It has occurred to me more than once that women enjoy being in an power exchange arrangement for its consistent supply of praise. Okay, there might be struggle but an insightful Top will recognize that after the struggle must come praise.
It has also occurred to me that we are capable of 'snuffing off' praise. It is not that we don't love it but that sometimes praise is almost uncomfortable. We aren't letting the praise fully in. Imagine a scenario where a woman is told she looks pretty. Instead of allowing herself the enjoyment of that inner glow of her efforts being acknowledged she says, "Oh, this old thing. I've had this dress for years." or "My hair isn't quite right though..." Or, whatever. She is not letting the praise in and she isn't giving the giver of the praise the opportunity to see her enjoyment of receiving the praise.
I did something similar recently. All this reviewing of the arts I have been doing in my course has been a huge learning curve for me. In my course we've reviewed books, art, plays, film and even music. It's been wonderful learning but in all cases but one I've had feedback such as "Good, but you could have done this, or you could have contextualized more or I wasn't entirely sure if you enjoyed it..."
In only one module was the feedback quite glowing. In only one module was my work singled out as laudable. And, guess what? That's the feedback that I glossed over; barely registered. (I actually just read over the comments now to check that the tutor said what I thought he said and to take into my soul the praise he was offering.) In terms of the more negative (or I should say, constructive feedback because that is what it was) feedback, I took in every word of that - berated myself for not thinking of it first or having missed something and so on.
I think this is the tendency of the submissive woman. On some level, she isn't entirely sure of herself and even when she gets praise she isn't entirely sure she deserves it or if it is genuine or even if it is appropriate for her to accept the praise.
My boss of a thousand years ago used to say that he didn't praise me because he thought it would go to my head. I heard how he felt about my work and efforts through other people but very rarely did I hear it from him. Even with my mentor, it was another person who knew him who told me how he felt about my efforts and progress more so than directly through him. And, of course, I took the reprimands and his not being happy with me about something much more seriously than I ever took his praise. It's a bit like getting Honours for a subject, let's say 90%, and instead of saying 'Yay,I got a really high score', we say 'I feel like I failed because I missed 10 marks and that's dumb'.
In group meditation class once we were asked to make an effort that week to really accept any praise or compliments that came our way and to take a moment to let that praise in; to be open to it and to acknowledge it. I think that's definitely worth a try.
It has also occurred to me that we are capable of 'snuffing off' praise. It is not that we don't love it but that sometimes praise is almost uncomfortable. We aren't letting the praise fully in. Imagine a scenario where a woman is told she looks pretty. Instead of allowing herself the enjoyment of that inner glow of her efforts being acknowledged she says, "Oh, this old thing. I've had this dress for years." or "My hair isn't quite right though..." Or, whatever. She is not letting the praise in and she isn't giving the giver of the praise the opportunity to see her enjoyment of receiving the praise.
I did something similar recently. All this reviewing of the arts I have been doing in my course has been a huge learning curve for me. In my course we've reviewed books, art, plays, film and even music. It's been wonderful learning but in all cases but one I've had feedback such as "Good, but you could have done this, or you could have contextualized more or I wasn't entirely sure if you enjoyed it..."
In only one module was the feedback quite glowing. In only one module was my work singled out as laudable. And, guess what? That's the feedback that I glossed over; barely registered. (I actually just read over the comments now to check that the tutor said what I thought he said and to take into my soul the praise he was offering.) In terms of the more negative (or I should say, constructive feedback because that is what it was) feedback, I took in every word of that - berated myself for not thinking of it first or having missed something and so on.
I think this is the tendency of the submissive woman. On some level, she isn't entirely sure of herself and even when she gets praise she isn't entirely sure she deserves it or if it is genuine or even if it is appropriate for her to accept the praise.
My boss of a thousand years ago used to say that he didn't praise me because he thought it would go to my head. I heard how he felt about my work and efforts through other people but very rarely did I hear it from him. Even with my mentor, it was another person who knew him who told me how he felt about my efforts and progress more so than directly through him. And, of course, I took the reprimands and his not being happy with me about something much more seriously than I ever took his praise. It's a bit like getting Honours for a subject, let's say 90%, and instead of saying 'Yay,I got a really high score', we say 'I feel like I failed because I missed 10 marks and that's dumb'.
In group meditation class once we were asked to make an effort that week to really accept any praise or compliments that came our way and to take a moment to let that praise in; to be open to it and to acknowledge it. I think that's definitely worth a try.
Yeah I have really started giving myself credit for things I do and it is helping. :) Anyone who is a perfectionist will experience this-man or woman. I've known men that were extremely harsh on themselves too.
ReplyDeleteI think that your mentor and boss were probably very demanding of you but the way I look at that is they knew you were well capable of it. They wouldn't have given you those tasks if they felt you were unable for it. And as they were of a dominant disposition, they presumably wanted to challenge you.
My mum oftens demonstrates her affection through actions as opposed to specific words. If I mention that I like something, she occasionally might buy it for me-she's very thoughtful but she hates a fuss being made out of things. I used to think "oh but why can't you just *say* it?" but she does say it through her actions; I just have to look closely to realise that. And then, when I do get a compliment off her, I feel I have earned it.
A lot of the time, people presume that you're already aware of your talents even though you may continually underestimate your ability. You're a smart person like myself and people think "well I know she's a smart capable person so she must know that too" but that correlation doesn't always follow. Nobody can read anyone's mind so they often don't know that you have all these insecurities. All they see is you seemingly gliding along in life, doing really well but what they don't realise is that under the water, you feel that you're paddling hard to keep up.
Sometimes, I think my wife feels pressure from my praise.
ReplyDeleteMick brings up a good point. I used to be a terrible perfectionist, very hard on myself. I was uncomfortable with praise because if I believed it, then I felt like I had to live up to it, like the bar had been set higher. If I didn't acknowledge/accept/believe the praise, the expectation was not so high. It didn't have anything to do with the person praising me; I put this on myself.
ReplyDeleteVesta, I really enjoy your blog.
Susan
Hello Vesta,
ReplyDeletePraise is an interesting concept. I know I often deflect it, I have for, most likely most of my life. I have no idea why really but I do not beam at praise nor do I desire to receive it. I can go months without any praise from Master and I am definitely the odd one out in the world of D/s because I am that one person who does not get excited or aroused when told I have been a "good girl". I appreciate the sentiment and knowing I have pleased Master does make me happy but it is not something I require nor think about very often. Even in school or with parents I did not crave it. Now if I were to be constantly critiqued I would most likely want praise in return but that rarely happens as well.
When it comes to work I actually did not want praise. I knew I was doing a good job, I knew I was excelling when nothing was said and I appreciated that.
We are all unique little bundles of energy, arne't we?
Hope all is well in your world sweet friend.
~a
Anon: I felt really understood when I read your comment and I agree with all you wrote. In terms of my mentor or my boss or my husband, I have often wanted to say, "Try finding someone else who would suit you better. If 99% isn't good enough go seek the elusive perfect woman!" Because, in all those cases the fit was hand in glove really. I desperately want the other person to be happy and particularly happy with me so I'll bend and alter according to that criteria. I think they have all been very happy with me except for those moments when I act very out of character and talk back and that's one hell of a shock to them. On some level, I *know* they have been proud. As you say, the actions have spoken louder than words and I sometimes have had to make that do. But, words of high praise...well, they are incredibly happy moments for me.
ReplyDeleteMick: What to do, what to do...do I make this short or long...
Praise is a two edged sword. You have reached high expectations and now you have to do it over and over and over. It can be the noose you put around your own neck. My eldest son held back at school for exactly this reason. Show what you can really do and the next thing you know your spare time is spent in a room at lunchtime practicing for the debate or writing a speech for the Public Speaking competition or writing one more poem to submit for the school magazine. Why do that when the better option is to go kick around the soccer ball with mates??
So, now let's talk about Linda. She prepares the evening meal on time regularly for a period of time and what do you know...she is expected to keep this up forever. Where is the upside for her in that??
I *do* prepare an evening meal for the family almost every night and mostly I don't mind and sometimes I just want to go on with my writing or my assignment just a little bit longer and that means dinner is a bit on the late side. I really do think that you need to give a little leeway here. I didn't say anything at the time because 1400 people were giving you their opinions but if dinner is half an hour late there is always a piece of sough dough bread spread with avocado, you know, to keep the wolf from the door. It's worth thinking about the Top's (or HOH's) expectations in this way, I think.
Susan: I do know a little about perfectionism myself, alas. It stopped me from taking writing seriously for years because I didn't want to be judged, thinking inside myself that I totally lacked any talent. If I get a little praise it encourages me that there is a chard of talent to investigate and that I am not wasting my time.
Something instinctual tells me that we should accept the praise and in the same way we should accept the constructive criticism. I think that helps with perfectionism. I think it is vital to embrace the fact that mistakes are really inevitable and that we need to be loved for all of us. I think we need to love others for all of them. I think it may be our ultimate challenge to simply accept ourselves with all our flaws.
good girl: I think you carry your approval of yourself (or not) within yourself and I do that somewhat myself. But, I feel differently to you about praise really. If I cook a lovely meal or make the effort to look special I do carry that within me, but if my husband or child or even a stranger comments on my efforts it is very rewarding. I've made it a mission to take that praise in and to enjoy it and I make an effort to praise others too because I want them to enjoy receiving praise.
Recently, Sir J and I were conversing and eventually I said, "I am basking in the praise." He was saying the sweetest things. He said that since I am so hard on myself he feels right in giving me praise to sort of counteract that (not his exact words). I valued his words greatly. Praise means a great deal to me.
Vesta, you should have left the comment if there were many others--it was clever. Interesting insight on the pressure of praise.
ReplyDeleteMick: That is very sweet. I sometimes wonder if you don't feel bombarded with comments and suggestions but since you asked me to, I shall do that next time.
ReplyDeleteAs long as you still think I'm adorable...:)
DeleteMick: Of course!
ReplyDelete