The road less travelled

The simple fact is that I am married to a man of independent thought. Like Richard Burton, he goes his own way. At times, his thought processes have led to much success and at times, to failure. Sometimes he is right, and sometimes he is wrong. I am not blessed with his ability to make the deal, or to see the opportunity in tiny seeds of ideas. Instead, I am blessed with foresight as to the intentions of people; be they fair or foul. At times, I have done everything I knew how, to convince my husband of the deviousness of a man. A kind and good man himself, with a particularly good heart and the best of intentions, he has not been able to see what I see, and as a family, we have paid dearly for that, a few times now.

Yet, in spite of these setbacks, my husband has always wanted the best for me and our children; always worked hard to find a way through difficult times. He continues to believe, to strive and to envision a time when all will be very well, and our days will be spent free of worry and in touring the world together.

It was during a time of deep financial distress that I began to search for a different way to live my life with him. Without any power or control over our destiny, I needed to find a way to let it go. My life was in his hands, and whatever the outcome, our destiny would be shared. My marriage would not be an intellectual one, lived in the head. Rather, I would live my life in my heart and the part of me that lived within my psyche; the part that wanted the man to lead me in all aspects of my life. Firmly convinced of my ability to think and to analyse a problem, I would put my thoughts aside and allow him to do all the thinking. After all, he had a desperate desire to make all the decisions and to lead me, and I had a desperate desire to be led.

I’m well aware that many people would call me foolish. Operating as two people with different working minds and positive attributes, we could have achieved much as a team in the business arena. But, the union of this particular man and this particular woman would not allow for that and so we went down the road less travelled; he as the boss, me yielding to his power.

Whilst I would never dare to state that it has been without its difficulties, our arrangement has brought us a great deal of happiness; a settled, harmonious and happy life, on the whole. We are all afflicted with aspects of our personality that others may wish away. I would wish away his temper, if only I could. Should I manage to hit a certain button; the ‘guilt’ button, perhaps, he will flare at me. Whether I flare back, or keep my own counsel, it always throws me into a time of despair; a minute, an hour, or a day of soulless confusion. It is a deeply challenging place for me to be. Always, he eventually comes and frees me from that despair by taking me in his arms and holding me tight; assuring me of our connectedness; that deep, abiding, ‘until death us do part’ love.

I’ve been told very lately that when I am in despair; angry, hurt, lost, agitated; I should not be left to flutter about as a free person, for I am an ‘owned’ girl. I should be put in my “pen” and left to vent there to my heart’s desire. In my pen, I will feel less vulnerable, less lost. Ultimately, my husband will free me from my restraints and make good the hurt; heal me. This is for the best.

I admit to you now that this counselling threw me off kilter to a point where I was ready to chuck the whole thing in; the arrangement, the blog, the very notion of a D/s life for me. As fate would have it, this advice was being given at the same time as my husband’s temper was raging and that overwhelmed me at the time.

But, you see, the advice was quite right. It is the answer. Left to flutter, I am a sad, lost, little girl with nowhere to call home. My home is in my husband’s heart. He is my protector, my lover, my life. I am as ‘owned’ as any girl will ever be. I am his ‘property’.

I truly believe my husband will achieve the success he so craves and I will be joyous for him, and for the opportunities it will allow us to be together and to be abundantly happy. Quite honestly, we deserve it. But, whatever the future holds, I have finally come to accept certain truths. He is a dominant man. I am a submissive woman. He needs to lead. I need to follow. He loves me eternally as I love him eternally. There is nothing but bliss to be found if I can only stay true to my nature, and let the rest be damned. I know that now. I’m where I belong.

“I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."