in a harmonious way. It's perfectly simple really, in theory anyway.

Loving two men

What fascinates me is how life keeps changing and we keep changing but that fundamentally we don't change. We can gain great insight, but at the core we simply do not change. I think that for quite some time I fought against that and to some extent I always will.

I happen to be one of those people, perhaps caught up in the mix of a difficult personal dilemma, that wanted to explore and understand what was happening to her inside. I think Jane Fonda did something similar. Conscious that she didn't feel "whole", that she wasn't able to bring "her whole self" to the table in her marriage with Ted Turner, she left a man she loved and decided to build a new life for herself. That's no small thing. It takes a lot of courage to do that.

I listen to TED talks regularly and in her talk about vulnerability Brene Brown talked about her research and how "wholehearted people" have the courage to be imperfect, to tell who they are with their whole heart; be compassionate with themselves and with others.

I think I've embraced vulnerability in this web journal. I think I've talked about myself with my whole heart. I've explored what I do wrong and I what I do right. I've be open to growing and exploring. I've been open to changing. I did change. I learned a great deal, not just about myself but how to be a better person. Most of all I learned to accept. But, the very core of me; what I'd love to have, experience and feel - that's just the same. That didn't change. That won't change.

Here's what I know. I married very young. I was only 24 years old and I really didn't know enough about myself to be choosing a partner for the rest of my life. It's the lucky 24 year old that does manage to do that. Yet, in so many ways we have been very well suited. There must have been some good and natural instincts that were aiding me and I married a good man; a kind man. We both wanted children and to be part of a family and we really were, as much as anyone can be, good parents. There is an enormous amount of love going around our family. Most important of all, all the children feel that they are 'good enough'. All the children believe that they are worthy of love and belonging, and as Brene Brown says, that is the real job of parents.

I'm someone who thrives on sexual and physical attention; the sort of romantic love where I feel someone is leading the way. The fucktoy 'cindi' wasn't created for me. It was simply brought out with higher definition. It's always been this way. I radiate with that sort of sexual attention and I suffer when I feel that the relationship has, in my eyes, dwindled down to a more vanilla style marriage. Even in a vanilla style marriage, he leads the way. I don't interfere, nor really ask at all about finances, because he doesn't want me to and I abide by that.

Even in a vanilla marriage I've learned to be calm, patient, to repeat what I say endlessly; to be respectful; kind, caring; giving; loving. I maintain my standards. He can be overbearing (he's really very dominant in that he wants things his way) and I use breathing techniques if I find myself too upset. If I need to approach him with my distress, I do so in a calm and considered way. I've learned a lot of communication techniques along the way.

Most of all, I give him the private and personal time he needs. I aim now never to complain about his screen and working time that can have him up until the middle of the night many nights in a row, leading him to wear himself out. I take my opportunities to remind him of good daily practices: exercise and sleep. I encourage him to keep his worrying to specified times.  I encourage him to walk with me; to have breakfast out with me; to go to the movies with me. I continue to suggest and he'll take me up on these ideas. I keep trying to forge a connection in any way I can without it impinging too much on my life. I'm  not good at sitting on the couch each evening, for example. I admit I'd rather do something else; read a book; satiate my BDSM desires by reading online.

There are times when he can thrill me. I'm not sure if these are times when he makes a big effort for me or if a moment has come when he has a desire himself to be darker. Either way, I get enormous benefit from these times. My love for him is deeper; stronger. My love of my life escalates and my spirits rise. They are the times when I write with positive spirit here in the journal. Know that any time I am happy here I have been roughly and rudely fucked.

The times in between those times can be very hard. I make every effort to live each moment with joy; to make the most of my days and to really live life. I can and always have taken great joy in a great many things and I was blessed with a sense of the ridiculous. I love to giggle and to be silly. But, I cannot deny that if I knew then, at 24 years old, what I know now I would need to take into my account my nature; the nature that persistently asks for a dominant man; the nature that asks in every bone of my being for a man to lead the way, not just in a financial sense or a father of the family sense, but in terms of a dominant man leading a submissive woman, in the bedroom and out.

The truth is that I want to feel the fucktoy at all times, whatever I am doing. I want demands made of me. I want to feel that dominant presence in my life; for the person who I know myself to be to be present; desired; relevant.

Here I am, almost wishing that age would eliminate my deep desires. But, I'm here to tell you that no matter how old you grow, they don't go away. They only increase in demand. And, here I am still loving the man I married 33 years ago; still trying to come to terms with the dilemma.

(Here's the link to the Brene Brown talk: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html)

The ideal man

Consider the ideal partner for a woman (like me). This is the sort of man that you find in romance novels. He's refined, for sure. He's well-dressed. He cares about his appearance and he is disciplined about his health. He exercises. He eats well and he speaks well. He is kind to animals - all that sort of sweet stuff.

He's attentive. He enjoys your attention. He really wants to be with you in all sorts of situations. More than that, he wants to know your mind - all of it. He wants the dirty thoughts as well.

He likes things to be relatively organized (he certainly doesn't have to be a neat freak!) and his life is balanced. There is room for work, play, the family, the guys and sport/fitness. He fits it all in because it is important to him to do so. It keeps him on a even keel. It keeps him content and an ideal man is definitely content.

Okay. So you have this very cool guy who is suave, sophisticated and especially delightful company.

Now, what?

Well, to be the ideal partner he needs to be naughty and he definitely demands to direct. It is not enough that he is respectful, kind, considerate yadda yadda. He needs to have 'a bit of the bastard' thrown in. He needs to have expectations, to be a bit unpredictable and to throw out a bit of a challenge here and there. He can't just be a good guy. A beautiful piece of jewellery as a gift every now and then is just brilliant and breakfast in bed is bountifully blissful.  But, so is a dare; a demand; declaration of the desire of a dastardly deed.

Keep that in mind, chaps.

The Training School - prelude

For as much as I do say here on these pages, there is so much that I can't say. How on earth can I type into this blank space for you all to read, the machinations of my kinky mind?

You surely would not be interested to know about the training school in my mind. How devilishly dirty you would think my mind if I were to detail what happens there.

As much as it will disgust you, I am prepared to reveal that what happens to me there is not at the hands of just one man. Not by a long shot! There are many men who train me at the school and in fact, this is an essential ingredient of the success of the training school. When my body is prepared for my owner, so too is my mind. My mind must become that of a fucktoy and so it is critical that the men have me understand that I may object to nothing.

I don't. I don't object to anything at all because I see what happens to other girls who object and I don't want that to happen to me. To be perfectly honest, I also don't object to my treatment because I have no reason to object. The men keep me in a state of readiness and desire that demands I receive a great deal of attention and it is beyond the scope of one man to fulfil my current needs once they have tapped into my hidden desires.

Sordid, despicable, dark and dirty things happen at the training school and all at the behest of my owner who has provided the men with a long list of requirements before I should be sent home.

Try not to think ill of me. I shall not share with you the demands made of me at the training school. Unless, of course, you want that.

Anal training, part 2

Dat gurl, Vesta, she had lotsa tingz 2 sey l8li but tankfooli, she gon now. She nys gurl, but gif cindi hedayk sumtimes. She tawki, tawki, tawki. Yadda. Yadda. Yadda.

So, now it cindiz tern 2 sey sumtin. Finali!

Dolliz liki cindi alweyz in trennin. Da trennin endless reeeli n der sooooo much 2 cover. Wun area of treynin dat tekz kwite a lung tym but beri importin 4 dolliz - anal treynin.

cindi had lotsa anal treynin n she pretti advansd now. It tooki her whyl 2 akept her big pluggi, but nowdeyz, it a pees of cake.

Da next ting u no, she eskd 2 wer da big pluggi eberi nite - "no kestunz". Wel, dat poot her hed in a spin but if dat da cumand, dat da cummand. So, now cindi wer da big pluggi eberi nite, sept 4 da okaysunel eggseptshin.

No soonr dan cindi hab dat cumand unda cuntrol, der a new cumand. Da new tot, da cindi reechd a poynt dat in order 4 her cuntaynmen 2 hab totel sukces, she need wer a pluggi doorin da dey 2. Nut da big pluggi, but a dey pluggi. In dis wey, cindi pluggi mor offen dan she nut pluggi.

Gosh. Dis hol new deel 4 cindi. Cindi let reederz in2 littel sekret bout dolliz. Gadda in close n lissen kerfulli. Nut wan owners n treynorz heer dis. Redi?

Wen dolliz reseeef new cumandz as challengin as dis wun, at ferst dey beri eggsytd. Dolliz beri beri eggsitable n dis maki dem beri wet. But, da next dey, wen da realiti set in, dat dis new cumand nut jus 4 wun dey, but 4 eberi dey of der lyvz, dey ken feel reziztens. N, at dat poynt, dolliz ken nut behav wel or accordin 2 der treynin. Kwiet now. Best 4 da owners n treynorz nut 2 no, cindi thinki.

However, wuns dolliz ova da reziztens of da new cumand, dey embrays da cumand. Dey dolliz afta ull. Wat expekt?

Cindi wer her dey pluggi ull afternoon heer n she reeli hav da best afternoon. She beri happi, beri dolli, beri peesfool an jus so dum dum dat she wan to dans.

N jus tinki, 2nite afta her showr, she wer da big pluggi 2 bed n ull nite!

It so wunderfool da lyf of a dolli.

Yayayayayay!

The wrapping

Regular readers will know that little Vesta has ventured quite a bit on the inside; in her mind. Her thoughts have meandered over various hills and valleys and she is having a marvellous time letting those thoughts out here, and elsewhere, in deliciously wicked ways. Some of those thoughts are darker than others and that is rather appealing to her. She can be rather naughty, indeed, in her thoughts.

That's the inside. But, what about the outside? I'm not an overtly sexy looking girl, though I don't know what is an overtly sexy looking girl. I know when I feel sexy and that is usually when I am wearing a dress which is shapely but fairly plain; heels, minimal but good looking jewellery, my hair freshly washed and blow dried, my makeup carefully applied; a little perfume. If I feel confident then I feel sexy; ready for anything. We girls need that burst of confidence, I think.

It has been suggested to me that as a man takes his girl deeper into her own mind and into his own desires for her, he might want her darker; perhaps, for her hair to be dyed a darker colour than her natural colour. For some years, I've actually added lightness to my natural hair colouring. It suits the tone of my skin and my eye colour. But, of course, as per my nature and desires, I am subject to persuasion and I have been giving this idea some thought. As a younger woman, my hair was a darker colour and when my friend made the suggestion of darker hair for a darker mind, I immediately thought back to a conversation with my old boss. I think I was about thirty years old.

We were sharing a quick bite to eat at a restaurant near the office sitting opposite one another when he looked at me and said, "I like your hair that darker colour. It gives you a hungry look." I didn't know what he meant and I still don't, but my friend's comment had me wondering all over again.

What does a man want in a woman's appearance? Does he want an angelic looking girl; one for whom butter wouldn't melt in her mouth? A 'bad girl' look; one who will accept his own dark desires with glee? Does he want her well groomed; a 'nice girl' who is kind and who can order his life? Does he want the sunny disposition of a giggly, smiling blond, or the mystery of the dark haired girl; unknown?

Or, whatever she is; blond, red head, black; does he wish to transform her into his own creation? I can only think of one scenario that it is unpalatable and that is that he does not care enough to at least try to transform her into that which is wholly pleasing to him.