Recently, I watched a show about 'Men'. What do men want?
One man made the comment,
"I love coming home. I love the time we share together just doing things at home."
Another man, whose wife had died said, "I used to love to watch her move to the music. She might be making dinner and I'd see her body begin to move gently to the rhythm. I loved that."
Sometimes, relationships can seem so complicated.
But, if he doesn't really want to come home; if he wonders what disaster or negative emotion will fall on his head tonight, then it is all going to be uphill.
The road to paradise is travelled one step at a time. Try this. Have a shower, wash your hair and put on a pretty dress. Make a nice meal. Smile. Offer him a glass of wine. Listen attentively if he wants to talk about something. Try not to be judgemental. Sit with him on the couch and drink your tea. Give him a little rub on the back.
Be nice. Maybe, he'll be nice back.
There you go. You're one step closer to paradise.
Yes. Yes. I know. Your grandmother did that. It is, indeed, old fashioned advice. But, you see, your grandmother was right.
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Don't men and women want the same things? Wouldn't a woman like to be received home like that (I concede that most men look silly wearing pretty dresses)? I agree with what you say, but couldn't you swap all the pronouns about and it would still be true?
ReplyDeleteSorry if it sounds like I'm picking a fight. I like your blog, with its focus on connection.
73: You are quite right, in my opinion. You could change around the pronouns and it would still apply. I know I'd be feeling very warm towards the man that welcomed me home in that way.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't happen to be my reality but on the rare occasion I've been looked after like this, I felt very loved and more than inclined to return that love.
Thank you for raising that point.
Vesta, there is so much that often resonates with me in your writings, but sweet girl, you LOST me with this one LOL-I actualy don't think a lot of grandmothers/mothers WERE happy- those that perhaps were content in submissive role, but LOTS were not who were relegated to narrow roles, had no rights, were used and abused at will.
ReplyDeletedamn girl! I work more hours than D.! A shower beofre he gets home? Hell, i'm usualy home AFTER him - and yeah, that is partially becuase of volunteer hours which I refuse to give up as those few hours working with the dogs are the few that are "mine".
I love stepping out of reality and getting away for a weekend with him when I cater to him hand and foot from bathing him, feeding him and nurturing - BUT our reality and I would venture to guess MOST people's today is that both members of teh household are dealing with similar stressors, time crunches and realities.
selkie: Quite seriously, when I saw you'd sent me a comment on this post, I cringed and closed my eyes to prepare myself before I read it. I was pretty sure I would have your back up! And, I was right!
ReplyDeleteNow, just settle down a moment. Here's MY reality today. My husband worked virtually all night last night and I couldn't sleep, aware of that. He got up super early to catch a flight and I got up to get the boys off to school. Yes, I did pound my body at the gym this morning (such indulgence!) but I spent the whole afternoon and early evening doing house work. This evening, I returned the video (which was not rented by me) and went grocery shopping. I returned home to cook us all a meal to find that one child was currently playing sport, one child was upstairs with his girlfriend doing naughty things, one child didn't want to eat, and one child had gone to a friend's house. It is late evening now and I have just been to collect the youngest child and feed him (coz that family is totally dysfunctional) and I've cleaned up the kitchen, again. Any minute now, the one with the girlfriend will come down and make something to eat and make another mess. Meanwhile they're all cross at me because I'm sick of cleaning up after them and said so! Soon, my husband will call to ask how are things and I'll pretend that all is well because there is no point in upsetting him when he has so much to achieve elsewhere.
Yes, life is stressful and full and some days are crazy. But, we have to make an effort to sometimes be good enough to each other to create a calm, happy and peaceful environment. I didn't get there today, but that doesn't mean that it isn't important to provide that sanctuary sometimes.
If we don't do that sometimes, look what happens! We start to sound a little crazy. (Come on, now, smile!)
Okay, forget the shower and the dinner. What about the cup of tea and the back rub? That's doable, right?
(Sir J, help me...!)
in all truth- we are fairly good about nurturing each other. oddly, we were discussing this last night. He admitted he LIKES being my focus (which he has been for more years than I can remember) - and likes the fact that i "do" things for him. Gym clothes are washed and clean and ready in his office whenever he goes to pack his bag, his lunch is there when he gets up to get ready for work (I make it before i leave for work), his vitamins (I have him on a vitamin regime, I designed for his needs)- are in their little compartments and all he needs to do is grab that day's capsules, when he goes to the cupbard to get his hot chocolate (he likes it before bed), the hot chocolate is there, magically, no matter how much he uses -
ReplyDeleteso there is nurturing for sure!
and yes, I do understand that you see nurtuering as a mutual thing - but yeah, the whole 50s feel of the original post got up my submissive feminist nose LOL
damn, and I hate the thought you "cringe" at my comments LOL
ReplyDeleteVesta,
ReplyDeleteI'm with you one hundred percent on this one! I do understand selkie's point in that I'm self-employed, and Mr Right only works about four to six hours a day and is off on fridays. He gets to his home long before I get to mine (or his), and I've never had the opportunity during the week to take a shower before I go to see him.
Having said that, I've been in enough relationships to know that the more I remain calm, peaceful, and happy, the better the relationships go. And, bringing him a drink, and giving him a footrub, is the least I can do to show him my love and consideration.
Now, I can also tell you that Mr Right does the same for me. as my Owner, Dominant, Sir (pick your choice of title), he says it is his responsibility to take good care of his property, or pet, or toy (pick your title) so that I will continue serving him to the best of my ability. He believes that it is part of his job as my Owner to make sure my needs are met, and that I am so, so that I will happily continue to serve. This is where the vanilla world, and truth be told, common sense enters the picture. We all have long, hard days, and we want our partner's happiness and comfort. That's simply part of loving and caring for another. So, I get back rubs, or coffee made for me, or simply tucked into bed to take a nap.
I think the home should be a sanctuary, and each person in that home should make an effort to keep it that way. Home is where the heart is. Peace and tranquility do much to sustain a person's heart and soul.
hugs,
cp
selkie: (makes note to self never to write about the 50s again...)
ReplyDeleteLet me address the cringing. I wrote this post directly after I read your last post. I wrote a seriously complicated comment for you and I abandoned it and wrote my post instead. It was designed to say that we can be terribly angry with a partner and question our faith in them and so on, but until we take one little baby step and then another little baby step, we can't get back to the relationship we want. It's lovely to read how kind you are to one another and that was entirely my point. Relationships are about looking after one another. I'm not going to hold my breath for my husband to make me dinner, but he does so many other things for me, what would be the point in me fussing about that detail? So, I be the boring 50s housewife if you will and make dinner every night and don't complain because he doesn't complain about all the work he does for us in so many other ways. If you change enough little details of life, the big things might just take care of themselves. And, little things are achievable. So, yes, I admit it. This post was designed just for you, my dear. Why? Because I want you to be happy and you will be! Do you hear me???!!!
cutesy pah: Yes, indeed. I understand what you are saying. The submissive looks after the dominant but in reality, the dominant is doing just as much for the submissive in the most effective relationships.
ReplyDeleteGosh, but you are having a good time, aren't you? Good for you!
Vesta - this is so close to conversations I have frequently with a very close friend that I can hear her voice in your words, including, and especially the part about just wanting me to be happy -damn it!
ReplyDeleteI think she sees my reality and doesn't understand how it could be appealing, much less ever joyful. Likewise, I tried her way for about 6 minutes and discovered I'm just not wired that way - an unhappy mom is not good for the family. But I admire her a great deal and I think it is mutual.
As I was asked I will wade into this decidedly female and submissive debate. I agree with the sentiment of Vesta's original post which I read as be nice and find a connection.
ReplyDeleteAs for the 50's wrapping it sounds nice and sometimes I like to experience it, that being said h is a professional woman who works far more hours than I do. I am almost always the first one home and although pretty in a dress they are hard to find in my size. So it is not my reality and I knew and excepted it would not be when I married her.
Truth be told I love how hard she works and I am proud of her for her accomplishments and have never wanted a stay at home wife. However in regards to the thought behind Vesta's post we try to put it into practice a lot. I may get home first but when she does the fist thing she does is come to me and greet me. I think my Grandmother would approve.
greengirl: We can't ever really get into another person's head, can we? What is happiness for one person could be hell for another. So, all we can do is talk things through and we all must find our own way. As someone who thought she could make change by insisting on it, I came to understand over time that it doesn't work that way. When I made baby steps, one baby step after the other towards achieving my desired outcomes, I found that got me much closer to where I want to go. That's my message. It can be taken or left. Free choice.
ReplyDeleteAnd, I'm so pleased to see you finding your way. I think the beginning of the journey (it is the beginning, isn't it?) is so darn exciting.
Sir J: Interestingly, I feel sure that my grandmother would not have approved of my life, adore me as she did. As well as having eight children, she ran a big business. My mother, similarly, was a business woman. I confess I hankered for family life and when my time came to choose, I chose to put my family above all other things. It was apparent from the outset that my husband was driven and that is still the case decades later. It would never have worked for me to have wanted a career as well. I have a strong desire to be needed, I guess. It sometimes overwhelms me.
ReplyDeleteVesta,
ReplyDeleteThank you - it is indeed - the very beginning, and also exciting. To not ignore your point - but change context a bit - it's sometimes just hard to want to take baby steps when you're having so much fun running.
greengirl: Bless you! I know that feeling so well. Run your heart out! Why not?
ReplyDeleteWell, clearly, with my track record, I cannot comment on how to keep a relationship going smoothly.
ReplyDeleteHOWEVER,
I can toss my two cents in about the frock.
One of the most depressing moments of my life was when I realized that a man looked better in my dress than I did!
It was Halloween, the couple were both cross-dressing, and I was the only person on the dorm floor tall enough to have something he could wear. He was Ethiopian and glowed in the apricot gown in a way that a Scots/Finn could never compete with.
You didn't even miss the boobs!
oy.
JZ
Jz: All I want to know is if I can get an invite to your party. We'd giggle our heads off!
ReplyDeleteBUT, there *is* a dress style for you, I am certain. And, there is a certain someone who enjoys getting involved in such matters. All you have to do is way the word...
You just want to sit back and giggle at the whole process!
ReplyDeleteBecause there's only one winner in that scenario, may I just point out?
The offerer of assistance will be beating their head against a wall, I'll be whining and tugging at my drooping undies, and YOU'LL be off in a corner, laughing yourself sick!
Vesta-as-sadist...
:-p
Jz
Jz: I confess that I am already giggling softly...
ReplyDeleteVesta, being busy with my own stuff, I missed all this entirely. I have just a couple of things to add. I am a working woman who often works longer hours than my husband. I also enjoy being welcomed home with a hit meal on the table. But I'll tell you what, I love doing that for him, and yes, it IS what a man wants! Or at least it IS what my man wants. He also loves doing for me as well.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I see no harm in referencing the 50's. Was it perfect? Heck no! But there are pieces of things that were wonderful that we seem to have lost in 2009. I don't want to go back, but I don't want to lose the wisdom of the intact marriage and connected family that was supported by both partners doing their part. Now we have many more options in terms of what that part is, but doing it is still essential and I believe makes for a happier union.
sara: Thank you for your comment. I am a really strong supporter of family, and I think that all members of the family need to be nurtured. With such a busy lifestyle now it is easy to feel that there just isn't time. But, as my French teacher used to say, "You make time for things you really want to do."
ReplyDelete