My professor

It would be understandable if it was thought that I had a 'thing' for school masters and/or headmasters. A man in such a role has often featured in the stories I have written and in my fantasies. In fact, I don't have a thing for men in that role at all. I don't recall a single school master who has ever made me feel weak at the knees. I've been attracted in a kinky way to their aura of authority but not specifically them.

In fact, I'm much more likely to be attracted to a professor. I recall one particular professor who lived in the next college and a few of the girls and I would go over there for history tutorials. I got the impression he'd happily bed any number of girls and word around the traps was that he did just that. Is there a better job in all the world than being a live-in history professor in a university college? I doubt it.

When I was at university there was an English professor who gave lots of the lectures. I wasn't remotely attracted to him but I was attracted to the fact that he had a wife who was a tutor in the English department as well. I liked that model and I could imagine that life. He'd sometimes say something like, "Sorry, people. Helen will be right along. She's just rang to say that she had to get the casserole on and she'll be a couple of minutes late."

That sounded perfect; the sort of job where you could pop into the university and give a tutorial and dash back home to take the casserole out of the oven after that. Your husband was a tad more senior than you and you could discuss your work, or a novel or a film and he would be genuinely interested. I distinctly remember feeling a bit jealous of her because she was living the life that I would have happily lived.

My husband would laugh his head off if he read that because the man gave lectures (according to my science student boyfriend who once accompanied me for fun) that were bullsh*t. Well, they were a tad academic and  highfalutin and he was rather 'up himself' but let's not destroy my fantasy, shall we?

I suspect this is where one of my oldest fantasies originated. I worked in the English department of a university and my man was the head of the department (of course). This union was about physical attraction and so on but it had a lot to do with the fact that he liked that I was capable and he expected me to do my very best work and to do it on time. He'd give me a special assignment and he'd rely on me doing it very well.

Prone to procrastination at times, I sometimes took advantage of our relationship and was tardy. He would be over me like a tonne of bricks. It simply wasn't good enough, he would say and he would tell me that I was to sit at my desk and not to move out of my chair until the work was done, at which time he would read it to ensure it was done to the highest standard. At times, I had to revise until it was done to his satisfaction. Interestingly, in my fantasy I never argued the point about this. He was definitely the one in charge.

It's been some time since I have had that little fantasy and I'm not quite sure now whether I was sometimes spanked later or not. As far as I recall, it was really about the intellectual control of me; the fact that he was overseeing my academic and intellectual output; that he demanded that I be the best I could be.

This sort of relationship is not unlike another role model I had early on in our marriage. Opposite the house we bought was a cottage and this lovely man, very well known in arts circles in town who we shall call George lived with his much younger cute blonde haired gal. She had a job in the arts world too and it seemed to me that he acted as her mentor or guiding force, really. They had us in for drinks one Sunday which turned into lunch. George made that and then hurried her along to the radio station to do her little show, not in a highly dominant or controlling way but in a "darling, you best scoot or you'll be late..." sort of way. I liked the way they interacted. I liked the fact that he was very kind to her and happy with her and when he died, well, I know she was devastated.

My most recent male tutor has moved on now to another university but I recognized right away that I had a strong impulse to please and impress him. I didn't find him attractive per se but there was something in his responses to me that made me want very much to please him and it certainly pleased me a great deal when I did impress him just before he moved on.

That's the central point here. I like to please and I like the idea of someone encouraging me to do my very best work because they know I am capable of that if I try hard and they see it as their job to ensure that happens.

I've really enjoyed returning to this simple little fantasy today. There's not an implement in sight; no nasty sadism or discipline; just someone insisting that I do my best; cuddling me; being there for me; loving me well. What mattered most in the fantasy is that I was appreciated, encouraged; thought bright; aided him. Together, we were a partnership. I may have been the bottom of the relationship (was the bottom of the relationship) but we walked on an even playing field.

I've noticed a difference in my state of mind lately. I've no idea if it is a passing fancy or not but my mind has returned to this sweeter, kinder sort of relationship. Importantly, there is no attempt on my part to grab control and there never ever was a desire to grab control. However, there is a strong tendency to want to be nurtured; encouraged to be my best. I've no idea where this thought will or could lead. I am simply noticing.