Do I have to?

A chat friend offered me a kindly piece of advice recently. He said that I should "stop worrying". No one was expecting me to be perfect. So, I should be as good as I can, and let my husband deal with the times when I was not.

This gets right to the heart of the matter. Like it or not, I do tend to have a bit of a perfectionist's mind. I can live with the (odd) spelling mistake or having the children mess up the kitchen (again), but I do have high expectations of myself, it is true. I once worked for the most meticulous of men; a man who wanted everything from the arrangement of the flowers in his vase to the quality of the material produced in his office to be without flaw. Even he told me that I had to stop beating myself up over tiny little things. Nobody was perfect, he said. It is a personality trait that has been with me for a long time.

Given this fact, I often wonder why it should not be the case that I am able to follow through on all instructions, to the letter. If I like to cross my t's and dot my i's, then strictly speaking, I would be totally committed to following through on any instructions I receive as a submissive. The truth is that I fail at this. I slip up, not routinely, but enough for it to be noticeable. I don't know, but I suspect, that I slip up more than a girl without this quality to be hard on herself and to aim for perfection. And, I ask myself, why don't I just do what I am supposed to do?

We've all done a bit of 'psychology' at school or beyond and we all know a bit about 'motivation'; intrinsic and extrinsic motivation. But, I don't want to get technical here. I want to talk from my head and heart, and I hope you comment likewise.

If I made a list of all the things I have to do in a day, it would be a long list. Most of the items on that list are things I don't really want to do, but have to do. So, why do I do them? Well, mostly because, they have to be done. If they aren't done, life gets completely out of control. I like to be in control (go figure!), and for our lives to run smoothly and so I do them. I suppose you could say, I have come to know the consequences of not doing the tasks, and it is far better and easier in the long run to do them.

Then, there are the tasks that are random. My husband might ask me to bank a cheque or take a suit to the dry cleaners. Again, it is just part of an orderly life and I go about those tasks amongst other tasks, in the most orderly manner to save time and energy but still get them done.

Do I sometimes have to push myself to get things done? Yes, all the time. Repetitive tasks are tedious and the older you get the less interested you become to unload the dishwasher. Trust me! I love specific projects because of the sense of achievement in them. Right now, I want to get to some painting outside, and then some planting of trees, and when I do, that task will give me a great sense of achievement. It is not a repetitive everyday task, but a project. See the difference?

The dominant man is inclined to issue instructions for repetitive tasks. Naturally, I understand the purpose of these tasks. Life is built around repetitive tasks and for a submissive woman such as me, it pays to give her tasks that give her a grounding effect, that put structure around her day, and which connect her to her man. Frankly, I think the more reason she can see for the task, the more 'purpose' that it has in her life, the better. I know I can be accused of being self-involved here and not serving the dominant. On the other hand, I think the dominant can expect better compliance when the submissive does see the reason for the task, and thus it is a win:win situation.

Think back now to my friend's advice. No one is expecting perfection and the dominant will deal with those times when the submissive slips up. And, think back too, to the posts you've read around the blogopshere about punishment and the fact that punishment is part and parcel of D/s; not to be avoided.

In real life, why do we rush back to the car when the meter is about to expire? We do so because we want to avoid the (negative) consequence of a fine. When we do tasks set for us by the dominant, we too, I expect, look to avoid the negative consequence. We look to please of course, and we want the sense of success too, but in those moments when we don't feel like it, it is the knowledge of a negative consequence that see us through to completion of the task.

To this end, if there is no follow through for non-compliance, things are bound to run amuck. Like the kid who got away without doing homework for weeks, and fails all his tests, so we are not dealt any favours when we don't do what is asked of us by the dominant.

Whilst I take no great joy in admitting it, the simple fact is that a negative consequence for non delivery is indeed, a necessary part of the process for the D/s relationship to thrive.