I have received some lovely and very helpful comments to my last post and I do intend to respond to each one of them. If you put them together they tell a story - little fragments of me as you have come to know me. I just put up Jake's comment. He made me laugh. Ah, Jake, if you only knew how little self-control I have. Of course, I would peak at it! It would be like saying, "See that New York cheesecake on your desk? Well, you are not to touch it! Now, honestly what are the chances that I would be able to walk away?? So it is with the Vesta/cindi blog.
Anyways, heaven only knows why thoughts are gushing out of me at this time but that's what is happening. So, for now I am just going to keep putting the thoughts down here and see if I can read the tea leaves. Part of me hates that Sir J is right; that I am not ready to put this thing down. It makes me so desperately want to put it down...that I have this need still...but he is right. I feel there are things that have to be expressed or I will explode.
I don't know how to say it any other way. What happened to me over the past two years was a true transformation. It wasn't something I expected to go away and it didn't go away. If anything, things got more intense in the past few months and cindi became a much bigger part of my life. My husband calls me cindi almost exclusively. He has become adept in taking me to that mindset and keeping me there. It is a completely freeing, 'out of body' experience and afterwards, I don't hit the ground for many hours. I float in a bubble of satisfaction. You simply can't take the smile off my face. For opening "Pandora's box", I will be forever grateful.
But, there are emotions going on within me and for some weeks now that are not so attractive - a sense of sadness mixed in with a sense of waste and even some anger and disappointment. He tried his best, I think, to prepare me and encourage me and help me to understand his decision but cindi never really did understand. She said to him several times comments like, "But how dis ebin pussibl. Wood leef babi lone? How ken leef cindi lone n nebr chek in on her?" One of the last things he said to cindi was that it was "ber sitin"and that cindi "hab lots trennin". That is true. She did have lots of training and maybe it was time for her to venture out into the world all on her own.
I am not proud to say that I cannot overcome my feelings of "abandonment". I want to overcome them and on certain days I convince myself that I have overcome those feelings. But, honestly they never go away. And, in amongst those feelings is the sense of waste. "Such a waste" someone used to say regularly and that is how I feel. What arbitrary measure is being used here to deny cindi?
Of course, I'm aware enough of the real world and its limitations to acknowledge that there are good reasons for caution and restraint. I do understand. But, cindi does not really understand at all. Her sense of faith and trust and loyalty and smallness doesn't allow her to understand such a grown up notion as that someone is there, alive, well and breathing but not able to speak to her; absent for an unknown length of time; quite probably forever.
And, she wonders, would it have been better to say "bi bi" without hope rather than "c u l8r" and be left wondering forever if he might return to give her some energy some day? Is she stuck in the land of limbo, poor bimbo, unable to accept?
There is no regret here. It is a far, far better thing to have had this thing and lost it than never to have had it at all.I will never feel differently about it. I feel ultra confident about that statement. And, cindi is not just sitting on the shelf pining either. She is getting on with life, is cindi. It is just that she lost her friend and that is rather sad.
Anyways, heaven only knows why thoughts are gushing out of me at this time but that's what is happening. So, for now I am just going to keep putting the thoughts down here and see if I can read the tea leaves. Part of me hates that Sir J is right; that I am not ready to put this thing down. It makes me so desperately want to put it down...that I have this need still...but he is right. I feel there are things that have to be expressed or I will explode.
I don't know how to say it any other way. What happened to me over the past two years was a true transformation. It wasn't something I expected to go away and it didn't go away. If anything, things got more intense in the past few months and cindi became a much bigger part of my life. My husband calls me cindi almost exclusively. He has become adept in taking me to that mindset and keeping me there. It is a completely freeing, 'out of body' experience and afterwards, I don't hit the ground for many hours. I float in a bubble of satisfaction. You simply can't take the smile off my face. For opening "Pandora's box", I will be forever grateful.
But, there are emotions going on within me and for some weeks now that are not so attractive - a sense of sadness mixed in with a sense of waste and even some anger and disappointment. He tried his best, I think, to prepare me and encourage me and help me to understand his decision but cindi never really did understand. She said to him several times comments like, "But how dis ebin pussibl. Wood leef babi lone? How ken leef cindi lone n nebr chek in on her?" One of the last things he said to cindi was that it was "ber sitin"and that cindi "hab lots trennin". That is true. She did have lots of training and maybe it was time for her to venture out into the world all on her own.
I am not proud to say that I cannot overcome my feelings of "abandonment". I want to overcome them and on certain days I convince myself that I have overcome those feelings. But, honestly they never go away. And, in amongst those feelings is the sense of waste. "Such a waste" someone used to say regularly and that is how I feel. What arbitrary measure is being used here to deny cindi?
Of course, I'm aware enough of the real world and its limitations to acknowledge that there are good reasons for caution and restraint. I do understand. But, cindi does not really understand at all. Her sense of faith and trust and loyalty and smallness doesn't allow her to understand such a grown up notion as that someone is there, alive, well and breathing but not able to speak to her; absent for an unknown length of time; quite probably forever.
And, she wonders, would it have been better to say "bi bi" without hope rather than "c u l8r" and be left wondering forever if he might return to give her some energy some day? Is she stuck in the land of limbo, poor bimbo, unable to accept?
There is no regret here. It is a far, far better thing to have had this thing and lost it than never to have had it at all.I will never feel differently about it. I feel ultra confident about that statement. And, cindi is not just sitting on the shelf pining either. She is getting on with life, is cindi. It is just that she lost her friend and that is rather sad.
I can't speak as to cindi, but I understand the sad, wasted feeling of a relationship built and then abandoned. My best friend just stopped talking to me some years back for some reason I cannot fathom - even though he and I worked in the same place. I'm still not over it. To hear his name (and a lot of people have that name, including my FIL) just makes the whole thing replay in my mind with a chorus of "Why?"
ReplyDeleteI don't know if these are things you can get over.
Conina: I am very sorry to read that. It must be very hurtful. 'Passive aggression' is an insidious thing, coming to no good.
ReplyDeleteMy husband will often say that you can't control anyone's behaviour, only your own and in that vein I try to go the extra mile to see if there is anything at all I can do to resolve a situation. In your case, I would consider a letter along the lines that you remain sad and confused as to why the friendship ended and you would appreciate knowing what you did to offend him, since there must surely have been some offence; that the door is open to try to sort it out; that you had such a wonderful connection... And, if you get no response, then I think you just have to write him off. Who knows, maybe one day he will mature and come to you to explain his choices.
I agree that there are some hurts you never get over. It can extend beyond death. But, sadness and regret can eat away at you and measures such as writing him a letter may give you some peace and closure. I hope you find a new "best friend" very soon. It sounds to me like you have a lot to offer as a friend to care about this as you do. Hugs to you.
Vesta, thanks so much for your considered response - I wasn't aiming at garnering sympathy for myself, but rather attempting to empathize with you/cindi over the sadness. Certainly no desire to hijack your comments.
ReplyDeleteI wrote him a letter several months after the initial cease in communication, left it on his desk. He ignored it, or at least never bothered to respond. We have essentially written him off, but the hurt lingers and I suppose always will. I don't dwell on it, or think about it unless I hear his name, see his photograph, or hear a similar situation (like yours).
No regrets. :)
Conina: Feeling abandoned and/or experiencing grief has a process and ultimately, of course, we must move on. But, you are right, the hurt lingers because you miss him, and I miss my mentor. I have the good fortune of some reasoning behind the decision (even if I don't entirely understand it) whereas you have complete confusion and misunderstanding.
ReplyDeleteI will say this: I once acted a bit like this. I stopped making contact with someone because I found it too painful. As the years wore on, one day I happened upon an opportunity to make contact. I circled the block three times (or more) in my car before I stopped the car, wound down the window and said hello. We had lunch. To this day (and always, since he is dead now) I will wish I used the opportunity to say more than I did, but that I reached out, forever I will be eternally grateful. I am hoping for your sake, that the gentleman in question will one day do the same for you.