I've had friendships or 'relationships' for want of a better word with people much younger and much older than me. In all cases, if you insist on there being a leader of that relationship, then I can say that I was definitely not it. Even with Bart (my writing buddy) I work on the basis that he has stronger skills than me and knows more than me about writing and I think that's an accurate interpretation. I probably choose this sort of relationship because I know that it can aid me and on some level it feels more comfortable for me.
I've wondered about the age gap. When you have been a mother of several children you develop a tendency to mother people just a bit . People either like that or they deflect such attempts. Bart is considerably younger than me (about 25 years) and my attempts to get him to slow down in life were fruitless.
As a person who has walked this earth a couple of decades longer than him it was clear to me that his relentless activity would lead nowhere good. Working seven days a week, taking on three Masters subjects (and he even taking on two Masters at a time for a while there) as well as being newly married, something had to give. He did get rid of one of the Masters but it was not enough. He and his wife are in the throes of divorce, with the writing course temporarily put on hold. I could have told him but here's the thing: he was never going to listen.
It goes without saying that when I was a working girl I was the subordinate in the relationship and that went right across the board. He'd give me (financial) advice. Sometimes I'd take it and sometimes I wouldn't. Sometimes, that was because I was newly married and I needed to take my husband's advice, even if I felt that what my boss had to say had merit.
"You should take my advice," he said one day, in a frustrated way.
When I met him for lunch many years later and he wasn't all that long for this earth, the relationship's synergy, its dynamic hadn't changed at all. I'd suggested a place to meet and he didn't like it so we got in his car and drove further down the main road. It didn't take long for me to realize that he was rather unwell now and that I was taking my life in my hands really to be driving in that enormous car with him behind the wheel. But, our dynamic didn't allow me to say anything.
Later, when he drove me back to my car he asked if I could get across the road all right on my own. It was an 'in' joke. He'd often say something like that to me as if I were a bit helpless and I smiled and assured him I'd be careful. His life may have been limited now but when together we were still operating in the same ways.
It makes me wonder...does the significantly older person of the relationship bear the responsibility in some way? I know that when I was being mentored I often felt that age was no barrier. He treated me in very much the same way as I imagined he would have treated someone a decade younger; two decades younger. I had great respect for the fact that the rules were the same for me as anyone else and I hope he respected the fact that I didn't intentionally try to assert myself via age. I might have tried that on once or twice but quickly got cyberspacely slapped across the wrist for it. After that, I let any advantage in being older go.
Having said that, here's the thing: I am older. I have experienced more. I haven't experienced more in a BDSM sort of way. No way. However, I have experienced more of life. I've just been around longer; can predict more easily what is likely to happen; how life is likely to play out. I see it in the relationships of women friends married to younger men. The women have been around the traps longer; seen more. Even if the husbands are the leaders, and they are, it is that much harder to hold back on giving advice; to want to explain the likely outcomes of this or that plan of action.
My brother referred to me as "the bedrock" of the family on the weekend. Wow. I had never thought of it like this before. Yet, I get what he means. You reach a certain age and you start to feel that it is your job to protect your flock, those people that you care about. You can't save them if they refuse to be saved but you can listen and discreetly suggest and just make sure that they all know that you are always there for them.
It is a bit of misnomer: 'submissive woman'. A woman who gets to my age feels a certain sense of power and capability; a comfort in her own skin that belies the title of 'submissive woman'. Truly, I am strong and invincible these days. I've been through enough to know that I can survive.
It doesn't mean that I can't get a huge thrill from submitting. I very much know that I can be thrilled and that I revel in those beautiful moments of my life. But, I am mature now.
My boss used to say that I left his employ just in the nick of time; that the trade in-able age was 30. After that, he said, women were too interested in doing things their own way. And Ron, our Texan friend said the same thing He'd had two wives, one his own age and one almost two decades younger and neither of them liked the fact that they couldn't change him a dolt. He was going super young next time, he said!
But what a thrill, yes!? To have the mature woman with a sense of self and a string of 'sensibilities' wobble at the knees and actually want to, beg to, submit to your will! Whether 35 or twice that age, that has to be quite the charge.
I've wondered about the age gap. When you have been a mother of several children you develop a tendency to mother people just a bit . People either like that or they deflect such attempts. Bart is considerably younger than me (about 25 years) and my attempts to get him to slow down in life were fruitless.
As a person who has walked this earth a couple of decades longer than him it was clear to me that his relentless activity would lead nowhere good. Working seven days a week, taking on three Masters subjects (and he even taking on two Masters at a time for a while there) as well as being newly married, something had to give. He did get rid of one of the Masters but it was not enough. He and his wife are in the throes of divorce, with the writing course temporarily put on hold. I could have told him but here's the thing: he was never going to listen.
It goes without saying that when I was a working girl I was the subordinate in the relationship and that went right across the board. He'd give me (financial) advice. Sometimes I'd take it and sometimes I wouldn't. Sometimes, that was because I was newly married and I needed to take my husband's advice, even if I felt that what my boss had to say had merit.
"You should take my advice," he said one day, in a frustrated way.
When I met him for lunch many years later and he wasn't all that long for this earth, the relationship's synergy, its dynamic hadn't changed at all. I'd suggested a place to meet and he didn't like it so we got in his car and drove further down the main road. It didn't take long for me to realize that he was rather unwell now and that I was taking my life in my hands really to be driving in that enormous car with him behind the wheel. But, our dynamic didn't allow me to say anything.
Later, when he drove me back to my car he asked if I could get across the road all right on my own. It was an 'in' joke. He'd often say something like that to me as if I were a bit helpless and I smiled and assured him I'd be careful. His life may have been limited now but when together we were still operating in the same ways.
It makes me wonder...does the significantly older person of the relationship bear the responsibility in some way? I know that when I was being mentored I often felt that age was no barrier. He treated me in very much the same way as I imagined he would have treated someone a decade younger; two decades younger. I had great respect for the fact that the rules were the same for me as anyone else and I hope he respected the fact that I didn't intentionally try to assert myself via age. I might have tried that on once or twice but quickly got cyberspacely slapped across the wrist for it. After that, I let any advantage in being older go.
Having said that, here's the thing: I am older. I have experienced more. I haven't experienced more in a BDSM sort of way. No way. However, I have experienced more of life. I've just been around longer; can predict more easily what is likely to happen; how life is likely to play out. I see it in the relationships of women friends married to younger men. The women have been around the traps longer; seen more. Even if the husbands are the leaders, and they are, it is that much harder to hold back on giving advice; to want to explain the likely outcomes of this or that plan of action.
My brother referred to me as "the bedrock" of the family on the weekend. Wow. I had never thought of it like this before. Yet, I get what he means. You reach a certain age and you start to feel that it is your job to protect your flock, those people that you care about. You can't save them if they refuse to be saved but you can listen and discreetly suggest and just make sure that they all know that you are always there for them.
It is a bit of misnomer: 'submissive woman'. A woman who gets to my age feels a certain sense of power and capability; a comfort in her own skin that belies the title of 'submissive woman'. Truly, I am strong and invincible these days. I've been through enough to know that I can survive.
It doesn't mean that I can't get a huge thrill from submitting. I very much know that I can be thrilled and that I revel in those beautiful moments of my life. But, I am mature now.
My boss used to say that I left his employ just in the nick of time; that the trade in-able age was 30. After that, he said, women were too interested in doing things their own way. And Ron, our Texan friend said the same thing He'd had two wives, one his own age and one almost two decades younger and neither of them liked the fact that they couldn't change him a dolt. He was going super young next time, he said!
But what a thrill, yes!? To have the mature woman with a sense of self and a string of 'sensibilities' wobble at the knees and actually want to, beg to, submit to your will! Whether 35 or twice that age, that has to be quite the charge.
I've had relationships with much older women. The thrill for me comes from her capability. I agree age contributes to that, but her age specifically doesn't matter much to me. Occasionally her age and experience are even a detriment. One woman I was with had a very long list of limits due to poor treatment from a previous dom. Another had a perfectly happy relationship until her dom died. When we got together we got along fine, but many of his views contradicted mine and we could just never get comfortable together. He hadn't allowed her on the furniture for example, and I kept telling her to come cuddle with me on the couch. She had an emotional reaction of feeling like a bad girl whether she obeyed or not you see. I suppose it just comes down to the people involved.
ReplyDeleteHi, I'm Susan. I think the older person has the responsibility to take the high road in the relationship, whether that is keeping it healthy, maintaining harmony and balance, etc. We should use our experience in a wise way. And I agree that it is wonderful to have been through enough to know that we will always survive. Wonderful post. Really helped me today. Thank you
ReplyDeleteSusan
MC: Hello there. I do see your point, yes. An older person is more set in her ways, more likely to have taken to the ways of another person. I remember being rather cynical about being mentored by a much younger man and I asked straight out what was the appeal for him. He said that girls were cute and bubbly for sure but the older woman knows what she wants; knows who she is. Maybe it was one of the best marketing lines out there but I bought it because I DID know exactly what I wanted and where I wanted to go and I sensed he was the one to take me there. He didn't disappoint and I hope I didn't disappoint him. But, as you say it boils down to the people involved. Each case must be assessed on its own merits.
ReplyDeleteSusan: Lovely to hear from you. I'm not sure why but this sort of random comment from a (regular?) reader really delights me. Although the dynamic doesn't necessarily have to do with age at all there are (very rare) moments when I have felt...protective... I have felt the need to assess what is right and good for him even if it isn't all that great for me. I've felt the need to do the right thing. It isn't that I am not aware of who's in charge but rather this sense that has crept over me that I must make a decision on our behalf. Should he read this I imagine he'd be appalled. Had I learned nothing to make decisions for myself, especially ones concerning him?? But, I felt I *had* to do the morally responsible thing. I'm hoping this makes sense to you, at least.
From Susan
ReplyDeleteIt does make sense, and yes I am a regular. = )