I have written about trust before. Many bloggers have talked about trust because when you talk about a power exchange relationship, trust is an essential ingredient, and that goes both ways. Today, I won't dwell on the merits or necessity or wisdom of that. It's obvious.
Instead, I want to play devil's advocate and suggest that trust is a necessary ingredient in any transaction. When Coca Cola tell us that their product is safe to consume regularly, we need to believe and trust that they are not telling us a lie. We need to trust that the authorities that monitor fizzy drinks check the contents of the drink and that we are not going to come to any harm if we drink their product on a regular basis. We have some responsibility for what goes into our bodies but we also trust that we won't be sold harmful products.
In a similar way, when a person wants to get something from us - our money, our agreement, our body - if he or she is a clever person, that person will want to seek our trust in them first. Trust is the first and most vital ingredient in any mind game a person would like to play on or with another person, so he or she isn't going to act in any way other than to gain our trust. In other words, the trust being sought could just be a tool to manipulate us.
Trust is not that pure and perfect word that we might like it to be. You can't love someone without trust but you also can't manipulate someone without trust. Whether you can feel for another person or not, love and care for that person, or whether you are simply putting on a front to play a game with that person or have excitement with that person, the need for trust is paramount to get the person to the next stage of the relationship; whatever that 'relationship' might be.
Over at Remittance Girl, there is a wonderful conversation about the Twilight series and Fifty Shades of Grey. Apparently, Bella is a vacuous sort of character and there is debate about why readers want to read a story about such a woman. Is it escapism? I haven't read the books and it sounds like it would be torture for me to do so, which means I probably never will. But, it strikes me that women really do so still want a knight in shining armor; a man who they can trust; whose intentions are honorable and who will make their world shine brighter. Whether that's just escapism or whether nothing has really changed on this score, I really can't say for sure.
However, we must act with caution. We very much want to trust; to love and be loved. No matter what else is going on or isn't going on in our lives, I think a great many women want that. Maybe, they want it too desperately sometimes and they don't necessarily read the warning signs. If 'play' is what you are after, and what he is after too, then you are on the same page and can have trust in that. If you want so much more and he tries to pretend that he wants that too when all he really wants is to play with you for a while and hence seeks your trust in him to get what he wants, then someone is going to get hurt. While you are crying, he'll be onto the next gig.
Of course, being honest, another of those big and bold words of ours, doesn't always work in the suitor's favor, either. Look at poor Barnabus Collins in the movie, Dark Shadows and what happened to him when he told the woman/witch that he couldn't say he loved her because it wouldn't be true. She turned him into a vampire! So, maybe suitors seek a person's trust and use dishonesty because that suits their purposes and it is a lot easier than getting a person's wrath and scorn.
How, then, do you figure out who to trust? Today, I don't have the answer. I stumbled on a blog that has completely terrified me; a psychopath who has written of how he is able to manipulate people by earning their trust in him. It seems that those who have virtually no empathy are magnets to those with overwhelming empathy. He or she may be absolutely charming but underneath that facade is a most calculating sod getting his rocks off getting you to do what he/she wants. There are two completely different minds operating here and 'normal' rules of engagement don't apply.
What I am trying to say is that there is more to the word trust than you read about in blogs such as mine. Trust must be earned. Follow your instincts and your gut. Keep your wits about you. There are those who would seek to earn your trust to do you over.
Instead, I want to play devil's advocate and suggest that trust is a necessary ingredient in any transaction. When Coca Cola tell us that their product is safe to consume regularly, we need to believe and trust that they are not telling us a lie. We need to trust that the authorities that monitor fizzy drinks check the contents of the drink and that we are not going to come to any harm if we drink their product on a regular basis. We have some responsibility for what goes into our bodies but we also trust that we won't be sold harmful products.
In a similar way, when a person wants to get something from us - our money, our agreement, our body - if he or she is a clever person, that person will want to seek our trust in them first. Trust is the first and most vital ingredient in any mind game a person would like to play on or with another person, so he or she isn't going to act in any way other than to gain our trust. In other words, the trust being sought could just be a tool to manipulate us.
Trust is not that pure and perfect word that we might like it to be. You can't love someone without trust but you also can't manipulate someone without trust. Whether you can feel for another person or not, love and care for that person, or whether you are simply putting on a front to play a game with that person or have excitement with that person, the need for trust is paramount to get the person to the next stage of the relationship; whatever that 'relationship' might be.
Over at Remittance Girl, there is a wonderful conversation about the Twilight series and Fifty Shades of Grey. Apparently, Bella is a vacuous sort of character and there is debate about why readers want to read a story about such a woman. Is it escapism? I haven't read the books and it sounds like it would be torture for me to do so, which means I probably never will. But, it strikes me that women really do so still want a knight in shining armor; a man who they can trust; whose intentions are honorable and who will make their world shine brighter. Whether that's just escapism or whether nothing has really changed on this score, I really can't say for sure.
However, we must act with caution. We very much want to trust; to love and be loved. No matter what else is going on or isn't going on in our lives, I think a great many women want that. Maybe, they want it too desperately sometimes and they don't necessarily read the warning signs. If 'play' is what you are after, and what he is after too, then you are on the same page and can have trust in that. If you want so much more and he tries to pretend that he wants that too when all he really wants is to play with you for a while and hence seeks your trust in him to get what he wants, then someone is going to get hurt. While you are crying, he'll be onto the next gig.
Of course, being honest, another of those big and bold words of ours, doesn't always work in the suitor's favor, either. Look at poor Barnabus Collins in the movie, Dark Shadows and what happened to him when he told the woman/witch that he couldn't say he loved her because it wouldn't be true. She turned him into a vampire! So, maybe suitors seek a person's trust and use dishonesty because that suits their purposes and it is a lot easier than getting a person's wrath and scorn.
How, then, do you figure out who to trust? Today, I don't have the answer. I stumbled on a blog that has completely terrified me; a psychopath who has written of how he is able to manipulate people by earning their trust in him. It seems that those who have virtually no empathy are magnets to those with overwhelming empathy. He or she may be absolutely charming but underneath that facade is a most calculating sod getting his rocks off getting you to do what he/she wants. There are two completely different minds operating here and 'normal' rules of engagement don't apply.
What I am trying to say is that there is more to the word trust than you read about in blogs such as mine. Trust must be earned. Follow your instincts and your gut. Keep your wits about you. There are those who would seek to earn your trust to do you over.
This is yet again another post which considers facets upon facets. Trust presumes a degree of honesty, and honesty presumes a degree of trust I think. I have always been too cautious, I over think things and this is exactly why..this man you have described seeking to do harm.
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Wonderfully put vesta!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteTrust can only be earned, some argue it can only be earned once. Once trust is destroyed its difficult to regain (unless we delve deeply into psycholocal conditions such as famed stockholm syndrome or forced helplessness -- which trust is completely intentionally destroyed).
Many people new to a power exchange dynamic would benefit greatly from understanding the trappings and the reality.
Hugs,
mouse
littleOne: I do too; overthink things. But, sometimes I just have to understand things and the only way to understand is to think them through until clarity appears.
ReplyDeleteIt seems too big a number to be true but it is claimed by some that psychopathic behavior is to be found in 1% of the population - that is 1 in every 100 people. That gave me cause to pause and freak out. At the very least, narcissism is very much on the rise; people who know how to charm but who actually have very little if any empathic ability. Narcissists like to play with people as a pre-emptive move, to put them in the inferior position or role through humiliation to fuel their narcissistic supply. So, in the case of a submissive, if one gets involved with such a person, a great deal of psychological harm can occur. Let's just say that my eyes were open as to what is possible and it does pay to be vigilant.
mouse: I literally stumbled across that blog. I put a few words into the search engine and up it popped. Psychopaths tend to think of themselves are very clever; more clever than 'normal' people and his blog lays out chapter and verse the way a psychopath thinks. There is a long post there about the difference between psychopaths and narcissists. One commenter said that narcissists enjoy dishing out abuse but it's purely revenge; they didn't enjoy it. The author of the blog disagreed. He explained that narcissists "enjoy" to make other people squirm. It gives them a sense of superiority and power and boosts their self-esteem. I read enough to feel ill and want to remind women that as women with submissive natures and loads of empathy, they are vulnerable to people with no empathy at all.
This is very interesting. In my opinion submissive girls are really rather vulnerable to the predatory male. Posts like this one are always timely and most welcome.
ReplyDeleteI have seen the type of male you describe operate. You may be certain that he will give you the opportunity to see his true self. This is because it amuses to show the face behind the mask, it is egocentric, but then of course they are. The reality that you are allowed to see will in all probability be a flash here and a glimpse there. It is subtle but the more submissive you allow yourself to become the more truth will be shown.
Girls need to allow the male to lead while still retaining their own control, pay attention to what he does and how he does it. Revealing too much allows him to easily become that which you seek. Try to make him lead without saying where you want to go, what direction does his natural inclination take?
Pay attention to your instincts, if you feel uncomfortable the tendency is to attempt to work out why and if you can't understand why, the tendency may be to ignore it. The reality may be that you have been allowed the briefest glimpse behind the mask, you just haven't realised it.
By the way young lady, should you find this too disquieting, by all means ignore it.
anon: It isn't at all disquieting that you left me this comment. On the contrary, I appreciate your perspective.
ReplyDeleteIt makes sense that a woman's moments of confusion (why did he say that? why is he responding this way?) should actually be some sort of revelation/insight/glimpse behind the facade. As well, I tend to agree that women will have these moments of uncertainty and try to figure it out, but if she can't figure it out, ignore it. We very much want to believe the best and I think if a woman has a submissive nature she might even blame herself for not trusting him enough. We tend to blame ourselves for pretty much everything!
I think you are saying that a woman should keep some emotional distance and just observe until she can be certain that his natural inclination is to lead you to a good place, yes? There was discussion on that blog wherein it was noted it was particularly easy and straightforward to empty a woman's bank account and that suggests that she has left all good sense behind and fallen very hard for him.
One comment noted that what mattered above all else was to get their own way. If they could get their own way by being charming, well and good. But, if a woman didn't respond to that, a man would need to use other methods. One reliable method to ensure a woman did what the man wanted was to create anxiety early on when she didn't conform and thereby get her to agree with his demands to avoid the anxiety thereafter. The behavior is contrived but many women would be ambushed, I think, and have no real idea what was happening to them.
Thank you for writing in.
"I think you are saying that a woman should keep some emotional distance and just observe until she can be certain that his natural inclination is to lead you to a good place, yes?"
ReplyDeleteYes, exactly right. Don't be afraid, the 1% is out there alright and probably in higher numbers where submissive girls congregate, but you still have to be very unlucky to attract one. Submissive girls can help themselves a great deal, more than they in fact realise I suspect. Initially do not volunteer too much too early. Watching and listening more than talking and revealing. Perhaps set a little trap yourself, suggest something unsuitable and see if he puts a brake on you of his own accord, he really should do. Don't forget that the 1% cannot resist showing you what they are, recognise it when you're shown it. Pay attention if something doesn't seem quite right, if something makes you uncomfortable. Listen to your instincts.
anon: Thank you for your thoughts. It is a difficult topic but hopefully the discussion has done some good in encouraging women to stay safe.
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