Shedding the light

A few days ago, my husband asked me if he should count me 'in' to the weekend's football game. From time to time in the past, I've been 'told off' about my choice to stay home. He has had difficulty seeing why I find it such an effort to watch the game with him at the ground. I told him to count me in. At the time, I thought it might actually be enjoyable but more to the point, I wanted to please him.

In fact, I did enjoy watching the game from the stand but there came a time when I felt a need to move about. I excused myself and off I went to stand in the line at the coffee cart. A cup of coffee sounded mildly appealing, but in truth I was there to watch; to have the opportunity to watch all the people moving about me. Sometimes, I enjoy engaging with the person in front or behind me in a line, but today I was happy enough with my own thoughts.

'Why couldn't they put a little more effort into their appearance, I wondered? Was 'scruffy' the new 'in' look and I had not been advised, or were they simply not prepared to try to look their best?'

The people with whom we had come to the football had come dressed in the same way they might be dressed for some gardening, whilst I had had to convince my husband that my most showy coat might look out of place. Thank heavens, he finally agreed with me, or I could never have stood in that line anonymously as I did. You see, not only do I not need the attention of a crowd, but I find it altogether uncomfortable to have such attention.

It is not lost on me, however, that I do seek 'attention' of another kind. Not unlike a dog who seeks the company of her owner, I thrive on the one on one attention of a man. I don't see this as 'attention seeking' or being an 'attention sponge' so much as I see it as a necessity of the person that I am. In the company of a man who understands me for who I am, I can be most myself.

Sometimes, when my husband and I are sharing a meal out together, or even if we've stopped somewhere for a cup of tea, I become animated about a topic. Whilst there are times when I'm happy to just be the listener, I certainly have moments when I step up to the podium and voice my opinions, or regale him with anecdotes and stories.

"I love it when you talk passionately like that," he will often say.

Girls like me are a conundrum. Confident and worldly on a certain level, we seek the security of a certain type of man, a man who understands us for who we are, quite naturally. For, you see, deep inside what frightens us most is 'rejection'. We go to a lot of effort to keep that a secret, but I'm self aware enough to know that so much of what I do is all about that.

Recently, I looked back on the messages that Janus sent me in the past several months. His business life has required much more of his time and when he wrote it was usually to tell me that he was still "very busy". One day, he wrote to say that he wanted me to be sure to understand that writing to say that he was busy was not a rejection, but rather an attempt to allow me to feel that I was not being rejected.

Unfortunately, it does not work like that. Submissive women such as myself, crave a certain type of attention much as children must be fed nutritious meals, in order to thrive and grow. If they should not receive that attention; if they should feel rejected as well, they begin to stagnate.

A submissive woman is unlikely to hanker for the limelight. However, she does require her man to shed light on her. Once lit up, she shines most brightly.