Somewhere over the rainbow

I was once asked what I wanted to gain from my submission. I said that I wanted to be happy. At the time, that was the best way I knew how to explain what I wanted. What I was trying to say was that I saw submission as a positive thing, a way to enhance my life, day by day, and therein enhance the life of my husband and children as well. At that time, I was still unsure how to achieve that sort of positive spirit within the submission. All I knew was that was my goal. I spoke of wanting to find "calm" and "peace".

Now I know that "happiness" in submission, for me, is found through a sense of containment and liberation, at one and the same time. You see, when I am appropriately contained, my spirits soar to a place that is rather 'zen' like. Appropriately contained, I feel free; happy.

I revel in a certain kind of containment, the kind of containment I've been talking about for a few weeks now. Whilst I needed a push in the right direction, what was asked of me was not difficult, for it was a perfect fit for my needs. Comforted, at the same time as I felt liberated to live according to my needs and desires, my spirit has been soaring. I've been abundantly happy these past few days as it has all fallen into place. Still early days, I marvel at the achievement in such a short space of time.

I'm completely in awe of the ability of a man to 'get' me; to instinctively feel what would, and does, work for me. It has made all the difference. He's one special guy and I'm one lucky girl that he took the time to counsel me; show me what he could see, but has been an enigma to me.

Like Maria, perhaps somewhere in my past, "I must have done something good", because I am also blessed with a husband who saw that I was in need and encouraged me to search until I found the answer. He opened his mind to allow me to have a dialogue with people who might have the answers, and he's celebrated with me as I've found what I was looking for.

Yesterday, I listened to a most articulate physicist who said that the atoms of stars can be found in our hands. In fact, the atoms found in our left hand come from a star different to the atoms found in our right hand. We are, in fact, quite literally, part of the cosmos. He was asked to choose some music for the programme and one piece was 'Somewhere over the rainbow'.

"...There's a land that I dreamed of once in a lullaby..."

Perhaps, he was choosing the song for the both of us because for me, submission is about elevating me to a higher realm, to a space that requires no thought. It is a meditative space where I am less a thinking person, and more an intuitive being who has moments of radiance, of sublime serenity and a real sense that she has experienced something more than the everyday.
In being used, in being contained, in finding peace, I am more; more loving, more giving, more devout. I embrace my life, the moments of my day.

Last night, I flipped through an old notebook of mine; the kinky one. When I hear something that touches me, I often rush for my notebook and write it down. Alas, I'm not sure whose words they are, but as I read them last night, and again this morning, they reached out to me as a nun might read a prayer:

"One must be tightly controlled and bound to really experience liberation."

There is definitely something in that. On my journey, there are moments when I feel that I may have glimpsed the divine.