Writing about my inner most secrets here is completely comfortable for me. I have been doing it for years now, after all. I would surely have given up a long time ago if I felt squeamish at all.
Talking about such matters face to face is an entirely different matter. Sure, I discussed issues face to face recently with men I had made friends with on the Internet, but I knew they were like minded souls who had no issues at all with any matter I had raised here. It was not difficult. On the contrary, it was a pleasure.
I don't bring up matters of my sexuality with other people - people who I assume are of the vanilla persuasion. When someone else does - "Would you like a spanking?" one friend asked his wife when she was cheeky one time when we visited them. "Ohhh, yes please," she responded enthusiastically - I try to pretend I haven't the slightest idea what they are talking about. I can suddenly get terribly shy as if, were I to acknowledge their repartee, I am making a complete confession.
Now that I am doing a writing course I find myself unwilling to hide completely. I have spilled a few more beans as each week has gone by. We were discussing "Theory" this past week and what that might mean to a writer when I realized that my style of writing lends to the theories of psychoanalysis, which was entirely suitable to discuss. This felt very liberating; allowing my inner self to seep out into the real world.
We are required to partner up with another student for the purposes of critical evaluation. Perusing the list of participants it was not lost on me that in my group there was a sole male student who just happened to be currently living in China. Bart (we shall call him) was my man! If anyone was going to accept my kinky nature it was Bart: bright, 30, adventurous, an intrepid traveller with an astounding imagination; much more imaginative than me and writing in the sc-fi genre.
We were meant to team up in week 5 but I laid out my case early. Why didn't we team up, I suggested. I was interested in peace and calm and he was interested in chaos and confusion. We would be good for one another: get ourselves out of our comfort zones. Bart took to the notion immediately and I laugh every time he sends me an email. Here I am thinking that I am telling him something that will shock and he returns a salvo back far more shocking than I could ever be. He has turned out to be wonderful value.
Perhaps, he is simply smarter than me for he managed to make me comfortable enough that I have just sent him one of my naughty stories to critique. There is an f-word but absolutely no c-words in the story so I didn't throw it all at him at once but even so I get the feeling that he sitting there in China right now saying, "Ohhhh myyyy Godddddd" as he is reading it, wondering how he will ever be able to critique it. Of course it goes both ways. It won't be exactly cheesecake to critique his sci-fi first draft of chapter 1 either, but nothing is for free, right?!
I think I sensed the free will and open mind in Bart from the get go and I have chosen well, I think, but even so, I do feel a bit naughty; a bit "Mrs Robinson" like. He is after all nearly half my age and here I am introducing him to the thoughts of a woman who wants to have all sorts of naughty things done to her. Will he think the thoughts mine, will he think I have an over active imagination, or will he think that this story girl is simply a product of a writer's mind? I really would rather not know the answer to that question, but the problem with the young sometimes is that rather than let such a question sit out there unanswered he is likely to engage, and with gusto. It is his style to have strong opinions and colourful language.
I've often wondered about Mrs. Robinson; the pleasure she took in educating Dustin Hoffman; his wide eyed wonder at it all. But something tells me that Bart won't be wide-eyed at all. He'll respond as if he knew the inner thoughts of a kinky woman all along and then it will be he that will try to teach me a thing or two. Typical.
Talking about such matters face to face is an entirely different matter. Sure, I discussed issues face to face recently with men I had made friends with on the Internet, but I knew they were like minded souls who had no issues at all with any matter I had raised here. It was not difficult. On the contrary, it was a pleasure.
I don't bring up matters of my sexuality with other people - people who I assume are of the vanilla persuasion. When someone else does - "Would you like a spanking?" one friend asked his wife when she was cheeky one time when we visited them. "Ohhh, yes please," she responded enthusiastically - I try to pretend I haven't the slightest idea what they are talking about. I can suddenly get terribly shy as if, were I to acknowledge their repartee, I am making a complete confession.
Now that I am doing a writing course I find myself unwilling to hide completely. I have spilled a few more beans as each week has gone by. We were discussing "Theory" this past week and what that might mean to a writer when I realized that my style of writing lends to the theories of psychoanalysis, which was entirely suitable to discuss. This felt very liberating; allowing my inner self to seep out into the real world.
We are required to partner up with another student for the purposes of critical evaluation. Perusing the list of participants it was not lost on me that in my group there was a sole male student who just happened to be currently living in China. Bart (we shall call him) was my man! If anyone was going to accept my kinky nature it was Bart: bright, 30, adventurous, an intrepid traveller with an astounding imagination; much more imaginative than me and writing in the sc-fi genre.
We were meant to team up in week 5 but I laid out my case early. Why didn't we team up, I suggested. I was interested in peace and calm and he was interested in chaos and confusion. We would be good for one another: get ourselves out of our comfort zones. Bart took to the notion immediately and I laugh every time he sends me an email. Here I am thinking that I am telling him something that will shock and he returns a salvo back far more shocking than I could ever be. He has turned out to be wonderful value.
Perhaps, he is simply smarter than me for he managed to make me comfortable enough that I have just sent him one of my naughty stories to critique. There is an f-word but absolutely no c-words in the story so I didn't throw it all at him at once but even so I get the feeling that he sitting there in China right now saying, "Ohhhh myyyy Godddddd" as he is reading it, wondering how he will ever be able to critique it. Of course it goes both ways. It won't be exactly cheesecake to critique his sci-fi first draft of chapter 1 either, but nothing is for free, right?!
I think I sensed the free will and open mind in Bart from the get go and I have chosen well, I think, but even so, I do feel a bit naughty; a bit "Mrs Robinson" like. He is after all nearly half my age and here I am introducing him to the thoughts of a woman who wants to have all sorts of naughty things done to her. Will he think the thoughts mine, will he think I have an over active imagination, or will he think that this story girl is simply a product of a writer's mind? I really would rather not know the answer to that question, but the problem with the young sometimes is that rather than let such a question sit out there unanswered he is likely to engage, and with gusto. It is his style to have strong opinions and colourful language.
I've often wondered about Mrs. Robinson; the pleasure she took in educating Dustin Hoffman; his wide eyed wonder at it all. But something tells me that Bart won't be wide-eyed at all. He'll respond as if he knew the inner thoughts of a kinky woman all along and then it will be he that will try to teach me a thing or two. Typical.
Vesta,
ReplyDeleteYou are a courageous woman. YAY to sharing.
xx
~a
goodgirl: Well, the further along we are going the less likely it seems that I can keep all of my thoughts (and sexuality) to myself. I'm currently putting together a response about the 'classicial feminist tradition' where Judith Butler says that sexuality is not linked to gender. Within that framework of openness and acceptance I hope there lies an understanding that I have chosen to express *my* sexuality in an honest way. So far, so good.
ReplyDelete