In politics, one talks of the ‘disapproval resolution’. I rather like the term for it suggests that within the process of disapproving of someone or something, there is ultimately, resolution.
I’m not sure that there is anything more uncomfortable for a submissive girl than for her man to ‘disapprove’ of her; her thoughts, her actions, her mindset or her motivations. One doesn’t even need for him to be standing right there with a frown on his face and a certain look in his eyes. One can experience the disapproval over the telephone or even on email, in a letter or on chat. Whichever way it comes in, it is singularly unpleasant.
Disapproval means a failure or refusal to approve; rejection; unfavourable opinion; even, god forbid, condemnation. Dominant men are at home with these terms.
“Well, I don’t approve.”
“If you go ahead, you do so without my blessing.”
“You knew my opinion.”
Such phrases leave a submissive woman in a dilemma. She wants the approval, the blessing, the sanction of her dominant at all times. To experience his ire, his disapproval and yes, his anger with her, is uncomfortable in the extreme. Frankly, until the matter is sorted to his satisfaction and she feels under his protective and approving wing again, she isn’t going to be happy.
However, she has a dilemma, because as well as wanting his approval, she also operates according to her own good judgement of a situation. Sure, there are times when his sanction, his blessing is paramount and she isn’t going to go ahead without it. She wouldn’t buy a house, or even a piano, or perhaps not even a dress without his approval; or at least not without the opportunity to take it back if he didn’t like it. I certainly don’t want anything in the house if my husband doesn’t like it, too. It matters to me that he approves of, and enjoys my choices.
Yet, the submissive woman is a thinking woman with a good sense of judgement. Yes, she will err in her judgement just as we all will err in judgement. But, she has a need sometimes to go ahead and make decisions for which she is responsible herself. She has her reasons, even if they may not make sense to her dominant, and she has her own way of doing things and looking at things.
Let me give you an example. He does not like a person. He rejects him. It’s a black and white thing for him. But, she operates differently to him in some respects, and although she doesn’t like aspects of the other gentleman in question, she is prepared to accept him in a limited way on the basis that she doesn’t think it is entirely a black and white situation. She is more prepared to give people the benefit of the doubt, and to believe that there is some good in us all. Her dominant is not happy at all; with her or her decision making. He finds her foolish. He even throws doubts on her motivations.
A submissive woman like me, finding disapproval so deeply uncomfortable, will defer to the dominant’s point of view. She will consider the matter and fairly quickly determine that doing something her way is less important than harmony with her man. Feeling she is right about a matter or achieving a certain outcome is immaterial if that means she is to be in conflict with him. She may, naturally enough, seek consensus with him at times, but if he is adamant in his disapproval, she is unlikely to pursue the matter.
It is rare for me to be so rash as not to discuss an issue which could be at odds with my dominant’s point of view, first. At the outset of a discussion on a matter, a successful outcome is always possible. He may approve my thinking and desired attack on an issue simply because I brought it to him first and explained my point of view. He may disapprove, but modify my desired action plan such that we are both happy. Or, he may decline approval of it, but explain to me calmly and decisively, why my thought processes are flawed. In all these cases, the outcome is much better than if I proceeded and earned his disapproval.
What matters to the submissive woman most is that he is happy; happy with her and happy to be with her. There are moments when I wonder if I should be so transparent as for the dominant to know the power he has over me. Then again, if he does not know that by now, when will he ever?
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Yes, I assume this is what happened.
ReplyDeleteVesta, I found this interesting on many levels. I have written before how I don't get the "punishmnent" dynamic (not critical, it just would not, could not, work for me). One reason for that is that (in the past) his 'disapproval" was by far the most devestating, emotionally exhausting "punishment" he could offer.
ReplyDeleteYet, like you, there are times I make choices or follow paths that will, I know, engender said disapproval, becuase when all is said and done, that particular issue is something about which even knowing he will be against it, is not enough to dissuade me.
Now it is almost always irritantingly regular that HIS take turns out to be the right one; conversely, however, he has in the past praised me for being headstrong becuase it had in fact turned out to be the CORRECT choice.
So, while I do in fact acquiesce probably 90% of the time, that 10% certaintly keeps things interesting!
selkie: I, in turn, found your comment so interesting! As journalled, I certainly was into the 'punishment' dynamic. Nowadays, that is much less the case and I think that is partially because I have come to find 'disapproval' so profoundly more punishing. I really do make many a decision myself, but it is rare for me not to engage with him in such a way that he feels that he has been integrally involved. When a dominant man feels he has been cast aside in the decision making process, problems are going to ensue. That's what happened here, and really, I am old enough to know better than that!
ReplyDelete73: I'm not sure what you mean, but I hope the post helped you crystallize your thoughts.
well, the reality is that I am a take charge kind of gal - that is who I have been since he met me and believe me, that was a VERY long time ago. To create a selkie that did NOT have decided views on some things, who did not lance at windmills and who would NEVER argue a point would make me a selkie he wouldn't recognize LOL
ReplyDeleteand the "punishment" thing just is so counter to who I am that it would be counterproductive. But then I was like that as a kid too - you could have beaten me to wihtin an inch of my life and all it would do is make me MORE stubbron. he got that and knew that other forms of manipulation were FAR more effective.
selkie: You have strong opinions? Darling, I would never have known! Seriously, yes you are opinionated and we love you for it. But, I've a husband who has enough opinions for all the street, let alone this house, so I tend to tread fairly lightly...most of the time...when I'm not being a "tart" (ala Deity's most recent comment) Giggles...
ReplyDeleteInteresting all around. I find I am very moved by my husband's disapproval, but Vesta something you said triggered another thought. Like your husband, mine has enough opinions for 5 men combined, and he is right and it is all black and white. Anyone can see that! However the truth is I just don't SEE the world in black and white. I just don't I see myriad shades of gray...always. He sees that as an issue, maybe even a weakness (?) that leaves me sometimes using what he would consider poor judgement. When all is said and done, in my heart of hearts, I see it as a strength. I DO often go his way to avoid the stress between us, but deep down, I can't help what my eyes do see...grays and grays and more grays! I wish that it did not inspire disapproval, but there are times I have had to just live with knowing that I am who I am, and let that be ok.
ReplyDeleteselkie: "Grey" is perfectly okay but may I suggest that grey goes nicely with black and white. For example, once I drafted a letter to my son's school. I made my points and showed it to my husband. He changed some words to make the letter more 'matter of fact'. No longer were we "requesting" that something be done, but rather "expecting" that the matter be handled to our satisfaction. The letter was better for two eyes looking at it in their own unique way and we got exactly what we wanted.
ReplyDeleteAs well, my husband talks about "intent". When I do something, did I intend any hurt? And, when he does something that doesn't work out, he asks me to consider if he intended any harm. Thinking about it that way has helped me a great deal.
Two girls with strong opinions, both married to men never, ever short of something to say. Life's interesting, huh?
Sara: My apologies. The above comment should, of course, have been addressed to you.
ReplyDelete