I am just going to write the thoughts as they come...
I was having a shower last night when a thought demanded my attention...maybe I should close the Vesta blog...go and close it right this instant. The thought was strong and as I let it wash over me, I realized that the thought was about the sense I had been having that "Vesta" or "cindi" or a combination of both those entities was making it difficult for me to move on. I had been at this writing course for a couple of months now and still all the thoughts and all the ideas led back to sex and kinky sex at that. If I closed the blog and shut off that avenue to express all that, maybe my mind could free itself to think about other things to write.
I willed myself to go to sleep but by 5 am I was awake again and the thought returned. But, how would I do that? Leave the blog there but take away my reading list (thus making it more difficult for me to read other blogs)? What of my friends? If I close the blog do I cut myself off from the email address(es) from where I communicate with them? Do I give a select few my real life address instead? I just didn't have all the answers - wasn't sure what to do about the details - worried that I would pine without this outlet...so many details to consider. What of my tumblr account? I love my tumblr account (which was a gift to me) and the opportunity to record a photograph that turns me on. But, how do I keep that account open if the rest is closed?
In some curious way, it feels that my sexuality has taken over my life. I am not at all sure you are meant to feel this way in your mid 50s. Aren't you meant to move onto other concerns and interests by now? Aren't you meant to write about social issues and the world at large and all the thoughts that go through regular (non-kinky) peoples' heads?
Rather than settle down, my sexuality is stronger than ever. My fantasies are rich and detailed and full of containment and power over me...all sorts of restraint and and taking control of me. My body responds to those thoughts; continually and repeatedly looks for touch and use; hungers for it.
I correspond with a girl not unlike me and I just read her latest entry. It is so apparent why we were hooked up with each other (put in contact, I mean). We are so alike; fixated really on sex and control. I've lived a quieter life than she has but our minds relate to one another in a way few other minds do.
Yes, I go about my life and I achieve and function. But, this has been an obsession for sure and maybe the outlet of this blog is merely feeding that obsession. Maybe if I stopped writing here I could simply focus on my writing assignments and start a little novel and just be like a regular 50+ year old woman.
This year has been so full - of travel, of change, of loss and of love. I am blessed as a woman and a human being; incredibly fortunate to be surrounded by love and family; thrilled to have learned what I have and to have the opportunity to learn to write well via this course. It is a stroke of luck to have Bart who was a bit surprised but not shocked by the short story of lust and control that I sent him - who was willing to see it as a first draft with potential just as I saw the potential in the first draft he sent me.
But, it can't continue like this, can it? Such characters are so vastly in the minority. I am so vastly in the minority. I think my thoughts and my characters and my plots have to deal more with the other 99.9% of people in the world.
I have long held the view that these wants and needs of mine (and presumably yours) live in many more people than are willing to admit to them. But, even Bart called it "racy" and Lord knows what the faculty people will think of it.
Part of me says the solution lies in letting the short story format go...in creating stories about lust and desire and love and conflict and struggle that evolve over many more thousands of words; that that might provide the opportunity to show how these things come to pass; what makes us tick in a more convincing and acceptable way.
If I close the blog, will my thoughts move on to other subjects or will I simply frustrate myself losing the opportunity to say here what is more likely to receive a sympathetic audience?
I feel that I have reached some sort of crossroad in my life and development and I honestly don't know which path to take. Has anyone any thoughts? Thank you.
I was having a shower last night when a thought demanded my attention...maybe I should close the Vesta blog...go and close it right this instant. The thought was strong and as I let it wash over me, I realized that the thought was about the sense I had been having that "Vesta" or "cindi" or a combination of both those entities was making it difficult for me to move on. I had been at this writing course for a couple of months now and still all the thoughts and all the ideas led back to sex and kinky sex at that. If I closed the blog and shut off that avenue to express all that, maybe my mind could free itself to think about other things to write.
I willed myself to go to sleep but by 5 am I was awake again and the thought returned. But, how would I do that? Leave the blog there but take away my reading list (thus making it more difficult for me to read other blogs)? What of my friends? If I close the blog do I cut myself off from the email address(es) from where I communicate with them? Do I give a select few my real life address instead? I just didn't have all the answers - wasn't sure what to do about the details - worried that I would pine without this outlet...so many details to consider. What of my tumblr account? I love my tumblr account (which was a gift to me) and the opportunity to record a photograph that turns me on. But, how do I keep that account open if the rest is closed?
In some curious way, it feels that my sexuality has taken over my life. I am not at all sure you are meant to feel this way in your mid 50s. Aren't you meant to move onto other concerns and interests by now? Aren't you meant to write about social issues and the world at large and all the thoughts that go through regular (non-kinky) peoples' heads?
Rather than settle down, my sexuality is stronger than ever. My fantasies are rich and detailed and full of containment and power over me...all sorts of restraint and and taking control of me. My body responds to those thoughts; continually and repeatedly looks for touch and use; hungers for it.
I correspond with a girl not unlike me and I just read her latest entry. It is so apparent why we were hooked up with each other (put in contact, I mean). We are so alike; fixated really on sex and control. I've lived a quieter life than she has but our minds relate to one another in a way few other minds do.
Yes, I go about my life and I achieve and function. But, this has been an obsession for sure and maybe the outlet of this blog is merely feeding that obsession. Maybe if I stopped writing here I could simply focus on my writing assignments and start a little novel and just be like a regular 50+ year old woman.
This year has been so full - of travel, of change, of loss and of love. I am blessed as a woman and a human being; incredibly fortunate to be surrounded by love and family; thrilled to have learned what I have and to have the opportunity to learn to write well via this course. It is a stroke of luck to have Bart who was a bit surprised but not shocked by the short story of lust and control that I sent him - who was willing to see it as a first draft with potential just as I saw the potential in the first draft he sent me.
But, it can't continue like this, can it? Such characters are so vastly in the minority. I am so vastly in the minority. I think my thoughts and my characters and my plots have to deal more with the other 99.9% of people in the world.
I have long held the view that these wants and needs of mine (and presumably yours) live in many more people than are willing to admit to them. But, even Bart called it "racy" and Lord knows what the faculty people will think of it.
Part of me says the solution lies in letting the short story format go...in creating stories about lust and desire and love and conflict and struggle that evolve over many more thousands of words; that that might provide the opportunity to show how these things come to pass; what makes us tick in a more convincing and acceptable way.
If I close the blog, will my thoughts move on to other subjects or will I simply frustrate myself losing the opportunity to say here what is more likely to receive a sympathetic audience?
I feel that I have reached some sort of crossroad in my life and development and I honestly don't know which path to take. Has anyone any thoughts? Thank you.
You are who you are. Your mind will continue to work with or without the blog. If you close the blog, it will free up time, but I don't believe time is your real issue. Do you really desire to attempt to severe this area? Is the normalcy of the masses what you crave now? Or will cindi assert her opinion?
ReplyDeleteBest wishes with your considerations. Love and kisses
I would hate for you to close this blog but I can see your conflict.
ReplyDeleteMy only comment is.. there is NO blueprint for what a 50 year old woman should be feeling or doing or writing about.
I'm older than you by at least 10 years and have not settled down into anything at all. I've begun a new relationship in the last two years and am probably more in tune with my sexuality than I've ever been.
So don't let the age thing stop you or give you the wrong impression.
I think there are more of us "older women" out here than you may realize.
Good luck making the choices you can live with... I'm sure it isn't easy.
There's no right or wrong answer on this one. do you, or don't you want to close the blog? could you put off making a permanent choice and just leave it for a while?
ReplyDeleteRegarding sexuality, I know many people who discover their full sexuality by their fifties. The rest never find it!
You can be fully sexual and still do other things. Whether that means continuing the blog is a matter of choice.
I'm 5 years younger than you and just in those 5 years have come into my full sexual potential. I hope that lasts for a long time. Like Nancy said "there is not blue print for a 50 year old". Heck there isn't a blue print for any age.
ReplyDeleteWith the life expectancy getting longer and longer, our sexuality can last as long as we want it too. Some of us are late bloomers (LOL) and some of us knew who we were long ago but that doesn't mean that is all you are. (yes, I know I should let me sentence end with are - :>).
You've written about how you've grown in the last years, months and even days. Your learning about yourself everyday. And I hope we get to keep seeing you grow.
I hope you don't close the blog but that is your decision.
hugs,
heather1
First thing to do is back everything up locally.
ReplyDeleteI think you close the blog when the outlet that it represents is no longer required. When you can do it with out a moments regret. Such was the case for me and I am happy, was before and am now. I don't believe (just my opinion) that closing is the right decision for you.
ReplyDeleteDear Vesta
ReplyDeleteThis isn't the first time you've brought up this idea is it?
If a blog or a persona is holding you back you should kill it. Being human is all about growth and change. The cycle of self-alienation and self-transcendence is (imho) at the centre of human nature.
You can only really tell if the killing (or closure) is premature after you've done it, and you appreciate the change. If you decide you want to come back, that's easily done --- either as a completely new persona, or as a "Vesta returns". Notice however, that this new persona will be different from the old: consciously or not, you will be able to shed the parts of the old persona that were no longer useful.
Perhaps the trickiest part of it is how you handle the friends you've made under your persona.
I killed perfectlips when I decided that the blog and the persona had out-lived their function. What brought me back was missing one particular contact I'd made. I spent some time wandering under different personae before I reinvented perfectlips as perfect71ps. The two personae are very similar but fundamentally different: perfectlips had work to do; perfect71ps just allows me to enjoy things online I can't enjoy IRL.
PL
Vesta, I'd certainly miss your blog if you decide to kill it. You write thought provoking posts that often help me see things from another perspective.
ReplyDeleteHowever, if you feel uncertainty about whether or not to stop blogging, could you simply give it a test run for a month or two? Leave the blog up but don't post or visit, and then evaluate how you feel about the whole thing when the test interval is over? Or would the temptation to just "check in" be too much?
Vesta,
ReplyDeleteI hesitate to answer, and I'll tell you why. But before I do I need to say I mean no disrespect or insult by what I'm about to tell you. I hesitate because of this fact;
I read about half of what Vesta writes, and nothing at all of what Cindi writes. I don't have any interest in Cindi, and while I find Vesta interesting, I really only have so much time to indulge in something that's purely the luxury of......entertainment, I guess? I enjoy reading Vesta's thoughts, experiences and opinions. But I read only what time allows. I tell you this only because I feel you should know the context of my understanding of what you've written in the blog if you have any intention of considering my words now. Also, I didn't read the other comments (Again, a time issue) so this may have been said already. Here is my comment.
You commonly hear exploring this lifestyle referred to as being a “Journey”. It’s my opinion that this journey we are speaking of is not about reaching a destination, but about collecting experiences and reactions to them. Learning what creates those reactions and deciding which ones to repeat. I don't believe walking away from this blog will let you focus less on this lifestyle and your feelings, or let you get to a mental place that is less sexual, less demanding of the emotional and physical rewards you find in it, or even less a part of your intellectual life. Oliver Wendell Holmes said that a mind, once expanded to the dimensions of larger ideas, never returns to it's original size. Your mind, and thus your existence, has been so expanded.
I often hear the analogy of submissive’s to butterfly's emerging from their chrysalis. It's a good analogy, but usually the potential negative side is not discussed. Humans tend to grow and learn and change slowly. For example, when did Saturday cartoons no longer strike you as the best shows on T.V.? For most people, they just know that one day those cartoons seemed smaller and less interesting. WHEN the change occurred is a mystery. But submissive’s, like the butterfly, wake up one day and realize that seemingly instantly their whole perspective on life has changed. They realize that what they want is different, what they can achieve is different, where they want to go in life is different very suddenly. That can be unsettling in many ways.
This blog is a doorway to a whole community of people who can help you understand in a general way what the new reality is so that you can see how that new reality relates more specifically to you. You say you are vastly in the minority, and you are. But you are not vastly in the minority by virtue of your desires, you are vastly in the minority by having found the courage to admit and embrace them. You are dead on correct that many more people have these desires than admit them. Here there is a community of people who also have that courage. They can support and nurture your journey of self discovery. I don't think you would benefit from it's lack.
My suggestion is to keep the blog. Write in it less of that's what it takes to make time for other things. But what you need is not to push away the blog and the substance of that new you. What you need is to come to an understanding and acceptance of it. Of what you want now, what you are capable of now, and what this new you wants to do now with all this new power and possibility.
Those are my thoughts. Good luck to you whatever you decide.
Mindset: All yours questions are right on the money. It has taken me a few days to respond to these comments and questions because it took me a few days to be honest with myself. cindi will prevail. Always. Thank you so much for this wake up call. I needed it.
ReplyDeletenancy: You made my heart song; honestly you did. I loved hearing that there are older women embracing their sexuality and I am delighted to hear you are enjoying these years so abundantly. I shall not disappoint you. Keep on writing here I shall.
Mick: I really don't and never have *wanted* to close the blog. I get a lot out of expressing myself here and whilst I don't think I am a 'comment whore', I do enjoy some feedback about my thoughts. Sometimes, I feel like I *should* give up the blog. I am doing a writing course and have worried about my erotic writing and feeling I would be eventually kicked out or sanctioned or something. But, the sweetest of women have laid my fears to rest on that score, so there are no impediments in my mind now.
Sir J: You are quite right, my friend. I am not ready to close the blog. I may never be ready to close the blog. Anyways, for now I shall keep writing here.
PL: Thank you for your thoughts. I have tried writing under a different persona actually, a couple of times. When one of you guys got close to sniffing me out, I would stop writing, feeling incredibly bad about the deception. Vesta is really just me but using a different name and that is why I return and remain here. It feels perfectly natural here and hence I think the best thing to do is keep on keeping on.
Jake: Actually have done that once of twice: just not written here for a while and come back to it with a new energy, and that makes total sense to me. Temptations are out there all over the place as far as I am concerned: just a little chocolate mint with my coffee, perhaps another scarf for my collection... It is why I return here over and over again. The temptation to do what comes so darn naturally is far, far too great. It is why I need to be controlled! Ha ha!
MC: I would not dream of being offended by your comments. I know your heart is in the right place. You are quite right. I need to not push away. I need to come to an accepance and understanding of my needs. 'The little girl' in me is strong. Little girls are sweet and fun and precocious but sometimes when they don't get what they want, they can be nasty. I wanted to be able to talk to my mentor and I figured that if he won't (can't?) talk to me I would stop writing here so that he couldn't get access to my mind. I know. I know. A very bratty thought indeed! But, I have admitted it and I reckon I deserve some credit for that, surely?! Anyways, I am over it now. I miss him. That's life. I must move on and for me moving on is to say that this is the first day of the rest of my life. Bring it on.