It took me considerable time to learn how integral obedience is to the power exchange relationship. It's obvious that it is vital to the smooth running of such a relationship, I get that, but knowing that intellectually and knowing that in your bones is two different things.
I had a number of erroneous thoughts about the place of obedience. Mostly, I would disobey because my emotions were upside down and when my emotions are upside down I can act or speak irrationally. On other occasions I'd convince myself that it would be all right, that I'd be forgiven soon anyway, that I wouldn't be punished, that I didn't care if I was punished; that I was in the right; that it surely didn't matter all that much anyway. It did.
I hadn't realized how important it is to the Dominant to be in control all the time and thus on occasion I drove a sword through the arrangement, only to feel an intense sense of guilt and regret very soon thereafter.
Eventually, it dawned on me that obeying was a far easier option than disobeying. Possibly, I am a slow learner on this matter, or maybe the older you are the more difficult it might be to break down the ego and the sense of self will.
Most of all I think it was a matter of not communicating well. Instead of asking for something, or explaining my upset; holding my upset in for as long as I could, I'd eventually 'chuck a wobbly'. Having learned eventually to communicate any feelings of distress, when I asked for something and got the answer 'no', I'd feeling really hardly done by and that's when I might act out.
Little did I know that the training process is a wild and glorious ride, filled with ups and downs, but that eventually the emotions subside and the message is understood down to your core that you can run up and down the main street ranting, but nothing changes the fact that you've signed on to obey, and obey you shall.
There was a time when I crossed a line because I was curious as to what would happen, or excited about what would happen. or was too worked up to care what would happen. There were moments when I masochistically did enjoy the correction, on one level or another, but I don't think I ever did NOT regret a correction. I hated being in trouble. I hated the disconnection. I'd take every one of those situations back if I could, but back then I didn't know any better. I was simply doing the best I could.
I can still be a flighty person. I've yet to reach some nirvana state where I am always angelic, kind, empathic, reasonable, patient, accepting; obedient. But, I get that that is the goal. I get that obedience is the natural state if you want an authority figure in your life. I've given up fighting that fact, finally.
I had a number of erroneous thoughts about the place of obedience. Mostly, I would disobey because my emotions were upside down and when my emotions are upside down I can act or speak irrationally. On other occasions I'd convince myself that it would be all right, that I'd be forgiven soon anyway, that I wouldn't be punished, that I didn't care if I was punished; that I was in the right; that it surely didn't matter all that much anyway. It did.
I hadn't realized how important it is to the Dominant to be in control all the time and thus on occasion I drove a sword through the arrangement, only to feel an intense sense of guilt and regret very soon thereafter.
Eventually, it dawned on me that obeying was a far easier option than disobeying. Possibly, I am a slow learner on this matter, or maybe the older you are the more difficult it might be to break down the ego and the sense of self will.
Most of all I think it was a matter of not communicating well. Instead of asking for something, or explaining my upset; holding my upset in for as long as I could, I'd eventually 'chuck a wobbly'. Having learned eventually to communicate any feelings of distress, when I asked for something and got the answer 'no', I'd feeling really hardly done by and that's when I might act out.
Little did I know that the training process is a wild and glorious ride, filled with ups and downs, but that eventually the emotions subside and the message is understood down to your core that you can run up and down the main street ranting, but nothing changes the fact that you've signed on to obey, and obey you shall.
There was a time when I crossed a line because I was curious as to what would happen, or excited about what would happen. or was too worked up to care what would happen. There were moments when I masochistically did enjoy the correction, on one level or another, but I don't think I ever did NOT regret a correction. I hated being in trouble. I hated the disconnection. I'd take every one of those situations back if I could, but back then I didn't know any better. I was simply doing the best I could.
I can still be a flighty person. I've yet to reach some nirvana state where I am always angelic, kind, empathic, reasonable, patient, accepting; obedient. But, I get that that is the goal. I get that obedience is the natural state if you want an authority figure in your life. I've given up fighting that fact, finally.
Thank you Vesta,
ReplyDeleteThe statement below perfectly explains where one is right now and its a hard place to be. It helps that you put words to it.
There was a time when I crossed a line because I was curious as to what would happen, or excited about what would happen. or was too worked up to care what would happen. There were moments when I masochistically did enjoy the correction, on one level or another
dancingbarez: I'd encourage you to also focus on this line: "I was simply doing the best I could."
ReplyDeleteIn the midst of the forest, all we see are trees, but over time we come to see that there is a way through the forest.
Don't worry. You'll get there in your own good time.