In a power exchange, the behavior of participants is determined by their role: top or bottom. Well, we'd like to think so but if you were to read an honest story or walk into a truthful movie or a real life scene of a P/E couple you might be surprised. I've never met or engaged with a man who hasn't at some stage acted like a drama queen, or a jerk, or totally unreasonably. It would be absurd to think that the bottom is the only one trying to control his or her responses, as if 'bottoms' are in some way the out-of-control ones and tops are the all-knowing, 'always in control' ones.
A simple and altogether to-be-expected characteristic of the Top (of any person at all) is that there are going to be moments when they fail miserably. They are sometimes going to be egocentric; sometimes wingers and sometimes irrational. Here's the thing: they are sometimes completely wrong; sometimes aberrant; sometimes totally engaged with their own lives and well being. If they are feeling ill often all bets are off.
These are tough times for the submissive. If he's out of control and not in a Toppish state of mind the submissive has to figure out for himself or herself what to do. In my experience, complaining doesn't work. If they aren't feeling like a Top, then there's not a great deal you can do about it. (I know about asking and begging but if they aren't into it for a time that can potentially make it worse, in my opinion).
I therefore wish to suggest that the submissive has no choice but to develop the skill of being strong because there are going to be these times when she cannot rely on her Top for sustenance; when she must be strong for herself and even strong for him.
The vast majority of Tops, I would think, recover. Their inability to fulfill their duty to their bottom is only temporary. Once the crisis in his mind abates he is back to business. All is well.
I do want to speculate, however, that if the Top makes a habit of this the submissive really has no choice but to rely on her own reserves more and more. It's entirely possible that without a choice she comes to rely on her own internal source of strength to such an extent that the relationship loses its appeal for both of them.
Accepting a submissive into your life has enormous advantages but also great demands. As much as she must make time in her life for the demands of being someone's submissive so must the Dominant make time and energy for fulfilling his role as the leader. The dominant really must try to lead even in times of stress because she isn't incapable of leading, it is simply not her choice.
A simple and altogether to-be-expected characteristic of the Top (of any person at all) is that there are going to be moments when they fail miserably. They are sometimes going to be egocentric; sometimes wingers and sometimes irrational. Here's the thing: they are sometimes completely wrong; sometimes aberrant; sometimes totally engaged with their own lives and well being. If they are feeling ill often all bets are off.
These are tough times for the submissive. If he's out of control and not in a Toppish state of mind the submissive has to figure out for himself or herself what to do. In my experience, complaining doesn't work. If they aren't feeling like a Top, then there's not a great deal you can do about it. (I know about asking and begging but if they aren't into it for a time that can potentially make it worse, in my opinion).
I therefore wish to suggest that the submissive has no choice but to develop the skill of being strong because there are going to be these times when she cannot rely on her Top for sustenance; when she must be strong for herself and even strong for him.
The vast majority of Tops, I would think, recover. Their inability to fulfill their duty to their bottom is only temporary. Once the crisis in his mind abates he is back to business. All is well.
I do want to speculate, however, that if the Top makes a habit of this the submissive really has no choice but to rely on her own reserves more and more. It's entirely possible that without a choice she comes to rely on her own internal source of strength to such an extent that the relationship loses its appeal for both of them.
Accepting a submissive into your life has enormous advantages but also great demands. As much as she must make time in her life for the demands of being someone's submissive so must the Dominant make time and energy for fulfilling his role as the leader. The dominant really must try to lead even in times of stress because she isn't incapable of leading, it is simply not her choice.
Vesta --
ReplyDeleteNot sure if mouse already commented on this or no...But absolutely agree. There are times in all dynamics where the Dominant partner might not be feeling all that Domly. Thankfully most times they are rather short lived, but it is job of sub to lighten their load or at the very least not add to it and support them.
Hugs,
mouse